January 16, 2002
wanting the "fairy tale"i have so much to do and have absolutely NO business blogging instead of preparing for my one-on-one meeting with a university vice president tomorrow, or finishing up my cover letter for that job for which i'm applying...but i really don't feel like doing any of that right now. i've got so much on my mind. including....
i was watching the season's first episode of queer as folk last nite, and it got me thinking about the whole gay marriage thing. in fact, i was thinking about it so intently (actually, i was writing an essay about it in my head...*grin*) in the shower this morning that i forgot to condition my hair! (and it wouldn't be the first time i've done that...*lol*). i must have dozed during the final episode of last season, when lindsay asked melanie to marry her, and melanie said "no" (because it's not legal...as a lawyer, maybe that's what she was focusing on).
s and i have had this very conversation. she takes the melissa etheridge stance (or at least her stance when she was still with that faux-homo, hetero-heifer, julie cypher) on the topic...which is basically that "marriage" or any kind of a commitment-type ceremony between two people of the same sex is pretty much pointless, as long as it doesn't carry with it the legality and privileges that heterosexual marriage does. and i've agreed...intellectually, anyway.
the problem is...i want the fairy tale! like most other little girls, i was raised to want it, and i learned that lesson well. i'm not talking about an outrageously expensive white dress (or 2), or a bridal party of 24, or ugly mauve bridesmaid's dresses they'll never wear again. and i'm certainly not talking tuxedos, for EITHER of us (actually, my fantasy is that i'd be wearing a sleek armani suit in taupe silk, ala jodie foster...but that's beside the point. *grin*). but part of me very much wants a ceremony...some kind of public display of our commitment to each other, witnessed by people we love (that is, those of whom who would show up)...and celebrated in a big, big way! i've always fantasized about a really short (but lovely) ceremony followed by a huge party.
but...unless we move to vermont (which is highly unlikely, given that there are, like, 7 black people there, and 4 are looking to move out-of-state), such a ceremony would be for appearances only...no legality whatsoever...which really, really sucks (but that's a whole 'nother post...).
we've been together almost 4 years. we've talked about the possibility of having a child (or even children) together. and most importantly, we love and are committed to each other. so what's my deal? why do i want, maybe even need, this external validation of our relationship? one part of me desires this validation, this formal recognition, from my parents and other family members...i mean, it would be nice to plan a trip to see my parents and know that they won't forbid us to sleep in the same room. but realistically, who's to say a ceremony would accomplish that, if they're not inclined to grant us this validation already??
part of the problem, i suppose, is this: behind the intellect, behind the "out-and-proud", behind the silliness, behind the surefooted, logical capricorn, behind everything else that i am...is a little girl seeking approval...from parents and family, and from society. it also doesn't help that, as much as i hate it, i'm a romantic. i watch a wedding story on the learning channel and get all sappy and teary-eyed. i like happy endings. and the concept of a ceremony to celebrate the love that i've found, the truly magical way that i found her, and everything that we want for our future, is very attractive.
i really don't know how this will work out. if i decide that i truly want a ceremony, despite its meaninglessness in the eyes of the law (and probably my family), i know that s would indulge me. i guess i still need to determine if i want to indulge me.
4:37 PM
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