an esoteric soul

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"No one's striving to be Miles Davis. Everybody's striving to get paid. And, you know, I wanna be like Miles Davis."
~Meshell Ndegeocello

order dance of the infidel

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reading...
life on the color line: the true story of a white boy who discovered he was black by gregory howard williams

recently finished...
anagrams by lorrie moore

the dew breaker by edwidge danticat
(thanks, deshi!)

the mysteries of pittsburgh by michael chabon

she's not there: a life in two genders by jennifer finney boylan

venture...
all about george
anziblog
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the brotherlove
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the desh in me
ej flavors
kevin.daily
lynne d johnson
naya hri
NegroPlease
nubian soul
on a path
pheline
sister outsider
prime time
small hands
studpoet.com
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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...

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an esoteric soul

May 28, 2002

it's not even about her...

okay, so i promised a follow-up on the thing with my sister , following my letter to her of a few weeks ago. i had written to explain that my careless suggestion (that perhaps it might be better if i were to decline her invitation to be her maid of honor) was really about my own fears and insecurities surfacing, and that it really didn't have anything to do with her...much less anything to do with all this bitterness and resentment she insists that i have toward her (even tho i've assured her repeatedly that this is not the case). well...*sigh*...HERE is her response:

I got your letter and wanted to be sure to get back to you. I agree that trust is an issue between us. When you mentioned declining to be the maid of honor in my wedding because you felt that I would take my offer away first, it became clear to me that you don't completely trust me either.

essentially, what she's done is to twist my words (yet again) to make it ALL ABOUT HER...which seems to be a recurring theme—and one that's driving me absolutely fucking insane. she can't de-self-absorb (is there a real word for that??) long enough for it to sink in that perhaps MY actions are sometimes governed by MY own issues...and not necessarily anything to do with her. it amazes me!!

and then, she adds the following bit of over-exclamation-pointed (i.e., overly emphasized) crap:

Trust takes time to build or rebuild between two people, but I know that it is something that I would like very much to work on with you and the outcome would be well worth it!

J and I look very forward to seeing you and S at the wedding in August. It will be fun! :)

ugggghhhh...this is so incredibly fake. even if her sentiment is real, these particular words at this particular time made (and make) me want to throw up.

as far as the trust issue is concerned, the thing is...while i had no reason not to trust her before all of this happened...now, i do. shit...i can't even trust her to take my words at face value, without twisting them all around to fit her own (warped) perceptions! similarly, while i never felt the bitterness and resentment that she is so desperate to believe that i feel toward her...her behavior now is starting to make me feel resentful and bitter! but if i were to admit that (as my therapist pointed out last week), she could then come back and say, "see! i told you so! i knew you resented me!" *rolling eyes hard*.

i have written her two lengthy responses, neither of which i've sent. as s says, what's the point? if she (my sister) manages to twist pretty much every word i say so that it's either a) completely inaccurate; b) all about her; or c) both...i may very well be better off saving my energy, biding my time until the wedding, and making every effort to have a good time there.

as for our relationship from there on out? let's just say i have my doubts.... 12:31 PM

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