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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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October 23, 2002
back in the dayWhen I met you,
I had no idea how much my life
was about to be changed...
but then, how could I have known?
A love like ours happens
once in a lifetime.
You were a miracle to me,
the one who was everything
I had ever dreamed of,
the one I thought existed
only in my imagination.
And when you came
into my life, I realized that
what I had always thought
was happiness
couldn't compare to the joy
loving you brought me.
You are a part of everything
I think and do and feel,
and with you by my side,
I believe that anything
is possible.
Thank you
for the miracle of you...
you are,
and always will be,
the love
of my life. i've never been a fan of commercial greeting card sentiments...i usually just buy cool blank cards and write my own message...but i'm not sure that i could have expressed this any better than linda lee elrod did for hallmark.
5 years ago this month, s and i met. at first, she seemed like just another person frequenting a particular chat room i'd recently stumbled into, as the result of a web search for "black lesbians." why was i searching for chat rooms for black lesbians, you may ask? well, i was fresh out of a 4-year relationship with a black woman, and i was lonely. i knew that our break-up was the best thing for both of us (particularly her...there were things she needed to do for herself that she couldn't accomplish by staying with me)...but even so, it was the most difficult experience i'd ever gone through. letting go of someone you love is hard, y'all. if you've done it, you know this.
i was trying very hard to keep myself busy...to escape not just the loneliness, but the fear i had of being alone forever. i took a graduate women's studies course (for the first time since finishing my m.a. in '89...incidentally, it was a course on feminism and black political thought). i rescued a sick kitten and spent more than a year trying to nurse it back to health. i started seeing my therapist regularly, and actually doing the "homework" she assigned. but yeah, i was lonely. and...i've never been good at explaining this, but...i felt lonely in a particular way...lonely for the company of a black woman. i know, it sounds kinda crazy (or maybe not...). but that's how i felt. and a quick mental inventory of the friends i spent a lot of time with revealed that most of them were white gay men...besides my ex and another woman i'd dated briefly a few years back, the black women i knew were pretty much either acquaintances, or friends from college living hundreds of miles away, or people i'd lost touch with. hence the web search. and hence my discovery of the (now defunct) "aal" (african american lesbian) room on (the now defunct) wbs. i wasn't looking for love, cybersex, or even flirtation...which seem to be the things that people tend to think you're looking for when you reveal that you're frequenting chat rooms. i just wanted people...namely black lesbian people...to talk to. was that so bad?
i met some really amazing people in that room, a few of whom i still consider friends today. (i also met some losers, some users, a whole lotta playas, and many other, uhhhh, "undesirables"...but that was to be expected, and still is in pretty much any chat environment.) significantly, we actually had interesting and often in-depth conversations in that room, about politics and music and racism and homophobia, and a host of other topics. people posted their poetry and others responded thoughtfully. newly "out" lesbians sometimes posted their experiences and questions and dilemmas, and women who had been "in the life" for awhile tried to shed some light. i've never seen anything like it, in any chat room i've visted since. i miss that. (this blog community is the closest thing i've found to it.)
but the most amazing thing was that i started to look forward to seeing a particular person in that room...she was "snoodles101" *chucklin'*. i found myself feeling really disappointed when she wasn't there...and all exhilarated and things when she was. *laughing* we started e-mailing each other, in addition to our almost daily chats...and by february, i was crushing, hard. after much deliberation, i asked for her phone number. we started talking. and talking. and talking. phone bills spiraled out of control (and were still being paid back by the time she had moved here). i mean, we used to watch abl games together over the phone!
i guess everything just progressed from there. it wasn't long after that i knew what i felt was serious. i was falling in love...and i was scared outta my mind. i had no idea how this could possibly work...she was 1,600 miles away, in a part of the country i'd never even seen. it seemed impossible. even if she was diggin' me too (which she was, but—the great big ball of insecurity that is me—i sometimes doubted it), how could we ever be together??
somehow, it happened. we happened. after we finally met in person, i knew this was it...i knew that she was the woman i wanted to spend my life with. pretty much everyone i knew in the "real" world thought i'd lost my freakin' mind. ummmm, let's just say that they don't think that anymore. :)
and that hallmark card? the one with those words that (to my surprise) expressed my sentiments so perfectly? i was the recipient...a few weeks ago...out of the blue...for no special reason. *grin*
11:49 AM
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