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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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August 29, 2002
trippin'in addition to preparedness, another positive aspect of being a "worrier" is that things are rarely as bad as you've anticipated. *grin*
our trip out west for my sister's wedding was wonderful. portland is a beautiful city in (what i think is) our country's most beautiful region. it was sunny and warm (but not too warm) the whole time we were there, except for some clouds the morning we left. downtown portland is lively, with lots to do and see within walking distance...shops (including the only doc martens store in the u.s.), movie theaters, restaurants, a mall, a sunken plaza-type area for festivals (we were there during festiva italia), and a coffee shop on almost every corner (at least half of them starbucks...booooo, hisssss). our hotel was very nice, with the most comfortable hotel mattress i've ever experienced (which made up for the rather small size of our room). we spent some time in the hawthorne district, which is where we would live if we ever moved there. and we caught a bit of the annual hawthorne street fair, where we saw an act by the lifesavas, a portland hip hop trio (yes....i just used "hip hop" and "portland" in the same sentence) with a cool, positive kinda vibe. if it weren't for the fact that we saw, like, 15 black people there the whole time (okay, that's exaggerating...but not much), i would be ready to look for a job in portland TODAY...it was that cool. but at least we're talking about going back for a vacation...maybe renting a car and driving up to seattle for a few days, too. if we time it just right next summer, we may be able to catch games in both places. *grin*
the wedding itself was lovely. my sister looked beautiful (even done up with that sprout of fake hair that her new husband didn't know was fake until she took it off with her veil that nite) in a simple, strapless white gown with just a little decorative beading and (thankfully) no lace. the church was tiny and quaint. pre-ceremony photographs were taken in the park on the riverfront, and s was included in the photos for the bride's side of the family and the whole group. *grin* we looked fabulous, too...s in a striking cream suit and gold blouse, me in ice-blue with a charcoal silk blouse and shoes that couldn't have matched better if they were supposed to. we looked like the "city mice" of the whole clan.
family-wise, i couldn't really have asked for it all to go more smoothly. my new brother-in-law's family, there from wisconsin and minnesota, was very nice, laid-back, and just real. the first nite we were there, his oldest sister talked and joked with s while i was preoccupied with other family members, and i think she really helped to make s feel welcomed. my family didn't do too badly with that, tho, themselves. my dad gave her a bone-crushing hug when we first walked in, and my mom, both sisters, sister-in-law (the one family member s had already met), nieces and nephews, and j (the new brother-in-law) greeted her warmly. it was wonderful to meet my "little" niece and nephew (ages 8 and 10...i was introduced as "the auntie lisa who sends great presents"...which i most certainly do), and even better to hang out with kim and chris, the older ones (ages almost-18 and 24), who have absolutely no hang ups about gayness—a tribute to their generation, as well as good parenting. among the 30-or-so buttons pinned to the strap of kim's bag was a rainbow button...and, along with chris and my sister-in-law (their mother), we all joked about how j and my sister had invited (and made sure that we knew they'd invited) their lesbian-couple (former) neighbors, so that s and i would have a couple of "friendly faces" at the wedding...as if the fact that they were lesbians would mean that we'd all like each other *rolling my eyes*.....but we never even met them! s and i actually spent quite a bit of time with chris and kim, especially chris. what a cutie. he's got my brother's hazel eyes, dry sense of humor, and dazzling personality (now if he would just get a job...*grin*). and kim, my niece, just started an actor training program at a nearby community college and has her sights set on ucla after that. i've never lived close enough to have the luxury of developing real relationships with them, and i haven't fooled myself into thinking that one long weekend has solved that...but i do feel fortunate to be able to know them at least a little bit. maybe the e-mail communication that has fallen flat in the past can be revived somewhat by the fact that we've discovered things (music, books) in common and have actually spent a little time together just chillin'. it was definitely a highlight of the trip.
lest i give the false impression that all was idyllic, there were a few awkward and painful moments...including how it felt to see someone else standing up with (and toasting to the happiness of) my sister, when i was originally supposed to do that...and trying to negotiate time spent with my parents (which must be time spent with them individually), an all too common trap whenever i'm anywhere near both of them simultaneously. there was also the fact that ol' dub'ya was in town the day we arrived, portlanders were protesting his very presence (i knew i liked it there...we woke friday morning to sing-song chants of "bush is an asshole!"), streets were blocked off, and we spent 2+ hours driving in painfully slow circles around downtown, trying to navigate the maze of one-way streets to get to our hotel. overall, tho, i enjoyed seeing my family (however screwed up they are), meeting j's family, and "incorporating" the most important person in my life into the whole big mess.
2:28 PM
August 21, 2002
goin' to the chapelwe're leaving for portland in the morning, for my sister's wedding weekend. it should be quite the interesting trip, given the abundance of weird family dynamics:don't you wish you could come along? *grin*
3:40 PM
August 15, 2002
friends & loversj was talking yesterday about friendship with lovers and with exes, and my comments got so lengthy that i decided they needed to become a blog of my own.
friendship has always been a huge part of my relationships. in fact, that's how most of my relationships started; we were friends first, and it eventually grew into something more. i can't imagine not being friends with my lover. if we weren't friends, what would we talk about? would we enjoy doing things (other than sex) together? would we feel connected in ways that don't depend on sex? would we trust each other? would we be there to offer each other support and encouragement during times of personal and professional challenge? those are the kinds of things i do and share with my friends. not sharing them with my lover/partner would seem...well, weird.
even so, i never used to remain friends with my exes (despite the stereotype that lesbians always do). i think, for me, it was mostly a matter of having been so terribly hurt, that i didn't want to face them...to be reminded of that pain, long after it should have been only a memory.
a full year after one particularly painful breakup, i ran into my ex while in d.c. for the 1993 march on washington. just my luck, out of more than a million "extra" people there that weekend, the one person whom i did not want to see (she had moved to another state, so until then, i hadn't had to) happened to be on the same train as my friends and me. she was all, "hey! how are you?!" and big smiles, big hug...and i freaked. i started crying and could barely speak. finally, she had the decency to just walk away. mostly, i recall my friend, steven, running over to a vendor and, in an effort to cheer me up, buying me a "yabba dabba dykes!" t-shirt with betty and wilma (from the flinstones) all hugged up and kissing on each other. i was fine...but shaken. all that pain had come rushing back as soon as i saw her face.
my last breakup (almost 5 years ago) was very different, tho, and a little strange...the person who was there for me, consoling me thru it, was sherri...the person who had just left me after 4 years!! i love(d) her, and i knew that leaving me was what she needed to do, for herself, for her own emotional health. so while it was actually more painful than past breakups, in many ways—i think because we'd been together for a long time, and she was the first lover i'd ever shared a home with—at least i felt like i was doing the right thing by "letting her go" (not that i could have stopped her...but i think you know what i mean). the day she moved out (which, incidentally, was the day of princess diana's funeral), i gave her a copy of paul monette's sanctuary: a tale of life in the woods, an exquisite little book about a fox and rabbit (both female) who fall in love. even then, i knew then i would always love her, no matter what happened.
today, sherri is (next to s) my nearest and dearest friend. we're family. actually, considering the extreme dysfunction of our biological families—we're better than family. amazingly, she and s have grown closer to each other, too (despite some rather rocky moments when s and i first got together)...and now we're ALL family. they are the 2 people in this world whom i love and trust most, and without whom i can't even imagine my life (and it's too, too scary to even try to go there...). it's certainly not how i would have ever expected it to turn out...but it's a beautiful thing.
3:44 PM
August 14, 2002
didn't get itthe job, that is. in fact, i didn't even make it to the 4th interview. but i think it's actually a good thing. just wasn't meant to be. which means that something else probably is.
i'm actually relieved...maybe even more than i'm disappointed. is that normal?? i don't even care. i'm tired of worrying about it. tired of dressing in suits...and "toning down" my look by wearing less jewelry. and you know what else? i'm tired of talking about it. so i'll be uncharacteristically brief and leave it at that.
except to say...thanks to several of you for your support and encouragement. you rule.
4:17 PM
August 09, 2002
yikesi got a call yesterday from the woman with whom i interviewed for a new job a couple of weeks ago, asking if i'd come in again. we scheduled it for monday (a vacation day for me), but then she called back to ask if i was available to come in today. so "in again" i went, this morning.
i loathe job interviews. i've never been a "salesperson," in the stretch of anyone's imagination, and interviews are really all about "selling" yourself...which a) feels kinda sleazy, and b) is really challenging for anyone with lifelong self-esteem issues. even when i'm one of the people doing the interviewing, i don't like interviews. i know that you have to figure out the "fit" of potential candidates somehow, but interviews seem the very cruelest of ways to accomplish that.
nonetheless, it went well. i had been concerned about this second meeting with just her, as she'd indicated 2 weeks ago that "next steps" included interviews with the department staff (whom, should i be hired, would report to me) and the supervising vice president. as it turns out, she had a couple of questions that she wasn't sure we'd covered the first time around, due to repeated interruptions from said vice president...which, i discovered later, turned out to be related to the announcement that the university had just hired a new president—months sooner than anyone not associated with the selection process had anticipated (i.e., a legitimate reason for the interruptions).
i'm now invited back for the 3rd (with the staff) and 4th (with the vice president) interviews next week. this is where the "YIKES" comes in. as if worrying and being nervous about the interviews, themselves, weren't enough, i find myself worrying about (already!) problems i'll have if i'm hired: whether or not they'll offer a salary i'm comfortable with...if they're still sticking to their goal of having the new person in place by september 1 (which—given what i'd need to wrap up here, and the fact that i'm out for a week for my sister's wedding in 2 weeks—seems utterly impossible)...how i could ever wrap up all the loose ends here in time...how much time it's going to take to go through my files to "weed and pitch" and assemble those projects that i want to take with me for my "portfolio" (i've been here 5+ years)...what i need to do to "erase" my existence from the hard drive of this computer...what new route i'll have to take to get from s's office (where i drop her off each morning) to my (potential) new one, and how long it will take (yes, i went there already! *lol*)...and countless other things that should not even be crossing my mind at this point.
needless worry is the downside of being an anal-retentive planner (yes, i'm a capricorn.). it serves me well much of the time, because worry about what could potentially go wrong with any given meeting, project, or plan can enable me to figure out how to actually prevent those things from going wrong...and i score major points for being thorough. other times, tho...worry threatens to completely stifle me. i just overdo it. sometimes i long to be this completely happy-go-lucky, worry-free person...but that is so not me. s is forever reminding me to just chill. even if i look relaxed, chances are, my mind is spinning 17,362 miles per minute in 1,463 directions (and she can see it in my eyes *grin*).
yesterday, as i perused the greeting card section at target for the perfect "thank you" card for our student worker (who's off to law school next week), a smiling woman approached me and said:"excuse me...but i saw your face...and...well, i'm an independent consultant for mary kay cosmetics, and would you like to be a face model during my meetings?"
maybe i should take her up on that offer, and forget all this worry about a job i don't have yet. *grin*
oops...i almost forgot the really big news: like nappi, i'm genevieve!
take the which one of the trading spaces cast are you? quiz!
vern is my favorite designer, but gen's cool. what a relief...i took the whole quiz, uhhh, worried that i'd end up being laurie or doug. :)
2:09 PM
August 06, 2002
loose endsokay, so i know i've been a bit all over the place lately...probably an indication of how unfocused and disjointed i've been feeling, in general...but i'll return briefly to a couple of topics that seemed to generate some interest awhile back:
first, there was the july 21st ursula rucker show at little brother's. for those of you unfamiliar, ursula is a spoken-word artist from philly who has worked with such artists as bahamadia and the roots. live—on stage with just "tim (motzer) and his toys"—she was intensely personal one moment, and delivering searing societal critiques the next. there were probably only about 50 people there, which really surprised me...the last poets drew a nearly-packed house at the same venue in january...but those who missed it because it was a sunday nite, or because they're just not hip to ursula yet, really missed a great show. honestly, tho...other than GO SEE HER LIVE if you can, i don't have too much else to say, mostly because i haven't yet bought her cd (tho it's been on my list since december). fast-approaching tour dates include new york, toronto, vancouver, seattle, portland (we'll miss her by 5 days when we're there for my sister's wedding), san francisco, and los angeles. ?uestlove will join her in toronto, vancouver, and seattle, and michael franti (of spearhead) in san francisco (and i'm SO wishing i could be there for that one).
having mentioned the last poets, i suppose i should say that the evening began with umar bin hassan. i don't know whether it was because i was predisposed to dislike him (due to the gratuitious homophobia sherri and i and the rest of the crowd endured at the january concert), because he was less powerful without the rest of the poets (i missed the drums, in particular), or because he and his guitarist were each howling into the mic and creating all sorts of dreadful feedback...but i wasn't feeling him at all. i took away more from the local poet named ed ("just ed") than i did from the guy who's oft considered a forefather of rap and hip hop.
second, a few of you have also wondered what happened with my recent job interview. i was excited about it, as jobs that i actually want here at the university (which is where i want to stay as long as i live here) have been few and far between. but while it went well (at least i thought it did), i haven't heard anything about a second interview, which they had hoped to do last or this week. i don't know if that means that i'm out of the running, or that there's just too much else (e.g., this) going on for them to focus on their hiring goals. whatever the case, i'm having lunch next week with the person who vacated the position in question, to get the scoop on why she left. maybe i don't want the job after all....
finally, in recent news....you may recall my mention of a fender-bender during a recent day off...where i rear-ended someone else while distracted by kala, my recently-immunized-feline-in-distress, who was doing some pretty major howling of her own. well, karma came reeling around the planet back at me yesterday, when someone rear-ended us at a stoplight while we were on our way back to eastern bay to pick up the kung pao shrimp they'd neglected to include in our order the first time around. fortunately no one was hurt (or at least not that we can tell at this point)...and even the car suffered just a minor scratch...but i was irked that i couldn't even be mad at the woman who hit us, because i'd done the same thing just 2 weeks ago! i swear...it has something to do with the fact that i bought out my lease on the 'rolla in april. as soon as the car is mine, we can't seem to stop colliding with other cars. i guess i'd better start wearing my seat belt....
1:43 PM
August 05, 2002
20 questions(some of them rhetorical...)
1) why do radio stations bleep out words like "panties," but not words like "faggot"?
2) why do most white people in this country think that issues of race aren't their concern?
3) was anyone else moved to tears by jason's recent discussion of race?
4) am i the only person disturbed by the previews for anna nicole smith's upcoming new show?
5) why do (many) lesbians who frequent strip clubs think that those who don't are prudes?
6) why does ashanti look like a monchichi? (and why does everyone think she's so cute?)
7) is being someone's "chick" her biggest aspiration?
8) why does ja rule look like jiminy cricket?
9) why did i not know about the 2000 biopic, hendrix (starring wood harris, aka avon barksdale of the wire), until a month ago?
10) what is it about the wire's sonja sohn that's so sexy?
11) am i the only person on the planet who doesn't like sex in the city?
12) why can't r. kelly just take responsibility for his actions, instead of whining about needing a hug?
13) why do radio stations play crap like that ad nauseum, but refuse to play songs by meshell (no matter how often i request them)?
14) could an entity possibly be more hypocritical than the catholic church?
15) how can anyone here maintain that "sexism is dead," when this 132-year-old institution just hired its first female president?
16) how long will the male vice presidents last? *grin*
17) sweet potato sushi...who would've thought?
18) why are so many people scared of clowns?
19) will it ever cool off?
20) will i ever shut up?
2:16 PM
August 02, 2002
corpse of the weekthanks to jason, i just discovered that...
I'm a corpse, who are you? Six Feet Under Quiz by Turi.
i love the show...but DAMN...!
4:15 PM
the revealwithout further ado...
1) yep, i lunched with martin scorsese. so what if about 90 other people were there, too?? *grin* it was at the award luncheon for the wexner prize, which marty received in 1997 from the wexner center for the arts, where i worked at the time.
2) it's true (yes, nappi...it was really a BOY *lol*)...and the red ink on that letter was blazing, lemme tell ya. it was one of my finest "fuck you" moments. (don't spread it around, but that's about as malicious as i get....)
3) at a student event during his 1995 retrospective at the aforementioned wexner center, ol' roy did, indeed, play twister (benday dots, twister dots...get it?) with a group of osu students and i did, indeed, witness it. it was quite a sight.
4) while it's true that i started both college and graduate school without ever having visited those campuses prior to the day i moved there, i visited my new high school (as a soon-to-be junior) 3 times prior to enrolling. perhaps i should have tried to stump you guys by focusing on the reason for those visits (i drove the 100+ miles to my new school for practices and tryouts)...for some reason, people have a hard time picturing me as a cheerleader. *grin*
5) i met clinton and gore during the 1995 midwest economic conference, held on campus. after the requisite background check, i was on hand to help organize their visit to wexner center.
congratulations, mike and ej!
12:22 PM
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