|
|
| |
|
|
| |
i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
August 29, 2003
thanks to matthew, you can sign a birthday card for her here.
2:43 PM
August 28, 2003
a little surpriseall week, i'd been bitching about this dumb "staff appreciation" event i had to go to yesterday. as i was telling ej, it's become less and less of an actual "event" with each passing year...supposedly due to budget constraints, but it has really just felt like we're just appreciated less and less...i.e., depreciated.
so what happens? first, i win an ohio state football autographed by the only two-time heisman winner, in the raffle. then, i win one of this year's two "outstanding service and achievement" awards, consisting of a plaque and a check for (after taxes) $500!! a few months ago, i had joked with a couple of my colleagues that i was going to campaign for the award, but it really was just a joke. you see, along with a couple of co-workers, i have a "history" with this department that involves a formal complaint against our boss, so...i had figured that, even if i deserved the award, i'd never get it.
as someone wise once said, wonders never cease. i am grateful.
3:55 PM
August 20, 2003
this is could've been your lifebefore friday nite's reunion event, sue and i met up and decided to take a stroll down memory lane main street before hitting the sunnyside tavern for our pre-reunion fortification. after checking out the (carnegie) library renovations and her dad's old law office, we stumbled upon teri's parents' antique shop, and thus, teri's parents. after chatting with them for a few minutes, teri and her family showed up, so we rounded up her brothers and hit the sunnyside. we spent awhile catching up with each other until leaving for the reunion...it was nice not to have to walk in alone, so i was glad that sue and i had planned that.
i mingled, saying hello to people, meeting their spouses, getting the rundown on their lives, and re-introducing myself to some. at one point, i was standing there talking to teri, and a stocky, middle-aged man stepped up to us, said "hi," and looked at me like i should've known who he was.
maybe it was the few beers i'd already downed, out of nervousness. maybe it was his glasses...rather large and not at all stylish. maybe it was the extra weight he now carries. maybe it was the fact that he stood so close...too close for me to really see him. maybe it that he had walked up to us all fast—so quickly that i didn't get to see him approach and didn't notice his gait, which has always been distinctive. maybe it was simply that almost 20 years have passed since we last saw each other, and...well...people change in 20 years (albeit some not as much as others).
it wasn't until i heard his deep, unmistakable voice saying something more than "hi" that i recognized d. i literally gasped. i was embarrassed, and i think he was a little hurt. but as soon as i recovered from the shock, i gave him a hug, and we started talking, while teri drifted away.
d always had this way of looking right into my eyes when he talked to me...and whether it was always true or not, it gave the impression that he was hanging on every word i said, and that he meant every word he said. it was a quality that drew me to him, and drew things out of me that i hadn't before imagined telling anyone else. i can't think of another person from that era who looked me in the eye like that when we were talking...who paid that much attention to what i said, to what i was feeling.
friday nite was no different. d told me that he had read the recent e-mails that i had sent l (his wife). perhaps prompted by my apology to her, he began his own apology, to me. he told me that he had "had feelings for [me]". he told me that, because he had never been with anyone before l, he had been afraid to commit to her...which is why he had started something up with me in the first place. and you know, it was funny. suddenly, i no longer saw him as a schmuck who had cheated on his girlfriend and broken my heart...but as a scared kid (he was only 18-21 at the time) who was trying to figure out what his own feelings were, and what to do with the fact that he really loved us both. when she forced him to choose, he chose her...both times...and that's just the way it was supposed to be.
throughout the evening, d and i had bits of conversation in between the mingling and keg-draining. when he told me that he wanted to meet s, i just looked at him...if raising one eyebrow inquisitively were in my repertoire of facial expression, that's exactly what i would have done. when i asked, "why?", he replied, "because i want to meet the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with." now, some may have found that a little creepy, but—knowing him like i did...and maybe even still do—i found it incredibly sweet. i guess that even two whole decades couldn't completely erase the friendship we once shared, before we fucked it up by taking it to that other level.
one thing that was a little creepy at one point was that d seemed more than a little interested in the fact that s and i have talked about having children; he seemed to be going down the path of wanting to, uhhh, "help us out" with that. we actually had a conversation about how it's done, how a woman can be impregnated without "physical contact." i went thru the whole artificial insemination thing (both the clinical and the much less clinical "turkey baster" methods), explaining that, if that didn't work, in vitro fertilization was sometimes an option. he was absolutely enthralled, but...i eventually steered the conversation away from that topic. anyone who is that into the concept of donating sperm to 2 women who want to have a child would NOT be the ideal donor for us...i would always, always, always worry that he would come back at some point and try to claim custody.
but when i expressed some doubt and more than a little fear about having children—explaining that i just don't want to make the same mistakes my parents made—d told me that the "me" he knew would make a terrific mom. again...the same old sweet, sincere d that i used to know.
toward the end of the nite, d and l convinced me to attend the family pool party on saturday—something i had been certain i'd want to avoid! but we'd had such a good time that i didn't want it to end...so i got up saturday, ate a huge omelette that mom fixed for me, and hit the road, treating my hangover along the way with my favorite "herbal" cure and a 24-ounce bottle of diet mountain dew. after navigating my way to their house, i took a deep breath and went out back to join everyone.
it was a trip just being there. i mean...had things happened differently at a few key junctures, years ago...had i said "yes" instead of "no, let's just be friends" when d asked me out shortly after i had moved there (remember, i only got interested in him romantically after he had become unavailable)...had he chosen me instead of l, at either of the two points when he had to choose...or even had i gotten pregnant one of the few times we slept together...THIS could have been my house!! THESE could have been my kids! THIS could have been my life!! it was all freaking me out for a second...and despite its decidedly medicinal qualities, the weed probably wasn't helping. but it was cool. it may have taken me awhile longer, if the right set of circumstances hadn't presented themselves to me just when they did...but i would have eventually figured out that i was a lesbian. of that, i'm sure.
i fell in love with their 8-year-old, a little boy with big ears that stick straight out, and lots of freckles, and 2 missing front teeth. one of those kids who will actually sit down with an adult and have a real conversation. after his mom had introduced us, he plopped down in the chair next to me and told me about the cubs (his favorite team), and his new sammy sosa jersey, and how he keeps forgetting that he's not 7 anymore, and what the family did to celebrate his birthday. i wanted to scoop him up and take him home with me.
the previous evening, our 2 cars had been the last to leave the country club parking lot, at about 2 am. after convincing d and l that i was okay to drive, that i did not need to stay at their place (ummm, NOOOOO!), and that i would, indeed, be there for the pool party the next day, we headed off in the same direction. i followed them the 14 miles to their town, where they continued on toward their home, and i veered off to the west for the remaining 10 miles to my mom's. them toward their life...me toward mine.
3:35 PM
August 19, 2003
disconnectwhile it was definitely great to see teri at the reunion this weekend, and to see her happy, i was disappointed that we didn't really (re)connect, as i had hoped we might. we were close in high school...especially the 2 years we were actually in school together, before i moved away. i spent so much time at her house that it felt like my own house...her brothers, my brothers...her parents, my parents (well, almost). i remember being actually jealous when she went on dates...not because i was in love with her or anything like that—tho i probably wouldn't have recognized that, even if it had been true—but because she'd be doing something fun without me, and i'd have to figure out what i would do, myself. we were together so much that, when we weren't, it all just felt wrong. even after i moved away, and even after we each started college at different schools, we still kept in touch and saw each other as much as we could manage.
when she announced that she was pregnant, during our junior year in college, i was dealing with my own issues...namely, being in love with my roommate but not recognizing it as such...and just being really upset and confused about the whole thing. despite our past connection and ongoing friendship, i suddenly felt like teri and i were such opposites. i didn't feel like she could relate to what was happening in my life (especially because i couldn't even identify it, much less articulate it)...and i certainly couldn't relate to what was going on in hers. that was really "the beginning of the end" for us, i think. until this past weekend, we had seen each other only once after that, over the holidays during my senior year. her baby was a year old by then, and i was 2 weeks into my first relationship with a woman. if i had thought our lives were going in completely opposite directions before, this was the clincher.
maybe it's just that she's not ready to dive right back into being my friend after all this time...after i pretty much just abandoned her. maybe she needs time, and more communication, and some one-on-one time together, maybe the next time i'm in iowa. i can't say that i'd blame her, really...but that doesn't temper my disappointment, or my regret. i hope not, but...maybe it's just too late for us.
5:25 PM
(re)unioni scream
you scream
we all scream
for pork loin
—series of 4 little signs posted at intervals along the edge of an iowa cornfield my drive back from iowa yesterday was long, but thankfully uneventful. it gave me a lot of time to rehash the weekend's events and the rush of feelings surrounding them.
i drove there thursday, spending that evening and most of friday with mom. we talked a lot, went out to eat, and did a little shopping, which is typically how we spend our limited time together. she always tells me how much she looks forward to and enjoys having me there, and how she can talk to me like a friend. we do have some good conversations, i must admit. despite our past problems, i'm trying to focus on what we have now. and it has worked.
all day friday, i was nervous about the first event of the reunion, that evening. i was glad that sue and i had planned to meet up beforehand, but still...what would it be like to see all these people for the first time in 20 or more years? would it be awkward? or would it be "like old times"...the 20+ years just melting away? would they be talking behind my back about how i've gained the equivalent of a small-to-medium-sized person since then? or wondering why i was even there, since i hadn't graduated with them? stupid, i know...but these things were running thru my head.
most of my nervousness centered around 3 people...the first (and least consequential) of whom is tk, the guy on whom i had a hopeless crush for the 2 years that i lived there. he was beautiful...dark hair, brilliant blue eyes, stocky build (hey, i guess i liked 'em a little thick even then!)...athletically talented, not a very good student, and extremely shy. he was a wrestler and, our sophomore year, i was a wrestling cheerleader. when a member of our team scored a pin, a cheerleader would give him a congratulatory kiss on the cheek and pin a diaper pin (painted with the school initials in red nail polish) on his warm-ups. my fellow cheerleaders knew how much i liked him and usually let me "pin" him. once, he turned his head when i went to kiss him, our lips met, and i nearly died. but i tormented the poor guy. i remember getting drunk at parties and calling him up, begging him to come over. i remember sending him a valentine's day card our freshman year, with a big pop-up "I LOVE YOU!" on the inside. no fucking wonder the boy had no interest in me! frankly, i was embarrassed to see him again at the reunion. while i hoped that he wouldn't remember all the stupid stuff i did, i was afraid that he would.
today? tk still lives in the same town and works in the factory (farm implements, i think) there. people say he's "killed more brain cells than most of us" (the word alcoholic was mentioned a couple of times). he has never married. he's still handsome, but looks totally out of it most of the time. and not only did he not remember all the stupid things i did 22+ years ago, but he didn't even remember who i was! when i went over to say hello, he called me by the name of another girl who went to school there for a year or two and then moved away. when i said, no, that's not me...and gave him my name...he still didn't remember me. for a second, i was a little hurt...was/am i really THAT forgettable?? but at least he didn't remember all the ridiculous things i did to try to get his attention. all in all, a good thing.
the second 2 causes for my nervousness were d and l. a few weeks before the reunion, i had e-mailed l to apologize for everything i did all those years ago. it was a note i had been composing in my head for the better part of 20+ years, and i had finally sent it. it was heartfelt, but i had wondered how it would be received. i didn't have to wonder very long, because i had an answer the very next day. whew!! l thanked me for my honesty and said that "all [was] forgotten." she told me a little about their life together (married 16 years), their kids (2 boys and a girl), and their jobs. and she asked about my life. what was my job? did i have "anyone special" in my life?
so i had replied, telling her a little about my job and about s...and, to explain the latter, about coming out halfway thru my senior year of college. and to that e-mail, i never got a response. what was she thinking?? was she freaked out? was she pissed off, because i had caused her all that grief by sneaking around with her boyfriend, and then i turned out to be a lesbian??
as it turns out, they had been out of town for a wedding, so i guess l hadn't had a chance to reply to my e-mail. she was very kind, maybe even happy to see me. i was so relieved! i ended up going to the pool party at their house on saturday, which i had been certain i would avoid. i later learned that she hadn't been sure where i was staying for the weekend, and that i had been welcome to stay there (tho i probably never would have).
(as for seeing d for the first time in 19 years? well...that experience will get a post of its own shortly, so hang with me for a sec....)
so anyway, the "adults only" event friday nite was a blast. in a fashion appropriate for our laid-back class with a reputation for partying, there was a keg, but no food (which was actually okay). it was fun seeing everyone and, even tho i hadn't seen some of them since our sophomore year (after which i moved away), some people remembered me and even my name with no prompting. many people were remarkably well preserved....unlike the guys in the photo from my actual class reunion, most of these male classmates had all or most of their hair. in fact, most people looked almost exactly the same as i remember them...sometimes down to the hairstyles (which, as you might guess, was not a good thing).
it was interesting to find out what people are doing. many have stayed in or moved back to the same community, even after college and after living in urban areas, mentioning the fact that "having kids changes your perspective" about where you want to live. at 37-39 years of age, most had kids, but not all. some are on their second marriages, some still unmarried. it was refreshing that the people i talked to were barely fazed by my answer of, "i have a girlfriend, for 5 years," when they asked if i was married. in a small town of 1,500, with a class of less than 50 people, i had expected some narrow attitudes...but that really didn't seem to be the case. some even said i should bring s with me next time. :)
it was especially great to see teri (who looks wonderful and has the same athletic build she had 20 years ago) and to meet her husband and kids. her oldest daughter, whom she had when we were in college, is 17 and beautiful. she looks so much like teri, it's scary...i guess when she's there visiting her grandparents (teri's parents), old people see her on the street and call her by her mother's name. it was also wonderful to see teri's two brothers (one of whom is 11 months younger than teri and still in our class, and the other of whom is 2 years older, but was there for the whole weekend, anyway), who had been like my own brothers with as much time as i spent at their house those 2 years. tho all grown up (of course) and with their own families, they are basically just the same wisecracking goofballs they've always been. i would've loved to have had more time with them, too.
saturday was ungodly hot (at least 95 degrees, 97% humidity...the hottest day of the year), but the pool party was enjoyable, even tho i had forgotten my suit. it was a little freaky because of where it was held (which i'll address in the upcoming post about d), but it was okay. early that evening, we all gathered for the "winding stairs festival" parade. it was a trip...sitting on bales of hay (or was it straw?) on a trailer, pulled by a truck (driven by d)...waving and throwing candy to what must have been thousands of local onlookers...drinking beer from the stash of coolers nestled in among the bales, even while riding past the sheriff and deputies...it was all really corny, but fun, even despite the heat.
after the parade, we were all supposed to meet at the beer tent down at the festival, but that really didn't happen. a few of us showed up, but most people seem to have family obligations or other reasons for not being there...i know teri's little boy had been sick since the day before, so she and her family had gone home. i was a little disappointed, as it was a rather anticlimactic end to the weekend, and i had really wanted to spend more time with teri...but so it goes. she only lives about 90 minutes from my dad, so i hope to hook up with her the next time i head to iowa.
i spent sunday with dad. we "crashed" a family reunion being held for the other side of the family of his two second cousins (who were visiting from out of state), and spent time with my aunt and uncle. unlike my visits with mom, during which it's usually just the two of us, dad is forever carting me off somewhere to see people relatives i don't know. or rather, i'm carting him, as his eyes have put an end to his driving.
it was a good trip. i can't believe i waffled so much about whether or not to go...something i'll keep in mind when the next reunion rolls around.
10:47 AM
August 14, 2003
iowa boundi decided to go to the reunion after all, so i'll be in the car for the 10-hour drive this morning.
i've been e-mailing with an old friend (and current stay-at-home mom, pharmacist's wife, and junior leaguer) the past couple of days, and she asked if i'd be her "date, " since, like s, her husband has opted out of the weekend's festivities. i said, sure...as long as she would be my fig. *grin* we're meeting at a dive bar around the corner beforehand, so at least neither of us will have to walk in the joint alone.
so then...why am i so nervous??
this town and these people hold some of my best memories...probably the best of my entire k-12 experience. there will undoubtedly be some weirdnesses, but surely 20 years will have all but erased them from everyone's minds but mine...right?
i just wish i didn't care so much what people think. did you know that's genetic? yeah...i got it from my mother.
at the very least, the weekend promises to hold some amusing moments. they've planned the reunion around the annual winding stairs festival, and the class of '83 will be riding a float in the parade.
i've been practicing my parade wave all week. *waving*
8:50 AM
August 06, 2003
too much, too lateeating lunch at my desk today, while grooving to live shows by ben harper and morcheeba on the always wonderful kcrw, i was about two-thirds of the way through a decidedly unspicy bowl of fantastic foods spicy thai noodle soup when i discovered a huge glob of the spice mixture adhered to the inside of the cup, near the bottom.
hence the unspiciness.
i mixed in the glob, but it was too late. i'd already eaten most of the disappointingly bland noodles, wondering how they could possibly, in good conscience, market this as spicy thai noodle soup. the remaining noodles weren't enough to absorb the spices i'd found, even if i were to add more hot water. so i ended up with a thick, orangish, hyper-spicy, inedible mess.
sometimes? life is a lot like that.
2:12 PM
August 05, 2003
bushwhackedforwarded to me via e-mail:
[youknowwho]
The White House
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
* I attacked and took over two countries.
* I spent the U.S. surplus and bankrupted the Treasury.
* I shattered the record for biggest annual deficit in history.
* I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
* I set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
* I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
* In my first year in office, I set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
* After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
* I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president in U.S. history.
* In my first two years in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
* I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
* I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
* I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
* I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of TV.
* I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other president in U.S. history.
* I presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
* I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
* I cut health care benefits for war veterans.
* I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
* I dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
* I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
* Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
* I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
* I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
* I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in U.S. history.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the USA from the Human Rights Commission.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the USA from the Elections Monitoring Board.
* I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
* I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
* I withdrew from the World Court of Law.
* I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default, no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors access during the 2002 U.S. elections.
* I am the all-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
* The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
* I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
* I am the first president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).
* I am the first U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
* I took the world's sympathy for the U.S. after 911, and in less than a year, made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
* I am the first U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
* I am the first U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than by their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
* I changed U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
* I set the all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated USA law by not selling their huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
* I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
* In a little over two years, I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided that the U.S. has been since the civil war.
* I entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years, turned every single economic category heading straight down.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
* I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
* I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
* I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
PERSONAL REFERENCES:
* For personal references, please speak to my dad or uncle James Baker.
(They can be reached in their offices at the Carlyle Group where they are helping to divide up the spoils of the US-Iraq war and plan for the next one.)
1:05 PM
|
|
| |
|
| |
