May 24, 2005
disappointed
so. i broke things off with v last week. just a few days shy of what would have been 4 months. this is just the second time, ever, that i’ve broken up with someone (the first being just last fall).
it had been coming for awhile...since not long after i had returned from my trip to london and amsterdam. there was a series of 3 events--the second of which happened the very day after i got back--during which her behavior really bothered me...it just wasn’t what i want to see from the person with whom i’m involved (for various reasons, upon which i won’t elaborate). but then there were other things too, that i just couldn’t seem to get over. seemingly small, insignificant things...but when taken together, they added up to bigger things. it took me weeks to get to a place where i knew that breaking up was the right thing to do. i talked to her the day that it crystallized for me...last thursday.
but it wasn’t soon enough. she feels betrayed, and that i lied to her...which, essentially, is true. i allowed her to think that everything was "okay" between us, when it wasn’t. deep down, i think she knew that it wasn’t...but i told her it was, and she believed me. i tried to explain that i talked to her as soon as i could...as soon as i was emotionally able to do it...but it was still too late.
i love her, and i feel terrible for hurting her.
and i miss her. her presence in my house. her sweet, romantic gestures, like flowers for no reason, or the fabulous meals she’d prepare. other little things she’d do for me, like bringing in the mail and wheeling the garbage can back to its place on trash day. the way that she’d come home from work, look at harper lee (my beloved 13-year-old cat, whom she loves), and say, "i thought about you all day." her deep, deep brown eyes...and the way they lit up when she looked at me. her caramel skin. her full, pink, freckled lips. her high, cherokee cheekbones. the line of her collarbone. her perfect breasts. her flat, smooth belly. her long arms and strong hands. the curve of her ass....
we connected in so many ways. intellectually. emotionally. physically. i marveled at the fact that sometimes, we actually talked about books during sex.
it struck me that, when you break up with somone, you mourn not just what you’ve lost, but what you had thought you could have in the future. when things were great between us, and i was so happy, i had big, elaborate dreams of our life together. with a couple of kids and a house filled with love. there was a time when i thought..."she’s the one."
now, my sadness and my disappointment are written all over my face...i am transparent. having told only a few people at work about this relationship (for various reasons), i can’t really even explain that i’m going thru a breakup. i am intentionally vague.
this just sucks.
5:00 PM
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