August 19, 2003
disconnectwhile it was definitely great to see teri at the reunion this weekend, and to see her happy, i was disappointed that we didn't really (re)connect, as i had hoped we might. we were close in high school...especially the 2 years we were actually in school together, before i moved away. i spent so much time at her house that it felt like my own house...her brothers, my brothers...her parents, my parents (well, almost). i remember being actually jealous when she went on dates...not because i was in love with her or anything like that—tho i probably wouldn't have recognized that, even if it had been true—but because she'd be doing something fun without me, and i'd have to figure out what i would do, myself. we were together so much that, when we weren't, it all just felt wrong. even after i moved away, and even after we each started college at different schools, we still kept in touch and saw each other as much as we could manage.
when she announced that she was pregnant, during our junior year in college, i was dealing with my own issues...namely, being in love with my roommate but not recognizing it as such...and just being really upset and confused about the whole thing. despite our past connection and ongoing friendship, i suddenly felt like teri and i were such opposites. i didn't feel like she could relate to what was happening in my life (especially because i couldn't even identify it, much less articulate it)...and i certainly couldn't relate to what was going on in hers. that was really "the beginning of the end" for us, i think. until this past weekend, we had seen each other only once after that, over the holidays during my senior year. her baby was a year old by then, and i was 2 weeks into my first relationship with a woman. if i had thought our lives were going in completely opposite directions before, this was the clincher.
maybe it's just that she's not ready to dive right back into being my friend after all this time...after i pretty much just abandoned her. maybe she needs time, and more communication, and some one-on-one time together, maybe the next time i'm in iowa. i can't say that i'd blame her, really...but that doesn't temper my disappointment, or my regret. i hope not, but...maybe it's just too late for us.
5:25 PM
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