October 29, 2003
sanctuaryjust wanna be happy
and thankful.
not just try to get through.
....
ease my sadness.
you’re all i need.
i lay my burden down.
—"thankful," méshell ndegéocello sherri told me, not too long ago, that she worries about me. because i tend to take on the troubles and the hurt and the weight of the world, and—since i'm agnostic—i don't have a [spiritual] place to lay them down.
funny thing is, before she said that? i don't think i ever really considered that i might need a place to lay those burdens down. i guess i've always figured that it was my responsibility to carry them myself. as just one example...when a child dies in the crossfire of warring drug dealers, it's partly because my money (albeit very, very little of it) has helped to feed a system that enables that to happen. i have made that choice, so i bear that responsibility. it's that simple. so, that...combined with this hyper-empathy thing i've got going on...there are times when, even tho things in my own life are going well, i'm just sad. shit hurts. even tho it might be happening to other people, and not me.
i'm realizing something. that my relationships have been my shelter from that pain. and from the hurt that i feel for all the other reasons...my dysfunctional family dynamic, the ongoing drama with my sister, the loss of my brother, and everything else. it's a bit of a "well, duh?!"-kind-of moment...but i'm realizing that loving someone, feeling enveloped by her love, and building our life together, have not only brought me happiness, but have eased my sadness. the sadness of living in a really screwed-up world. i may not have literally laid my burdens down at her feet, at least not intentionally...but love has been what i've looked to for stability.
love has been my sanctuary.
it's not like i need to be in a relationship. that i can't function if i'm single. i can. i have.
it's also not like i'm incapable of finding joy in life, on my own. i can. i have. i do. (tho admittedly, i'm a lot less sure about finding long-term happiness without a partner to share it with.)
it's just that, as long as i can remember...i haven't wanted to. and i don't want to, now. in addition to everything about s that i love and don't want to lose, i am terrified of losing my refuge.
part of me thinks that this smacks of codependency and overall emotional unhealth.
and part of me thinks that it's what perfectly normal people do.
1:24 PM
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