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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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September 26, 2002
succumbing to contagionscooch over jason, j, and ej…i’m jumping on the proverbial bandwagon….
ten movies i'd watch over and over:
my life as a dog (the un-dubbed version)
i've heard the mermaids singing
american beauty
monster’s ball
the shawshank redemption
chocolat
love & basketball
the hurricane
silence of the lambs
home for the holidays
nine people i enjoy the company of:
s (my boobala)
sherri
brent & jason
david t.
carla
chris & kim
my therapist (is that weird??)
eight things i'm wearing:
black crinkled cotton, embroidered “hippie shirt”
khakis
black frye slides
kenneth cole tank watch (with charcoal face)
silver jewelry (4 rings, 2 necklaces, 3 bracelets, 2 toe rings, 5 earrings)
ankle bracelets (1 made, 1 bought)
black fabric barrette with beads & tiny cowrie shells
bonne bell lip lix (“i scream” flavor)
seven things on my mind:
stewart’s key lime soda
the odd mix of songs on public radio
s’s (cherubic) face
work/unpacking
work out tonite? or skip it?
trying the vegetarian blt at skully’s
used-to-be friends (and why they’re not now)
six objects i touch every day:
harper lee & kala (the cats)
s’s lips
my keys
the tv remote
diet soda (cherry coke, mountain dew, or code red)
five things i do everyday:
read
watch tv
iron something to wear
fail to get enough sleep
tell s that i love her
four bands (etc.) that i couldn't live without:
méshell ndegéocello & the conscientious objectors
michael franti & spearhead
the fugees/lauryn hill
the talking heads
three of my favorite songs of the moment:
ll cool j, “luv you better”
res, “how i do”
erykah badu (featuring common), "love of my life"
two people who have influenced my life the most:
s
sherri
one person whom i love more than anyone in the world:
s
3:46 PM
September 23, 2002
move baby, movei'm about to shut down my computer for the last time before our office's move to a new building tomorrow morning. because i have to depend on those more technically savvy than myself to get me reconnected again, it's like cutting myself off from the rest of the (online) world without any idea when i'll regain that connection. yikes!
so...in case i don't until i rejoin the online world, i have a little somethin' good for y'all. check out my grrl breathless, a midwest mc who's gonna blow up any day now (and hire s and me as her publicists *grin*). she writes all her own rhymes...she has a really nice flow...she's cute...and she "goes to our church" *wink, wink*. her song "tonite" is my fave...enjoy.
4:58 PM
September 18, 2002
hate the system, love the gamewell, my friend didn't pass her drug test. and even tho she should have known better than to smoke while she was unemployed and interviewing, her experience has brought to the forefront the issues i have with punishing people for recreational use of one drug, while completely ignoring the use of others. sure, people have to smoke cigarettes outside their workplaces now, and drinking on the job is (of course) frowned upon...but to even get a job at many places, you have to piss in a cup and prove that you don't smoke weed—which studies have shown is far less addictive or dangerous than either nicotine or alcohol—on your own time. this is certainly not a new debate, and i'm sure there are plenty of arguments to counter mine—but i'm just pissed OFF right now (punthefuckintended).
i actually started off the day in a fairly good mood. i came in to work late so that i could stay home (with s, who called in sick) and watch the usa women's world championship team smoke cuba, broadcast from changzhou, china, on nbatv. they've now won 14 straight games. hey, someone had to step up and redeem the sorry-ass performance of their counterparts, who finished 6th (i think) in men's world championship competition. the usa women's team features several of my favorite players, including my favorite point guard and a former buckeye, both of whom played on the (now defunct) abl's columbus quest—whose friday nite games used to be the biggest lesbian cocktail parties in town (maaaaaan, i miss that....).
interestingly, while the usa men's games (held in indianapolis) were broadcast all over the place, no network had any original plans to broadcast the usa women's games—until usa basketball was bombarded with calls, letters, and e-mails (including one from my boobala) complaining about this fact. i guess that's when nbatv stepped up. thank goddess for digital cable!
writing this, i realize that i haven't blogged much about s's and my shared obsession with women's basketball. that's another post for another day....but for now, suffice it to say that we've ordered our season tickets (for seats just 5 rows off the floor) and can't wait for the first game on november 6.
see....just blogging about it makes me feel better.
12:47 PM
September 17, 2002
extREMe dreamingi woke up this morning with a red spot on my eye; a blood vessel has obviously burst. this has never happened to me before. i don't know whether i should be concerned or not.
my first thought was that i had somehow scratched my eye in my sleep, which i suppose is entirely possible. my next thought was, could it have been caused by dreaming? rapid eye movement gone bezerk? i was dreaming really intense dreams...kind-of a mix of fear factor and waiting around anxiously for something to happen...undoubtedly a product of a) having watched people on television (last nite) swim with alligators, eat insects and animal innards, and perform amazing feats inside and atop a careening oil tanker; and b) the anxiety i'm feeling about/for my friend, who is awaiting the results of a drug test...the unexpected prerequisite for a job that she really needs, wants, deserves, and would be terrific at (yes, i've already berated her about smoking while unemployed...).
what i really need to be doing is purging my office in preparation for our move to a new building next tuesday...or packing my office...or at least doing some kind of work today. what i want to be doing is going down to the drug-testing place to bribe them (if necessary) or otherwise ensure a negative test result—because, if i can't solve everyone's problems, then what good am i?? what i will do is sit here and worry obsess about a potential positive test result...and about what's going on with my eye (at least until i've found something online—or gotten a doctor—to tell me that i needn't worry).
i can't stand myself sometimes.
12:14 PM
September 16, 2002
queer theatre & mob melodramathis weekend, the columbus national gay and lesbian theatre festival kicked off and we decided to check it out.
friday nite, we saw karen williams: comic superbitch, who was reasonably funny. i was surprised, tho, that there weren't more black folks in the audience (just s and 2 women who came in late), especially since karen's was the only act whose publicity featured a person of color (i.e., there may have been others, but their participation isn't obvious on the web site or in the materials). actually, i only saw 2 other people of color at the other shows during the weekend, and one was a festival judge (whom i used to date, but that's another story...). at first i wondered if maybe black folks in columbus don't really "do" theatre, or at least glbt black folks here don't do glbt theatre....but then again, maybe publicity for the whole event was just weak (which we kind-of suspect, anyway).
sunday, we saw the blade parade, which was pretty bad...and then the brian and mal show, which was hilarious. highlights included brian in a one-man "scooby doo goes to provincetown" skit in which he played all of the characters (including velma, who had, of course, already experienced p-town...probably with peppermint patty) and a version of bound, pieces of which were spread throughout the entire 90-minute show, that featured him doing the best jennifer tilly (as violet) i've ever seen.
s was amused by a coupla guys sitting next to her who introduced themselves to each other at the start of the show, were holding hands by the middle of the show, and playing with the hair at the nape of each other's necks by the end of the show. "men are funny," she said, as she delayed our departure to see if they went into the restroom together (they didn't). lesbians get accused all the time of bringing the u-haul on the second date, and i've seen it happen practically that fast...but damn!
anyway, s had bought us each a 5-show festival "gold pass," so we'll choose 2 more shows to see between now and saturday. i hope they're as good as brian and mal (tho i have my doubts).
of course, we made it home last nite in time for the season premiere of the sopranos. i can't tell yet if i'll be into it as much as i was last season—i think i'm still coming down off the the wire and trying to get back into the story line—but i'm glad they're back.
4:04 PM
September 12, 2002
white-people kool-aidyou know, it's funny....even when i'm trying to explain how it's not all about me, i end up making it all about me. maybe it's a white-people thing....like kool-aid without enough sugar. whatever the case...it's so. not. attractive.
12:07 PM
September 11, 2002
this daywhen my brother died unexpectedly in 1999, i grieved less for myself than i did for my sister-in-law, who had just lost her husband of almost 30 years...and for my niece and nephew, who (at the ages of 14 and 21) had just lost their dad. they were the ones who had lived with jeff for all those years...who knew him better than anyone else...who would miss him the most. but the fact that i was grieving more for them and less for myself didn't diminish that grief. in fact, i think it only served to intensify it.
one year ago today, and for several weeks afterward, i experienced a similar feeling of grief—only magnified by thousands. i was fortunate to lose no one close to me on that day, but it almost felt like i had. i mean...everyone felt like shit that day...but compared to most everyone i talked to, i seemed to be taking it to a whole 'nother level. it wasn't so much the news footage that flooded my mind (as pervasive as it was), but the images of what the people on those planes and in those buildings had experienced—the panic and fear, the grief of knowing they'd never see their loved ones again—as well as the pain and loss that their families and friends were only just beginning to endure. in the days that followed, i gave a name to what i was feeling: hyper-empathy (it was weeks before i found out that it was actually a word, and that i hadn't just made it up myself!). my boobala told me this morning that i'm a "weight-of-the-world kinda chick." however you want to say it, i've been fighting tears—and the urge to throw up—all day. i think the funk i've been in for the last coupla weeks has been dread that this day was just around the corner.
i'm not reading the papers today. i've only listened to a few minutes of radio. i've watched no television. and tonite, we're going straight from the gym to rent-a-flick, for dvds galore. i don't need the "calvacade of platitudes" (props to donald for coining that phrase), or gratuitous flag-waving, or public memorials ad nauseum, to remind me what was going on, one year ago today. i'm so sick of all that. what we need to be doing is remembering all the people WORLDWIDE who've lost their lives and their loved ones to terrorism...including the terrorism perpetuated by the united states.
*sigh* i'm out. peace and love to you all....
4:31 PM
September 10, 2002
step outside the boxi've been thinking about how expand upon my last post, as well as how to broach the whole "september 11th" thing (because you know you're all thinking about it, whether you're saying anything about it or not....). in a way, an amazing article from the observer that george posted recently brings the two together. Because of our history and our experience right here in America, as well as in Africa, we have an understanding of the rage and anger of America's so-called enemies....Black people know that most Arabs and Muslims are good people, that their beliefs are just as valid as Christian beliefs, that they have been at the receiving end of American so-called foreign policy for years. As a people of colour, we know how America treats other people of colour—with suspicion or disdain. —walter mosley in this interview, mosley (one of my very favorite writers of fiction) crystallizes what s and i (and a whole lot of other people) started talking about almost a year ago...how black folks in this country were all too familiar with "terrorist acts" to be very surprised by what happened on 9-11-01.
mosley continues....There are two Americas, and one is blind to the other. The way most black people live, the daily racism and the suffering, is transparent to white America. They just don't see it, or they choose not to. More importantly, they don't understand how most black people feel, how we live with rage every day, a rage against America. THIS is where my last post comes in. it was really about the inability to think—and live—outside the box...outside the neat little worlds that people tend to build around themselves because (i guess....?) it feels safe and comfortable and they can negotiate those spaces without a whole lot of thought or effort. AND the neat little boxes that (most often, these same) people try to put others in.
so...most white people don't go to theaters to see movies with predominantly black casts (and/or black directors, producers, etc.) because those movies are "not about them." on the flip side, tho, j can't find anyone to go see a foreign film with him because "black people don't like foreign films." and some people don't really know what to think about jason because he listens to madonna and is a fan of mr. bean (see their comments in response to my september 5th post). so it works both ways. it's a wonder that this country isn't more racially polarized than it is...and i haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the issue, or to address what happens for those of us who aren't simply "black" or "white".
why is it, anyway, that we are so eager to put people and things into neat little categories? why do we actually feel a need to do that? why can't we even see, let alone embrace, cultural aspects that are different from what we know, or what we're used to? i've never understood this phenomenon, yet it has long figured prominently in my life. when i came to the realization that i didn't want to be a christian, it had a lot to do with my issues with organized religion—which seems to give people the license to say, "my beliefs are more valid than yours". why can't everyone's beliefs be valid? why can't people step outside their own boxes to acknowledge that? of course, there are varying degrees of this whole pigeonholing thing, but for example: when people have condemned me to hell for being a lesbian (aka, my "lifestyle"), what stopped them from seeing me as a human being not so very different from themselves? why can't they step outside that particular box, and refrain from putting me into a different one? and when someone (black) whom s has just met discovers that i am white, why do they often assume that i'm "bad for her," and/or that she's internalized racism to such a degree that she can't have a relationship with a black woman, and has to "resort to" being with a white woman?? i could probably take this even further on another day. today is just not that day.
i have tried to find a way to think about this day, this anniversary, this "9-11" thing in some kind of positive way. NOT because i think we should all be "over it by now" and simply getting on with "business as usual"...but because i almost have to have a positive way to think about it, or i will lose my mind. mosley, in this interview, gives me that positive spin with a call to action: What I am saying is that because of our unique position [as black americans], we should be at the forefront of a new peace movement that starts the process whereby Americans start to see the world, and themselves, differently. i only hope that i can live to see—and help—it happen.
1:50 PM
September 05, 2002
i don't countjason was talking the other day about images of black folks in the media (particularly film) and the lack of romantic movies, featuring black male leads, reaching wide audiences. in the course of the comments, he wanted to know where all the white people are—both in the audiences for these movies, and in the movies themselves (think the best man). especially after reading everyone's comments, mine got so out of control that i figured they should probably just become a blog of their own. (i've been doing that a lot lately....). that's a good thing—my last few posts have been dull, dull, dull. it's not that i'm not thinking about things...there's a lot going on right now to think about. it's just that the desire to take the time and energy to write about them just hasn't been there for me lately. but i digress....
i'll forgive jason for saying that "lesbians don't count" if we happen to be the white folks in these audiences, but only because i think i know what he meant. *grin* actually, i'm not sure that i do "count," but i don't think that's attributed to my being a lesbian. i've been pretty much immersed in facets of "black culture"—literature, music, film—for so long (15+ years) that i rarely read books written by white folks anymore (if i do, they're usually by gay/lesbian/bi authors) and 95% or more of my music "in rotation" is music made by black folks. living with a black woman—actually...2 black women, just one at a time...!—for 8 of the last 9 years has undoubtedly influenced my cultural proclivities, as well. i honestly don't think i'm lyin' when i say that i'm not "your average white grrl"....
while i suppose there's more of a "balance" in the movies i see—no surprise there, as the industry is pretty much driven by white folks (tho thankfully, that's being challenged more and more)—i did see all but one of the movies jason mentioned in the theaters—love & basketball (the first dvd i ever owned), the best man, love jones, and jason's lyric (that's the one i didn't see until video)...in addition to how stella got her groove back, two can play that game, the wood, and i don't know how many others. sometimes we don't make it until the second-run theaters, but we see every "black peepa movie" (as s calls them *chucklin'*) that hits the theaters, almost regardless of genre. it's not often that i miss a movie featuring denzel, jeffrey (as few and far between as they are), samuel, omar, or laurence...or angela, sanaa, whoopi, alfre, or monica (okay, so she may be a less-than-stellar actor, but...she's fine, okay??)...or many others.
but it's true that i'm often one of just a few white people in the place (and sometimes the only one)—which supports jason's argument. we see black folks in the audiences for so-called "white movies" (i.e., those with no or few prominent black roles) all the time, but the opposite is most certainly not true. not cool, but...not surprising, either. in fact, i just don't get white people who have no interest in seeing movies with predominantly black casts...reading books written by black authors...or listening to music by black artists. a lot of the time, this work isn't really about "the black experience," per se, but is more about the human experience. but (white) folks so often don't want to acknowledge that. it's like...they're more comfortable continuing to see black folks as "the other," rather than acknowledging our common humanity...or taking a step outside their own little boxes for a second, to see what life is like for people who are different from themselves.
when i talk to the (mostly white) people i work with, they've almost never even heard of the authors i'm reading, the movie i've just seen, or the music in my cd player. they wonder why the framed posters up on my walls are of lauryn hill and meshell, and why my work space features a watermelon woman postcard and images of people as diverse as bessie coleman, michael franti, madame c. j. walker, jackie joyner-kersee, malcolm x, and ruth ellis. i always get the sense that they don't "get" me at all, or have the vaguest of ideas about why these images might hold some importance for me. i imagine them thinking, "what's up with this woman? why should 'we' be concerned with 'them,' anyway??"
this has obviously become less about the movies, and more about how absurdly self-absorbed white people can be, in the comfort of their own little lily-white worlds. but maybe that's part of what jason was really saying in the first place.
2:45 PM
September 04, 2002
freedom for freemyheart.com?and by the way....if you're clicking on the freemyheart.com link at left—or you've stumbled here as the result of a google search—and are getting an error message, you're not alone. the company that matthew pays to host the site has taken it down, due to pending legal proceedings surrounding songs (by a certain artist who shall remain nameless on my site...hey, i'm not looking for a lawsuit of my own...) made available for download there for a very limited time. to keep the site fresh, matthew has offered a stunning range of downloadables each week, which has been the coolest...especially at times when there's been no new "real" info on meshell, such as the 11-or-so months from when cookie was finished until it was actually released. now, he's being punished for it.
we hope it's temporary, and we really hope there's no lawsuit. otherwise, the official and definitive meshell site will be no more...at least for awhile (i.e., most of it is saved, but it will be expensive to get it back up and running). keep your digits crossed....
UPDATE: in case you're dying to figure out that obscure meshell lyric, read your favorite interview from 1993, or determine the exact date of her '99 concert in ann arbor, visit the temporary home of freemyheart.com here.
5:00 PM
wanna feel smarter?you're an undeniably smart bunch, but just in case you need a little boost today.... (i don't know if these are for real or not, but i laughed nonetheless):
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
—Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
—Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.”
—Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
“I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
—Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
—Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
“I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
—Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.”
—A congressional candidate in Texas
“I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
—John Wayne
“Half this game is ninety percent mental."
—Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
—Al Gore, Vice President
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
—Dan Quayle
“It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
—George Bush
“We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
—Lee Iacocca
“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.”
—Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
—Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
—Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
—Bill Clinton
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
—Al Gore
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
—Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
—Department of Social Services, Greenville, SC
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart through the night, and the next morning, if they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
—Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
4:41 PM
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