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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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November 16, 2001
no end to the mama drama... last night, i was thinking...maybe it's finallytime to talk to my mom. all the anger that's built up since the big revelation last week is starting to subside a little...and even tho i haven't yet gotten to talk with my therapist (the woman is good; her schedule is always full), i feel like maybe i could control myself...and not say things i'll regret later.
but this morning, i woke up...feeling much more sad and hurt than mad. i recognize that this is normal in the whole process of "processing," but for some reason, it surprised me.
i'm sad because my mother didn't just cheat on my father all those years ago...she cheated on me, too. and whatever love and care and concern she felt for me wasn't strong enough to keep her from doing it. that hurts.
i'm sad because i grew up thinking that she loved my sister more...and even if that's not true, mom hasacknowledged that she felt the need to "protect" my sister more than she felt the need to "protect" me. the irony is, of course, that were a lot of reasons that i may very well have needed her MORE than my sister did: i was a little girl growing up gay (hey...i was madly in love with my 2nd grade teacher)...and tho i didn't recognize what it was that made me so different from every other kid i knew, i perceived that difference, and was really lonely. i was also taller and just plain "bigger" than most kids my age, and was teased mercilessly for years because of it. and i always seemed to be smarter than most everyone else in my class...the kid that everyone wanted to "copy off of" (and did, of course...because i was afraid to say "no," out of fear of rejection). i was also much more emotionally sensitive than my sister, or than most other kids. when i was visiting my parents last summer, my dad brought up again how i would cry at the proverbial "drop of the hat," while my sister seemed much more thick-skinned. i think our roles eventually reversed in that respect, but i have always been very sensitive and easily hurt, and remain so (to a certain degree) today.
i'm also a little hurt because my sister learned the truth about her biological parentage 4 years ago, and didn't tell meuntil last week. i acknowledge that she's had to deal with my mother's admonition not to tell anyone, and that she needed time to process everything herself. but the fact remains that it was her therapist--someone i've never even met--who urged her to tell me. how long would she have waited if her therapist HADN'T encouraged her to be honest with me?? and why has she felt, for the past 4 years, that she couldn't trust me enough to tell me? why did she feel that i am the type of person who would feel differently about her in light of this revelation?? the type of person who would suddenly reject my own sister??
so anyway...at least i've progressed through the initial anger phase (tho i am stillvery angry). nonetheless, i feel like i've lost ground...and like i still can't talk to my mother.
3:05 PM
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