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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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April 19, 2002
I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind.
--alanis morissette, so unsexy, from under rug swept
i was listening...really listening...to this song yesterday, and i realized that this is totally me. sure, i play what i call "the confidence game" sometimes...pretending that i'm strong, self-assured, and fearless...but the truth is, i'm usually not. i don't feel like delving into the long litany of reasons why i'm usually not, at least not today--it's friday, my boss is out of the office, and i'm actually feelin' pretty good. but alanis certainly has my number, yes she does....
(oh and, by the way...in case you need another reason to buy this album, meshell plays bass on this song, as well as on "you owe me nothing in return".)
12:20 PM
April 08, 2002
nice things
our new bedroom furniture (or "funny-too," as s's mom says *grin*) was delivered on saturday...isn't it beautiful? now, this isn't our actual room...we have gray carpet instead of lovely hardwood floors (which our NEXT apartment will have, hopefully)...not NEARLY as much space (2 dressers, 2 nightstands, and a king-sized bed take up almost the entire room)...and we don't have those groovy columns behind the headboard...but you get the idea. above the bed hangs this print by artist jaime olaya...it's double-framed in light cherry and brushed steel (to match the furniture)...and our linens are in 7 colors (one each for the fitted sheet, the flat sheet, the comforter cover, 2 king pillows, and 2 standard pillows). i am pleased...so pleased, in fact, that i actually took time to make the bed this morning, just so that i could see it looking its best before we left for work. *lol*
if i seem unusually excited (or even a little obsessive) about some damn furniture, well...you gotta understand. i have lived sans dressers (or chests of drawers, or bureaus, or whatever your colloquialism is) for my entire adult life...and clothing storage has ALWAYS been a challenge, especially with my shopping habits. the only real bed i've ever owned was antique with an iron box spring (yes, it was THAT old!) and...while the head- and footboards themselves were beautiful, the parts holding the whole thing together were old and worn out, and the box spring was likely to crash to the floor at any given moment! (this was so not cool when i lived in an efficiency apartment, where my bed was not just a bed, but a table and a sofa, too *s*). and s hasn't had her own bedroom "funny-too" since she lived with her parents, either...so imagine our delight, now that we have not one, but THREE dressers (one of which has been relegated to the spare bedroom, for lack of space) and a beautiful platform bed with a real headboard.
some may also think i'm being a bit (or more) materialistic with this whole focus on furniture...and maybe i am. but i can't help it...i like nice things. i like being able to buy things that please me in some way...books, cds, shoes, clothes, furniture, or whatever...even if it's purely aesthetic. i also love buying the perfect gift for someone. and i love having the means to do that. is that wrong? why do i sometimes feel guilty for having what i have?
we live quite modestly. we don't own our home...we live in an "up and coming" neighborhood with a lot of abandoned houses that haven't been bought and fixed up yet--not quite "the 'hood," but not the nicest urban area, either...we don't drive fancy cars (in fact, we share a '97 toyota corolla, which i just bought, after leasing it for 5 years)...we don't take vacations, other than 2- or 3-day mini-trips to watch basketball or see a meshell show...in fact, the trip to the bahamas that we're planning will be my first REAL vacation ever, the first where i won't be visiting family or simply tagging along on someone else's vacation, and the first to what i'd consider an "exotic" destination. we don't do a lot of things that many of my friends, colleagues, and others my age do...mostly because we usually don't have cash for the "big ticket" items, unless it's tax return time (as was the case with the new bedroom set). all of that is really okay with me, most of the time...tho i would like to own our home someday (if only so that we can paint the walls lovely colors!)...and there is that place in st. maarten that is our absolute DREAM vacation spot....
but sometimes, i feel pressured to buy a house (even tho we couldn't afford it right now, without giving up some of the other things we enjoy...especially since neither of us is interested in doing the work to fix up a place that needs a lot of work)...or made to feel like a loser because we haven't traveled europe extensively, taken cruises or other extravagant vacations, or bought restaurant-quality stainless-steel kitchen appliances. to an extent, this phenomenon is a result of having friends who are a bit older (and/or less in debt and/or gay/white/male) and better able to afford such luxuries. too often, i catch myself feeling actually jealous of what they have the means to buy and do, while we really don't....
other times, i know i'm being completely ridiculous. i mean, i'm very well aware of how lucky i am in many respects, even materially. i spent enough years with NO car (i was over 30 when i bought my first), NO furniture (unless you count plastic milk crates and cinder blocks with boards balanced across them), NO means to buy new clothes or satisfy my shoe fetish on the regular...to have keen appreciation of being able to have and do those things now. i was also raised in a family where we had pretty much everything we needed, but definitely not most things we wanted...where i was earning my own spending money from the age of 9 or 10...and where i learned to appreciate things when i had to actually work for them, instead of having them handed to me (as i see happening with nieces, nephews and other kids/teenagers i know).
i need to work on being content with what i do have, and ceasing to covet what i don't. i'm lucky. i know that.
i also need to stop feeling guilty for what i have. in many ways, i've earned it...i don't take a whole lot for granted...and i try to help others when i can...even if it's just a coupla dollars to a homeless woman, $10/month to the campus campaign, or a cool leather jacket for my best friend, just because she's broke and it's her birthday and i can afford it. *s*
10:54 AM
April 05, 2002
okay, so i slept...here i was, just a few days ago, telling folks not to sleep on cookie: the anthropological mixtape...and it turns out that i was doing some serious sleepin' my damn self! not on my grrl meshell, mind you...but on res. have ya heard??
i had an amazon.com credit burning a hole in my pocket for a few months, as a result of some returns around x-mastime...so i finally broke down and placed an order last week. i've been hearing about res for months...she kept turning up on lists of people's favorite artists, over on the meshell message board...but when anitra mentioned her "beloved res" in a recent post...and then i saw the video for "they-say vision" (or was it "golden boys"?) that same night...i knew it was time to wake up. the package came today.
like the review implies, how i do and res's sound are completely fresh and different from anything i've heard in a long time. i'm listening to it right now, trying to think of possible comparisons, and coming up with none. this one's staying in rotation for awhile. LOVIN' it.
i also got tweet's southern hummingbird, which is NOTHING like i expected, judging from the ubiquitous "oops (oh my)"...but still really nice. kinda slow and mellow. and, tho i haven't listened to it yet, i got alanis morrisette's under rug swept. i've always liked her. she's original. and kinda gutsy. and i don't know of too many artists who have so utterly remade themselves and their careers like she has. i mean, just imagine her as a canadian pop princess flinging her long curly tresses on STAR SEARCH with none other than ed mcmahon! *lol*
anyway...i also ordered a coupla goodies for my sweetheart, as our (4th!) anniversary is coming up later this month. the specifics of that part of my purchase shall remain under wraps. *grin*
oops...i almost forgot. for all you fellow meshell heads out there, peep the lengthy list of new tour dates at matthew's freemyheart.com. plans for cleveland (and possibly detroit) are underway! *doin' the cabbage patch*
3:54 PM
April 02, 2002
don't sleep, people...if you don't head on over to matthew's better-than-fabulous web site today and download a live version of meshell ndegeocello's "priorities 1-6"...from last halloween at the village underground in new york...well, i just won't have any sympathy for you. the studio version of the song will appear on her upcoming cookie: the anthropological mixtape...to be released (we hope against all hope) on june 4. freemyheart.com also features a newly-posted article from the may '02 issue of VIBE (not even on newstands yet) about meshell and cookie. i'm telling you...do not even FEIGN sleep on this album!
not that you could fail to realize my obsession upon logging onto my site...but i have been following meshell since a friend played the cassette of her first album, plantation lullabies, when she (the friend, not meshell!) was giving my then-carless self a ride home, back in '94. the album was already about a year old by that time, so i can't even say that i was hip from jump...but i CAN tell you that i was completely, totally, 100% blown AWAY by what i heard. hence the development of my obsession. i just can't help it! she's hugely talented, as a songwriter (music and lyrics), singer, and maestro (maestra??) of multiple instruments, most notably the bass guitar. she's absolutely uncategorizable (which is why you probably won't hear her music played on your local radio station, and why you may not already know about her...you know how we like to label, even pigeonhole people to make them fit the boundaries of our understanding)...and while she's been compared to everyone from prince to nina simone, there is simply no one who matches her sound.
even more...i love her politics...the way she thinks...and the way she expresses herself. she just makes so much damn sense. her words inspire black people to love blackness and to love themselves, even in the midst of an institutionally racist society that wants them to do otherwise. her words embody the power to change the world, because people who love themselves don't have to dull their anger and disappointment and pain with drugs to the extent that they can no longer function in society. people who love themselves don't feel the need to carry or use a gun to prove their worth or power. people who love themselves don't feel the need to denigrate or abuse women or their children or their partners or anyone else. people who love themselves aren't compelled to judge or belittle others in order to "rise above." these are obviously not the problems of black people alone, but they are problems that many black people face. i think she only wants to change all that...and i think that if more people truly listened to her words and took them to heart, maybe we would see a change.
i think that people sometimes forget that the obliteration of racism would mean a better world for EVERYONE, for humanity. obviously, since people of color are the ones who experience racism first-hand and most intensely, they would benefit most if we all woke up one day and suddenly racism didn't exist (wow, imagine that...the effects would be mind-boggling). but at least to some extent, we are all hurt by racism...and there are white people who are sickened by it and fight against it for that and other reasons. i really don't expect to see an end to racism in my lifetime...it's far too entrenched and institutionalized...but every person who speaks out about its horrific effects (thru music or in whatever fashion) brings us a tiny step closer. meshell's music is sooooo important, if only for that one reason.
okay, i'll stop gushing. just do yourself a favor on june 4 and buy cookie. if you don't like it, i'll buy it from you.
1:14 PM
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