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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
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April 08, 2002
nice things
our new bedroom furniture (or "funny-too," as s's mom says *grin*) was delivered on saturday...isn't it beautiful? now, this isn't our actual room...we have gray carpet instead of lovely hardwood floors (which our NEXT apartment will have, hopefully)...not NEARLY as much space (2 dressers, 2 nightstands, and a king-sized bed take up almost the entire room)...and we don't have those groovy columns behind the headboard...but you get the idea. above the bed hangs this print by artist jaime olaya...it's double-framed in light cherry and brushed steel (to match the furniture)...and our linens are in 7 colors (one each for the fitted sheet, the flat sheet, the comforter cover, 2 king pillows, and 2 standard pillows). i am pleased...so pleased, in fact, that i actually took time to make the bed this morning, just so that i could see it looking its best before we left for work. *lol*
if i seem unusually excited (or even a little obsessive) about some damn furniture, well...you gotta understand. i have lived sans dressers (or chests of drawers, or bureaus, or whatever your colloquialism is) for my entire adult life...and clothing storage has ALWAYS been a challenge, especially with my shopping habits. the only real bed i've ever owned was antique with an iron box spring (yes, it was THAT old!) and...while the head- and footboards themselves were beautiful, the parts holding the whole thing together were old and worn out, and the box spring was likely to crash to the floor at any given moment! (this was so not cool when i lived in an efficiency apartment, where my bed was not just a bed, but a table and a sofa, too *s*). and s hasn't had her own bedroom "funny-too" since she lived with her parents, either...so imagine our delight, now that we have not one, but THREE dressers (one of which has been relegated to the spare bedroom, for lack of space) and a beautiful platform bed with a real headboard.
some may also think i'm being a bit (or more) materialistic with this whole focus on furniture...and maybe i am. but i can't help it...i like nice things. i like being able to buy things that please me in some way...books, cds, shoes, clothes, furniture, or whatever...even if it's purely aesthetic. i also love buying the perfect gift for someone. and i love having the means to do that. is that wrong? why do i sometimes feel guilty for having what i have?
we live quite modestly. we don't own our home...we live in an "up and coming" neighborhood with a lot of abandoned houses that haven't been bought and fixed up yet--not quite "the 'hood," but not the nicest urban area, either...we don't drive fancy cars (in fact, we share a '97 toyota corolla, which i just bought, after leasing it for 5 years)...we don't take vacations, other than 2- or 3-day mini-trips to watch basketball or see a meshell show...in fact, the trip to the bahamas that we're planning will be my first REAL vacation ever, the first where i won't be visiting family or simply tagging along on someone else's vacation, and the first to what i'd consider an "exotic" destination. we don't do a lot of things that many of my friends, colleagues, and others my age do...mostly because we usually don't have cash for the "big ticket" items, unless it's tax return time (as was the case with the new bedroom set). all of that is really okay with me, most of the time...tho i would like to own our home someday (if only so that we can paint the walls lovely colors!)...and there is that place in st. maarten that is our absolute DREAM vacation spot....
but sometimes, i feel pressured to buy a house (even tho we couldn't afford it right now, without giving up some of the other things we enjoy...especially since neither of us is interested in doing the work to fix up a place that needs a lot of work)...or made to feel like a loser because we haven't traveled europe extensively, taken cruises or other extravagant vacations, or bought restaurant-quality stainless-steel kitchen appliances. to an extent, this phenomenon is a result of having friends who are a bit older (and/or less in debt and/or gay/white/male) and better able to afford such luxuries. too often, i catch myself feeling actually jealous of what they have the means to buy and do, while we really don't....
other times, i know i'm being completely ridiculous. i mean, i'm very well aware of how lucky i am in many respects, even materially. i spent enough years with NO car (i was over 30 when i bought my first), NO furniture (unless you count plastic milk crates and cinder blocks with boards balanced across them), NO means to buy new clothes or satisfy my shoe fetish on the regular...to have keen appreciation of being able to have and do those things now. i was also raised in a family where we had pretty much everything we needed, but definitely not most things we wanted...where i was earning my own spending money from the age of 9 or 10...and where i learned to appreciate things when i had to actually work for them, instead of having them handed to me (as i see happening with nieces, nephews and other kids/teenagers i know).
i need to work on being content with what i do have, and ceasing to covet what i don't. i'm lucky. i know that.
i also need to stop feeling guilty for what i have. in many ways, i've earned it...i don't take a whole lot for granted...and i try to help others when i can...even if it's just a coupla dollars to a homeless woman, $10/month to the campus campaign, or a cool leather jacket for my best friend, just because she's broke and it's her birthday and i can afford it. *s*
10:54 AM
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