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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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November 06, 2003
5 years, 6 months, & 8 daysi didn't want to go straight home last nite, nor did i feel like working out...so i ran some errands, bought hideously fat- and carb-laden brach's malted milk balls (try them and you'll never eat another whopper), and went to see matchstick men at the dollar theater. it was all right...a little long. i'm not a big nic cage fan, really, but i thought alison lohman was great. i had just seen her in white oleander over the weekend (did anyone else notice that her eyebrows changed color from scene to scene? stuff like that really annoys me...), but i thought she was much better this time around.
i cried all the way home. i'm all, sobbing at the stoplights. i couldn't even listen to my life's soundtrack, because i knew that would only make it worse. and i hate the radio (for the most part), so i drove in silence. and in dread. finally, i was home...the porch light was on (which was weird). i went inside and was greeted by the cats, as usual.
downstairs, things didn't look too different...she hadn't taken her cds, dvds, books...or her guitar (a birthday gift from me a couple of years ago). but upstairs was what i really dreaded, anyway. after feeding my ravenous felines and checking my messages (2 from sandra, one from niq), i called my mom, and then my dad; they had each left messages for me in the last couple of days, which i hadn't yet returned...and i figured i should probably give them the news, anyway. i had been dreading this; they just met sandra a little over a year ago, and i was afraid they would not really understand, and think badly of her. but they were understanding. and supportive. mom, more so than dad...but i think that's only because he has such difficulty talking about anything emotional (it's "how he was raised," he says). they both expressed hope that we would get back together eventually...which, if you knew how far they've come since i came out to them back in the late '80s, would impress you.
then, i called sandra. i just wanted to hear her voice. and to make sure she was all right. she sounded sad...like me...but okay. she told me a little bit about her apartment (a second-floor, one-bedroom flat), the neighbor she had met, and the new-apartment bargains (iron and ironing board, pots-and-pans-with-utensils set, swiffer wet-jet) she'd found at walmart. it was so strange to say "good nite" to her over the phone, knowing that she wasn't 100 or 500 or 1,000 miles away, but only a few.
finally, sometime around midnite, i went upstairs. "our" room actually didn't look very different...just the absence of the tv and the dvd player gave away the changes (she hadn't yet taken the beautifully framed bernard stanley hoyes print i'd given her for our 5th anniversary). vast changes in the spare room, tho. no futon, no nightstands. half the "wall of shoes" now empty. opening up drawers and the closet, i found a lot of new space.
by this time, it was going on 1 a.m....i knew i had to get to sleep. it was strange not to have a television in the room, and to know that i couldn't fall asleep to the smooth r&b channel on music choice, as we have for years. i got into my pajamas and into bed, ate hideously fat-laden dry roasted peanuts (excepting a granola bar and the aforementioned malted milk balls, all i'd had to eat in over 24 hours), listened to depressing news about the world on npr, and browsed thru a harry & david catalog for potential x-mas gifts. finally, i turned out the light, grabbed my big stuffed black bear (a "just because" gift from sandra), and closed my eyes. sleep came sooner than i had thought it would.
rather than do without 2 small conveniences now gone from the house—and be constantly and painfully reminded of how my life has changed this week—today, i spent charged $250 (minus a $5.50 "price match guarantee" refund and a $5.00 (r)ebate) for a new 19" tv/dvd combo and a cordless phone with caller id (essential for efficient call screening), and will go tonite to pick them up at sears. i'm not really supposed to be spending money right now, but at least i didn't splurge on either the 24" or 27" sony tv that i really wanted.
and besides...a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
3:20 PM
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