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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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October 25, 2002
"...quentin got cable...and a big-screen tv..."check out my grrl meshell on yesterday's edition of morning becomes eclectic, a show on kcrw, one of the dopest public radio stations on the planet. not only can you hear her (and the band) do songs like "earth" and "faithful" (from 1999's bitter), "god.fear.money" (from cookie), and the as-yet unreleased "quentin mack" and "fellowship"...you can see her doing them, via the magic that is real one (formerly known as realplayer)...and watch her answer thoughtful questions from host nic harcourt.
or, you can download the mp3 from matthew. :)
november 3rd? do come quickly. *grin*
3:32 PM
October 23, 2002
back in the dayWhen I met you,
I had no idea how much my life
was about to be changed...
but then, how could I have known?
A love like ours happens
once in a lifetime.
You were a miracle to me,
the one who was everything
I had ever dreamed of,
the one I thought existed
only in my imagination.
And when you came
into my life, I realized that
what I had always thought
was happiness
couldn't compare to the joy
loving you brought me.
You are a part of everything
I think and do and feel,
and with you by my side,
I believe that anything
is possible.
Thank you
for the miracle of you...
you are,
and always will be,
the love
of my life. i've never been a fan of commercial greeting card sentiments...i usually just buy cool blank cards and write my own message...but i'm not sure that i could have expressed this any better than linda lee elrod did for hallmark.
5 years ago this month, s and i met. at first, she seemed like just another person frequenting a particular chat room i'd recently stumbled into, as the result of a web search for "black lesbians." why was i searching for chat rooms for black lesbians, you may ask? well, i was fresh out of a 4-year relationship with a black woman, and i was lonely. i knew that our break-up was the best thing for both of us (particularly her...there were things she needed to do for herself that she couldn't accomplish by staying with me)...but even so, it was the most difficult experience i'd ever gone through. letting go of someone you love is hard, y'all. if you've done it, you know this.
i was trying very hard to keep myself busy...to escape not just the loneliness, but the fear i had of being alone forever. i took a graduate women's studies course (for the first time since finishing my m.a. in '89...incidentally, it was a course on feminism and black political thought). i rescued a sick kitten and spent more than a year trying to nurse it back to health. i started seeing my therapist regularly, and actually doing the "homework" she assigned. but yeah, i was lonely. and...i've never been good at explaining this, but...i felt lonely in a particular way...lonely for the company of a black woman. i know, it sounds kinda crazy (or maybe not...). but that's how i felt. and a quick mental inventory of the friends i spent a lot of time with revealed that most of them were white gay men...besides my ex and another woman i'd dated briefly a few years back, the black women i knew were pretty much either acquaintances, or friends from college living hundreds of miles away, or people i'd lost touch with. hence the web search. and hence my discovery of the (now defunct) "aal" (african american lesbian) room on (the now defunct) wbs. i wasn't looking for love, cybersex, or even flirtation...which seem to be the things that people tend to think you're looking for when you reveal that you're frequenting chat rooms. i just wanted people...namely black lesbian people...to talk to. was that so bad?
i met some really amazing people in that room, a few of whom i still consider friends today. (i also met some losers, some users, a whole lotta playas, and many other, uhhhh, "undesirables"...but that was to be expected, and still is in pretty much any chat environment.) significantly, we actually had interesting and often in-depth conversations in that room, about politics and music and racism and homophobia, and a host of other topics. people posted their poetry and others responded thoughtfully. newly "out" lesbians sometimes posted their experiences and questions and dilemmas, and women who had been "in the life" for awhile tried to shed some light. i've never seen anything like it, in any chat room i've visted since. i miss that. (this blog community is the closest thing i've found to it.)
but the most amazing thing was that i started to look forward to seeing a particular person in that room...she was "snoodles101" *chucklin'*. i found myself feeling really disappointed when she wasn't there...and all exhilarated and things when she was. *laughing* we started e-mailing each other, in addition to our almost daily chats...and by february, i was crushing, hard. after much deliberation, i asked for her phone number. we started talking. and talking. and talking. phone bills spiraled out of control (and were still being paid back by the time she had moved here). i mean, we used to watch abl games together over the phone!
i guess everything just progressed from there. it wasn't long after that i knew what i felt was serious. i was falling in love...and i was scared outta my mind. i had no idea how this could possibly work...she was 1,600 miles away, in a part of the country i'd never even seen. it seemed impossible. even if she was diggin' me too (which she was, but—the great big ball of insecurity that is me—i sometimes doubted it), how could we ever be together??
somehow, it happened. we happened. after we finally met in person, i knew this was it...i knew that she was the woman i wanted to spend my life with. pretty much everyone i knew in the "real" world thought i'd lost my freakin' mind. ummmm, let's just say that they don't think that anymore. :)
and that hallmark card? the one with those words that (to my surprise) expressed my sentiments so perfectly? i was the recipient...a few weeks ago...out of the blue...for no special reason. *grin*
11:49 AM
October 17, 2002
drag the people along...in a recent letter to the editor of newsweek, w.e. willingham of boone, north carolina, quotes hermann göring, hitler's second in command:"Naturally the common people don't want war....But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament or a communist dictatorship....All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." sound familiar, anyone?
1:53 PM
October 15, 2002
fallin'i love this time of year. the "nip" in the air. wearing long sleeves and sweaters and corduroys. sporting socks and shoes instead of sandals. i'm not even sad about covering up my tattoo.
a harbinger of my last 8 or 9 autumns, dart season started last wednesday. while it was hard to believe that it's that time again already—and while we failed to win even one of our 7 games on opening night (yeah, well...at least we had fun!)—i'm actually glad. it's the only "sport" i've ever been halfway good at (well, except for archery in high school gym class...so what is it with me and launching pointy projectiles at concentrically-circled targets??). it gets me out of the house (and gives s a regular 3-hour break from me) on wednesday evenings from october through april. i get to drink beer (this for them and one of these for me) with some of my favorite boys on a regular basis (unlike our summer gatherings, which are sporadic at best). and i really do love the game, even if we're not consistent enough to win as much as we'd like to. other teams love to play us because we don't take it too seriously...it's really all about having fun, anyway. tho it is a little easier to have fun when we're winning.
(speaking of my favorite boys, i was excited to learn (even if i was the last to know) that j and his former co-worker from the great indoors are starting their own countertop business in the short north. it's called counter culture...can you stand it?? i'm so proud...i couldn't have named it better myself.)
on friday, s and i (re-)started "the dancing"—our third round of ballroom dance lessons at the jimmy rawlins dance studios. these particular friday-night sessions are targeted specifically toward the lesbian community...just imagine 20-30 lesbian couples, varying wildly in terms of age, coordination, talent, and speed in learning new steps. it's hysterical! (oh, what i would have given for a video camera during those first few sessions....) but very fun. we've learned basic steps for and a number of variations (i.e., "the fancy stuff") of the waltz, the fox trot, the swing, the cha cha, the mambo, and the tango...plus the ubiquitous electric slide, a studio-choreographed line dance for "mambo no. 5", and probably some steps i'm forgetting. it's a blast...so much so, in fact, that we ignore the fact that s is usually the only woman of color in the place and just enjoy the dancing. and—at $90/couple for 5 lessons plus a "dance party" at the end, combining students from both the beginners' and the intermediate/advanced classes, and to which we all bring "a dish to share"—it's cheaper than the movies and a lot better exercise.
on saturday, s worked her department's pre-game "tailgate" event and then went with sherri, niq, and the kids to the game, which i watched on television from the comfort of our living room. i'm not really into football, but it's hard not to get caught up in all the hoopla here—a big-ten school where football has long reigned supreme. it also doesn't hurt that the team boasts a national ranking of #4 and a freshman sensation who's already made history by being the first freshman to start at his position, and whose name keeps coming up in talk about the coveted heisman trophy.
sunday, while s went to the movies with a friend, i took a walk (on this most beauteous of days...60-ish and sunny is so me) down to byzantium and spent almost 2 hours browsing. they have the sweetest little buddha kitties (at least one of which i think i might need to procure at some point), as well as their not-so-little counterparts. and i think i might get into beading again...only this time using a lot of leather cord with sterling silver beads, charms, and findings. i bought a few lovelies, and found some bargain-priced 1mm leather cord on e-bay yesterday (byzantium doesn't sell leather)...so, as soon as that arrives, i can get rolling. i have some fabulous designs in my head...now if i can just produce them with a quality that matches what's in my mind's eye....
also with fall comes the anticipation of...what, what?? BASKETBALL. we can hardly wait! we have season tickets for the home games, as well as plans to travel in november to pittsburgh for the duquesne game and to boulder for the coors classic tournament. we're literally counting the days until the first game on november 6. to tide us over, we're going to see the cavs play the raptors in an exhibition game at the schott tonite. if vince carter doesn't play? oooooohhh, perish the thought.
3:54 PM
October 09, 2002
shadrach, meshach, & a billy goatfor some reason, i find a lot of humor in the way that people mess up certain words, phrases, and even song lyrics. s told me the other day that she had reached adulthood before she learned that the bible story and gospel song were about shadrach, meshach, and abendigo. *grin* a few other examples:* if i wasn't yet an adult, i was nearly so when i learned that "wind chill factor" wasn't windshield factor...i.e., the temperature of the wind when it hits the windshield of your car.
* jumping into a recent conversation about foods that poor parents fed their kids back in the day, a woman calling into a local radio station talked about syrup sandwiches being a delicatessen (and as if it weren't bad enough the first time, she repeated it).
* when i was in grad school and teaching freshman composition, a student once left a note in my mailbox saying that he'd turn in his paper the next day by putting it in a vanilla envelope and sliding it under my office door. (i'm sure he was disappointed that the gummed flap didn't taste better....)
* another freshman comp student delighted in using the phrase, "for all intensive purposes."
* i once heard a woman mention that she was getting her hair cornrolled that night. now, i know i can't speak with any authority on the subject, but somehow i never thought "rolls" were a part of this hairstyle.
* whenever i hear "you don't have to call," i swear usher is saying something about "ninja friends." (turns out the line is something about "instead'a listenin' to friends." ummm, okay....)
* there's some new(er) song out right now (the title and artist escape me) with a line about "the happy song i sing." until we talked about it, s thought it was "the hairpiece on i sing." feel free to add to this list. :)
3:48 PM
October 01, 2002
independent womana recent post by prime—and a response from j—have got me thinking about independence and self-reliance. prime asks: "Is it realistic to think that we are capable of living our lives without relying on those around us for some level of support?" my parents never really stressed independence and self-reliance overtly, but i learned these things just by observing them...especially my mother—who did the single-mom-with-2-kids thing twice (after husband #1, with my older sibs; and after husband #2, with my sister and me). i think independence and self-reliance are hugely important. i feel strongly about being able to handle my own business, and not having to depend on anyone for most of what i need to accomplish. i admire these traits in other people and sometimes am annoyed when others don't possess (or practice) them. maybe it's another thing entirely, but i keep thinking of the time my mother—who, at 70, has retained her self-sufficiency for the most part, but has lost at least some ability to make a damned decision—tried to get me to decide for her WHICH living room furniture she should purchase, when a) we live 600+ miles and 3 states apart; b) our tastes in decor are almost opposite, they're so different; and c) she didn't even offer visual aids! how the hell was i supposed to know what she should do? why did she seem so absolutely incapable of determining this herself?
like j, i don't want to be a burden to other people, and i suppose that i feel at least some sense of pride that i can handle things on my own, without asking for help. but does that make me arrogant? i'm not sure.
on the flip side, i don't necessarily want to handle absolutely everything on my own...emotionally or otherwise. i spent many years being single—high school (when everyone else was at least dating) through age 28, with only a few exceptions, all but one of them short-term—not really having anyone on whom i could rely for the level of emotional support that comes with being partnered (or at least, i think, should come with being partnered). now that i'm in a loving and stable and long-term relationship, i don't ever wanna go back! what i once wanted—but was capable of handling on my own—has become what i actually need. and while that's a little bit scary to admit, it's really okay. i like knowing that someone has my back...that she'll do anything in her power to help me if i need it. sometimes she actually has to remind me that she's there for me...even after 4 1/2 years together, i'm still used to doing a lot of things for myself.
i've seen independent people really struggle when something happens (e.g., an illness) that actually requires them to learn to ask others for help. for example, when my dad lost his driver's license due to macular degeneration, he had a very hard time beginning to ask his friends to drive him places that he couldn't walk to (in a small town with no public transportation). and my colleague, vince, is going through something similar (albeit temporary) as he recovers from major back surgery. these situations are obviously different—there are times when we all need to rely upon other people. in fact, i've gotten impatient with people who struggle to ask for help when they truly need it...but i should probably start knocking on wood, because that will be me at some point...whether sooner or later, permanently or temporarily.
i guess it's all really a matter of (as with a whole lotta things in life) BALANCE. handle your business, but don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it...or even sometimes when you don't.
5:11 PM
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