January 02, 2004
blueso, no...i haven't been blogging. and it's been on purpose. i've been busy, but not that busy. i've just been...sad. parts of the whole holiday scene were enjoyable, but more parts were not. even with 2 jobs, i've just had WAY too much "alone time." it hasn't been pretty. in fact, it's been downright pathetic. but...it's my blog, and i'll whine if i want to (whine if i want to, whine if i want to...).
(if you stop reading right here, i promise i won't hold it against you.)
i don't want to be this sad, pathetic person. but i don't know what it's going to take to pull myself out of it. sure, i evade it for awhile by doing things that i like to do. spending time with enjoyable people. laughing when something is funny. playing with kala and harper lee. watching a lot of movies, and escaping into those worlds for a time. but escapism is only temporary. then it's back to being blue.
i know it's supposed to be okay to allow myself to feel the way i feel...but at the same time, i know this can't go on forever. i'm going have to figure out how to be happy on my own. but that just seems impossible. i cannot imagine real happiness without her...having experienced it with her.
i know, i know...it could be worse. a lot worse. i'm lucky that we even met (given the odds, geographic and otherwise, against it). i'm grateful that we've had the time together that we've had. that she has no interest in erasing me from her life. that we still spend quite a bit of time together. that there's even a possibility of reconciliation, sometime down the road. but...being thankful and being happy are not the same thing.
i want to be both.
10:48 AM
|
|
