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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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February 14, 2005
v-daya month or so ago, i was chatting with a co-owner of one of my fave hangouts, and he was telling me how he already had a bunch of dinner reservations for valentine's day. he said to me, "now, we'll just have to get you married off by then, so you can come in for dinner, too." i was like...yeah. right.
but then...? i ran into v (whom i had first met several months ago) . for the first time, we had an actual conversation. a week later, she surprised me by showing up at the capricorn party (a capricorn herself, she had thought the energy would be good. it was). not that i'm "married off" or anything. and there are no u-hauls involved. but there have been these last three weeks....
once again, i find myself back at the new vibe. can i just say, "wow"?! it sure is nice to actually have a "valentine" on valentine's day. she has to work tonight, but we had our own little celebration yesterday. even better...every day is "v-day." *grin* happy valentine's day to you. spread the love.
1:58 PM
February 09, 2005
remembrance of things past
(props to will shakespeare & marcel proust)
i’m thinking, now, that the very act of putting a new vibe out into the universe is automatically “shakin’ shit up in the ‘05.” no time wasted here!
while checking my e-mail one morning a coupla weeks ago, i discovered a message from someone from my past. someone with whom i was once in love...someone with whom i had a kinda-sorta off-and-on (mostly off) thing for about 2 years, but with whom i’ve had almost no contact in nearly 13. someone who not only broke my heart, but whose subsequent and utter carelessness with my feelings had me feeling like it'd been ripped it out of my chest, flung to the ground, and stomped to bloody shreds (tho i eventually came to realize that i’d completely set myself up for that very thing).
now? after all this time? she wants my forgiveness. she wants to “know [me] again.” and for me to know her.
it so happens that i’d had literally no sleep the night before discovering this e-mail, which may have contributed to the wide range of things that i felt upon reading it. feelings like:
* surprise: why is she contacting me now, after all these years?
* shock: i’ve googled myself, and my blog doesn’t come up. how the hell did she even find me?
* irritation: the nerve that she even tried! that she is asking for anything from me!
* nostalgia: we did have some good times together....
* a little residual sadness: how could i have thought i’d found my soul mate, only to have it end how it did?
* self-forgiveness: but i was young. and naive. and stupid.
* self-satisfaction: see? i knew she’d regret breaking my heart one day.
* uncertainty: do i respond? if so, what is there to say?
* apathy: do i even care?? it was all so long ago. and it's so far outside my circle of priorities right now.
i haven’t responded...haven’t really decided whether or not i even will. tho i’m guessing she’ll be reading this not long after i’ve posted it (ohhhh, the wonder that is the IP address...).
an interesting few weeks, indeed.
4:27 PM
February 04, 2005
life's a tripit’s funny...when you put a new vibe out into the universe, you can sometimes sense that it’s been recognized. by whom or what, i’m not sure...being agnostic, i’m not sure that i ever will. but sometimes, things? things just start to happen. people are drawn to you. opportunities flow your way. life starts to look a little different. more exciting, maybe, or just more interesting.
early last week, i was perusing updates to the most definitive meshell web site ever and took note of her european tour this spring to promote the spirit music jamia: dance of the infidel, her long-awaited new jazz album. on a whim, i checked airfare prices, just to see. well, between $650 and $800 for airfare alone just didn’t seem feasible, so i dismissed it as just another of my crazy ideas.
the next day, i got an e-mail from deshi, with a subject line reading “crazy idea.” and i had a feeling.
to make a long story short, i’m flying to chicago in april, where i’ll join deshi on a plane to london. we’ll spend 2 nights there, the second of which we’ll see meshell and the spirit music jamia at the jazz cafe. the following morning, we’ll board a plane to amsterdam, where we’ll see the show again (!) at the paradiso. we'll then have an entire day and evening to explore the city that's been on my top-3 list of places to visit for YEARS, and see what kind of trouble we can get into.
and it really is happening. we still have some reservations to make, but we've bought tickets for both concerts and have one of the hotel rooms reserved.
now, first...i’ve never before been abroad. sure, i’ve been to canada several times, including vancouver and toronto and a pristine lake in northern ontario. i’ve also been about 3 steps into mexico, to shop in a little border town across the rio grande. but europe? it's just never been in my cards. i was supposed to go to london for a class when i was in college, either my sophomore or my senior year, but the money was just never there. and then, when i was planning to visit my sister in barcelona while she was living there, my job was suddenly eliminated, and the money i'd been saving for the trip had to be used for rent.
second...while deshi and i have been e-mailing each other for years, since we first met on a (now-defunct) meshell message board...we really don't know each other all that well. we did meet for dinner a little over a year ago, when i was in chicago presenting at a conference...and we had talked on the phone a few times prior to making arrangements for this trip. still, "european travel companions" is not what i would have pegged us. yet it became apparent that she is the only person i know who would and could actually travel to europe specifically to see a meshell show, and vice versa. so it's gonna be great.
yeah...life’s a trip, for real. *grin*
3:58 PM
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