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"No one's striving to be Miles Davis. Everybody's striving to get paid. And, you know, I wanna be like Miles Davis."
~Meshell Ndegeocello


order dance of the infidel

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reading...
life on the color line: the true story of a white boy who discovered he was black by gregory howard williams

recently finished...
anagrams by lorrie moore

the dew breaker by edwidge danticat
(thanks, deshi!)

the mysteries of pittsburgh by michael chabon

she's not there: a life in two genders by jennifer finney boylan

venture...
all about george
anziblog
bgb.com
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btrfly_locs
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ej flavors
kevin.daily
lynne d johnson
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NegroPlease
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prime time
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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...

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Who Links Here


an esoteric soul
 
February 09, 2005  
remembrance of things past
(props to will shakespeare & marcel proust)

i’m thinking, now, that the very act of putting a new vibe
out into the universe is automatically “shakin’ shit up in the ‘05.” no time wasted here!

while checking my e-mail one morning a coupla weeks ago, i discovered a message from someone from my past. someone with whom i was once in love...someone with whom i had a kinda-sorta off-and-on (mostly off) thing for about 2 years, but with whom i’ve had almost no contact in nearly 13. someone who not only broke my heart, but whose subsequent and utter carelessness with my feelings had me feeling like it'd been ripped it out of my chest, flung to the ground, and stomped to bloody shreds (tho i eventually came to realize that i’d completely set myself up for that very thing).

now? after all this time? she wants my forgiveness. she wants to “know [me] again.” and for me to know her.

it so happens that i’d had literally no sleep the night before discovering this e-mail, which may have contributed to the wide range of things that i felt upon reading it. feelings like:

* surprise: why is she contacting me now, after all these years?
* shock: i’ve googled myself, and my blog doesn’t come up. how the hell did she even find me?
* irritation: the nerve that she even tried! that she is asking for anything from me!
* nostalgia: we did have some good times together....
* a little residual sadness: how could i have thought i’d found my soul mate, only to have it end how it did?
* self-forgiveness: but i was young. and naive. and stupid.
* self-satisfaction: see? i knew she’d regret breaking my heart one day.
* uncertainty: do i respond? if so, what is there to say?
* apathy: do i even care?? it was all so long ago. and it's so far outside my circle of priorities right now.

i haven’t responded...haven’t really decided whether or not i even will. tho i’m guessing she’ll be reading this not long after i’ve posted it
(ohhhh, the wonder that is the IP address...).

an interesting few weeks, indeed.

4:27 PM

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