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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
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August 19, 2003
(re)unioni scream
you scream
we all scream
for pork loin
—series of 4 little signs posted at intervals along the edge of an iowa cornfield my drive back from iowa yesterday was long, but thankfully uneventful. it gave me a lot of time to rehash the weekend's events and the rush of feelings surrounding them.
i drove there thursday, spending that evening and most of friday with mom. we talked a lot, went out to eat, and did a little shopping, which is typically how we spend our limited time together. she always tells me how much she looks forward to and enjoys having me there, and how she can talk to me like a friend. we do have some good conversations, i must admit. despite our past problems, i'm trying to focus on what we have now. and it has worked.
all day friday, i was nervous about the first event of the reunion, that evening. i was glad that sue and i had planned to meet up beforehand, but still...what would it be like to see all these people for the first time in 20 or more years? would it be awkward? or would it be "like old times"...the 20+ years just melting away? would they be talking behind my back about how i've gained the equivalent of a small-to-medium-sized person since then? or wondering why i was even there, since i hadn't graduated with them? stupid, i know...but these things were running thru my head.
most of my nervousness centered around 3 people...the first (and least consequential) of whom is tk, the guy on whom i had a hopeless crush for the 2 years that i lived there. he was beautiful...dark hair, brilliant blue eyes, stocky build (hey, i guess i liked 'em a little thick even then!)...athletically talented, not a very good student, and extremely shy. he was a wrestler and, our sophomore year, i was a wrestling cheerleader. when a member of our team scored a pin, a cheerleader would give him a congratulatory kiss on the cheek and pin a diaper pin (painted with the school initials in red nail polish) on his warm-ups. my fellow cheerleaders knew how much i liked him and usually let me "pin" him. once, he turned his head when i went to kiss him, our lips met, and i nearly died. but i tormented the poor guy. i remember getting drunk at parties and calling him up, begging him to come over. i remember sending him a valentine's day card our freshman year, with a big pop-up "I LOVE YOU!" on the inside. no fucking wonder the boy had no interest in me! frankly, i was embarrassed to see him again at the reunion. while i hoped that he wouldn't remember all the stupid stuff i did, i was afraid that he would.
today? tk still lives in the same town and works in the factory (farm implements, i think) there. people say he's "killed more brain cells than most of us" (the word alcoholic was mentioned a couple of times). he has never married. he's still handsome, but looks totally out of it most of the time. and not only did he not remember all the stupid things i did 22+ years ago, but he didn't even remember who i was! when i went over to say hello, he called me by the name of another girl who went to school there for a year or two and then moved away. when i said, no, that's not me...and gave him my name...he still didn't remember me. for a second, i was a little hurt...was/am i really THAT forgettable?? but at least he didn't remember all the ridiculous things i did to try to get his attention. all in all, a good thing.
the second 2 causes for my nervousness were d and l. a few weeks before the reunion, i had e-mailed l to apologize for everything i did all those years ago. it was a note i had been composing in my head for the better part of 20+ years, and i had finally sent it. it was heartfelt, but i had wondered how it would be received. i didn't have to wonder very long, because i had an answer the very next day. whew!! l thanked me for my honesty and said that "all [was] forgotten." she told me a little about their life together (married 16 years), their kids (2 boys and a girl), and their jobs. and she asked about my life. what was my job? did i have "anyone special" in my life?
so i had replied, telling her a little about my job and about s...and, to explain the latter, about coming out halfway thru my senior year of college. and to that e-mail, i never got a response. what was she thinking?? was she freaked out? was she pissed off, because i had caused her all that grief by sneaking around with her boyfriend, and then i turned out to be a lesbian??
as it turns out, they had been out of town for a wedding, so i guess l hadn't had a chance to reply to my e-mail. she was very kind, maybe even happy to see me. i was so relieved! i ended up going to the pool party at their house on saturday, which i had been certain i would avoid. i later learned that she hadn't been sure where i was staying for the weekend, and that i had been welcome to stay there (tho i probably never would have).
(as for seeing d for the first time in 19 years? well...that experience will get a post of its own shortly, so hang with me for a sec....)
so anyway, the "adults only" event friday nite was a blast. in a fashion appropriate for our laid-back class with a reputation for partying, there was a keg, but no food (which was actually okay). it was fun seeing everyone and, even tho i hadn't seen some of them since our sophomore year (after which i moved away), some people remembered me and even my name with no prompting. many people were remarkably well preserved....unlike the guys in the photo from my actual class reunion, most of these male classmates had all or most of their hair. in fact, most people looked almost exactly the same as i remember them...sometimes down to the hairstyles (which, as you might guess, was not a good thing).
it was interesting to find out what people are doing. many have stayed in or moved back to the same community, even after college and after living in urban areas, mentioning the fact that "having kids changes your perspective" about where you want to live. at 37-39 years of age, most had kids, but not all. some are on their second marriages, some still unmarried. it was refreshing that the people i talked to were barely fazed by my answer of, "i have a girlfriend, for 5 years," when they asked if i was married. in a small town of 1,500, with a class of less than 50 people, i had expected some narrow attitudes...but that really didn't seem to be the case. some even said i should bring s with me next time. :)
it was especially great to see teri (who looks wonderful and has the same athletic build she had 20 years ago) and to meet her husband and kids. her oldest daughter, whom she had when we were in college, is 17 and beautiful. she looks so much like teri, it's scary...i guess when she's there visiting her grandparents (teri's parents), old people see her on the street and call her by her mother's name. it was also wonderful to see teri's two brothers (one of whom is 11 months younger than teri and still in our class, and the other of whom is 2 years older, but was there for the whole weekend, anyway), who had been like my own brothers with as much time as i spent at their house those 2 years. tho all grown up (of course) and with their own families, they are basically just the same wisecracking goofballs they've always been. i would've loved to have had more time with them, too.
saturday was ungodly hot (at least 95 degrees, 97% humidity...the hottest day of the year), but the pool party was enjoyable, even tho i had forgotten my suit. it was a little freaky because of where it was held (which i'll address in the upcoming post about d), but it was okay. early that evening, we all gathered for the "winding stairs festival" parade. it was a trip...sitting on bales of hay (or was it straw?) on a trailer, pulled by a truck (driven by d)...waving and throwing candy to what must have been thousands of local onlookers...drinking beer from the stash of coolers nestled in among the bales, even while riding past the sheriff and deputies...it was all really corny, but fun, even despite the heat.
after the parade, we were all supposed to meet at the beer tent down at the festival, but that really didn't happen. a few of us showed up, but most people seem to have family obligations or other reasons for not being there...i know teri's little boy had been sick since the day before, so she and her family had gone home. i was a little disappointed, as it was a rather anticlimactic end to the weekend, and i had really wanted to spend more time with teri...but so it goes. she only lives about 90 minutes from my dad, so i hope to hook up with her the next time i head to iowa.
i spent sunday with dad. we "crashed" a family reunion being held for the other side of the family of his two second cousins (who were visiting from out of state), and spent time with my aunt and uncle. unlike my visits with mom, during which it's usually just the two of us, dad is forever carting me off somewhere to see people relatives i don't know. or rather, i'm carting him, as his eyes have put an end to his driving.
it was a good trip. i can't believe i waffled so much about whether or not to go...something i'll keep in mind when the next reunion rolls around.
10:47 AM
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