May 24, 2004
adding the "up"i finally did it.
it had been an eventful weekend. (and, if i were as dedicated to blogging as i wish i were, i would've blogged more about it before more than 2 weeks had gone by. ahhh, c'est la vie.) that friday, i had run into the oomo (i.e., object of my obsession) and i'd had my little escapade with the artist. maybe i was full of myself. maybe i was feeling confident. i don't know why, but i did it. it had been coming for awhile...in fact, ever since i spotted the oomo in that recent production of the vagina monologues.
i had already tried to do it twice, in person, and couldn't get the words out either time. just panicked and backed off. it was too difficult, face-to-face. to look into those deep brown eyes that i have loved for so, so long, and say those words. yeah, so i'm a punk. i just couldn't do it.
so finally, one sunny sunday afternoon, i picked up the phone and called her. i told her that i couldn't stay "in limbo" any longer. that i felt like i had put my life on hold, and--while that had been my choice, and not her request--i couldn't do it anymore. that's not to say we couldn't ever get back together...just that i can't sit around waiting while she decides what she wants. i didn't get what i want, so...i guess it's time to find something else to want. so, in effect...i added the "up" to the "break" that we had been on for the last 6 months.
she said, "okay." that she missed me, but that she also "kind-of like[s]" where she is right now.
it was a brief conversation. it made me very sad. and i could tell she was crying, too. but i have to admit...i felt some relief. i felt a little more free. i have no idea where that freedom will take me. i don't even think i want to know.
i feel like i'm living a parallel life...or the life of someone else, entirely. it doesn't feel quite right. but it doesn't feel all wrong, either.
9:10 PM
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