January 23, 2004
change & the comfort junkiei've been so busy that i haven't even had time to blog about it, but...
i've taken the new job.
you see, the "offer" made to me to stay late last week would have more appropriately been termed an "insult," on many levels. so...while i probably could have chosen to stay, i would not have respected myself in the morning. so it had to be done. i accepted the new job and gave my notice here on tuesday.
i was in shock for a few days. first, over the offer insult. no one likes to be told (in so many words) how completely unimportant and replaceable they are, especially when they know this to be false. second, over having to leave the place that has been my home—and (some of) its people, my family—for the last 9 years. i was in a total funk...couldn't stop crying...spent hours on the phone with my mother (who was distraught that we're a day's drive apart)...and went out drinking with "the boys" 3 nights in a row, which i haven't done in years. and i'm sure it still hasn't really hit me, even now.
late yesterday, the e-mail announcement of my impending departure went out. seconds later, my phone started ringing and my in-box started pinging. even if my boss and his superiors don't appreciate me—or even fully understand what it is that i do, and my impact on this operation—it's abundantly clear that my colleagues do. people are actually worried about how they will be able to do their jobs without me. i guess i can feel good about that.
i'm not to the point, yet, where i'm excited about my new job. i still have several weeks left here, and a lot to accomplish before i leave. and i'm sad. i can't even really explain my attachment to this place...it's somehow bigger than just the people i know, the things i've accomplished, the bad times i've survived. i just know that i feel sad when i think about leaving it.
and i'm scared. in the context of the rest of my life...more change is not what i wanted, or even what i thought i needed. i feel like i'm on that ride at the fair...where you get in the big giant cylindrical "room" and it spins around and around until the floor drops out. and you're glued to the walls by the centrifugal force.
but will my "floor" rise back up when the spinning stops? like it does on the ride? that's what i'm unsure about.
nope. no comfort zones, here. no-siree-robert.
1:30 PM
January 15, 2004
comfortthe alarm went off and i awoke to the pleasant drone of a voice on npr. before i was fully awake, there was my kala, all up in my face...thisclose. staring at me with her big green cat-eyes and doing that purr-breathing thing she does...a cross between the two that is all her own. even when i reached over to hit the “snooze” button, she didn’t move. she just sat there contentedly, all black and sleek and gorgeous...studying my face and, finally, brushing my cheek with her little pink sandpaper tongue.
still nestled in the crook of my knee was my harper lee. i think he spent the entire night in the same spot...his solid little body shifting with mine, riding the movements like a wave and settling back in when they ceased. harper lee is my beautiful, tabby-striped boy. he’s been with me since kittenhood and he’ll be 12 this spring. sometimes, when i ask him a question, he looks at me with his ice-blue eyes and nods his head, slowly...like a genie granting a wish in slow motion. he knows exactly what i say to him. i know it.
sure, sometimes they stay close to me purely for the body heat. and because they’re strictly indoor cats (there’s just too much danger beyond my doors), it’s not like they have a choice to live anywhere else. but this morning, i thanked them anyway. one by one, i gently held each of their little faces, looked them in the eyes, and thanked them, out loud, for being with me...and for comforting me when i need it (which, lately, is often)...and for all they bring to my life.
what we have, my felines and i? it’s love, in its purest form.
—inspired by michelle
3:47 PM
January 12, 2004
finallyso, yes. after much anticipation (and 3 inquiring calls from my mother in the last 20 hours), it's finally happened. i have an actual job offer. in writing. right here in my hot little hands.
i told my boss. he's "talking to people," to see if a reasonable offer can be made to entice me to stay. i really have no idea what they will say. people don't get 14% raises around here very often, if ever (unless they're those people who make tons of money for doing almost nothing; those kind of people seem to get whatever it is they want), but...dare i say it?...i deserve it. and my skills, experience, work ethic, attention to detail, and commitment to serving my clients—not to mention my wit, charm, intrigue, and endless supply of smarties—will be impossible difficult to replace.
i like that it's temporarily out of my hands...i.e., that i can't really make any decisions until i find out what (if anything) they're willing to do to make me stay.
we shall see....
5:42 PM
January 09, 2004
in the stars cloudsCapricorn Horoscope for week of January 8, 2004
Following Castro's revolution in 1959, 11-year-old Carlos Eire was exiled forever from his beloved homeland of Cuba. Raised in America, he became a Yale professor, but never lost his yearning for paradise lost. His recent memoir, Waiting for Snow in Havana, recounts his cherished memories. "In the past 38 years," he wrote, "I've seen 8,917 clouds in the shape of the island of Cuba." What's your equivalent, Capricorn? A missing treasure you're reminded of whenever you gaze upon the ripples in a lake? A fugitive dream that floats across your mind's eye as you're falling asleep? I predict you will be united with it in 2004. A crucial pointer will arrive soon. Watch the clouds. if rob brezsny is right, i will kiss him.
9:32 AM
January 06, 2004
14,243 days*you probably haven't yet noticed that one tiny detail on the template of this page has changed. that's not because it's twelfth night (or, more accurately, twelfth day). or because it's epiphany. it's because today is my birthday.
i'm 39 today, and i'm not even freaked out about it. i declared years ago that i would never, ever lie about my age...because it's one of those things that "most women" (and a lot of gay men) do that is just so wrong. i loathe this culture's obsession with youth and its progressive devaluation of people—women, in particular—as they grow older. we should get props for surviving! for making it through another year. for gaining a year's worth of experience and wisdom. but because i live within this culture, i'm subjected to all those subtle and not-so-subtle messages, just as everyone else is. and they seep into my consciousness sometimes, whether i want them to or not. so...maybe i am a little freaked out. not necessarily with this particular number, but because the next one seems to loom a bit ominously. and because on my last birthday, i never would have imagined that my life would look like this. some things you just never quite expect....
but anyway....
i took the day off, purely so that i wouldn't have to set my alarm and get up early (so of course, i woke up at 4...). no huge plans...today, i'm going to change the tag on my license plate and, while i'm at it, affix my new buckeye women's basketball license plate frame. i'm going to go stand in line at the bmv to renew my driver's license. i'm going for a haircut. and tonite, sandra's taking me to a movie and then out to dinner, which i'm looking forward to more than anything.
happy birthday to me. capricorns rule (right, anitra?).
* that's 365 x 39 + an estimated 8 extra days to account for the leap years.
10:19 AM
January 02, 2004
alieni went to a new year's eve party where i was the only woman among probably 20 gay, mostly white men. some of these guys i have known for a decade or more...most i wouldn't necessarily call "friends" (a term i think is thrown around all too loosely), but i join them every once in awhile for happy hour at a favorite spot, and have been doing so a little more regularly for the last 8 months or so. they're a fun group of guys and i've always felt comfortable with them. they call me "gorgeous," and comment on how much weight i've lost (even if no one else has), and tell me they love me (even tho i know they don't know me well enough to love me). yeah, they stroke my ego. and i admit that the attention sometimes feels good...but fuck it. my bruised and lonely little ego can use a little attention right about now.
so anyway, i'm chillin' with the boys, a couple of them in particular. it's close to midnite, so we've switched to champagne (which was actually quite good...i guess i'd never before had good champagne), and talking, and making plans for a joint capricorn birthday celebration next friday, when one of them—a guy whom i don't know all that well, but whom i've really come to like over the last few months...a guy i've been thinking i could maybe go to the movies with, or hang out with in some other non-drinking-type capacity—uses the n-word in reference to the upcoming martin luther king jr. holiday.
i was shocked. my eyes got really wide and my face got really hot and i couldn't even say anything for probably at least a minute. i kind-of moved away from him on the sofa and just looked at him. he realized that i was upset, and he started stumbling all over his apologies. i told him that using that word just wasn't cool, and he launched into the whole excuse of how (black) people where he works use that word all the time, blah blah blah...and i could hardly even believe that i was sitting there, having to explain to a 32-year-old man—up until that moment, someone i had thought i kinda liked, who perhaps could possibly become a friend—that that doesn't make it okay for him to use it. a whole big discussion ensued—also involving the words "dyke" and "f*g" (the latter of which i also avoid), and when it is and is not okay to use those words—which was then interrupted by the countdown to midnite...and i was actually glad. i was SO not in the mood for that conversation. and i was disappointed that i had to be having it in the first place, and having it with him.
a little later, another guy there—whom i've also gotten to know a little better in the past few months, and whom i'd also kind-of decided was pretty cool—wanted to ask me a question, which turned out to be: "why do you only date black women?" i explained that i didn't, that i had actually dated a number of white women in the past. which he countered with, "well, as long as i've known you, the only women you've been with have been black." which is true, but...SO?? he told me that maybe i would have more in common with white women...i guess he perceives that i've not had much in common with sandra or sherri, and that's why i'm alone again. and then, shortly after midnite, when a whole group of (white) lesbians from a neighboring party came strolling thru, he made some comment about "finding me one"...even tho i've told him more than once that i'm not even looking...and SO not interested in the dating thing.
*sigh*
to top off the evening, those whom i would call my friends (and all the lesbians) had left by 12:30 or so and, shortly thereafter, everyone else was headed off to the exile—a leather-and-levis-only club where women are not welcomed most nites, graphic drawings and photographs depicting man-on-man sex are plentiful, and the, uhhh, "furniture" includes cages, a giant "x" structure, and a rough wooden chair, the latter two of which are equipped with hand- and ankle-cuffs (which i only know because we've played darts there, on wednesdays when the cages have tabletops and the other stuff is shoved in the corner). people who had, earlier in the evening, expressed concern about how i would get home if i'd had too much to drink (which, fortunately, i hadn't) disappeared and i walked the block-and-a-half to my car alone.
could i have just read these guys totally wrong? am i making a bigger deal of their comments and actions than is warranted? or are my expectations of them simply too great? i don't know. amidst a group of people i've always been happy to be around...all of a sudden, i felt incredibly out of place. those conversations haven't quit bugging me, a day and a half later. and i feel let down. disappointed. and a little bit more lonely.
11:28 AM
blueso, no...i haven't been blogging. and it's been on purpose. i've been busy, but not that busy. i've just been...sad. parts of the whole holiday scene were enjoyable, but more parts were not. even with 2 jobs, i've just had WAY too much "alone time." it hasn't been pretty. in fact, it's been downright pathetic. but...it's my blog, and i'll whine if i want to (whine if i want to, whine if i want to...).
(if you stop reading right here, i promise i won't hold it against you.)
i don't want to be this sad, pathetic person. but i don't know what it's going to take to pull myself out of it. sure, i evade it for awhile by doing things that i like to do. spending time with enjoyable people. laughing when something is funny. playing with kala and harper lee. watching a lot of movies, and escaping into those worlds for a time. but escapism is only temporary. then it's back to being blue.
i know it's supposed to be okay to allow myself to feel the way i feel...but at the same time, i know this can't go on forever. i'm going have to figure out how to be happy on my own. but that just seems impossible. i cannot imagine real happiness without her...having experienced it with her.
i know, i know...it could be worse. a lot worse. i'm lucky that we even met (given the odds, geographic and otherwise, against it). i'm grateful that we've had the time together that we've had. that she has no interest in erasing me from her life. that we still spend quite a bit of time together. that there's even a possibility of reconciliation, sometime down the road. but...being thankful and being happy are not the same thing.
i want to be both.
10:48 AM
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