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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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June 28, 2002
festival weekendi am so glad it's not only friday, but the friday before com fest and pride weekend. even tho i won't be marching—after 11 years, i hung up my marching shoes a few years back—and probably won't even make it to pride fest, there's a tangible energy this weekend every year, especially in the neighborhoods where we live and play. even downtown, there are municipally-sanctioned rainbow banners on the lamp-posts lining high street (as the result of a battle fought and won in 2000), and bicentennial park will be swimming with queers as soon as the march ends there at 2 p.m. on sunday.
even with all that excitement, what i'm looking forward to the most is com fest. a kind-of "hippie fest in the park," it's always a cool, laid-back kinda vibe. live music on 3 stages scattered throughout the lovely goodale park...fair food (i'm not sure about deep-fried snickers bars, but the elephant ears are always tasty!), as well as lots of veggie selections...vendors hawking lots of tie-dye, incense, sterling silver, african fabrics, hemp products, smoking accoutrements, and tons of other stuff...booths where you can sign petitions to support issues like the legalization of marijuana, anti-racist action, and clean(er) drinking water...and nearly unfathomable opportunities for people watching (who doesn't love it?). it's just a good, good time. i will spend hours and hours there this weekend.
and as if all that weren't enough, i'm going to see the b52s tonite at promowest pavilion...it will definitely take me back to my college days, the (new wave) child of the 80s that i am. i'm also planning on a pre-march mimosa party tomorrow at 10 a.m. and what's billed as a post-march "tiki tea dance" at 4...so, even with my boobala in nyc for the weekend, i won't be running out of things to do!
have a great weekend, y'all...i know i will!
2:16 PM
June 24, 2002
inked at lastit took me almost halfway through my 38th year of life to do it, but it's done...i'm tattooed. and while its healing process is a bit labor-intensive right now...and it won't look its best until after it's fully healed...i'm SO happy that i did it. i was delighted that it was a lot less painful than my overly-active imagination had built it up to be. in fact, i realized immediately afterward that what hurt the most (at least at that particular moment) was my ARM...from propping myself up on the table for an hour while gunnar worked his magic. *lol* anyway, i was thrilled by this prospect, as it only means that i can have more! i'm already contemplating the "what and where" of my next tattoo.
for those of you who may be curious (and i've been more than a little surprised that anyone really cared!), i decided on the stack of 3 adinkra symbols...on the inside of my left calf, beginning just above the ankle. i had prepared myself to do just one of them, but as it was so much less painful than i had imagined (i.e., no passing out, no puking, and no involuntary shaking of tattooed limb), i went with my original plan. and it's beautiful. (sorry, no digital camera...y'all will have to wait until i finish and develop the roll.)
it's caused me to really think about a lot of things...including my reasons for making the decision to get inked in the first place. completely aside from the coolness factor (i definitely think that there is one, despite the fact that tattoos have become much less taboo and more and more people are adorning their bodies in this way), i realized that it has the potential to play a role in changing the way i feel about my body (which, by the way, hasn't been consistently good since i was about 7 years old...tho that's a whole 'nother series of posts)...and that seems like a really good thing.
nevertheless, i still have not fully reconciled my concerns about "appropriating" symbols from a culture that, clearly, is not my own. when i told s about those concerns (pre-tattoo), she interrupted me before i could even finish my sentence, with "lisa, STOP. just STOP. don't make a bigger deal of this than it is." she got a tattoo on friday, too...her 4th, a version of the om, the symbol of striving for perfect peace...and she's not hindu, buddhist, or a practitioner of yoga. so are we both just wrong?
considering the fact that i've spent the greater part of my adulthood discovering/learning more about/appreciating/embracing bits of other cultures clearly not my own (as a glimpse at my reading and listening preferences would most certainly reveal), i suppose this is no huge leap. the more i think about it, is "appropriating" really what i'm doing? i mean...no, the ashanti people of west africa didn't grant me permission to have 3 of their symbols inked permanently on my (pink) skin. on the other hand, i'm not claiming to have created the symbols myself (nor would i ever); they get the credit for that. i'm not making money by using the symbols (as these people are doing with the om symbol). i've simply found 3 beautiful symbols—which aren't without meaning for my own life, regardless of what culture they originated in—and made them a part of me. what exactly is the difference (in this particular context) between "appropriating" and "embracing," anyway? and would i be so concerned if i were a black american, instead of a white one?
okay...let me quit. perhaps i am making a bigger deal of this than is necessary. or perhaps i really am just scrambling to justify a decision i've made. either way...even tho what's done is done, and the symbols are now a permanent part (barring any unforseen amputation) of my body...i'm not done with this issue yet.
11:59 AM
June 20, 2002
tattoomorrowwell, this post started as a reply in the "comments" section for yesterday, and then i just kept going and going (as i'm oft wont to do)...so voila! it's now a bonafide post.
if you read #5 from yesterday, you know that i'm getting a tattoo tomorrow. and yes, i'm scared (and obviously haven't qualm the first about admitting it). i'm starting small (i accept the fact that i'm a PUNK and i have yet to see how well i deal with the pain)...so while i'm not totally certain yet (hey, i still have 25 hours to decide), the current plan is for the adinkra symbol dwennimmen, which means strength and humility. then, if i'm less of a punk than i anticipate, i may add 2 more adinkra symbols: sankofa (learn from your mistakes) and hye won hye (forgiveness/endurance). if i do all 3, they'll be stacked on the inside of my calf. but...i'm also still fairly seriously considering the feminist symbol that's a chunky woman's sign with a fist inside it. so...we'll see.
i admit to some hesitation about the adinkra symbols, because i’m not sure it’s entirely cool to appropriate another culture (i.e., a culture that’s not mine) like that. they’re beautiful…and they have individual meanings for me, personally…and i’ve at least done some reading about the culture, and how the symbols have been/are used…so maybe that makes it okay. or maybe i’m merely justifying it to suit my own purposes…i don’t know. *sigh* i suppose it’s no worse than non-japanese people with no connection to japanese culture (beyond a predilection for sushi) having all kindsa stuff tattooed in japanese…but i’m still not entirely comfortable with it.
i have so many ideas in my head that i really probably need several tattoos. i’ve also thought about (among others):
1) the statue of the little mermaid (no, not the disney character), the national symbol of denmark. i’m half danish (my mother’s parents came from there to the u.s. in the early 1900s), and proud of it, as denmark is quite progressive. hey, the capitol city boasts about gay copenhagen on its official tourist site!
2) some capricorn-related thing. unfortunately, the glyph/symbol is kinda boring...and the other representation is a goat!!
3) some kinda cool artistic interpretation of a double woman's sign (for obvious reasons).
this time tomorrow, i'll need to have made a final decision. right now...it's all still up in the air.
3:58 PM
June 17, 2002
5 things......you may never have guessed about me:
1) i used to drive one of these.
2) people sometimes tell me that i look like her.
3) i'm addicted to these.
4) i first kissed a woman here, in december 1986.
5) i'm going here on friday (and i'm scared!).
3:52 PM
June 13, 2002
what is a "writer"?the other day, someone asked me the "so...what do you do?" question. when i said that i'm a writer/editor at a university, she wanted to know what kinds of things i write. i gave my standard answer..."news releases, brochure copy, funding proposals...that kinda thing." and her response was simply: oh. i suppose she was expecting some kinda "sexy" answer...books...or complex research papers...or even speeches for the president. she was clearly disappointed. and it's not that her opinion was particularly important to me; i don't even know her. but her reply got me to thinking about what exactly constitutes "a writer."
except for the fact that it's my livelihood, i've never really had that "i need to write to survive" thing goin' on, that so many writers have...not on some deeply personal, spiritual level. now, i've wished for that...it's always been something i wish i felt. it sure as hell would have made my career and even my path in life a whole lot clearer...and then i could claim to be a writer in what i believe to be the truest sense of the word.
but the truth is, i spend most of my time at work taking other people's writing (and/or tangled webs of thought) and making it sound better...certainly more grammatically correct (i'm known department-wide as "the expert")...but also just plain more effective...with sounder arguments, relevant illustrations (verbal and otherwise), clear transitions and, of course, the ever-unpopular adherence to university style guidelines. many times, i do end up doing a lot of writing, in addition to this editing...adding transitions that work and other necessary components...so it's not as if i'm not doing any actual writing; i am. and i'm good at it; i'm very good at what i do...probably, at least in part, because i was really good at writing academic papers (the 1986 one arguing for a lesbian interpretation of toni morrison's sula, using the lesbian continuum theory put forth by adrienne rich in her seminal essay on "compulsory heterosexuality," being one of my very favorites *grin*). my work has helped to secure private gifts to the university of as much as $30 million (including at least that much in those multiple, tho far less significant, $1 million gifts)...and has helped to spread the news of those gifts, inspiring and encouraging others to give. of course, i can't take full credit for any of them—major gifts are typically the result of years of relationship-building on the part of many—but i don't doubt that my work has "sealed the deal" on more than one occasion.
but does all that make me a "writer"? or something else?
i've realized that what i really want to be is a creative writer. but while i'm creative...and a writer....i know, from experience, that i pretty much suck at creative writing. my feeble attempts at writing poems have produced that one phenomenon that we all wish would just go away: really bad poetry. my lone short story—produced in the one creative writing course i took in college (among the ton of english courses i took for my major)—was downright embarrassing (maybe it was that dream sequence i tried to incorporate *chucklin'*), earning me a b+ for the course (nothing less than inexcusable for an actual english major in an english course).
i don't know what it is, exactly. sometimes i think it's because, prior to this 'blog, i've never kept a journal (unless it was for a course and therefore, required and temporary)...not even a pen-and-paper one...and most all of the poets and writers i know (and know of) have journaled (is that a word?) from get. but i never did that. growing up, no one—not even the teachers who noticed that i had at least some level of talent for the written word—encouraged me to journal, and i guess i never really thought of doing it, myself. as an adult, i actually tried journaling at a couple of points (at the suggestion of my therapist)...but my entries always came out sounding whiny and pathetic (kinda like, uhhhh, this one does a lot of the time *chucklin'*), and i just couldn't bear it....so i quit before i'd done it a week. when i tried going back to it, the words just wouldn't flow.
i think it's also because i was in school (including college and most of graduate school) before the concept of drafting was a common writing practice...that is, before computers took over the world. from elementary school on, i wrote my papers from start to finish, crafting and re-crafting each paragraph as i went along, rather than just getting my thoughts down on paper in a "first draft" and going back later to revise and refine it. in fact—up until the last paper i wrote for the last graduate course i took, prior to all those "independent study" hours during which i wrote (or was supposed to be writing) my master's thesis—i actually wrote all my papers, in their entirety, in longhand, and typed them up on an old army-green ibm selectric typewriter that i had bought (used!) with my high school graduation gift money!! some of my peers were more technologically savvy, and were already using computers and/or (as t.a.s) teaching their requisite freshman comp. courses in a computer-based format...but i wasn't alone. the only reason i really even learned how to use a computer in the first place was because i refused to write a 100+ page document (i.e., my thesis) longhand...only to have to type it, and then retype it repeatedly, to make the revisions suggested by my advisors. so... call me lazy. *grin*
but ahhhhh...enough whining and excuses. probably the biggest reasons that i have no creative writing skills are that 1) i simply lack the talent for that kind of writing; and 2) i lack the drive to actually practice creative writing in order to get better at it (call me crazy...or lazy...but after doing it all day, i'm really in no mood for what only seems like more work after i get home). and that doesn't have to be such a horrible thing, as i recognize my talents in other areas. nonetheless, it doesn't stop me from longing to be a "real" writer...and wishing that i had what it takes to just be one.
fortunately, i'm never at a loss for interesting things to read—probably my very favorite thing to do, and what i've always considered to be "research" for writing my own book someday (however uncreative it will be *grin*).
12:04 PM
June 10, 2002
i am the idiotand yes, i'm openly admitting it. i deleted the post about my uncle. and i didn't even mean to. thanks for pointing that out, deshi. of course, i was oblivious.
y'all know WAY more about this stuff than i do, so...if anyone somehow has that post (somehow? do sites that you access get archived anywhere temporarily on your hard drive or something???), please let me know.
4:07 PM
June 06, 2002
all about him...it's not just my sister...it seems i'm surrounded by people who believe that "it's all about them." this morning, my boss ("r"...who is a gay man) and i both received a (listserv) e-mail from the faculty/staff glbt group on campus, announcing a women's dance. it's a quarterly chem-free event, sponsored by BRAVO (the Buckeye Region Anti-Violence Organization...not the restaurant), lba, w.o.w., and stonewall. the announcement was thoroughly innocuous...perhaps with the exception that, this time, the event is being held on campus.
a few minutes later, r came into my office and asked, "did you get my e-mail?" i hadn't yet, as it's his usual (and extremely annoying) practice to send an e-mail to one of us in this very small office of 4...and then, seconds later, to walk in, sit down, and ask if we've gotten his e-mail yet (which, of course, we usually haven't, since most people's e-mail settings don't prescribe "checking for new mail" every millisecond). so i do a manual check for new e-mail and see his comments on the announcement as follows:
I find this offensive and exclusionary -- only open to women? What about the gay men in the community that are supportive of lesbian issues.... just my morning editorial..... and of course, he was in a mood to talk about it. *rolling one eye*
i start by explaining that "some women" feel a need for women-only space...if for no other reason than that, because we live in a generally sexist and arguably misogynist society, the rest of the world is set up for / to cater primarly to men. a simple concept, no?
"but what about those of us men, particularly gay men, who are supportive of women?" he asks. (this from a man who discriminates against the very (2) women who report to him, by treating the one man who reports to him like an "assistant director," ensuring that he's paid more than we are despite the fact that the three of us are supposed to be "peers," etc., etc., etc., ad nauseum). fighting a very strong desire to roll my eyes, i explain that "many women" don't really perceive that support from men. (just one) case in point: compare the numbers of female AIDS activists to the numbers of male breast/cervical cancer activists.
"but you can't even compare the two...AIDS is transmitted. cancer just happens." (uhhhh...did i happen to mention that r is a complete IDIOT)?? i almost fly off the proverbial handle...not quite...but almost. i ask him why that difference means that men can't be empathetic and supportive of women facing these types of health crises (he hems and haws and doesn't answer). i go on to explain that cancer among lesbians been linked to the fact that we tend not to have regular medical appointments (which, for many, is because we get tired of homophobic...or at the very least, heterosexist...doctors asking that "are you sexually active?" question and expecting that each of us who answers "yes" should be practicing birth control)...and also to the smaller likelihood (tho not necessarily much smaller, given the recent and growing "gayby boom" phenomenon) that we will give birth at some point during our lifetimes.
he just stared at me as if i were from outer space...mumbled something about how that was "just his opinion"...and walked out, claiming to be late for a meeting (fabricating meetings to get him out of uncomfortable situations/conversations being another of his practices).
it was a simple announcement about a women's dance...and still, he managed to make it all about him.
4:26 PM
June 04, 2002
the day we've all been waiting for...(and yes, i ended that in a preposition on purpose...) after months and months of excruciating anticipation, cookie: the anthropological mixtape has finally dropped! i received my 2 pre-ordered copies from amazon.com today, and am checking out the bonus material now...available only to folks who actually purchase the cd (vs. getting a burned copy from their friends...what a great way to get people to buy the cd!). i've already heard the whole cd, but i'm still excited to actually have a real, live, commercial copy in my hot little hands. i don't know...maybe it's the hope that, this time around, meshell will actually get the props she's been earning since '93. it seems that the folks at maverick really have stepped up their promotional efforts, with a hot remix and video of "pocketbook" (check them out at matthew's site)...and i know i've been working hard on my own. sherri and i hit the streets of the short north on saturday, putting up posters, leaving posters and sampler cds with a coupla record stores, a gay bookstore, bars, art galleries, and other such establishments (and of course, sherri was using the cds to flirt with cute women *lol*)...and then i hit main campus yesterday, doing the same thing. my dogs are barkin', but i feel like i've done a little something to support the cause.
as incredibly corny as it sounds, meshell and her music have had a major impact on my life over the years...in ways i can't even fully articulate. i see things i didn't used to see...think about things i didn't used to think about, because i didn't have to. of course, it's also helped that i've spent most of the last 8 years living with people (first, my ex...now, my boobala) who have taught me the same kinds of things. *grin* but ms. bashir shakur has played a part in my growth, as well.
but even if you don't care about all'a that...BUY THE CD ANYWAY (not that most people reading this haven't already!). if you don't like it, e-mail me...and i'll buy it from you. *grin*
4:26 PM
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