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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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August 15, 2002
friends & loversj was talking yesterday about friendship with lovers and with exes, and my comments got so lengthy that i decided they needed to become a blog of my own.
friendship has always been a huge part of my relationships. in fact, that's how most of my relationships started; we were friends first, and it eventually grew into something more. i can't imagine not being friends with my lover. if we weren't friends, what would we talk about? would we enjoy doing things (other than sex) together? would we feel connected in ways that don't depend on sex? would we trust each other? would we be there to offer each other support and encouragement during times of personal and professional challenge? those are the kinds of things i do and share with my friends. not sharing them with my lover/partner would seem...well, weird.
even so, i never used to remain friends with my exes (despite the stereotype that lesbians always do). i think, for me, it was mostly a matter of having been so terribly hurt, that i didn't want to face them...to be reminded of that pain, long after it should have been only a memory.
a full year after one particularly painful breakup, i ran into my ex while in d.c. for the 1993 march on washington. just my luck, out of more than a million "extra" people there that weekend, the one person whom i did not want to see (she had moved to another state, so until then, i hadn't had to) happened to be on the same train as my friends and me. she was all, "hey! how are you?!" and big smiles, big hug...and i freaked. i started crying and could barely speak. finally, she had the decency to just walk away. mostly, i recall my friend, steven, running over to a vendor and, in an effort to cheer me up, buying me a "yabba dabba dykes!" t-shirt with betty and wilma (from the flinstones) all hugged up and kissing on each other. i was fine...but shaken. all that pain had come rushing back as soon as i saw her face.
my last breakup (almost 5 years ago) was very different, tho, and a little strange...the person who was there for me, consoling me thru it, was sherri...the person who had just left me after 4 years!! i love(d) her, and i knew that leaving me was what she needed to do, for herself, for her own emotional health. so while it was actually more painful than past breakups, in many ways—i think because we'd been together for a long time, and she was the first lover i'd ever shared a home with—at least i felt like i was doing the right thing by "letting her go" (not that i could have stopped her...but i think you know what i mean). the day she moved out (which, incidentally, was the day of princess diana's funeral), i gave her a copy of paul monette's sanctuary: a tale of life in the woods, an exquisite little book about a fox and rabbit (both female) who fall in love. even then, i knew then i would always love her, no matter what happened.
today, sherri is (next to s) my nearest and dearest friend. we're family. actually, considering the extreme dysfunction of our biological families—we're better than family. amazingly, she and s have grown closer to each other, too (despite some rather rocky moments when s and i first got together)...and now we're ALL family. they are the 2 people in this world whom i love and trust most, and without whom i can't even imagine my life (and it's too, too scary to even try to go there...). it's certainly not how i would have ever expected it to turn out...but it's a beautiful thing.
3:44 PM
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