October 13, 2003
not about mewhile the reality of s moving out hasn't fully hit me yet—and probably won't for another few weeks—the nuances and implications have been steadily seeping into our lives and our consciousness(es).
the biggest realization is one that i must admit that i struggle with: this is not. about. me.
it's about her craving a level of independence that, at almost 31, she really hasn't ever had before. it's about her quest to become what she calls "a whole person," outside of our relationship. it's about her figuring some stuff out about herself, for herself, and by herself. it's about her desire to prove to herself that she can make it on her own, emotionally, financially, and in every other way. and it's about her belief that she can't accomplish any of this within the context of a relationship...with me or with anyone.
so, intellectually, i know that it's not about me. and because i love her...i mean, really, really love her...i want what's best for her. more than anything else, i want her to be happy. and if this is what it's going to take to accomplish that, then...well...this is what has to happen. right? i can't argue. i must be supportive. after all, this isn't just anyone...this is my heart.
but still, i struggle. because my twin demons—"fear of rejection" and "fear of abandonment"—automatically assert that it IS about me, no matter how many times i hear that it's not. no matter how many different people tell me that it's not. they say, this is happening because of something i did, or didn't do. said, or didn't say. am, or am not. because i'm just not good enough. because something is really wrong with me.
and i struggle because...i am afraid. afraid of being alone. of becoming old and bitter. of never having children (because i really can't see myself as a single parent). of losing her altogether...or actually pushing her further away, myself, because i can't handle loving her from a distance.
now, please don't go blowing up my comments section, telling me that i AM good enough. that there's nothing wrong with me. that it's not about me. that she doesn't deserve me. that i will find someone else. while the spirit of your intentions is something that i cherish in each of you, that's not what i'm looking for here (tho, don't ask me what i AM looking for, because i doubt that i could tell you...). and it wouldn't matter anyway, because the demons are always there. they have been for decades. we know each other well. we are thisclose. i acknowledge that this time spent apart may well be something that i need as much as she does. and i'm trying to get my act together, trying to prepare, trying to think about things i need to work on, myself. some of those are already well underway. i'm working out 4 times a week, and really pushing myself. i'm eating differently, and i've lost 18 20 pounds in the last 10 weeks. i'm starting a (free) hatha yoga class tonite, to see if i like it. i'm trying to think of ways to corral my skills, to bring in the extra money that i already know i will need, living on my own.
this is a journey. while it's not one i would have chosen to take, i'm trying to be open to what it may bring to my life. and trying to see it (as lynne pointed out) not as an end, but as a beginning...maybe even the beginning of a new, stronger "us".
but it's hard.
2:45 PM
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