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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
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March 25, 2002
it's been a long time...i shouldn'ta left you...without a dope blog to 'spond to...bless me, blogger, for i have slacked; it's been nearly 3 weeks since my last blog. i've been here...but just busy with work...not to mention writing often lengthy comments in other people's blogs! perhaps it's time to focus on my own for a change *grin*.
i am SO happy that the only two oscar categories i gave a shit about were both won by my picks: denzel and halle. their winning performances in training day and monster's ball (respectively) were both the kind that had me thinking, when i walked out of the theater, that they were worthy of an academy award. plus, denzel was just plain due...he was robbed when he didn't win for his performance in malcolm x and again for the hurricane. i'm just glad it really happened. to think that halle is the first black woman to win an oscar for "best actress"...and that denzel is only the second black man (sharing the honor with the inimitable sidney poitier) to win one for "best actor"...is frightening. i would like to think that the proverbial tides are turning...but i'm too much of a cynic.
my mom left a message last nite while i was in the shower, so i'll have to call her tonite. she is so intent on the two of us taking this little "vacation" together this spring or summer...to a b&b, or some other little touristy spot where we can meet (probably in illinois, as i don't think i want her driving any further than that to meet me). i've told her that, even though we've talked about the whole "revelation" and what it's meant to me, everything's not just automatically "fixed," and that healing our relationship will be a process. i think she understands that...but her idea of healing involves some quality time, just the two of us...and tho i know that her intentions are good, the thought of spending 3 days alone with her kind-of frightens me at this point.
i just keep thinking about the last time i was home...and how, at the end of just 2 days, i was SO ready to come back to my home and my cats and ESPECIALLY my boobala (and that was BEFORE "the revelation"!!). our life together is so sane and fun and almost totally drama-free...and let's just say that i can't say the same for my visits with my mother. i love her and everything...and am thankful that i have her, and that we even have a relationship at all (because not everyone is so lucky)...but the woman drives me inSANE sometimes. i suppose that's normal for mother-daughter relationships, but damn...how many times do i have to hear (in that "hurt child" voice of hers that must be heard to be believed, coming from a 70-year-old woman) that she really wishes i'd go to CHURCH (tho she knows i denounced christianity years ago, and i've explained WHY countless times)...and that she's uncomfortable with "the physical part" of my relationship with s (like that's ANY of HER business...?!?!)?
*sigh*
it just exhausts me everytime i start thinking about a visit with her. but...maybe that's my problem. maybe i just need to stop thinking about it until it's about to happen. just let her make her plans, and i'll just go along with them when the time comes.
all of this makes me feel, in some respect, like a total ingrate. i mean, here's my mother, wanting to take me someplace, her treat (a big deal, considering she's pretty much a tightwad, not to mention a retiree on a fixed income)...and all i can think about is how much i don't want to go. i can't decide if would be better for me to actually tell her that i don't want to go (at least not anytime soon)...or to just go along with the whole plan, grin and bear it, and count the minutes until i'm back at home. i hope i can at least put it off until i feel better about it....
3:58 PM
March 05, 2002
s and i left work early yesterday, had a late lunch at our fave mexican restaurant...shopped a bit (i scored the march issue of girlfriends magazine with me'shell on the cover and the the vibe history of hip hop, both from barnes and noble, and a couple of irresistible trinkets from world market)...and saw monster's ball. i had heard from a few different people that it was good...but i LOVE this film. halle berry has never been at the top of my list of favorite actors, but she is absolutely exquisite as leticia and fully deserves the "best actress" oscar for which she's nominated (even if she did renege on her decision to stay fully clothed after swordfish). billy bob thornton, as hank, is solid (no surprise). even p. diddy...oops, i mean SEAN COMBS...whom i come close to abhorring on a musical level, holds his own as lawrence. i was impressed.
i think that monster's ball will be, to me, what american beauty was a couple of years ago...the kind of movie i can watch again and again, tho it's a somewhat painful experience in that it evokes such a huge rush of emotion...causing my jaws and throat ache in the way that they do when i'm struggling hard to keep from just all-out sobbing.
just writing that makes me wonder why anyone would consider that a POSITIVE experience! i don't know...i guess my favorite films have always been those that reach me on an emotional level, that make me feel the pain the characters are feeling. there's a scene in monster's ball where leticia brutally chastises tyrell, her (overweight) son, for eating chocolate, which he has hidden in different spots throughout the house. meanwhile, she is chain-smoking and throwing back tiny bottles of jack daniels. they're both dealing with the pain of losing lawrence...for leticia, it's about losing her husband; for tyrell, losing his father...and that scene really got to me. i started thinking about the different ways in which people self-medicate to cope with their pain...whether it's with food, or cigarettes, or alcohol, or drugs, it's really all the same thing. i'm familiar....
i have to say, the film's ending surprised me. as totally "uncool" as this is to admit, i found myself wanting closure...a little resolution...instead of being left wondering how the story really ends. interestingly, i felt the same way about american beauty. but i guess, in hollywood, it's cool to leave us hanging, wanting more.
anyway...it is still a wonderful movie. GO see it.
3:44 PM
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