June 10, 2005
 off to iowaafter taking tomorrow to decompress after this hectic week, sunday i'll be embarking on my first trip to iowa in almost 2 years. i'll get to see this little guy (for the first time since labor day), as well as my sister, brother-in-law, parents, and various other relatives...most of whom just want to see jeffy, but are feigning interest in seeing me, too. just to be polite.
it's a long, solitary 10-hour drive that i dread...but once i'm there, it will be good to see everyone and to kiss this little boy's face. i will be all OVER those cheeks.
and i need to see my parents. mom turned 73 this year, and dad is about to turn 72. they are both in excellent health for their ages, but still...you just never know. despite the things they've put me through since i was born, i love them and always will, and will be devastated when it's their time to leave this life. so i need some time with them while they're still here.
send me your "safe travel" vibes. i still don't have a cell phone, but i did just make a big sign that says, "PLEASE CALL 911." you know...just in case.
3:28 PM
May 24, 2005
disappointed
so. i broke things off with v last week. just a few days shy of what would have been 4 months. this is just the second time, ever, that i’ve broken up with someone (the first being just last fall).
it had been coming for awhile...since not long after i had returned from my trip to london and amsterdam. there was a series of 3 events--the second of which happened the very day after i got back--during which her behavior really bothered me...it just wasn’t what i want to see from the person with whom i’m involved (for various reasons, upon which i won’t elaborate). but then there were other things too, that i just couldn’t seem to get over. seemingly small, insignificant things...but when taken together, they added up to bigger things. it took me weeks to get to a place where i knew that breaking up was the right thing to do. i talked to her the day that it crystallized for me...last thursday.
but it wasn’t soon enough. she feels betrayed, and that i lied to her...which, essentially, is true. i allowed her to think that everything was "okay" between us, when it wasn’t. deep down, i think she knew that it wasn’t...but i told her it was, and she believed me. i tried to explain that i talked to her as soon as i could...as soon as i was emotionally able to do it...but it was still too late.
i love her, and i feel terrible for hurting her.
and i miss her. her presence in my house. her sweet, romantic gestures, like flowers for no reason, or the fabulous meals she’d prepare. other little things she’d do for me, like bringing in the mail and wheeling the garbage can back to its place on trash day. the way that she’d come home from work, look at harper lee (my beloved 13-year-old cat, whom she loves), and say, "i thought about you all day." her deep, deep brown eyes...and the way they lit up when she looked at me. her caramel skin. her full, pink, freckled lips. her high, cherokee cheekbones. the line of her collarbone. her perfect breasts. her flat, smooth belly. her long arms and strong hands. the curve of her ass....
we connected in so many ways. intellectually. emotionally. physically. i marveled at the fact that sometimes, we actually talked about books during sex.
it struck me that, when you break up with somone, you mourn not just what you’ve lost, but what you had thought you could have in the future. when things were great between us, and i was so happy, i had big, elaborate dreams of our life together. with a couple of kids and a house filled with love. there was a time when i thought..."she’s the one."
now, my sadness and my disappointment are written all over my face...i am transparent. having told only a few people at work about this relationship (for various reasons), i can’t really even explain that i’m going thru a breakup. i am intentionally vague.
this just sucks.
5:00 PM
May 09, 2005
good question, sweetie
We’re not asking the president to get married to a
dude so why should he have any say? --joss stone
8:45 AM
April 19, 2005
6 years ago
today is the 6th anniversary of the unexpected death of my brother, jeff...way before his time. it never matters what else is going on in my life when this day rolls around each year...i always wake up feeling uneasy and sad, sometimes without even realizing why.
and then it hits me.
in addition to the terrible fact that he is gone--which is, of course, bad enough all by itself--there are 2 aspects of his death that have continued to haunt me:
- right before he died, while he was sick (with what, no one knew), i was going thru the craziest professional period of time that i had ever experienced, or have since. working 70+ hour weeks, totally stressed out about meeting impossible deadlines, in way over my head. so i didn't call him. each night as i came home, completely exhausted, unable to even reason clearly, i told myself that, once the deadline had been met and i was free of this particular project, i would call him. we would catch up. discuss the possibility of me going to visit.
- at the time of his death, i hadn't seen him, in person, in almost 5 years. so the image that pops into my head is not his tousled hair, his crooked smile, or that distinctive chuckle. it's the one from the funeral.
*sigh* this is just always a very fucked-up day.
4:27 PM
April 15, 2005
notes from london & amsterdam, part I
it's already a week later, and i'm still on a high from the london & amsterdam concerts featuring meshell ndegeocello and the spirit music jamia. i would imagine my traveling companion deshigrrrl is, as well. *grin*
we were at the jazz cafe in london for the show on friday, april 8. incredible. the place was packed with a sold-out crowd. shortly after 9 pm, with no opening act (which i've come to really appreciate), meshell and smj--chris dave on drums, michael cain on piano/keys, ron blake on tenor & baritone sax, dahu mumagi on soprano & tenor sax, and dj jahi sundance (son of oliver lake & brother of gene)--came onstage and started in on a mix of songs from dance of the infidel and others i hadn't heard before. true to form, meshell has once again assembled a group of exceptional musicians, each a true artist in his own right.
chris dave busted a drum during one of the first few songs...it was the first time i'd seen him, and he was fantastic. ron blake on sax was so much fun to watch...the look on his face following his off-the-hook solos was priceless. and of course, meshell. she was smiling and laughing on stage in a way i'd not seen during the 10 previous performances i'd witnessed over the last 10+ years....so great to see her having fun (or at least appearing to). i hadn't seen her live in a couple of years, and i think she just gets better and better on bass all the time. i was blown away.
but alas....we had no idea what would be in store for us in amsterdam the following night. first, the paradiso is a fabulous venue. large dance floor in front of a raised stage, 2 additional floors of balcony space, beautifully back-lit stained-glass windows behind the stage. the (again) sold-out crowd was large and very engaged, even more so than the previous night's crowd in london had been. smj came onstage shortly after 9, again playing a mix of songs from the new album and songs i either hadn't heard before, or had only just heard in london.
perhaps it was the fact that it was the last show on this leg of the tour (tho smj is headed back to europe, including the netherlands, later this spring). perhaps it was the ability--on the part of the band and/or the crowd--to smoke freely. perhaps the planets were aligned just right. but something was different in amsterdam. the show was magical. mystical. absolutely phenomenal. each member of the band seemed to have taken his/her musicianship to a different level...transcending the confines of this earth. i didn't want it to end, ever.
meshell was, again, smiling and laughing onstage...she appears to revel in no longer being the "frontman," the star. and on the bass?? she was in a total zone, and she took me right along with her. she played a particular bass line in one song (which is not on dance of the infidel) that i still have in my head, crystal clear, a week later (and i'm no musician, so this is not something i do on the regular).
as you may know, this was my first trip abroad, planned (by deshigrrrl and me) around these 2 shows. there were times when i threw back my head and laughed out loud...i was just so happy to be there, and almost incredulous that i was. then, there were other times when the music nearly brought me to tears. this range of emotion wasn't unfamiliar...meshell's music has had that effect on me since i first heard it in '93. but the atmosphere(s) added another dimension to the shows, and to the trip, that i wouldn't trade for anything.
this was an experience that i will hold in my head and in my heart, forever.
2:40 PM
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