June 10, 2003
public freakingand no, this isn't about sex al fresco.
this morning, i had to give a brief presentation to 60-some people at our monthly staff meeting, about a conference i attended last month. i despise public speaking, but my boss made me do it. i had tried to postpone it, and even had logical reasons for doing so, but the asshole he had a comeback for every such idea i proposed. you see, he relishes the very thought of me being uncomfortable.
finally, i gave in. i got myself on the agenda. i prepared an outline so that i wouldn't forget what i wanted to say. i donned a classy suit this morning. i was sporting a cute new haircut (5 inches off, layers and body in...i'm happier with my hair than i've been in years). and i was feeling nervous, but not scared. i was really feeling okay.
and then? i reached the podium.
my heart started beating super-fast. i could actually feel the flush, starting at my chest, rising up my neck, onto my face, and heating up my ears. i noticed my knuckles turning white from gripping the sides of the podium. and as i started speaking, i did what i had sworn i wouldn't do this time:
i forgot to breathe.
i don't know what it is, but this happens every time i have to speak to more than 10 people. i get to the end of a sentence and have to pause to catch my breath...i mean, like, REALLY pause...to the point that seconds are ticking off in my head, reminding me of how idiotic i must look up there. meanwhile, everyone's looking at me expectantly...some smiling...and i just know they're thinking, "why is she hyperventilating?" and wondering how i could possibly be so calm and confident and knowledgeable and capable during meetings one-on-one or in small groups, and then be reduced to this when there's a few more people in the room.
i actually did a good job of not just reading my outline, but of actually talking. i made eye contact with various people around the room. i even made a joke. after all, i know the game. i know how it's supposed to be done. i just did it while failing to breathe.
finally, i finished and made it back to my seat. people even clapped (tho probably because they felt sorry for me). i sat thru the rest of the meeting with mild chest pains. see...that's what happens when you go for several minutes without breathing.
everyone says it's normal. everyone says it gets easier, the more you do it. but the thing is, the thought of doing it enough times to actually get to the point where it's easier, terrifies me. i mean, i'd rather skydive. i'd rather surf the dangerous reefs of samoa (ala surf girls). or play fear factor and eat bull testicles and goat eyeballs.
okay, so maybe not really. but close. i'd consider it.
contrary to my goal-driven capricorn nature, i haven't the slightest interest in overcoming this anxiety about public speaking. i'll just sit my happy ass in a chair and listen to everyone else speak, okay? mmm hmm, thanks.
4:10 PM
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