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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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April 23, 2003
iowa dreamin'so yeah...my last 2 posts have been all about the memories that came rushing back to me last week, when i was in iowa. that little town where i was "popular" (*laughing*) is located on the 45-mile stretch between my dad's and my mom's, so i drove thru it 3 times in 2 days. past the pharmacy and the former "tastee freeze" where i once worked. past the high school at the top of the hill that i climbed every morning. past the bank where i opened my first checking account. past the building across the street that once housed the savings and loan (remember those?) that my mom managed...i.e., the reason that we moved there in the first place. past the street where our old house sits. past the corner north of town, where we turned to go to the cemetery to retrieve the stash of beam's choice or sloe gin that always seemed to be waiting for us.
there's another small town on that route, where d and l (who've been married for years; they probably have kids) now live. for years, i've regretted how i treated her. she had been my friend, and i carried on a "thing" with her boyfriend, for years. driving thru (all 3 times), i fantasized for a moment about finding their house and stopping by. to apologize to her. and to make sure that he knows...hmmmm. i'm not sure just what i want him to know. maybe that i realized my mistake(s) a long time ago. that i've done just fine without him. that i wasn't really "in love," after all...just young and naive and lonely and very, very confused.
but...why do i even care? soooooo long ago. soooooo not relevant to my life anymore.
i got home on sunday nite, and was going thru my mail while waiting for s to finish the lovely "welcome home" dinner she was preparing...and what do i find, but an envelope with THEIR last name in the return address spot! my first thought was, another letter?? what have i done wrong NOW? *chuckling*
it was an invitation to the 20th class reunion, sent by l because she's on the committee, and because she and d are hosting a "family pool party" as part of the weekend's festivities. i didn't even graduate from that high school, so being invited to their reunion is kinda cool. it's weird, tho...while i declined the 20th reunion invitation for the school from which i actually graduated, with barely a thought a few weeks ago, this one i'm actually considering. i think i'd probably have to do some "damage control" beforehand...not only with l, but also with t (my former best friend, "the most popular girl in school"). i wasn't a good friend to her, either. she announced that she was pregnant during our junior year in college, while i was going thru my own shit (in love with my roommate but not knowing it was "love", blah blah blah)...and i wasn't there for her at all. a year later—2 weeks into my first REAL relationship, which also happened to be with a woman—she asked me, point-blank, if i was "dating women." it was too new, and i was still too freaked out by people knowing, for fear that they'd reject me. so i lied. and that was the last time i ever saw or spoke to her.
but anyway...i'm considering going to this reunion. i certainly realize that, in the grand scheme of things, with all that's going on in the world right now, this "ain't no thang" (as sherri would say). but maybe that's exactly why i'm totally obsessing about it.
10:53 AM
rushing back (continued)sometime before the move, d and i had started (for lack of a better term) an "affair." we weren't having sex, but we would get drunk and make out a lot. i remember parties, during which he'd take l home at some point (to meet her curfew), and then come back, and the two of us would sneak off together somewhere. i knew it was wrong. after all, his girlfriend was supposed to be my friend. but he told me he loved me. no one outside my family had ever said those words to me before, and they were absolutely intoxicating. i thought i was in love, too.
once we had moved away, d and i kept in touch. he wrote me long letters, telling me how much he missed me, and how much he loved me. i wrote him back, expressing the same sentiments. he was in college by then, and l (who was still back at my former high school) wasn't always around to keep tabs on him. so he'd drive up to see me occasionally, and we'd drink and smoke and be all over each other for a few hours...and then he'd drive away. he wasn't even a good kisser...way too sloppy and imprecise...but i didn't care. i lived for those visits, when it was just the two of us.
my senior year (his sophomore year in college), he asked me to my prom. i had never been to prom, and i hadn't planned to go to this one...but how could i refuse? mom and i went shopping for fabric and a pattern, and had my dress custom made. i would laugh at it now, if i saw it...but back then? it was beautiful. i felt beautiful in it. i couldn't wait to walk into the decorated high school cafeteria, in that dress, escorted by a "college boy" in a tuxedo.
3 weeks before the big date, i got a letter in the mail. half of it written by d, the other half by l. she had found about about the prom date, and she was having none of that. even worse, i was admonished to stay away from d. i was devastated. i spent prom night drunk, at a party in a cornfield. the next day, driving home all hungover and depressed and exhausted, i fell asleep at the wheel. i awoke to the sounds that my left tires made on the gravel on the other side of the highway, just in time to slam on the brakes, spin around, and keep from careening into the ditch. if there had been oncoming traffic....well, there hadn't been. i just lost a hubcap.
predictably, d came crawling back to apologize several weeks later, the day after i had graduated. i had sworn that i'd do my best never to see him again, or even to think about him. but there he was...standing at the door of my parents' house on the highway, holding a gift of my favorite perfume, his brown eyes pleading with me (i always have had a thing for brown eyes...). i was weak. we got into his brown camaro and took off.
that summer, after a party at his house (which his girlfriend didn't know about), he took my hand, looked into my eyes for a long moment, and led me into his mother's bedroom (i think she was in the hospital). i had waited for this moment for years. it took about 10 minutes.
that fall, i went off to college. i was a mere 20 miles from where d was in college and the affair continued. for a few months, anyway, until another letter arrived. this time, entirely in l's handwriting, but signed by them both. again, i was told that "it" was over. that i was to stay away from him. this time, for good.
my floormates insisted that i write his name on empty beer bottles, which we then threw out a third-floor window, smashing them on the patio below (the r.a. had consented, as long as we cleaned it up the next day). with the encouragement of my roommate, i took the letter, corrected every spelling and grammatical error in red ink, and mailed it back. i never saw either one of them again.
10:08 AM
April 22, 2003
rushing backthe summer after 8th grade, my mom got a job promotion and we moved to a small town about 25 miles from where we'd lived for the last 9 years, and where i'd done most of my growing up. i was upset about moving and leaving my friends, but excited to start high school. i hadn't been particularly popular in junior high (which was, to me, pretty important). i was smart and got good grades. i didn't excel at sports. i was in that very awkward stage between being a child and being a woman (i.e., i wasn't too cute). and to top it off, we didn't live in the right neighborhood and my clothes were mostly hand-me-downs. so i hoped that maybe things would change in my new environment.
i'm not sure what it was, exactly...perhaps it was the novelty of being "the new girl." or perhaps it was simply being in the right place at the right time. but suddenly, for the first time in my life, i was popular. i made friends easily. people thought i was cool. i lettered in softball and volleyball (i wasn't good, but was rewarded for my effort). i made the cheerleading squad (junior varsity basketball my freshman year, varsity wrestling my sophomore year). my best friend was the most popular girl in my class and we were inseparable. as freshmen, we hung out with juniors. at 14, they taught us how to get drunk. we spent the next couple of years perfecting it.
one of those juniors was d, a guy i worked with after school and on saturdays at the pharmacy. he asked me out, but i said i wanted to "stay friends." i think he was disappointed, but we ended up being friends anyway. at 17, he had gone thru some shit in his life. he witnessed his father's death in a boating accident, and was watching his mother slowly die of cancer. i think that drew me to him. my life had been pretty uncomplicated, in comparison (back then, anyway), but i could relate to him. he made me laugh. he was really the first guy who had ever paid me any attention at all.
even so, i insisted that i didn't want a boyfriend. or even to date anyone. (this would only make sense to me years later....) i ended up "fixing him up" with a friend of mine, l. they started dating exclusively. but d and i still spent a lot of time together. at work, but also as drinking buddies...especially when l's semi-strict parents insisted she stay home on a friday or saturday nite, but my mother was still pretty clueless about my "extracurricular activities."
so, in the spring of my freshman year, mom announced that she was going to marry "norm," the guy she'd been dating, and that we were all moving to colorado. i was furious. there was no way i was giving up my new happy life, especially after we'd moved there less than a year before. so i said, "no." i simply refused to go. i would live with my best friend, t. or i would move in with my dad, who lived in another small town about 20 miles away; i would've had to switch schools, but at least i'd be close to my new friends. i was NOT moving to colorado.
well, norm decided not to marry my mother. she told me it was because of me. maybe he knew she wouldn't be happy leaving me behind...i've never been sure. but she told me that i'd ruined her last chance for happiness. i was 15.
nonetheless, my life went on happily...after all, i had "won." but in the spring of my sophomore year, mom announced that she was marrying "jim," the guy she had started dating after norm left for colorado without her. he owned land outside yet another small town, a couple of hours away, and they were building a house. i was heartbroken. but i couldn't deal with any more guilt. so i didn't fight it. they got married, we moved, and i started my junior year in a new, larger school. i didn't make the cheerleading squad (the practices for which d had driven me all the way up there, even before we moved). they didn't have volleyball. their softball team was too good, and i'd have never even made it thru tryouts. when i gained weight, mom insisted i (still a virgin) was pregnant. but i made friends. i drank a lot. i smoked marlboro lights (secretly, only on the weekends). i made out with pretty much any boy who was interested.
every chance i got, i went back to see my old friends. the only speeding ticket i've ever gotten was that first year, 6 months after i'd gotten my license. 79 in a 55. all i could think about was getting there, as fast as my stepdad's old 2-door chevy caprice would take me.
(to be continued....)
9:47 AM
April 14, 2003
road triptomorrow morning, my friend david and i are off to iowa for fun-filled (ha!) familial visits. he will attempt to withstand a full 4 days with his mother, while i split my time between mom and dad, dodging pleas to accompany them (especially mom) to the many church services being held this week and begging mom to let me take a shower all the way through, without turning off the water during sudsing. (while admirable, her efforts to save water are also really annoying.)
i'm looking forward to seeing my parents...it's been since august, at my sister's wedding...but i always have such mixed feelings about these trips. the drive is long, usually about 8 hours one-way, if traffic isn't too bad. i hate, hate, HATE leaving s. i hate leaving her without wheels for 6 days. i hate leaving my cats. i hate leaving s with the responsibility of the cats (especially harper lee's twice-daily pill regimen). i hate leaving our house, which is really starting to feel like a home.
on the other hand, david will be good company for the trip; the last time we made the drive together, it seemed about half as long as when i've driven it by myself. and i will only have 2 days with each parent, which (hopefully) skims under my threshold of tolerance (my mom, especially, starts to drive me crazy on about the third day). and it is important that i spend time with my parents. mom is 71. dad turns 70 in june. they're not going to be around forever. i need to be around them while i still can. in fact, i need to make these shorter trips more often, instead of going to see them just once a year and staying long enough that i'm losing my mind by the time i head for home.
at any rate...i'm off. i'm sure i'll have ample experiences about which to blog, upon my return.
4:58 PM
no one tastes quite like you...do.that's a line from the first song doria roberts sang the other nite. and, judging from the lack of response from the crowd (it was early), she'll probably be clowning columbus for a good long time. i can hear it now: hey, y'all, i was in columbus, ohio, last week? and you won't believe this...i said, "no one tastes quite like you"...in a room full of lesbians...and no one said a word! i'm sure she'll also mention the fact that she had to stop a song to tell people to quit talking so loudly. people are SO rude....i was embarrassed to be there.
fortunately, doria didn't let any of this stop her from putting on a great show. if it had been méshell, she'd probably have stormed off the stage more than once. i love her, but she can be a bit temperamental. :)
anyway, i can't believe i finally saw doria roberts, after reading deshi's frequent raves about her. her set was part of queerstock (which we later found out was actually founded by doria, herself), held here on saturday. i hadn't heard a thing about it until friday afternoon, when i was reading the latest issue of outlook and doria's name popped out at me (it's emblazoned on my brain, thanks to deshi). we picked up our tickets in advance, on friday, which i'm glad we did...otherwise, we'd probably have been tempted to just chill at home on saturday night.
tracy walker, alix olson, and alison pipitone also performed, but doria was definitely the highlight for us. hot, hot, HOT. i couldn't decide which of her cds to buy, so, on a complete impulse...i bought them all! when she wandered over near our table after her set, s asked her to sign one of them for me...and, upon seeing that we had all 4, she gushed about how great it was that we were supporting independent music and signed a poster for us, too.
so yeah...we can't get enough of doria. s says she's obsessed...even comparing it to my "thing" with méshell. so who knows...next week after i get back from iowa, we may drive to cleveland in the middle of the week to see doria solo. :)
4:51 PM
April 11, 2003
i'm no poet...and i know it. but j is. so is michael franti. inspired by the former, i give you this, from the latter:piece o' peace
(every million miles ya haffe tek a first step
every million miles ya haffe tek a first step)
i was sick of flippin' channels / and sick of flippin' quarters
i called my man zulu / said, "meet me on the corner"
maybe we can check out the clubs in the city
'cause waitin' at the crib can make you feel shitty.
so he hopped into my ride on the squeaky door side and
we hit the upper room / where they keep the funk alive.
the man at the door invited us inside.
he said there isn't any cover if you're keepin' up the vibe.
we took it upstairs to big up the area.
the people in the house was shakin' up their derrier.
raisin' up their hands and raisin up their voices.
tokes was the d.j., i was happy with his choices,
maxin' and mixin' the beats they was fixin'.
my brain like a smoke that was doubly, triply, dope.
the decadence is gone and life may never be the same
'cause when the beat hits,
you feel no pain!
(chorus)
so a piece of peace for you, a piece of peace for me
a piece of peace for every peaceful person that you see.
a piece of peace for you, a piece of peace for me
but I don't act peaceful if you're not that way to me.
(every million mile ya haffe tek a first step
every million mile ya haffe tek a first step)
five-o was outside waitin' with their vans
hopin' that shit would get outta hand
so dat they could test their weapons
on innocent civilians,
the high tech shit costin' million and millions.
money should've spent on something for community
but that's o.k. because we got the unity.
so fuck the police! we can keep the peace!
we can make love and conquer that disease
because nothing in the world is impossible to me.
i can swim on dry land and run upon the sea
and nothing in the world is impossible to me.
you can chop off my legs and I'll land upon my feet.
i turn it over to the spirit and I leave her in charge
my favorite record sounds like an african head charge.
she'll beat up the beats with an eggbeater
pour 'em in the batter
she'll make 'em sound fatter and fatter.
'cause food for the soul is the flavor of the music.
spice for the brain is the essence of the lyrics.
songs can be delicious and also be nutritious.
you can't pay for culture, it can only be experienced.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
WELL, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN EXPERIENCED!
WELL...
(chorus)
if the funk is on time
then we call it punctual
we're matchin' up the footsteps
spiritual and functional.
like carnivale in rio,
the charlie hunter trio
had the groovers groovin'
and all the movers movin'.
cuba, twist, reminisce and NME
graffiti on the street for everyone to see.
even the elders in the house was havin' fun
because we livin' life at the top of our lungs.
it was truly a life celebration that night
had the world's greatest time
but we'd never sell the movie rights
to maury povich, or anyone like that
and anyone who does is really, really whack!
we fish or cut bait and we're not takin' prisoners
and if you comin' late then you might've missed some'a this
funky good time we had here in front'a you.
so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu to you.
(chorus)
—spearhead, from home, 1994
11:12 AM
April 10, 2003
lovely, indeedi know this weekend is almost here, but all week long, i've been wanting to blog about how i spent the better part of the last one. see...i read one of the most beautiful books i've read in a very long time—the lovely bones. anitra recommended it to me sometime late last year, i put it on my wish list, and s—the person who gives me stuff just because i want it—gave it to me for my birthday.
shortly thereafter, tho, we decided to move...and amidst all the packing and painting and shopping unpacking, i hadn't really been doing a lot of reading. then jason blogged about the book, and i thought, "hey! i have that book." it was even unpacked.
once i picked it up last saturday afternoon, i only put it down because it was 1 a.m. and i couldn't keep my eyelids open any longer. i started reading again at 7:30 on sunday morning and read 'til i'd finished it. i don't do this very often.
nor do i find myself feeling this way about a book very often. sula first did it to me, back in 1986, when i was just realizing that i was a lesbian. i've always joked that i "came out academically," and sula was the book that helped me along that journey.
sidebar: i got an e-mail the other day from a student doing her senior thesis on the lesbian relationship between sula and nel in that book. she found this blog during a web search and thought she might want to cite me in her research, as most of what she's read on the topic supports the view that sula's and nel's relationship was NOT lesbian in nature. how cool is that? :)
anyway...i won't give you synopses or reviews, which you can find in abundance elsewhere. just read it, okay? trust me.
3:37 PM
April 01, 2003
she only loves me for my pimp juice.fortunately not. april fool's!
11:53 AM
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