|
|
| |
|
|
| |
i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
August 20, 2003
this is could've been your lifebefore friday nite's reunion event, sue and i met up and decided to take a stroll down memory lane main street before hitting the sunnyside tavern for our pre-reunion fortification. after checking out the (carnegie) library renovations and her dad's old law office, we stumbled upon teri's parents' antique shop, and thus, teri's parents. after chatting with them for a few minutes, teri and her family showed up, so we rounded up her brothers and hit the sunnyside. we spent awhile catching up with each other until leaving for the reunion...it was nice not to have to walk in alone, so i was glad that sue and i had planned that.
i mingled, saying hello to people, meeting their spouses, getting the rundown on their lives, and re-introducing myself to some. at one point, i was standing there talking to teri, and a stocky, middle-aged man stepped up to us, said "hi," and looked at me like i should've known who he was.
maybe it was the few beers i'd already downed, out of nervousness. maybe it was his glasses...rather large and not at all stylish. maybe it was the extra weight he now carries. maybe it was the fact that he stood so close...too close for me to really see him. maybe it that he had walked up to us all fast—so quickly that i didn't get to see him approach and didn't notice his gait, which has always been distinctive. maybe it was simply that almost 20 years have passed since we last saw each other, and...well...people change in 20 years (albeit some not as much as others).
it wasn't until i heard his deep, unmistakable voice saying something more than "hi" that i recognized d. i literally gasped. i was embarrassed, and i think he was a little hurt. but as soon as i recovered from the shock, i gave him a hug, and we started talking, while teri drifted away.
d always had this way of looking right into my eyes when he talked to me...and whether it was always true or not, it gave the impression that he was hanging on every word i said, and that he meant every word he said. it was a quality that drew me to him, and drew things out of me that i hadn't before imagined telling anyone else. i can't think of another person from that era who looked me in the eye like that when we were talking...who paid that much attention to what i said, to what i was feeling.
friday nite was no different. d told me that he had read the recent e-mails that i had sent l (his wife). perhaps prompted by my apology to her, he began his own apology, to me. he told me that he had "had feelings for [me]". he told me that, because he had never been with anyone before l, he had been afraid to commit to her...which is why he had started something up with me in the first place. and you know, it was funny. suddenly, i no longer saw him as a schmuck who had cheated on his girlfriend and broken my heart...but as a scared kid (he was only 18-21 at the time) who was trying to figure out what his own feelings were, and what to do with the fact that he really loved us both. when she forced him to choose, he chose her...both times...and that's just the way it was supposed to be.
throughout the evening, d and i had bits of conversation in between the mingling and keg-draining. when he told me that he wanted to meet s, i just looked at him...if raising one eyebrow inquisitively were in my repertoire of facial expression, that's exactly what i would have done. when i asked, "why?", he replied, "because i want to meet the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with." now, some may have found that a little creepy, but—knowing him like i did...and maybe even still do—i found it incredibly sweet. i guess that even two whole decades couldn't completely erase the friendship we once shared, before we fucked it up by taking it to that other level.
one thing that was a little creepy at one point was that d seemed more than a little interested in the fact that s and i have talked about having children; he seemed to be going down the path of wanting to, uhhh, "help us out" with that. we actually had a conversation about how it's done, how a woman can be impregnated without "physical contact." i went thru the whole artificial insemination thing (both the clinical and the much less clinical "turkey baster" methods), explaining that, if that didn't work, in vitro fertilization was sometimes an option. he was absolutely enthralled, but...i eventually steered the conversation away from that topic. anyone who is that into the concept of donating sperm to 2 women who want to have a child would NOT be the ideal donor for us...i would always, always, always worry that he would come back at some point and try to claim custody.
but when i expressed some doubt and more than a little fear about having children—explaining that i just don't want to make the same mistakes my parents made—d told me that the "me" he knew would make a terrific mom. again...the same old sweet, sincere d that i used to know.
toward the end of the nite, d and l convinced me to attend the family pool party on saturday—something i had been certain i'd want to avoid! but we'd had such a good time that i didn't want it to end...so i got up saturday, ate a huge omelette that mom fixed for me, and hit the road, treating my hangover along the way with my favorite "herbal" cure and a 24-ounce bottle of diet mountain dew. after navigating my way to their house, i took a deep breath and went out back to join everyone.
it was a trip just being there. i mean...had things happened differently at a few key junctures, years ago...had i said "yes" instead of "no, let's just be friends" when d asked me out shortly after i had moved there (remember, i only got interested in him romantically after he had become unavailable)...had he chosen me instead of l, at either of the two points when he had to choose...or even had i gotten pregnant one of the few times we slept together...THIS could have been my house!! THESE could have been my kids! THIS could have been my life!! it was all freaking me out for a second...and despite its decidedly medicinal qualities, the weed probably wasn't helping. but it was cool. it may have taken me awhile longer, if the right set of circumstances hadn't presented themselves to me just when they did...but i would have eventually figured out that i was a lesbian. of that, i'm sure.
i fell in love with their 8-year-old, a little boy with big ears that stick straight out, and lots of freckles, and 2 missing front teeth. one of those kids who will actually sit down with an adult and have a real conversation. after his mom had introduced us, he plopped down in the chair next to me and told me about the cubs (his favorite team), and his new sammy sosa jersey, and how he keeps forgetting that he's not 7 anymore, and what the family did to celebrate his birthday. i wanted to scoop him up and take him home with me.
the previous evening, our 2 cars had been the last to leave the country club parking lot, at about 2 am. after convincing d and l that i was okay to drive, that i did not need to stay at their place (ummm, NOOOOO!), and that i would, indeed, be there for the pool party the next day, we headed off in the same direction. i followed them the 14 miles to their town, where they continued on toward their home, and i veered off to the west for the remaining 10 miles to my mom's. them toward their life...me toward mine.
3:35 PM
|
|
| |
|
| |
