an esoteric soul

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"No one's striving to be Miles Davis. Everybody's striving to get paid. And, you know, I wanna be like Miles Davis."
~Meshell Ndegeocello

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life on the color line: the true story of a white boy who discovered he was black by gregory howard williams

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the mysteries of pittsburgh by michael chabon

she's not there: a life in two genders by jennifer finney boylan

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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...

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an esoteric soul

October 01, 2002

independent woman

a recent post by prime —and a response from j —have got me thinking about independence and self-reliance. prime asks:

"Is it realistic to think that we are capable of living our lives without relying on those around us for some level of support?"

my parents never really stressed independence and self-reliance overtly, but i learned these things just by observing them...especially my mother—who did the single-mom-with-2-kids thing twice (after husband #1, with my older sibs; and after husband #2, with my sister and me). i think independence and self-reliance are hugely important. i feel strongly about being able to handle my own business, and not having to depend on anyone for most of what i need to accomplish. i admire these traits in other people and sometimes am annoyed when others don't possess (or practice) them. maybe it's another thing entirely, but i keep thinking of the time my mother—who, at 70, has retained her self-sufficiency for the most part, but has lost at least some ability to make a damned decision—tried to get me to decide for her WHICH living room furniture she should purchase, when a) we live 600+ miles and 3 states apart; b) our tastes in decor are almost opposite, they're so different; and c) she didn't even offer visual aids! how the hell was i supposed to know what she should do? why did she seem so absolutely incapable of determining this herself?

like j , i don't want to be a burden to other people, and i suppose that i feel at least some sense of pride that i can handle things on my own, without asking for help. but does that make me arrogant? i'm not sure.

on the flip side, i don't necessarily want to handle absolutely everything on my own...emotionally or otherwise. i spent many years being single—high school (when everyone else was at least dating) through age 28, with only a few exceptions, all but one of them short-term—not really having anyone on whom i could rely for the level of emotional support that comes with being partnered (or at least, i think, should come with being partnered). now that i'm in a loving and stable and long-term relationship, i don't ever wanna go back! what i once wanted—but was capable of handling on my own—has become what i actually need. and while that's a little bit scary to admit, it's really okay. i like knowing that someone has my back...that she'll do anything in her power to help me if i need it. sometimes she actually has to remind me that she's there for me...even after 4 1/2 years together, i'm still used to doing a lot of things for myself.

i've seen independent people really struggle when something happens (e.g., an illness) that actually requires them to learn to ask others for help. for example, when my dad lost his driver's license due to macular degeneration , he had a very hard time beginning to ask his friends to drive him places that he couldn't walk to (in a small town with no public transportation). and my colleague, vince, is going through something similar (albeit temporary) as he recovers from major back surgery. these situations are obviously different—there are times when we all need to rely upon other people. in fact, i've gotten impatient with people who struggle to ask for help when they truly need it...but i should probably start knocking on wood, because that will be me at some point...whether sooner or later, permanently or temporarily.

i guess it's all really a matter of (as with a whole lotta things in life) BALANCE. handle your business, but don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it...or even sometimes when you don't. 5:11 PM

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