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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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November 05, 2002
a skeleton's birthdayin addition to being voting day, my nephew's 11th birthday, and s's nephew's 10th birthday, today marks an entire year since the revelation. about my sister and our, ummmm, parentage. as revelations often do, this one changed my life irreversibly.
emotionally, i have been thru a lot in the last year...DRAMA. a lot of anger. loads of hurt. some guilt. a loss of trust (and more anger). reconciliation. misunderstanding and the whole maid-of-honor debacle. more frustration than i think i've ever experienced (at least outside of work). fear. and a little relief.
where am i today with all of this? well, my mom and i seem to have repaired most of the damage to our relationship. my sister still hasn't told dad that she knows...which continues to strain my relationship with him, because i can't talk to him about the whole mess. and while it was all about the pleasantries (baby) during her wedding weekend, my sister and i basically have no relationship. i have struggled to forget the way that she so deliberately and unapologetically hurt me, and to forgive her for it. in the absence of genuine forgiveness, i have tried to at least act like i forgive her—hence the wedding weekend pleasantries...hence the thoughtful, carefully chosen gifts for her birthday and wedding...hence my very real wish for her happiness.
her response? none, to speak of. yes, she was pleasant enough during the wedding weekend (in a very "lukewarm" sort-of way). yes, s and i got the brief e-mails thanking us for our (birthday and wedding) gifts. and i got the group e-mail announcing their new home address and phone info. but she hasn't answered my e-mails—cheerful notes about what's going on with us, what's on dad's x-mas list, inquiring what's up with them—nor has she sent a personal note of her own. i know she's got a lot going on (a new marriage, a new house, and ongoing post-enron drama). even so, it doesn't feel good to be relegated to the very bottom of the list of what (and WHO) is important in her life.
that makes me indescribably sad. after the revelation, up until the maid-of-honor debacle, i had really believed that our relationship was growing, deepening. that we understood each other better. that we were in a good place. but now...it's worse than ever. we're not even speaking.
why don't i pick up the phone and call her, you ask? if you'd witnessed our last two phone conversations, you might understand why. it was like talking to a hysterical, irrational, and completely-unwilling-to-give-an-inch brick wall. nothing i said could convince her that she'd misunderstood me. that i would never, ever feel toward her how she'd accused me of feeling. that the very bottom-est of the bottom lines was that she's my sister and i love her, whether we have the same fathers or not. that i don't resent her as she thinks i do. what kinda person would i be if i did??
so here i am, a whole year later. time fucking flies. so much has changed. so much has been damaged, seemingly irreparably. there is so much good in my life...and so much that breaks my heart.
1:34 PM
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