February 26, 2003
overwhelmeds and i have been whirlwinds of activity for the last few weeks, trying to get ready for this move. purging, packing, painting, spackling, running errands, choosing the movers, switching the utilities, obtaining the parking sticker, doing change-of-addresses, researching and testing the best kind of cat litter (for when you no longer have a basement)...and staying on top of our soon-to-be landlord to make sure his stuff is out of there before friday and that all the things he's promised us will be done, actually get done.
obsessive, you say? well, yes. i'm a capricorn, honey...we're planners. poke fun if you will, but i've got "attention to detail" down to a science. and i know it'll pay off when we have less to move, everything packed, beautiful walls, no security-deposit-jeopardizing nail holes in our old walls, paper towels and cleaning supplies, efficient movers, light and heat, no parking tickets, mail, no evidence of cats beyond their presence...and a tidy house into which we can move our things.
and of course, we've both been working full-time on top of all that, i've been fighting a cold and a lingering cough, and s has been dealing with her own health issues. it's exhausting.
but also exciting. the rooms we painted are lovely—"caramel kiss" in the living room, "oyster shell" in the dining room, "pipe smoke" in our bedroom. my online shopping has switched gears from personal stuff (clothes, shoes) and gifts (i.e., back in november and december) to stuff for the new place: new bed linens (in "silver" and "steel")...mirrors for over the fireplaces (1 functional, 2 decorative)...area rugs to complement the hardwood floors, our furniture, and the newly-hued walls...towels and rugs for the bathrooms...lamps to brighten the rooms with no overhead lighting. we probably won't splurge on what is quite possibly the coolest entertainment unit ever created, but we're not moving in with just what we own, either (thank the goddesses for tax return money...).
still...as we make all these preparations, i am haunted by the thought that we may not even get to enjoy our new place at all...that the u.s. will have waged war, iraq will have retailiated, and we will have all been annihilated by then. that our families and friends and everyone we love will be gone, too.
reading j, jason and lynne, i'm reminded that i'm not the only one feeling worried. or frightened. or depressed.
i have two mantras by which i try to live my life. "carpe diem" is the first. i know it seems trite, but (being the capricorn planner that i am) it's something i strive to always keep in mind.
the second is a lyric from a méshell song:"i would not exchange the sorrows of my heart for the joys of the multitude." all my experiences, bad or good, help to shape who i am, and who i will be...so i'm cool with the bad ones. the character-building ones. if not immediately, eventually.
even so...it's hard to comprehend not having tomorrow, y'all...and having my last bad experience be one that doesn't build character, or shape who i am—but the one that ends my life, the lives of everyone i know and love and those i don't, and the world as we know it.
so yeah. it's all just a little overwhelming.
4:09 PM
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