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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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April 22, 2003
rushing backthe summer after 8th grade, my mom got a job promotion and we moved to a small town about 25 miles from where we'd lived for the last 9 years, and where i'd done most of my growing up. i was upset about moving and leaving my friends, but excited to start high school. i hadn't been particularly popular in junior high (which was, to me, pretty important). i was smart and got good grades. i didn't excel at sports. i was in that very awkward stage between being a child and being a woman (i.e., i wasn't too cute). and to top it off, we didn't live in the right neighborhood and my clothes were mostly hand-me-downs. so i hoped that maybe things would change in my new environment.
i'm not sure what it was, exactly...perhaps it was the novelty of being "the new girl." or perhaps it was simply being in the right place at the right time. but suddenly, for the first time in my life, i was popular. i made friends easily. people thought i was cool. i lettered in softball and volleyball (i wasn't good, but was rewarded for my effort). i made the cheerleading squad (junior varsity basketball my freshman year, varsity wrestling my sophomore year). my best friend was the most popular girl in my class and we were inseparable. as freshmen, we hung out with juniors. at 14, they taught us how to get drunk. we spent the next couple of years perfecting it.
one of those juniors was d, a guy i worked with after school and on saturdays at the pharmacy. he asked me out, but i said i wanted to "stay friends." i think he was disappointed, but we ended up being friends anyway. at 17, he had gone thru some shit in his life. he witnessed his father's death in a boating accident, and was watching his mother slowly die of cancer. i think that drew me to him. my life had been pretty uncomplicated, in comparison (back then, anyway), but i could relate to him. he made me laugh. he was really the first guy who had ever paid me any attention at all.
even so, i insisted that i didn't want a boyfriend. or even to date anyone. (this would only make sense to me years later....) i ended up "fixing him up" with a friend of mine, l. they started dating exclusively. but d and i still spent a lot of time together. at work, but also as drinking buddies...especially when l's semi-strict parents insisted she stay home on a friday or saturday nite, but my mother was still pretty clueless about my "extracurricular activities."
so, in the spring of my freshman year, mom announced that she was going to marry "norm," the guy she'd been dating, and that we were all moving to colorado. i was furious. there was no way i was giving up my new happy life, especially after we'd moved there less than a year before. so i said, "no." i simply refused to go. i would live with my best friend, t. or i would move in with my dad, who lived in another small town about 20 miles away; i would've had to switch schools, but at least i'd be close to my new friends. i was NOT moving to colorado.
well, norm decided not to marry my mother. she told me it was because of me. maybe he knew she wouldn't be happy leaving me behind...i've never been sure. but she told me that i'd ruined her last chance for happiness. i was 15.
nonetheless, my life went on happily...after all, i had "won." but in the spring of my sophomore year, mom announced that she was marrying "jim," the guy she had started dating after norm left for colorado without her. he owned land outside yet another small town, a couple of hours away, and they were building a house. i was heartbroken. but i couldn't deal with any more guilt. so i didn't fight it. they got married, we moved, and i started my junior year in a new, larger school. i didn't make the cheerleading squad (the practices for which d had driven me all the way up there, even before we moved). they didn't have volleyball. their softball team was too good, and i'd have never even made it thru tryouts. when i gained weight, mom insisted i (still a virgin) was pregnant. but i made friends. i drank a lot. i smoked marlboro lights (secretly, only on the weekends). i made out with pretty much any boy who was interested.
every chance i got, i went back to see my old friends. the only speeding ticket i've ever gotten was that first year, 6 months after i'd gotten my license. 79 in a 55. all i could think about was getting there, as fast as my stepdad's old 2-door chevy caprice would take me.
(to be continued....)
9:47 AM
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