April 23, 2003
iowa dreamin'so yeah...my last 2 posts have been all about the memories that came rushing back to me last week, when i was in iowa. that little town where i was "popular" (*laughing*) is located on the 45-mile stretch between my dad's and my mom's, so i drove thru it 3 times in 2 days. past the pharmacy and the former "tastee freeze" where i once worked. past the high school at the top of the hill that i climbed every morning. past the bank where i opened my first checking account. past the building across the street that once housed the savings and loan (remember those?) that my mom managed...i.e., the reason that we moved there in the first place. past the street where our old house sits. past the corner north of town, where we turned to go to the cemetery to retrieve the stash of beam's choice or sloe gin that always seemed to be waiting for us.
there's another small town on that route, where d and l (who've been married for years; they probably have kids) now live. for years, i've regretted how i treated her. she had been my friend, and i carried on a "thing" with her boyfriend, for years. driving thru (all 3 times), i fantasized for a moment about finding their house and stopping by. to apologize to her. and to make sure that he knows...hmmmm. i'm not sure just what i want him to know. maybe that i realized my mistake(s) a long time ago. that i've done just fine without him. that i wasn't really "in love," after all...just young and naive and lonely and very, very confused.
but...why do i even care? soooooo long ago. soooooo not relevant to my life anymore.
i got home on sunday nite, and was going thru my mail while waiting for s to finish the lovely "welcome home" dinner she was preparing...and what do i find, but an envelope with THEIR last name in the return address spot! my first thought was, another letter?? what have i done wrong NOW? *chuckling*
it was an invitation to the 20th class reunion, sent by l because she's on the committee, and because she and d are hosting a "family pool party" as part of the weekend's festivities. i didn't even graduate from that high school, so being invited to their reunion is kinda cool. it's weird, tho...while i declined the 20th reunion invitation for the school from which i actually graduated, with barely a thought a few weeks ago, this one i'm actually considering. i think i'd probably have to do some "damage control" beforehand...not only with l, but also with t (my former best friend, "the most popular girl in school"). i wasn't a good friend to her, either. she announced that she was pregnant during our junior year in college, while i was going thru my own shit (in love with my roommate but not knowing it was "love", blah blah blah)...and i wasn't there for her at all. a year later—2 weeks into my first REAL relationship, which also happened to be with a woman—she asked me, point-blank, if i was "dating women." it was too new, and i was still too freaked out by people knowing, for fear that they'd reject me. so i lied. and that was the last time i ever saw or spoke to her.
but anyway...i'm considering going to this reunion. i certainly realize that, in the grand scheme of things, with all that's going on in the world right now, this "ain't no thang" (as sherri would say). but maybe that's exactly why i'm totally obsessing about it.
10:53 AM
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