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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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February 09, 2005
remembrance of things past
(props to will shakespeare & marcel proust)
i’m thinking, now, that the very act of putting a new vibe out into the universe is automatically “shakin’ shit up in the ‘05.” no time wasted here!
while checking my e-mail one morning a coupla weeks ago, i discovered a message from someone from my past. someone with whom i was once in love...someone with whom i had a kinda-sorta off-and-on (mostly off) thing for about 2 years, but with whom i’ve had almost no contact in nearly 13. someone who not only broke my heart, but whose subsequent and utter carelessness with my feelings had me feeling like it'd been ripped it out of my chest, flung to the ground, and stomped to bloody shreds (tho i eventually came to realize that i’d completely set myself up for that very thing).
now? after all this time? she wants my forgiveness. she wants to “know [me] again.” and for me to know her.
it so happens that i’d had literally no sleep the night before discovering this e-mail, which may have contributed to the wide range of things that i felt upon reading it. feelings like:
* surprise: why is she contacting me now, after all these years?
* shock: i’ve googled myself, and my blog doesn’t come up. how the hell did she even find me?
* irritation: the nerve that she even tried! that she is asking for anything from me!
* nostalgia: we did have some good times together....
* a little residual sadness: how could i have thought i’d found my soul mate, only to have it end how it did?
* self-forgiveness: but i was young. and naive. and stupid.
* self-satisfaction: see? i knew she’d regret breaking my heart one day.
* uncertainty: do i respond? if so, what is there to say?
* apathy: do i even care?? it was all so long ago. and it's so far outside my circle of priorities right now.
i haven’t responded...haven’t really decided whether or not i even will. tho i’m guessing she’ll be reading this not long after i’ve posted it (ohhhh, the wonder that is the IP address...).
an interesting few weeks, indeed.
4:27 PM
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