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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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November 21, 2002
yeah, i'm here.there seem to be a lot of people with little or no time for blogging these days...and i'm one of 'em. like everyone else, i just have other things going on right now. work has been maddddd busy. i have $85 million+ worth of proposals to write/edit/design by mid-december. and i'm working WAY harder than i want to right now, just to stay afloat. i ask you: how's a grrl s'posed to x-mas shop amidst all this madness?? i don't usually catch much of the "holiday spirit" that everyone's always going on and on about this time of year, but choosing the perfect gift(s) for my loved ones makes me really, really happy. and i've not had much time for it, damn it.
i've also been dealing with a sick cat: my 10 1/2 year-old harper lee. with the exception of chronic hairball issues (which are gross, but not life-threatening), he has always been healthy. but in the last 3 weeks, he's been diagnosed with:1) a hyperactive thyroid...treated with a pill a day for the rest of his life. (sidebar: have you ever "pilled" a cat? it can be tricky.)
2) a heart murmur...which may disappear once his metabolism is under control...which the thyroid meds should do.
3) gasteroenteritis. after responding wonderfully to the thyroid medication, he suddenly just stopped eating (not even treats), lost a pound in 2 weeks (he's down to only 7.5!), was vomiting a lot, and had to be hospitalized for 3 days for dehydration. now he's on more medication (drops), special food, and seems to be doing better. *knocking on wood, crossing all digits* while expensive ($365 and counting), the worst part of it all for me has been the stress. with the exception of harper lee (and now 2 1/2 year-old kala), i haven't had the best history with cats and their health. in the last 14 years, i've lost three—chelsea, nikko, and scout—to various dreadful ailments. so even a trip to the vet evokes near-panic attacks (in me...totally separate from what it evokes in the cat), and an (almost, but not quite) irrational fear that i'm about to lose another.
you have to understand...harper lee? he's my cat...and all that. he and i, we've been thru some thangs. 3 break-ups (he was a gift to me following the first of those). 2 grrlfriends. 4 apartments. the drama with (and subsequent loss of) nikko and scout. at the risk of sounding like the "crazy cat lady" with 37 cats down the street...he has been my confidante when there was no one else around to fill that role. losing him would fuck me up. i know it'll happen eventually...but hey, i know people with 22 year-old cats, so he might only be middle-aged....
anyway...like i said, i've got other things to do. in addition to the above, basketball season has started (we're driving to pittsburgh for the duquesne game tomorrow nite, and flying to denver for a tournament in boulder next week), and i am managing to get a little shopping done. but don't worry...i'll be back eventually. meanwhile, hit me up via e-mail if you are so inclined. and thanks to those of you who already have, for your concern. luh ya. :)
4:56 PM
November 05, 2002
a skeleton's birthdayin addition to being voting day, my nephew's 11th birthday, and s's nephew's 10th birthday, today marks an entire year since the revelation. about my sister and our, ummmm, parentage. as revelations often do, this one changed my life irreversibly.
emotionally, i have been thru a lot in the last year...DRAMA. a lot of anger. loads of hurt. some guilt. a loss of trust (and more anger). reconciliation. misunderstanding and the whole maid-of-honor debacle. more frustration than i think i've ever experienced (at least outside of work). fear. and a little relief.
where am i today with all of this? well, my mom and i seem to have repaired most of the damage to our relationship. my sister still hasn't told dad that she knows...which continues to strain my relationship with him, because i can't talk to him about the whole mess. and while it was all about the pleasantries (baby) during her wedding weekend, my sister and i basically have no relationship. i have struggled to forget the way that she so deliberately and unapologetically hurt me, and to forgive her for it. in the absence of genuine forgiveness, i have tried to at least act like i forgive her—hence the wedding weekend pleasantries...hence the thoughtful, carefully chosen gifts for her birthday and wedding...hence my very real wish for her happiness.
her response? none, to speak of. yes, she was pleasant enough during the wedding weekend (in a very "lukewarm" sort-of way). yes, s and i got the brief e-mails thanking us for our (birthday and wedding) gifts. and i got the group e-mail announcing their new home address and phone info. but she hasn't answered my e-mails—cheerful notes about what's going on with us, what's on dad's x-mas list, inquiring what's up with them—nor has she sent a personal note of her own. i know she's got a lot going on (a new marriage, a new house, and ongoing post-enron drama). even so, it doesn't feel good to be relegated to the very bottom of the list of what (and WHO) is important in her life.
that makes me indescribably sad. after the revelation, up until the maid-of-honor debacle, i had really believed that our relationship was growing, deepening. that we understood each other better. that we were in a good place. but now...it's worse than ever. we're not even speaking.
why don't i pick up the phone and call her, you ask? if you'd witnessed our last two phone conversations, you might understand why. it was like talking to a hysterical, irrational, and completely-unwilling-to-give-an-inch brick wall. nothing i said could convince her that she'd misunderstood me. that i would never, ever feel toward her how she'd accused me of feeling. that the very bottom-est of the bottom lines was that she's my sister and i love her, whether we have the same fathers or not. that i don't resent her as she thinks i do. what kinda person would i be if i did??
so here i am, a whole year later. time fucking flies. so much has changed. so much has been damaged, seemingly irreparably. there is so much good in my life...and so much that breaks my heart.
1:34 PM
November 01, 2002
with lyrics like "her life was stole" and "he never fitted in," how does she expect to garner support—and sell records—among the grammar-conscious??
1:51 PM
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