October 28, 2003
an in-body experiencei am sore today. yoga so kicked my ass last nite, and i'm realizing that it would be better on just about any other day of the week. on mondays, i haven't worked out since the previous thursday, and my body moans in protest afterward. yoga postures are no joke...this shit is way harder than it looks.
there's also the killer charlie-horse that i got in my right calf and quad hamstring (i'm so dumb), while attempting to jog across the busy street at a non-intersection, just to get to yoga class. i could actually feel the muscles in my leg knotting up and i had to stop, dead in the middle of the street (fortunately, there was a break in traffic). i finally managed to hobble the rest of the way across the street and into the building, but class itself may have been too much. trying to balance on that leg, or even to put any weight on it, was no fun at all. i made every attempt to heed our instructor's pleas to avoid doing anything that doesn't feel right—even if she is, and the other people in the class are—but i seem to have this need to be able to do what everyone else can do (it's a big-girl thing...you wouldn't might not understand), even if i simply can't. getting this body to do the same things that small people do quite often clearly violates the laws of physics.
nonetheless, i tried. which i think, in some ways, is good. i don't want to let myself off the hook every time, just because of my size. i want to be able to push myself sometimes, if not all the time...otherwise, how will i ever get stronger and more flexible and all the other good things that yoga promises to make you?
this was my third yoga class (of 10). i'm still not sure if this is something i can actually see myself doing on my own, on my living room floor, on my little blue rubber mat, enveloped in dreamy ambient music. maybe i'll feel differently after i've learned the postures and movements better, and have mastered the breathing (which is also much harder than it looks/sounds), and can remember which thing to do when, and whether it's on the inhale or the exhale. there's a lot to remember, and i wonder if i'll get to the point where i don't have to...the point where i just do it, almost without thinking.
the thing about yoga is that it's making me more aware of my body...both its parts, and as a whole. i'm not one to talk much about my body, or to try to draw attention to it (except maybe during those rare moments when maybe i'm feeling just a little bit cute for, like, 20 seconds). it's a subject i've always just really wanted to avoid...the very worst and most undesirable and hateful thing about me, as a person. there have been many times when i have thought, if i could make my body go away and still exist, i just might.
the weird thing is...this time, this awareness doesn't really feel like a bad thing, or something that i should push back down because it's not something i should feel, or even want to feel. and, while part of me is whining about how sore i am, another part is actually pleased by feeling the results of having done something physically strenuous, however painful. maybe a little proud, even.
wait a minute!! whose blog IS this? who am i, and what have i done with the real lisa?!?
i joke, but...i'm really not quite sure what to do with all of this.
12:40 PM
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