November 05, 2003
"s" is for...or, a house is not a home (thanks, luther.)
for our entire relationship, s always traveled a lot more than i did, visiting various friends and family in different places across the country. her absences always felt really strange to me; the house was just "empty" without her in it. it was literally years into our relationship before i could drop her off at the airport without driving away in tears. even tho i had usually made plans to get together with neglected friends while she was gone, and it wasn't that i was just going to be sitting around moping until she got back, i hated the thought of missing her as much as i did...of feeling the void that she left, when she was gone. my imagination would run wild with thoughts of how horrible it would be if i somehow lost her. wondering if and how i would cope if something terrible happened. or if, for some reason, we simply ended up not being together.
and then...it would be time for her to come home. i'd pick her up from the airport, and we'd go to dinner at one of our favorite haunts, and go home. to our home. which always felt warm and full of love when we were there together. (i swear i'm not making that up, or using a string of dumb clichés...it's really always felt that way.)
tonite, i will go home to a house that is no longer her home. she told me last nite that it was, indeed, happening today (despite issues at work that she thought might prevent her from taking today off). we cried a lot...hugged a lot...watched law and order: svu...and i went to bed alone, while she sorted things and started packing, having promised to snuggle up to me when she came to bed (in that way that we do). this morning before work, we negotiated the division of clothing and, after her 9 a.m. meeting, she was headed back home to pack up and wait for the movers.
i am not with her. but my heart is.
oh, and in case you've ever wondered..."s" is for sandra.
4:15 PM
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