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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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May 28, 2003
letter to my brotherhey, jeffy....
i'm really missing you today.
yesterday, you'd have been 52...maybe that's why you're on my mind so much. we go through this every spring, you know. first, in april, there's the anniversary of your death...4 years ago already, which is totally surreal. then in may, your birthday. then june and fathers' day. i always wonder what the kids are going thru. it's not like they'd ever tell me...i can't even get them to reply to e-mails. (i've decided to stop sending them money on their birthdays. it's just too weird that they never say "thanks.") but even if we talked, i don't know that kim would tell me anything anyway. she seems to have kept everything inside...every feeling about losing her dad. maybe that's normal for her. maybe that's just her way. but it worries me.
chris worries me, too. he's a good kid...i had a great time hanging out with him in portland last summer. but he's what...25 now? he needs a job that pays all his own bills. i know this must bother you...it's exactly what you tried to keep from happening. i know margaret means well by supplementing his income. i think she's trying to make up for your absence. but i don't know that it's the best thing for him. when will he really grow up, if he never has to totally support himself?
and margaret. i know she misses you. but being the pragmatic type that she is, she's simply learned to live without you. (i'm not sure i could do it. i think about sandra being gone and...well...let's not even go there right now.) i need to call her. mom said she'd be finding out in may whether or not her school is closing, and the last time i talked to her, she was worried. she's afraid she won't be able to find another teaching job.
our family is soooooooo screwed up right now, jeff. it's been years since paula and i exchanged much beyond pleasantries, except for when i ask what the kids are into and might want for x-mas and birthday gifts, and she responds. when she was talking about all of us getting together in canada, but told me that sandra wasn't welcome at her house...what does that say about how welcome i am there? she was pleasant enough at laura's wedding, to sandra, too. but...i guess we don't have a whole lot in common anyway. it's just sad. there was a time when i wanted to be her, but now we have nothing to say to each other.
then there's laura. she and i aren't speaking, either. there was the whole maid of honor thing. i've tried hard to forgive her for hurting me...but it's hard to forgive people when they hurt you deliberately, and then aren't the least bit sorry about it. in the absence of actual forgiveness, i've tried to at least pretend like i forgive her. sending the usual thoughtful gift on appropriate occasions...setting my hurt feelings aside to attend her wedding, because i knew it was important to her (if only because she didn't want her friends talking about how her sister wasn't there...). but she has given me nothing in return. she even blew off my birthday...that really hurt.
mom told me that laura said to her, "i don't think lisa likes me." of course, that puts all the responsibility back on me. i've accepted the blame and the responsibility for my part in what's wrong with us, but she has not. and anyway, what's to like about her these days?? i want to write her a letter with 2 columns...one for me, one for her...outlining our actions toward each other in the last 14 months...and then ask her, were the names switched, would she like her??
i also want to tell her that she needs to work thru her anger toward mom. she had every right to be angry. i was angry, too. but it's been 6 years...6 whole years...since the truth came out. if she hangs onto the anger, it will eat her up inside. it will ruin her life. and i think she'll regret it, when mom is gone and she's lost the chance to work things out. then again...maybe she won't.
so why am i telling you all this, you're wondering. i don't know. i feel like you could help somehow. like if you talked to laura, she'd listen and believe what you said. you just always had this very rational, calm way of dealing with things. plus, she respected you. in a way she obviously doesn't respect me.
i know you weren't perfect. when i found out, after you died, that you'd told margaret you'd leave her if she ever got fat...i was stunned. i expected more of you. and i like to think that you wouldn't have actually left, had that happened. that you'd have reconsidered, because of all the years you'd been together, and all she did as an "air force wife" to get you as far as you got. major? that's no joke. you worked hard. but she worked hard, right along with you. you know this. i know you know it.
personally, finding out that you said that to your wife hurt me, too. ever since, i've wondered, "well, then...what did he think about me?
i wish you were here, so i could ask you.
i wish i'd have called you when i knew you were sick. i was working 70-hour weeks then, and completely stressed out. i was going to call you once my project was done. i never imagined that you would die before i could. no one did.
i wish we'd have spent more time together as adults. the last time i saw you was like, 9 years ago. (well, not the real last time...that doesn't count. lying on that table. your hands all puffy. your goofy mustache suddenly, inexplicably gone. your face all the wrong color. no. that time doesn't count.) but you were always halfway across the country (or further), and i was always too broke to buy a plane ticket. i was jealous of the time laura spent with you, because you were all on the west coast. i wanted to be there, too.
oh, jeffy. *sigh* i miss you. margaret sent me one of your dog tags. it's on my key ring, so every day, i touch something that once hung close to your heart.
i hope you know how much i love you.
love, lisa
12:49 PM
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