March 28, 2004
i'm baaaaack....on a completely different note....
the new job is good. i am completely and totally exhausted by a) the learning curve and b) the fact that i happened to start 3 weeks before 5 proposal deadlines fall within in a two-day period (april 1-2), so it's definitely a "trial-by-fire" kind of situation. i pretty much collapse every night when i get home and am worthless for anything more than feeding the cats, feeding myself (if i'm lucky), and getting my execu-drag ready for the following day. it's pitiful.
but it's all good. friday was a banner day. i gave a draft of a proposal to my boss, admitting to her that i felt like i was totally winging it. i mean, i really don't feel like i have the slightest idea what i'm doing. but she gave it back to me a few hours later, saying it looked great and she wouldn't change a thing. the program people still have to look it over, but...wow. that felt good. maybe i won't fall flat on my face and make them rue the day they ever hired me, after all.
and people there seem to be pretty cool. the whole "coming out" issue hasn't surfaced yet, so time will tell...but so far, so good. most everyone's been helpful and friendly and no one seems psycho (that's always a good sign).
the only really weird thing is that we are on total computer lockdown. no one is allowed access to their own hard-drives (thanks to all the renegades who downloaded all kinds of shit, fucked up their computers, and freaked out the computer support staff), so i can't do so much as change my own screen saver, let alone download software, delete cookies, or ensure the privacy of my own e-mail or web habits (no more blogging, no more shopping...it's downright crippling!). between that and making the mac-to-pc adjustment, i am not a happy computer user, at least not at work. and, after staring at the screen for 6-8 hours a day, i'm just not all that anxious to jump on the computer once i get home, especially given the exhaustion...hence, the blog-lag. it's just going to take some time to adjust and get into the habit of using my computer at home.
but...i guess that's why they call it "work". who knew?
1:52 AM
pathetic & stupidi haven't blogged in weeks...but here i am, at 1 a.m. on a saturday (or rather, sunday), blogging to keep myself from smoking a bowl and driving down to the club. where bad music is most certainly being played and where i most certainly have nothing to gain.
earlier tonite, i joined a friend, her new girlfriend, and her friend for drinks and then a local benefit production of the vagina monologues. it was surprisingly good, and a woman i used to date was a cast member. actually, we dated on two previous occasions...probably for a month about 13 years ago, and again for a couple of weeks about 7 years ago. basic incompatibility issues prevented us from ever being more than "dating," but i have always been drawn to her. she's a scorpio...and she's a black woman. historically, that combination gets me every time. but she also happens to be attractive. and smart. and talented. (and, as i recall, a really good kisser.)
so, after the show, we head over to the post-show reception at a nearby bar. i find myself watching the door, waiting for her to show up. what's that about? remember...i'm SO not dating. SO not even looking. i'm in love with someone. you know the story.
but she does show up, just as we're ready to leave. it's crowded...people are congratulating her...i don't know if she sees me or not. she makes her way to the back of the room and i lose sight of her. and then my companions are ready to move on to the next destination, so we leave.
a few hours later, i'm on my way home. debating whether or not to a) drive directly to the club and see if she's there; b) stop at home, smoke a bowl, and go to the club to see if she's there; c) go home and stay home.
this is ridiculous. what do i expect to gain?? worst case scenario, she's not there, i talk to no one (i haven't been out to this place in literally years...i'm sure i no longer know anyone who goes there), i spend money on drinks that i really don't need, or even want...and then i go home, feeling even more lonely than before. best case scenario, she's there...we talk...she flirts (which she has always done with me)...i flirt back...maybe we even kiss...and then i go home, feeling guilty and stupid and lonely and confused. how "best case scenario" is that??
you know why i wanted to run into her tonite? why i wanted to see her? because she pays attention to me (or at least, she has in the past). she says flirtatious, complimentary things. she makes me feel desirable. she makes me feel sexy. which is something i haven't felt in a very, very long time. i mean, c'mon...i lose 30 pounds, i'm feeling pretty good about myself...and my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years moves out. needs her space. leaves me with more space than i've ever wanted or needed.
oh, yeah...and did i mention the physical traits shared by this woman and sandra? short stature. glasses. chocolate skin. locs.
i am, like...so. fucking. pathetic.
1:07 AM
March 02, 2004
out the doorwell...one more day and i'm outta here. it feels weird. my office is almost completely devoid of character and personality, save for the lauryn, erykah, and meshell posters still on the wall. ahhhhh....i have so much history here. good and bad. these last few days, my boss has done a lot to remind me how fortunate i am to be leaving him behind. he gives a whole new range of meaning to the words, PATHETIC LOSER. trust.
i am so excited about our trip to indy for the tournament that i can't even verbalize it! having won 9 out of their last 10 games to place 3rd in the conference—including those against nationally ranked opponents—my buckeyes are playing better than they have all year. i have high hopes for them.
even better, this trip is feeling like the perfect way to transition between the old job and the new; i won't have a (work-related) thing to worry about while i'm gone and can just have fun. and i am SO looking forward to a block of uninterrupted time with sandra...where it doesn't end after just a few hours, leaving me wistful and sad and wishing things were more "normal." it will be hard when the long weekend comes to an end, i know...but i'm doing my best not to think about that and just seize the moment(s).
we're still trying to meet up with michelle and b, so that will be a good time for sure. plus, just being out of town is good sometimes. and then, after we get back home, i'll still have a few days to putter around the house, and relax...and make my cats love me again after they've been caged boarded at the vet for days and days.
see you all on the flip side.
6:19 PM
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