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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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April 19, 2005
6 years ago
today is the 6th anniversary of the unexpected death of my brother, jeff...way before his time. it never matters what else is going on in my life when this day rolls around each year...i always wake up feeling uneasy and sad, sometimes without even realizing why.
and then it hits me.
in addition to the terrible fact that he is gone--which is, of course, bad enough all by itself--there are 2 aspects of his death that have continued to haunt me:
- right before he died, while he was sick (with what, no one knew), i was going thru the craziest professional period of time that i had ever experienced, or have since. working 70+ hour weeks, totally stressed out about meeting impossible deadlines, in way over my head. so i didn't call him. each night as i came home, completely exhausted, unable to even reason clearly, i told myself that, once the deadline had been met and i was free of this particular project, i would call him. we would catch up. discuss the possibility of me going to visit.
- at the time of his death, i hadn't seen him, in person, in almost 5 years. so the image that pops into my head is not his tousled hair, his crooked smile, or that distinctive chuckle. it's the one from the funeral.
*sigh* this is just always a very fucked-up day.
4:27 PM
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