|
|
| |
|
|
| |
i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
November 26, 2003
indy on the flyhere it is wednesday already, and i haven't even blogged about last weekend yet (like i said, there's a lot going on....)! between friday evening and sunday afternoon basketball games with sandra, i made a quick trip to indianapolis on saturday to meet the illustrious ej, who was there visiting his friend, rod. after spending a hugely enjoyable afternoon with them both—making me feel as if i had known them forever and we'd spent countless such afternoons together—the day got even better when we hooked up later, for dinner, with rod's partner, darryl, and the fabulous michelle and belinda. it all went by too fast—dinner broke up around 9:30, and i was starting my 2 1/2-hour drive back home by 10—but it was wonderful to meet everyone, put a couple of faces to names blogs, and just spend some time together. i hope we can do it again.
an unexpected side benefit of the trip was talk of a possible part-time gig in the not-so-distant future, teaching an online english course for rod, who heads up a communications department at a local community college. if we can work it out, this "non-phone person" could potentially give up her new part-time job doing telephone surveys...ummm, YAY?!
i am thankful for the wonderful people i know, who bring so much to my life. have a beautiful holiday, y'all.
1:36 PM
November 25, 2003
overwhelmedlast week was an exhausting whirlwind from which i'm still recovering. in addition to the stuff you already know about, here's what's rocking my world:
the part-time gig
last monday, i stopped by this market research joint after yoga class, to apply for a part-time job. i don't really want another job, mind you...i value my free time enormously, and i work hard enough at my real job...but i've discovered that free time is a) a lot less fun without a certain someone with whom to share it; and b) more expendable than the time, energy, and money it would take to find a new place to live and move into it. and anyway, i can keep busy, stay out of apple-martini-serving bars trouble, and pick up a pittance a bit of extra cash to alleviate some financial stress, all at the same time.
so tuesday, they called to do a phone interview. wednesday, i went in for 3 1/2 hours of training. thursday, i worked my first 4-hour shift. last nite, i worked my second. *whew* it's nothing special. i'm doing telephone surveys...or at least attempting to. in two 4-hour shifts, i have only completed two surveys. the rest of the probably hundreds of calls i made ended in various other ways, including copious hang-ups during my introduction (despite my sexy pleasant phone voice), disconnected numbers, requests for call-backs, determinations that no qualified participants were available, and a man telling me i was rude for calling him at 9:25 p.m. (with which i really couldn't disagree).
it's not a bad job, nor is it difficult...and i only have to work 12 hours a week, so even the fact that i'm not "a phone person" isn't that big of a deal (but ohhh, the irony...). the thing is, because we're calling californians for this project, most shifts are 8:30 pm to 12:30 am...so, by the time i get home, i'm tired, but just wound-up enough that i can't go to sleep. last nite, the last time i looked at the clock, it was 2:30...which is awfully close to my 6 o'clock alarm. *yawn*
the potential new full-time gig
one week ago (last tuesday), i met some people for coffee re: a new job opportunity, and i think i blew them away; i have an interview with their bosses next week. it sounds like a great job...the salary is probably ~14% more than i make now, i would have the word, "director" in my title, and i could get away from my boss things here that have made my life hell at various and numerous times over the last 6 1/2 years.
the down side (you know there always is one) is that, because i would be leaving the university, this job would not bring with it the truly fabulous benefits i have now...in terms of vacation and sick leave, retirement savings, medical insurance and coverage, and pretty much everything else. i'm not even sure if i could still get my season tickets.... *sigh*
another factor concerns our department's new vice president (my boss's new boss). less than an hour after my pre-interview coffee meeting last tuesday, i attended our first all-staff meeting with our new leader. already, he seems to have plans to shake things up a little, in a GOOD way...in ways that could potentially benefit me directly. in addition, the guy has already set foot in my office twice, in less than 3 weeks, while his predecessor did not cross my threshhold once—in 6 whole years. so of course, these phenomena must be factored into (possible) decision-making about the potential new gig...i.e., how can i leave NOW, when some of the worst and most frustrating things about this department might actually change for the better??
so of course, i am fretting over a decision that i may not ever even have to make...because that is just my way.
further complicating the process of learning more about this job to discover whether or not i really want it (i.e., next week's interview) is the fact that i have lost 25 pounds. while that's not really a lot, considering the weight at which i started (trust me; it's not), my problem is that my clothes no longer fit—particularly my business attire and most noticeably, the pants. i went out and bought a new suit (fortunately, at half-price) for last week's meeting, but i'm hardly in the position to keep doing that. suits are expensive, especially when you're not exactly petite, you have a modicum of style, and you're a woman—which means you can't just change the shirt and the tie for a whole new look.
(note: i just returned from 1) a little trip to a consignment shop, where i spent $42 on 3 like-new talbot's silk blouses in different colors—3 sizes smaller than i would have purchased a year ago *grin*; and 2) a session with a seamstress (is there a more modern word for that??), who will charge me ~$125 to alter 2 suits and 5 extra pairs of pants. i think it will be money well spent.)
the art of diversifying diversity
this is a good something, but it's still a little overwhelming, especially in combination with all of the above and below. one day last week, after leaving me hanging for hours in between her cryptic e-mails, my department's hr director stopped by to talk. remember when i was booted off the diversity committee because of some comments i had made about this department not being welcoming toward glbt staff? well...i'm back ON the committee now. it turns out that said hr director was meeting with the interim vice president—one of those responsible for booting me from the committee—and the new vice president, and the topic of the committee came up. the hr person said, to the interim vp: "other areas of the university are doing some interesting things with respect to diversity, and i think we can, too. but we need motivated people who can lead the committee to actually accomplish something...and you know who i'm talking about." when the new vp asked who they were talking about, my name was said, and the rest is history. i don't know if i'll ever be empowered to get anything done...but at least i'm back on the damned committee! now, if i could just find some time to review the materials for tuesday's meeting....
the dog-and-pony show
i am co-presenting at a huge conference in december. did i mention that i am terrified of speaking in front of groups?? i can't even remember how i got myself into this, but i could just... *kicking myself*
so, yeah...i've got some shit going on.
2:38 PM
hers & minefrom the latest issue of girlfriends magazine:scorpio
you've put in a whole lot of effort recently, dear scorp', and we're darned proud of you! your next step sounds dull, a little routine, but it's oh-so-crucial: the simple maintenance of this situation you've gotten off the ground. it's your challenge to make the caretaking dynamic and loving.
capricorn
if it makes you feel any better, capricorn, it's not just you: everyone's having a shitty month. but you know how to deal with frustration, loss, and fear; you've done a lot of work around these buggers, so don't let them intimidate you. do let yourself feel your feelings. but, please, guard against making a lifestyle out of feeling crappy. every once in awhile? these things are right on the money.
9:23 AM
November 15, 2003
hey...thanks.i just want to thank all of you (you know who you are) for your thoughts, your comments, your e-mails, your instant messages, your calls, and your "wish list" surprises.
much love. you rock.
9:25 AM
November 06, 2003
5 years, 6 months, & 8 daysi didn't want to go straight home last nite, nor did i feel like working out...so i ran some errands, bought hideously fat- and carb-laden brach's malted milk balls (try them and you'll never eat another whopper), and went to see matchstick men at the dollar theater. it was all right...a little long. i'm not a big nic cage fan, really, but i thought alison lohman was great. i had just seen her in white oleander over the weekend (did anyone else notice that her eyebrows changed color from scene to scene? stuff like that really annoys me...), but i thought she was much better this time around.
i cried all the way home. i'm all, sobbing at the stoplights. i couldn't even listen to my life's soundtrack, because i knew that would only make it worse. and i hate the radio (for the most part), so i drove in silence. and in dread. finally, i was home...the porch light was on (which was weird). i went inside and was greeted by the cats, as usual.
downstairs, things didn't look too different...she hadn't taken her cds, dvds, books...or her guitar (a birthday gift from me a couple of years ago). but upstairs was what i really dreaded, anyway. after feeding my ravenous felines and checking my messages (2 from sandra, one from niq), i called my mom, and then my dad; they had each left messages for me in the last couple of days, which i hadn't yet returned...and i figured i should probably give them the news, anyway. i had been dreading this; they just met sandra a little over a year ago, and i was afraid they would not really understand, and think badly of her. but they were understanding. and supportive. mom, more so than dad...but i think that's only because he has such difficulty talking about anything emotional (it's "how he was raised," he says). they both expressed hope that we would get back together eventually...which, if you knew how far they've come since i came out to them back in the late '80s, would impress you.
then, i called sandra. i just wanted to hear her voice. and to make sure she was all right. she sounded sad...like me...but okay. she told me a little bit about her apartment (a second-floor, one-bedroom flat), the neighbor she had met, and the new-apartment bargains (iron and ironing board, pots-and-pans-with-utensils set, swiffer wet-jet) she'd found at walmart. it was so strange to say "good nite" to her over the phone, knowing that she wasn't 100 or 500 or 1,000 miles away, but only a few.
finally, sometime around midnite, i went upstairs. "our" room actually didn't look very different...just the absence of the tv and the dvd player gave away the changes (she hadn't yet taken the beautifully framed bernard stanley hoyes print i'd given her for our 5th anniversary). vast changes in the spare room, tho. no futon, no nightstands. half the "wall of shoes" now empty. opening up drawers and the closet, i found a lot of new space.
by this time, it was going on 1 a.m....i knew i had to get to sleep. it was strange not to have a television in the room, and to know that i couldn't fall asleep to the smooth r&b channel on music choice, as we have for years. i got into my pajamas and into bed, ate hideously fat-laden dry roasted peanuts (excepting a granola bar and the aforementioned malted milk balls, all i'd had to eat in over 24 hours), listened to depressing news about the world on npr, and browsed thru a harry & david catalog for potential x-mas gifts. finally, i turned out the light, grabbed my big stuffed black bear (a "just because" gift from sandra), and closed my eyes. sleep came sooner than i had thought it would.
rather than do without 2 small conveniences now gone from the house—and be constantly and painfully reminded of how my life has changed this week—today, i spent charged $250 (minus a $5.50 "price match guarantee" refund and a $5.00 (r)ebate) for a new 19" tv/dvd combo and a cordless phone with caller id (essential for efficient call screening), and will go tonite to pick them up at sears. i'm not really supposed to be spending money right now, but at least i didn't splurge on either the 24" or 27" sony tv that i really wanted.
and besides...a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
3:20 PM
November 05, 2003
"s" is for...or, a house is not a home (thanks, luther.)
for our entire relationship, s always traveled a lot more than i did, visiting various friends and family in different places across the country. her absences always felt really strange to me; the house was just "empty" without her in it. it was literally years into our relationship before i could drop her off at the airport without driving away in tears. even tho i had usually made plans to get together with neglected friends while she was gone, and it wasn't that i was just going to be sitting around moping until she got back, i hated the thought of missing her as much as i did...of feeling the void that she left, when she was gone. my imagination would run wild with thoughts of how horrible it would be if i somehow lost her. wondering if and how i would cope if something terrible happened. or if, for some reason, we simply ended up not being together.
and then...it would be time for her to come home. i'd pick her up from the airport, and we'd go to dinner at one of our favorite haunts, and go home. to our home. which always felt warm and full of love when we were there together. (i swear i'm not making that up, or using a string of dumb clichés...it's really always felt that way.)
tonite, i will go home to a house that is no longer her home. she told me last nite that it was, indeed, happening today (despite issues at work that she thought might prevent her from taking today off). we cried a lot...hugged a lot...watched law and order: svu...and i went to bed alone, while she sorted things and started packing, having promised to snuggle up to me when she came to bed (in that way that we do). this morning before work, we negotiated the division of clothing and, after her 9 a.m. meeting, she was headed back home to pack up and wait for the movers.
i am not with her. but my heart is.
oh, and in case you've ever wondered..."s" is for sandra.
4:15 PM
November 04, 2003
bittersweetafter work yesterday, i went to pick up sherri and niq from the airport while s took ja'nique (age 10) and all the kids' stuff (including clothes, books, toys, dvds, a 13" television, and various leftover food items) back to their place to meet robert (15) and lamont (6), who had been waiting there since after school. and so our 10 days with 3 kids came to an end.
we're both exhausted, but honestly? it was not really as difficult as we had anticipated...or as sherri had assured us that it would be. we had most of a weekend to settle in and get used to each other, and then we got our routines worked out early on. s and i managed to get everyone to school on time each morning (okay, so lamont was about 3 minutes late one day), and everyone fed a nutritious dinner (at the dining room table, no less...we almost never eat at the table), bathed, and to bed at a reasonable hour each night. in between and on the weekends, we even had some fun. we carved pumpkins, went bowling, went to the movies, went out for a nice dinner, and played around at home. we laughed a lot. and i didn't even have to miss yoga (tho i did miss one workout).
we especially enjoyed allowing the kids to experience things they either never had, or that they don't get to do on the regular: everything from nickelodeon and the cartoon network (they don't have cable at home)...to the computer and internet (which they only know from school)...to shishkebabs (which they delighted in assembling themselves) and sushi (albeit mostly the non-raw-fish varieties). i also signed up robert for a 3 1/2-hour saturday video workshop for teenagers, put on by the wexner center. he was skeptical at first, but ended up loving it...his video got the most applause.
we had our moments. a couple of lies, concerning who did what that they weren't supposed to. having to tell robert 14 times to take a shower. getting them all to quit talking and playing and go to sleep. mitigating lamont's fear of the cats...especially kala, who can be mean to people who aren't me. dealing with the ways in which lamont is not like most kids his age (he's mildly autistic). but they are good kids, all 3 of them. well-behaved and considerate (for the most part). sweet and affectionate. willing to help out around the house.
it was not really how i would have chosen to spend my last full week 10 of my last 11 days with s, before she moves into her new apartment. but maybe, in some ways, it was better. i was forced to focus on something other than us and what we're going thru, rather than being able to wallow in the state of hyper-emotion that i've been in for the last several weeks. and we were able to enjoy each other, and the kids, and to actually have some fun.
but it's bittersweet.
11:38 AM
|
|
| |
|
| |
