November 27, 2001
a flood of memories last night on the way home, we ended up behind a car with an iowa license plate and cornell college license plate frame. i couldn't even keep from shouting, "cornell college!!" in my boobala's ear. now, i know that other people from my alma mater have ended up here somehow...many of them for graduate school, like me...but this was the first time i'd seen it so declared. if s. hadn't been with me, i think i would have had to make a conscious effort not to follow this guy wherever he was going, pull up next to him, and yell out my car window, "hey! i went to cornell, too!" *lol* funny thing was, he turned onto this street where r, an old friend of mine and another fellow cornellian, used to live...and where i spent a lot of time during my first year (and his second) of grad school...and rushing back came the memories of that era...the late '80s, when i had just come out of the closet, just moved to a city, and was embarking on the adventure of the rest of my life...all of which was a pretty big deal for a small-town iowa girl like me.
i've lost touch with most of the people i called my friends back then...most, because we just lost touch...a couple, because they're no longer of this world...others because we remind each other too much of the good times we had before people we knew and loved started dying of AIDS-related illnesses. back then, you could discover that you were HIV-positive one week, and be dead the next. when i learned that my friend e was sick, i didn't even get to see him before he died; i was busy trying to convince him to let me come over...suddenly, it was too late. my friend d (one of the first people i met here, and one of THE most brilliant people i've ever known) lived a lot longer...but rather than letting his friends and colleagues witness his mind and body being ravaged by this unforgiving disease, he packed up and left for his home country of canada, and i never saw him again. i heard, tho, that he was reading derrida and foucault right up to the end. *s*
it's a different world, now. i know people who have been HIV-positive for over a decade and they're happy and healthy. one runs marathons. another did both the california and dc AIDS rides last summer, within a week of each other.
still, we all know that AIDS in africa is getting worse all the time, exacerbated by governments who seem to care even less about those who are afflicted than the u.s. and even in this country, AIDS cases--especially among women and ethnic minorities--are on the rise even today, despite all the new knowledge and new drugs that we have now, even with all the educational efforts that have been undertaken for so many years.
whew *shaking head*...this is so NOTwhat this post was going to be about when i started it. sometimes the onslaught of memories takes you to places you don't expect to go...
12:33 PM
November 21, 2001
NOT going home for the holidays... 
last night, my boobala and i watched one of my favorite movies, "home for the holidays". i have seen this movie countless times, but i never tire of it. there's just so much to love about it! directed and co-produced by jodie foster, it's about a hugely dysfunctional family at thanksgiving (oh, how appropriate)...and while i'm no big holly hunter fan, it also stars robert downey jr. yeah yeah yeah, so he's a drug addict who can't get his act together even when his entire career is on the line...but he's just a really great actor. i had stopped watching "ally mcbeal" until he joined the cast...and it hasn't been the same since he left.
anyway...it's one of those movies that's hilarious, thought-provoking, and poignant all at the same time. every time i see it, i cry at the ending, which i think is beautifully done. go, jodie! i wish she'd direct some more. but then again, she might come up with another "nell"!
of course, one of the best things about this movie is that it portrays family dysfunction in a way that a) makes you laugh, and b) makes you realize that perhaps your own dysfunctional family is really not all that unique. sibling squabbles...bratty kids...sordid family secrets being revealed after decades...family members who, aside from DNA, have absolutely nothing in common...sound familiar?
every year at this time, we are bombarded with the hyper-commercialized myth of "family" and what that is supposed to mean to us. the "holidays" are supposedly about getting together with your family, showing your love for each other, blah blah blah...and there is nothing i would rather NOT do than get together with my dysfunctional (biological) family. i suppose it depends, really, upon your definition of "family"...and if my family has become my boobala, my 2 cats, 1 or 2 select "blood" relatives, and a coupla close friends, i'm fine with that. well, today, anyway....
3:08 PM
November 20, 2001
broke
hungry during my lunch hour today, i went out to the car dealership to a) see about getting my seat belt fixed, since the car is still under warranty and b) to talk to a guy about lease-end options, since my lease will be up next spring. on the way back to my office, my mind was spinning with the possibilities...should i trade it in for a brand new toyota? should i turn it in and go someplace else to get the car i really want (or more realistically, its more affordable "sister"? or should i go with my plan to buy my car when the lease is up? the greatest thing about that option is, my monthly payment would drop by about $100, even with tax, title, and extended warranty.
even with all this buzzing around in my head, i did manage to get off the highway at the proper exit and there, at the end of the exit ramp, was a sight that i see more and more of every day: a person standing there, holding a sign, hoping against all hope that a car will stop and some decent person will help make today just a tiny bit better.
it was this woman's sign, tho, that really got me...that, and the fact that she was a woman (they "get to me" the most). her sign didn't read, "will work for food" or "laid off, please help". it read, simply:
broke
hungry
i pulled over, rolled down my window, and gave her a coupla dollars. it wasn't much (as i told her, rather awkwardly), but she gave me a smile that probably hasn't seen a dentist in decades, if ever, and said, "god bless you." i had tears in my eyes as i pulled away, turned left at the light, and headed back to work...wanting to stay and ask her what else she needed, what else i could do, and simultaneously too afraid (or something...) to do that.
sometimes i am forced to acknowledge the degree to which i obsess over the most petty, insignificant "problems"...slight inconveniences, really...that irk or frustrate me on a daily basis. even my realproblems pale in comparison to those experienced every day by this woman on the exit ramp and millions of others like her who must resort to begging for money, food, shelter, and other necessities that i sometimes take for granted, even tho i make an effort not to.
i was also struck by the instantaneous memory of the myriad times i have seen such a person...downtown at the bus stop, at a busy intersection, at other highway exit ramps, or those who have come up to me in a parking lot and knocked politely (scaring the bejeezus outta me, nonetheless) on my window to ask for help...and thought to myself, "geeeeez, get a job already!"
part of that mentality comes from growing up primarily in rural areas, where the typical proud farmer would go up into the attic and shoot himself in the head before he'd ask a stranger for money or food...which means that i never saw a homeless person or was approached and asked for money until i moved to this city 14 years ago. part of it comes from the fact that i have gone through hard times, and know people who have gone through much harder times, and wehaven't had to resort to such drastic measures!
the fact remains, however, that, despite my so-called "financial struggles," i am solidly "middle class". and...even if i amstill paying back the student loans that financed my undergraduate education, which i finished almost 15 years ago...at least i hadthe opportunity to go to college, and then to graduate school, in the first place.
so...in this week that's supposed to be about giving thanks...i most certainly will not forget to give mine.
2:29 PM
November 19, 2001
oh, the sweet honey... friday night, we went to see the grammy award winning sweet honey in the rock. it was the 2nd time i'd seen them, but the 1st for s...they are so very wonderful. the only instruments they use are the calabash and some maracas...other than that, they're strictly a capella, and do such amazing things with their voices that you forget the sounds are actually vocal in origin. and they're so inspiring. bernice johnson reagon (mother of toshi) did a lot of talking in between songs...including wise words about how ludicrous it is that people in this country (including our leaders and, of course, your typical flag-waving types) are so hell bent on seeking and destroying "THE ENEMY" that they forget that we're all human beings, on the same earth.
they're touring through spring '02, so don't miss the opportunity to see them live.
12:48 PM
November 16, 2001
no end to the mama drama... last night, i was thinking...maybe it's finallytime to talk to my mom. all the anger that's built up since the big revelation last week is starting to subside a little...and even tho i haven't yet gotten to talk with my therapist (the woman is good; her schedule is always full), i feel like maybe i could control myself...and not say things i'll regret later.
but this morning, i woke up...feeling much more sad and hurt than mad. i recognize that this is normal in the whole process of "processing," but for some reason, it surprised me.
i'm sad because my mother didn't just cheat on my father all those years ago...she cheated on me, too. and whatever love and care and concern she felt for me wasn't strong enough to keep her from doing it. that hurts.
i'm sad because i grew up thinking that she loved my sister more...and even if that's not true, mom hasacknowledged that she felt the need to "protect" my sister more than she felt the need to "protect" me. the irony is, of course, that were a lot of reasons that i may very well have needed her MORE than my sister did: i was a little girl growing up gay (hey...i was madly in love with my 2nd grade teacher)...and tho i didn't recognize what it was that made me so different from every other kid i knew, i perceived that difference, and was really lonely. i was also taller and just plain "bigger" than most kids my age, and was teased mercilessly for years because of it. and i always seemed to be smarter than most everyone else in my class...the kid that everyone wanted to "copy off of" (and did, of course...because i was afraid to say "no," out of fear of rejection). i was also much more emotionally sensitive than my sister, or than most other kids. when i was visiting my parents last summer, my dad brought up again how i would cry at the proverbial "drop of the hat," while my sister seemed much more thick-skinned. i think our roles eventually reversed in that respect, but i have always been very sensitive and easily hurt, and remain so (to a certain degree) today.
i'm also a little hurt because my sister learned the truth about her biological parentage 4 years ago, and didn't tell meuntil last week. i acknowledge that she's had to deal with my mother's admonition not to tell anyone, and that she needed time to process everything herself. but the fact remains that it was her therapist--someone i've never even met--who urged her to tell me. how long would she have waited if her therapist HADN'T encouraged her to be honest with me?? and why has she felt, for the past 4 years, that she couldn't trust me enough to tell me? why did she feel that i am the type of person who would feel differently about her in light of this revelation?? the type of person who would suddenly reject my own sister??
so anyway...at least i've progressed through the initial anger phase (tho i am stillvery angry). nonetheless, i feel like i've lost ground...and like i still can't talk to my mother.
3:05 PM
November 15, 2001
feel the hype!
"cookie" artwork...just had to share. *s*
3:22 PM
my boobala says i should talk about music... perhaps you've wondered why i have a pic of me'shell ndegeocello on my page. (for those of you who've wondered who she is, you really need to find out...so peep the links on the left below her name.)
i heard a tape (yes, a tape) of her first album, plantation lullabies, in the spring of '94. i was in the car with some new friends, and was like, DAMN...who IS this?? and so began my obsession. i bought the cd...i bought her next one, peace beyond passion, the day it came out in '96. i saw her live for the first time in cleveland, in may '97. we almost didn't go...my (then) grrlfriend and i had had a HUGE fight the night before (not 5 months later, we would break up) and were half tempted to blow off the concert, for the sole fact that we had no desire to spend the next 2 days together on a road trip. but we sucked it up, drove to cleveland, and it was the best live show i'd ever seen...aside from the fact that i unwittingly caused a bar brawl (long story) and missed part of the opening act, rahsaan patterson. i saw her again in may '98, as part of the lilith fair tour. not her best show...but she seems to like it when the audience pays attention to her, and they weren't, so hey...i couldn't really blame her. actually, the highlight of that day was n'dea davenport. but i digress...*grin*
peace beyond passion became very significant to me, especially as i dealt with the pain of breaking up with my lover and partner of almost 4 years. it ended up being the best thing that could have happened, for both of us (we are now the best of friends...much closer than we were when we were a couple), but it was, of course, very painful at the time. though the album didn't address the whole "breaking up" thing directly, somehow it spoke to me in ways that no other music really had. it's difficult to explain...but i remember driving home from a party one night, pulling into my parking space, and just sitting there in my car, sobbing to "make me wanna holler". tho me'shell was talking about a different kind of pain in that song, i felt it...mine and hers...and it was a powerful release.
on that album, me'shell also addresses a lot of the same spiritual kinds of issues with which i have struggled. for a time, i wanted a tattoo of the lyrics, "your followers condemn me...your words are used to enslave me" around my ankle. i'm glad that i didn't go to that extreme, but i still love that line.
and then, after s. and i met online...moved past the acquaintance stage and got to know each other...and past (much to my surprise and delight) the "friendship" stage...me'shell's music and lyrics actually played a role in our courtship. *s* "you enchant me so...my bittersweet flower"..."i wanna hold your hand, take you to a picture showwwww" SO said the things that i wanted to say to her...helped me to express the yearning to hold her, touch her, know her, that was building in my mind, soul, and body with every passing day. we've now been together more than 3 1/2 years. she hasn't become the me'shell fanatic that i am, but she's indulged me in my desire to travel all over the place (ann arbor, chicago, st. louis, annapolis) to see me'shell and her band live in concert, and i don't think she's regretted it. have you, honey? *s*
me'shell's last album came out in '99. a huge departure from her earlier work, bitter is definitely worth checking out. her next--entitled "cookie: the anthropological mix tape"--is scheduled for release in february '02...and, based on what i've heard (including live in annapolis, maryland on november 1, '01), it threatens to become my new favorite. *grin*
10:47 AM
November 13, 2001
[insert new topic here] i'm sure that anyone who's accessed this page (i know there are a couple of you out there *grin*) is thinking, "what is WITH this woman? when is she ever going to stop whining and talk about something ELSE??" so...here's what you've been waiting for!
last week, s. and i went to a luncheon for the university's gay/lesbian/bi/trans faculty and staff. they're held quarterly, but this was the first we'd attended, and it was a spur-of-the-moment kinda thing. the vp for human resources was there to talk about "soft" benefits for domestic partners, in the absence of the "hard" ones...e.g., the ones our antiquated board of trustees refuses to approve, because they're waiting for the state to institute full benefits for domestic partners first. (hellllllooooo?? am i crazy, or don't colleges and universities exist to be at the forefront of new thinking and new practice? but that's a whole 'nother topic...). the provost was also there, to talk about what the university and its lobbyists are doing to prevent the heinous "defense of marriage act" from being passed by the ohio senate (it already made it thru the house, much to most people's surprise and chagrin). it was a decent program...both speakers seemed genuine in their commitment to the group and our concerns. i do think they could probably be doing more to advance our causes...but the fact that they were even there says something. (the president of the university is supposed to be at the next luncheon.)
nevertheless, i was disappointed. for one thing, s. was the ONLY person of color in the entire room of 60 or so people. my thought is that gay/lesbian/bi/trans people of color probably have so much else to worry about in their jobs (including the everyday, institutionalized racism that we KNOW permeates this and every other institution...with the exception, i suppose, of HBCUs), that whether or not the university decides to grant full benefits to domestic partners is of little (or no) concern to them, at least at this point. still...it was sad. i know that she feels isolated in instances like these, and i almost feel it too.
and then...there's this colleague of mine, whom i've actually known (through mutual friends) outside of work for a number of years...and he was there. for the most part, i guess he's a nice guy...but during our conversation, he kept talking about a football game years ago, which he was sure that he and s. had gone to together. she and i both kept saying, "no, i don't think so," hoping that he would just drop it. but he didn't...he kept at it, trying to narrow down the year, which game, etc....he just kept pushing. in a nutshell, he had confused s. with my ex...with whom he DID go to a football game years ago...my ex, who also happens to be a black woman.
now, s. and my ex look nothing alike. i suppose it was that ridiculous "'they' all look alike" thing. it was awkward, and i know he felt stupid after i told him that was someone ELSE with whom he'd gone to that game (which he deserved). but i hated that he and his persistent ignorance put s. into this awkward position, and forced me to finally have to say, "no, that was my ex...." why couldn't he have just gotten the hint and dropped it??
i hate it when that happens. it's not the first time. i'm fortunate that s. and my ex are actually friends...which i think perhaps minimized any weird feeling s. would have by being confused with my ex, by someone who doesn't know any better (or think before he speaks). but that doesn't change the fact that some (white) people are just plain stupid.
2:43 PM
a travel agent for guilt trips okay, so it's been a week, and i still haven't talked to my mother. i still don't feel ready...i feel like i need to talk to my therapist first, and she is still trying to fit me into her schedule. i also don't want to say anything that i don't want to say...anything that i can't take back, but that i'm still feeling and still liable to say at this point.
meanwhile, my mother has left 3 messages on my answering machine:
1) the first was almost a week ago...saying that she was sorry for causing such grief in her daughters' lives and that she wanted to talk, but understood if i wasn't ready. okay...i was cool with that.
2) a few days later, in her second message, she said that she is forgiven...by god...and she hopes that i can forgive her too. but see..."god" didn't learn about all this 32+ years after the fact. and then there's her assumption that because god has forgiven her, all is well, and there is no need for her to "make it right" with the people she hurt by doing the things she did (cheating, lying, etc.). to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe that's what she's trying to do with all these phone calls...but she's laying a simultaneous guilt trip on me...so how exactly is that "making it right" with me? this burns me up.
3) in her third message, yesterday, she said that with everything going on with the war, she "can't handle" being at war with her children.
*sigh*
which means, in her eyes, it's still all about HER...what SHE can or cannot handle. it's (presumably) less important to her what her children may or may not be able to handle (e.g., the fact that i "can't handle" talking to her right now). but it's been all about what SHE couldn't handle (e.g., revealing the truth) for the last 32+ years. i think it's our turn.
as my sweetheart (very wisely) said to me yesterday, no one can send you on a guilt trip unless you let them. and i know this...i really do. but my problem is, refusing to allow my mother send me on a guilt trip (for not returning her calls, for responding to the revelation about my sister in a way that she apparently "can't handle) means, for me, the negation of more than 30 years of learned behavior. she has used guilt tripping against me almost my entire life. she's good at it, and she knows it. to her, it's perfectly normal, acceptable behavior, and I'M the bad one for not succumbing.
right now...?? i just can't give in to her.
i also had to talk to my father last night, without being able to talk about this...because he doesn't know that i know. i really believe that my sister needs to talk to him. maybe they have a chance at a decent relationship if they eliminate the LIE from it...if they let all the artificiality of that relationship fall away, and just appreciate each other for the people they are. i hope so. whatever the case, i'm going to encourage my sister to talk to him. i feel like i need to talk to him, too, and i can't until she does.
2:13 PM
November 09, 2001
anger management 101 my mother is fervently religious, even to the point of fanaticism at times. it makes me crazy. we can't even have a conversation anymore, without it turning into a big religious debate. and i don't think it's entirely healthy.
for example...whenever she experiences some great success in her life, she automatically attributes it to god. she gives herself absolutely no credit, no props for working hard, beating the odds, making the right choice. now...how can that possibly be healthy for someone who has suffered from low self-esteem for her entire life??
but you know what? her religious fervor finally makes sense to me. i mean, she had to turn to someone, something, for forgiveness. for what she did to my father...my sister...and me. right?
it may seem like i'm being too hard on her. maybe i am. but i am still just so angry. as we speak, i'm waiting for my (former) therapist to return my call. she helped me through a really rough time a few years back, for about a year. she asked all the right (i.e., tough) questions...forced me to consider things i hadn't yet considered ...listened at the right times...offered a different perspective when i needed it...prescribed just the right anti-depressant medication (which, thankfully, didn't need to be permanent)...and gave me homework after every session. hopefully, she can help me to figure out the right thing to do with all this anger.
1:44 PM
November 08, 2001
the motherfucking coward... so anyway...
my younger sister called me monday night and...after the requisite chit chat about our work, loves, and lives...she asked me if i was sitting down.
my first thoughts were...is she pregnant? is she engaged (she's gone thru a rocky period with her beau, but things seem to be improving)? and (goddess forbid) was she abused as a child by our (wicked...okay, he was really just stupid) stepfather?
i had absolutely no idea that she would say what she said. which was...
she is the child resulting from an affair that our mother had while married to our (errr, my) father. my mother didn't reveal this fact to her until 4 years ago, when she was 28. she has spent the last 4 years in therapy, sorting it all out, and working up the nerve to tell ME.
now...it could have been worse. much worse. i know this. but still...
i'm angry. mostly at my mother. for:
* cheating on my father.
* cheating on my father with his co-worker and friend.
* cheating on my father with the kind of (cowardly) man who would deny his own child, (supposedly) for the sake of his existing marriage and family.
* accepting (after my parents' divorce about 5 years later) child support payments FROM my father for a child that was not and is not his.
* keeping this a secret.
* keeping this a secret for almost 30 years.
* when she finally decided to reveal the secret, for making my sister promise not to tell anyone.
* feeling the need to "protect" my sister to a greater extent than she felt the need to "protect" ME (protect from WHAT, i don't really know...other than from, obviously, the truth).
* preventing my sister from developing a healthy relationship with my father, who is the only father SHE has ever known (on sundays, our designated day with dad after the separation and ensuing divorce, she urged my sister to stay home with her instead...at times, so that they could be visited in secret by my sister's biological father.)
* witnessing bitter arguments between my sister and me, well into our adulthood...arguments centered around my failure to understand how and why she made little effort to sustain a relationship with our (my) father...and not saying anything...thereby jeopardizing my relationship with my sister.
of course, i'm also angry at "this man" for denying his daughter's existence and treating her like his dirty little secret. i have a fantasy of sending him an anonymous note that says:
"YOU MOTHERFUCKING COWARD."
and i only realized afterward just HOW appropriate that would be.
i'm a little angry with my father...for keeping this secret, and witnessing the same arguments between my sister and me and not saying anything about what he knew. but...this is the man who stepped up to raise (at least for awhile, until the divorce) a child that was not his...who paid child support for her and contributed to the funding of her (higher) education...who took great pains to make sure that he treated us equally. but if my feelings for him have changed, it's in the sense that i have a greater respect for him, because of what he did, and how he was the "bigger man".
my feelings for my sister haven't changed...except that maybe i respect her even more for how she has handled this revelation, and how she hasn't allowed it to destroy her life.
what i'm most worried about are my feelings for my mother. i don't know how i can forgive her. it all seems like too much. i know i have to talk to her...she left a message last night saying that she wanted to talk, but understood if i wasn't ready. i wasn't...and i'm still not.
5:17 PM
skeletons a skeleton flew out of the family closet this week, and i'm reeling.
funny...one of the first things i thought was, i need a web site...so that i can throw everything going thru my head up there (and out there) and see if the world has anything to say about it. when i mentioned this to anitra, she suggested blogger. so here i am.
4:28 PM
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