March 28, 2004
pathetic & stupidi haven't blogged in weeks...but here i am, at 1 a.m. on a saturday (or rather, sunday), blogging to keep myself from smoking a bowl and driving down to the club. where bad music is most certainly being played and where i most certainly have nothing to gain.
earlier tonite, i joined a friend, her new girlfriend, and her friend for drinks and then a local benefit production of the vagina monologues. it was surprisingly good, and a woman i used to date was a cast member. actually, we dated on two previous occasions...probably for a month about 13 years ago, and again for a couple of weeks about 7 years ago. basic incompatibility issues prevented us from ever being more than "dating," but i have always been drawn to her. she's a scorpio...and she's a black woman. historically, that combination gets me every time. but she also happens to be attractive. and smart. and talented. (and, as i recall, a really good kisser.)
so, after the show, we head over to the post-show reception at a nearby bar. i find myself watching the door, waiting for her to show up. what's that about? remember...i'm SO not dating. SO not even looking. i'm in love with someone. you know the story.
but she does show up, just as we're ready to leave. it's crowded...people are congratulating her...i don't know if she sees me or not. she makes her way to the back of the room and i lose sight of her. and then my companions are ready to move on to the next destination, so we leave.
a few hours later, i'm on my way home. debating whether or not to a) drive directly to the club and see if she's there; b) stop at home, smoke a bowl, and go to the club to see if she's there; c) go home and stay home.
this is ridiculous. what do i expect to gain?? worst case scenario, she's not there, i talk to no one (i haven't been out to this place in literally years...i'm sure i no longer know anyone who goes there), i spend money on drinks that i really don't need, or even want...and then i go home, feeling even more lonely than before. best case scenario, she's there...we talk...she flirts (which she has always done with me)...i flirt back...maybe we even kiss...and then i go home, feeling guilty and stupid and lonely and confused. how "best case scenario" is that??
you know why i wanted to run into her tonite? why i wanted to see her? because she pays attention to me (or at least, she has in the past). she says flirtatious, complimentary things. she makes me feel desirable. she makes me feel sexy. which is something i haven't felt in a very, very long time. i mean, c'mon...i lose 30 pounds, i'm feeling pretty good about myself...and my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years moves out. needs her space. leaves me with more space than i've ever wanted or needed.
oh, yeah...and did i mention the physical traits shared by this woman and sandra? short stature. glasses. chocolate skin. locs.
i am, like...so. fucking. pathetic.
1:07 AM
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