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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
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May 30, 2002
an incredible showit took place over a week ago, but i did want to blog a little somethin' about the may 21st meshell show in cleveland. this show marked the 8th (or 9th? my synapses are misfiring...) time i've seen her and the band live and...as usual, it was fucking amazing.
we hit the road a little later than we'd planned, but the ride up with my cat sherri and her grrl, 'nique, was enjoyable. *grin* and we still had time for dinner at tommy's, a little spot in cleveland heights that s and i hit just about every time we visit the land-o-cleve. i love that it features a ton of vegetarian and vegan entrees—our typical dining-out experiences don't provide the luxury of so many options—but enough carnivorous concoctions that you don't feel guilty for taking your meat-eating compadres there!
after dinner, we headed over to the agora. the doors were to open at 7 and we got there close to 6:30 (we were hoping to score a table)...and to my surprise, there were only 2 other guys waiting to get in! the time passed quickly and we ended up with what i would say were the best seats in the house...on the level even with the stage and just a little bit to the right. i've stood through so many of her shows in the past, just so i could be as close as possible to the stage...but i think my feet are too old for that nowadays. *s*
chocolate genius was the opening act...a funny guy, that marc anthony thompson *chucklin'*...he'd be singing this totally serious-sounding song, but if you listened closely, you heard that he was anything but serious. it was a great set.
but of course, we eagerly anticipated the headlining act. and they didn't disappoint. here's the set list:
god shiva
better by the pound
god.fear.money
niggerman
quentin mack
earth
barry farms
faithful
stay
fellowship
and of course, the encore:
dead nigga boulevard
pocketbook (the remix version, minus redman and tweet)
while the entire show was fantastic, the highlight for me was definitely "fellowship," a new song that's not on cookie and not available anywhere at the moment. there was this reggae kinda beat goin' on, but then federico (gonzalez peña) was doing this incredible 80s-new wave-kinda thing (alá bryan ferry/roxy music) on keys that was absolutely fucking incredible!! i'm a true child of the 80s, having graduated from high school and college and finished my master's during that inimitable decade. i love 80s new wave and bryan ferry (solo) and roxy music have always been faves. it was amazing. i was so entranced by the music that i didn't even really listen to the words! ...very unusual for me, especially with meshell's music.
anyway...a really, really, really great show. afterwards, we hung out for awhile, and i met federico (who gave me a hug) and k'alyn (who's a total sweetheart), as well as sharif from chocolate genius. i stuck around for a few minutes more, to see if i could see meshell (i never know when to refer to her as "meshell" and when as "bashir"...)...i just wanted to thank her. she emerged a little later, just as the agora staff was trying to throw us out, and she was immediately surrounded by people waving sharpies and posters at her. she looked absolutely exhausted (after that show, who wouldn't be??) and was being literally pulled this way and that by various people. when i finally got to her, she held out her hand to take mine, and i had just enough time to say "i just want to say thank you," before she was pulled in the other direction. but that was cool...that was really all i'd wanted to say, anyway. just to thank her, without asking for autographs or anything in return.
i always wonder if she recognizes me (and s, too) from show to show, city to city. i've been to 6 (or 7?) shows in the last 3 years... ann arbor, st. louis, chicago, twice in annapolis, cleveland (and the one i think i'm leaving out, due to the aforementioned synaptical misfires...). i'm kinda hard to miss...tall, thick, blonde, "pink" (quite often in a sea of brown faces *s*), and totally into the vibe...but i also realize that she does hundreds of shows, sees thousands of people, and may very well not recognize me. certainly no biggie...but i always wonder. one'a these days, i'll ask her. *grin*
anyway...despite the snafus after the show—the first involving high-speed driving and a suspended license (tho thankfully NOT mine!), and the second involving the free 45-minute concert that we missed the following day, because some idiot at the rock and roll hall of fame mistakenly told me that it was merely a "meet and greet" (ooooooooh, i was hot when i got to work on thursday and checked my e-mail!!)—it was a concert experience surpassing all expectations and defying all superlatives. if some poor soul out there is reading this, and has never had the pleasure of a meshell-and-company live show, PLEASE do yourself a huge favor by visiting the "tour de funk" section of freemyheart.com, finding the nearest venue at which there's an upcoming concert scheduled, and get thee there!
3:30 PM
May 28, 2002
it's not even about her...okay, so i promised a follow-up on the thing with my sister, following my letter to her of a few weeks ago. i had written to explain that my careless suggestion (that perhaps it might be better if i were to decline her invitation to be her maid of honor) was really about my own fears and insecurities surfacing, and that it really didn't have anything to do with her...much less anything to do with all this bitterness and resentment she insists that i have toward her (even tho i've assured her repeatedly that this is not the case). well...*sigh*...HERE is her response:
I got your letter and wanted to be sure to get back to you. I agree that trust is an issue between us. When you mentioned declining to be the maid of honor in my wedding because you felt that I would take my offer away first, it became clear to me that you don't completely trust me either. essentially, what she's done is to twist my words (yet again) to make it ALL ABOUT HER...which seems to be a recurring theme—and one that's driving me absolutely fucking insane. she can't de-self-absorb (is there a real word for that??) long enough for it to sink in that perhaps MY actions are sometimes governed by MY own issues...and not necessarily anything to do with her. it amazes me!!
and then, she adds the following bit of over-exclamation-pointed (i.e., overly emphasized) crap:
Trust takes time to build or rebuild between two people, but I know that it is something that I would like very much to work on with you and the outcome would be well worth it!
J and I look very forward to seeing you and S at the wedding in August. It will be fun! :) ugggghhhh...this is so incredibly fake. even if her sentiment is real, these particular words at this particular time made (and make) me want to throw up.
as far as the trust issue is concerned, the thing is...while i had no reason not to trust her before all of this happened...now, i do. shit...i can't even trust her to take my words at face value, without twisting them all around to fit her own (warped) perceptions! similarly, while i never felt the bitterness and resentment that she is so desperate to believe that i feel toward her...her behavior now is starting to make me feel resentful and bitter! but if i were to admit that (as my therapist pointed out last week), she could then come back and say, "see! i told you so! i knew you resented me!" *rolling eyes hard*.
i have written her two lengthy responses, neither of which i've sent. as s says, what's the point? if she (my sister) manages to twist pretty much every word i say so that it's either a) completely inaccurate; b) all about her; or c) both...i may very well be better off saving my energy, biding my time until the wedding, and making every effort to have a good time there.
as for our relationship from there on out? let's just say i have my doubts....
12:31 PM
May 16, 2002
there's no "fun" in dysfunctional...so yeah...i've not blogged in, like, forever. work has been craaaaaaaazy (tho it's starting to slow up a bit), and i've just not had time to commit to paper (or screen) everything (or even anything) going on in my life...namely, everything going on with my supremely dysfunctional family. i mean, even friends who are no strangers to family dysfunction, themselves, are shaking their heads in disbelief.
i've already blogged the whole story about my sister and "the revelation". my chief concern for a long while afterwards was my relationship with my mother. i was so angry...and very hurt. but when mom and i finally had a conversation, i realized how very frightened she was of losing me...especially in the wake of my brother's death 3 years ago, and considering her dissipating relationship with my 2 sisters. of her children, i have always been the kid who pays the most attention to her...who never forgets her birthday or mother's day, and strives to ensure that cards and gifts are thoughtfully chosen and arrive on time...who has been more like a friend to her, really, than a daughter. she appreciates it...and me...and rarely misses an opportunity to tell me that.
i also realized, at some point, that i had no interest in losing her, either. she turned 70 in february and, while she's in better physical shape than i am, she's still 70...and i don't know how much longer she'll be around. plus...despite the mistakes she's made, and the scars i bear because of them, she's still my mom. and i love her. and she did a few things right in raising me, too.
so anyway, i was feeling much better about everything...my relationship with mom, my relationship with my sister...things were looking up. i had been holding onto some resentment toward my sister for years...mostly due to my failure to understand how she could act so cold, sometimes, toward our father, even into adulthood...and how, when it meant so very much to him for us to spend time with him, she always seemed to be doing it with great reluctance. but with "the revelation", i had an understanding of why. she had felt, since she could remember, like dad loved me better. because, while i think he tried to love us both "the same" (if that's even possible), and tried not to show favoritism (toward me)...and while he did step up and raise my sister as his daughter, when he could have simply refused to do so...his feelings of hurt and bitterness and embarrassment probably showed through. and while my sister didn't know the truth (that he wasn't her biological father) until just a few years ago, i think she sensed it. and that's what caused her to behave what i perceived as cold toward him.
so when she told me the truth, last november 5th...while i was shocked, and didn't really know what to think in some ways...i also felt as if a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders...like all my resentment toward my sister had melted away...because i understood her perspective so much better, and understood why she might possibly have behaved in the ways that she did. and THEN....
a couple of months ago, my sister announced that she was getting married. i was thrilled for her! she and j had been together for just over 2 years...had broken up and gotten back together...and were now taking this serious, but very happy, step. she said to me, during that conversation, that she really never thought she'd ever get married, which struck me as very sad...but it was a happy moment, nonetheless.
a couple of weeks after that, she called again, to ask me to be her maid of honor. now...i've never been anyone's maid of honor. i've never even been in a wedding, period (except for being asked to sit at the guest book table at my brother's wedding when i was 7!). i felt very honored. and odd as it is, i was actually a little excited when she asked me to help pick out dresses! i was also a little relieved...there are just certain styles that i will NOT wear...either because they're just plain hideous...or because i would look hideous in them...so having the opportunity to be a part of the dress-choosing process was wonderful. i picked out several (of which this was my favorite...imagine it in platinum dupioni silk...)...contacted several vendors for prices (which, to my surprise, varied widely)...and shared them all with her. imagine me—long-time, self-proclaimed DYKE—getting excited about formalwear! *lol* a dyke i may be...but i'm not one who lacks fashion sense. *grin*
so anyway, my sister seemed to be getting increasingly annoyed that i had so many restrictions about the dresses. she didn't want ugly dresses, either, but she was trying to balance my concerns with those of the other bridesmaid, who has some financial concerns (understandable, since we're all flying out west for the wedding). at some point, i mentioned that perhaps i should think about declining her offer...i mean, she has enough to worry about, with making all the rest of the wedding plans...she certainly didn't need to be spending that much time worrying about a couple of damn bridesmaids' dresses. consciously, at the time, i really was concerned about over-burdening her. (tho later, i realized that, subconsciously, my own issues were surfacing....)
well...*sigh*...therein lies my mistake. my sister took that comment/suggestion and RAN. suddenly, she was telling me that i hadn't really wanted to be her maid of honor in the first place, and that it was because of this "huge pile" of resentment between us. and no matter how many times i apologized for so carelessly suggesting that i decline her invitation (i realize now that i shouldn't have said it...i should have thought more carefully about how she might possibly react), or how many times i told her that there is no huge mound of bitterness and resentment between us (which she absolutely insists is there), she refused to believe me. she still refuses to believe me, or to trust that either a) i'm telling the truth when i say that i don't resent her, or b) that i am capable of examining/willing to examine my feelings to the extent that i can know that this is true.
so...i got dumped. she actually decided (after leaving me hanging for a week, while she was "thinking it over") that she didn't want someone who held so much resentment toward her to stand up with her at her wedding, or to have responsibility for making a toast at the reception. she said she thought it would be better for our relationship, in the long term, if there weren't such pressure on me to "pretend" that i don't resent her.
i was stunned!! i had been so sure, in fact...during that week that she was "thinking it over," that she would come to the conclusion that she could trust me...that i actually bought a pair of shoes that would go with a silver bridesmaid dress, as that was the direction she was leaning (in terms of color). needless to say, the shoes have been returned.
now, i'm just hurt. yeah, i'm hurt because she asked me to be her maid of honor, which i truly consider "an honor"...and then rescinded the invitation. but i'm also hurt because i realize how little she trusts me. and, as i believe trust to be a HUGE part of any relationship...this doesn't bode well for ours.
i've written her a letter...reiterating how wrong she is about my feelings, and explaining why, exactly, i so carelessly suggested the possibility of declining her offer in the first place. while, consciously, at the time, it really was all about not wanting to over-burden her with all my dress-related concerns...i've realized since that, subconsciously, i was afraid that SHE was going to make the suggestion, herself...and doing so FIRST allowed me to feel like i had some measure of control over the whole thing. it's like, when you're in a relationship, and you sense very strongly that the person is about to break up with you...so you suggest it first. i actually did that once (though it was a long time ago)!! it's like some kind of fucked-up self-protection thing. and i'm not saying that it's right or healthy or the best thing to do (but hey...it was subconscious...i didn't even fully realize WHY i was doing it, until much later). ironically (or perhaps not?), she ended up doing the exact thing that i (subconsciously) feared. and also ironically...while she is so fraught with worry over this "huge pile of resentment" that i supposedly have toward her...she has gone and done something that might actually make a bit of that resentment real.
my intention with the letter was to explain myself...and to, hopefully, help her to understand my perspective. i'm not trying to get "re-invited" to be maid of honor or anything...that part is done. but i'm still awaiting her response. meanwhile, i don't really know how to feel. i'm hurt and shocked that she's done this...and i fear for our relationship going into the future. yes, i'm going to the wedding (and taking s with me...tho that's a whole 'nother post *s*)...but how will i feel sitting among the guests, when i was originally supposed to be in the wedding party? will it actually be better, because i'll get to spend more time with s? or will all the hurt that will certainly have dissipated by then (but which i feel today) come rushing back?? it will be an interesting few days in the pacific northwest....
4:29 PM
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