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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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June 27, 2003
 victory, pride, & communitythings are happenin', folks...big, important things. i like that they're happening now...just in time to coincide with annual celebrations here and across the country this weekend.
to be honest, i'm not sure how much s and i will actually participate this year...the annual pride celebration lost something (for me, anyway) several years ago, when the "march" turned into a "parade" and the purpose turned into a party. plus, at least in columbus, the people celebrating so publicly on the last weekend in june are about 95% white—which is reflected in not just the crowd, but in the planned events, the music, and the overall vibe. nonetheless, i fully support everyone else as they "party their pride" to new levels. may the drag queens not sweat off their makeup...may the dykes go topless without legal ramification...may the leather boyz avoid excess chafing...and may they and everyone else have a jolly good time. i mean that!
luckily, comfest is this weekend, too, filling most of the same park where the march parade kicks off tomorrow morning...3 days of music, food ("fish boats," YAY!), beer, public weed smoking, and the fuzzy-navel and rum-punch slushies that s and i made for the occasion 2 years ago, and of which we've become quite fond.
my biggest challenge today is...how do i steal some of those orange cones outside my building without anyone noticing, so that we can deter people from taking our parking spot?? :)
1:22 PM
June 24, 2003
don't drink freelyi just received an e-mail notice that the minutemen will be handing out "specially labeled" bottled water at this year's pride march, through their living waters project.
clever, but...we're having none of that.
2:06 PM
June 22, 2003
o, canadanot only has canada legalized gay marriage...but now, our neighbor up north is considering the decriminalization of this (which is old news but, apparently, i haven't been paying attention).
so the question is: why am i sitting here typing, instead of packing??
when i started graduate school, one of the first people i met was dennis. as a ph.d. student in rhetoric and comp, he facilitated some of the orientation sessions that i was required to attend as a new t.a. (tho he told me, years later, that he first approached me because he liked my haircut *grin*).
den was probably the most brilliant person i've ever known (i mean, come on...the guy actually read derrida and foucault in his spare time). and he had some serious, serious style. even in jeans and a t-shirt, he always looked impeccably dressed. he had the coolest shoes. his spiky black hair never looked wrong, even on the rare occasion that it hadn't been gelled into place. he loved new order and the pet shop boys and kd lang, but also maria callas...he had a kick-ass stereo and he'd covered the walls of his tiny living room in 2-inch acoustic foam, so as not to miss a single exquisite note.
having grown up in his parents' restaurant in vancouver, he was also an amazing cook and connoisseur of chinese and thai cuisine...when we splurged and went to our favorite restaurant, he would insist on ordering for the whole table so that we could all share, and so that he could point out the delicious nuances of each dish (which could be a little annoying at times, but we never thought of not indulging him...he took such great pleasure in doing it). when we went out to the club, and while joyce and robert and i were getting our drink on, den would dance for hours on end without stopping. at the end of the night, drenched from head to toe, somehow he'd still be looking cute.
yeah...den was special. he was like no one i'd ever known and, since he died—10 years ago this summer...back when HIV-positive people almost always, eventually, did—i've never met anyone even remotely like him. despite all his remarkable qualities and little idiosyncracies, tho—and the fact that no one, not even his closest friends, knew how old he really was—the one (and often the first) thing that people always knew about him was that den was CANADIAN. he was forever extolling the virtues of his homeland, to the point that we'd all be yelling, "well, go BACK there, then, if you love it so much!" (tho we'd have been devastated if he actually had).
at the time, i didn't really understand den's die-hard loyalty to his native country...i certainly didn't feel that way about mine (hmmm, i wonder why not....). but as the years have passed, canada has continued to look like a more and more attactive place to live (the climate notwithstanding).
after the results of the last presidential election were (finally) in, s and i began a little inquiry into what exactly it would take for us to be able to move to canada. we each completed questionnaires (created by a canadian law firm) that i found online someplace, supposedly designed to assess our eligibility for emigration. what we found is that a) it would be very expensive, and b) my results deemed me eligible, while s's did not—a difference that i speculate may have been based on our answers to a couple of different questions (re: level of education and relatives in canada...while it did cross my mind, i'm assuming that race was not a factor). but the recent and impending legal changes in canada have got me thinking about it all over again.
of course, now, we could pretty easily get ourselves to toronto to get married. and then i could save (and otherwise prepare) to move there...and as my legal spouse, s should be eligible to come with me, right? hmmm...now there's something to think about.
10:22 AM
June 20, 2003
dog-day afternoonthere are dogs chasing each other up and down the hallway outside my office door. yes, real, live, actual dogs. i spotted two goldens and some little fluffy bug-eyed yippy thing (i'm so not a dog person). apparently, it's "take your pet to work day" or some such ridiculousness...i didn't get the memo. but even if i had, would i think of bringing my cats to work with me? i think not. dog people are strange.
and the dog people on my floor seem to feel mighty entitled to bringing in their dogs in to work whenever they feel like it. my boss does it at least a couple times a month. a woman down the hall brings her dog in every friday. what the hell is that about?
i did bring kala to work with me for a half day once, when she was a kitten. at the time, work was located about halfway between home and the vet's, and we had a late-morning appointment. but it was only for a few hours, and she was so tiny...smaller than a hamster. she darted around the office like a flea on amphetamines.
mind you, i work in a 10-floor building (once a hotel) with a conference center on the first floor. it's quite obviously an office building...not a dog park.
a dog has just pissed on the carpet outside my door. i heard the woman from down the hall say, "oh, it's probably my fault...i gave her a lot of water this afternoon."
neat. mmm hmmmm. positively rich.
4:53 PM
June 13, 2003
blogger basic biteshow annoyed am i that—since blogger "upgraded" to create "Blogger LoFi" for those of us who haven't yet crossed the pay-to-blog line, and are therefore assumed to have "web browsers that lack robust stylesheet and/or dhtml capabilities"—i can no longer blog in explorer, but have to fire up netscape?
and how annoyed am i that when i include a link, the preview displays everything thereafter as underlined?
quite. and i haven't yet stumbled upon the advantages to the supposed upgrade. right now, it's just a pain in the ass. i hate "upgrades" that end up being exactly the opposite.
but it's friday. and my boss called in sick. and the sun's even shining. and we saw finding nemo last night, which has got to be the cutest animated film ever. and i got an e-mail from an author the other day, just because i mentioned her book on my blog. and orange birkenstocks are on their way to me from germany. so are red ones. and we're going to cleveland tomorrow for a game (mostly to see her play) and staying someplace nice (for cheap). and maybe i can persuade s to abandon her carnivorous ways (for one meal, anyway), and enjoy some vegetarian soul food with me.
i can't even stay mad.
4:42 PM
June 11, 2003
cool & hotnot only did i finally see the matrix reloaded last night, but we saw it imax-style. very, very cool.
i loved how neo's long coat swirled around during his slow-mo moves. i loved his pre-flight crouch. i loved the oracle's voice. i loved how morpheus' glasses perched on his face without anything attached to his ears. i especially loved the dance scene in the beginning. if a typical night at the club were ever that hot, i might even go.
but hold UP...everyone's talking about how great she looked...but no one's said boo about her.
oh. my. god(dess).
s-m-o-k-i-n'. if she had been any hotter, she'd have had flames blowing off her head (like this, perhaps). FLAMES, i tell you. wow.
and i'm so loving the ink on her left arm. i may have to bite that. (the tattoo. not the arm.)
sidebar: doesn't the word, "arm" sound really weird when you say it over and over again? like, "arm. arm. arm? is that the right word? what the hell is an arm?"
but anyway....let's hope she has more than a bit part in the next one.
12:55 PM
June 10, 2003
public freakingand no, this isn't about sex al fresco.
this morning, i had to give a brief presentation to 60-some people at our monthly staff meeting, about a conference i attended last month. i despise public speaking, but my boss made me do it. i had tried to postpone it, and even had logical reasons for doing so, but the asshole he had a comeback for every such idea i proposed. you see, he relishes the very thought of me being uncomfortable.
finally, i gave in. i got myself on the agenda. i prepared an outline so that i wouldn't forget what i wanted to say. i donned a classy suit this morning. i was sporting a cute new haircut (5 inches off, layers and body in...i'm happier with my hair than i've been in years). and i was feeling nervous, but not scared. i was really feeling okay.
and then? i reached the podium.
my heart started beating super-fast. i could actually feel the flush, starting at my chest, rising up my neck, onto my face, and heating up my ears. i noticed my knuckles turning white from gripping the sides of the podium. and as i started speaking, i did what i had sworn i wouldn't do this time:
i forgot to breathe.
i don't know what it is, but this happens every time i have to speak to more than 10 people. i get to the end of a sentence and have to pause to catch my breath...i mean, like, REALLY pause...to the point that seconds are ticking off in my head, reminding me of how idiotic i must look up there. meanwhile, everyone's looking at me expectantly...some smiling...and i just know they're thinking, "why is she hyperventilating?" and wondering how i could possibly be so calm and confident and knowledgeable and capable during meetings one-on-one or in small groups, and then be reduced to this when there's a few more people in the room.
i actually did a good job of not just reading my outline, but of actually talking. i made eye contact with various people around the room. i even made a joke. after all, i know the game. i know how it's supposed to be done. i just did it while failing to breathe.
finally, i finished and made it back to my seat. people even clapped (tho probably because they felt sorry for me). i sat thru the rest of the meeting with mild chest pains. see...that's what happens when you go for several minutes without breathing.
everyone says it's normal. everyone says it gets easier, the more you do it. but the thing is, the thought of doing it enough times to actually get to the point where it's easier, terrifies me. i mean, i'd rather skydive. i'd rather surf the dangerous reefs of samoa (ala surf girls). or play fear factor and eat bull testicles and goat eyeballs.
okay, so maybe not really. but close. i'd consider it.
contrary to my goal-driven capricorn nature, i haven't the slightest interest in overcoming this anxiety about public speaking. i'll just sit my happy ass in a chair and listen to everyone else speak, okay? mmm hmm, thanks.
4:10 PM
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