|
|
| |
|
|
| |
i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
October 29, 2003
sanctuaryjust wanna be happy
and thankful.
not just try to get through.
....
ease my sadness.
you’re all i need.
i lay my burden down.
—"thankful," méshell ndegéocello sherri told me, not too long ago, that she worries about me. because i tend to take on the troubles and the hurt and the weight of the world, and—since i'm agnostic—i don't have a [spiritual] place to lay them down.
funny thing is, before she said that? i don't think i ever really considered that i might need a place to lay those burdens down. i guess i've always figured that it was my responsibility to carry them myself. as just one example...when a child dies in the crossfire of warring drug dealers, it's partly because my money (albeit very, very little of it) has helped to feed a system that enables that to happen. i have made that choice, so i bear that responsibility. it's that simple. so, that...combined with this hyper-empathy thing i've got going on...there are times when, even tho things in my own life are going well, i'm just sad. shit hurts. even tho it might be happening to other people, and not me.
i'm realizing something. that my relationships have been my shelter from that pain. and from the hurt that i feel for all the other reasons...my dysfunctional family dynamic, the ongoing drama with my sister, the loss of my brother, and everything else. it's a bit of a "well, duh?!"-kind-of moment...but i'm realizing that loving someone, feeling enveloped by her love, and building our life together, have not only brought me happiness, but have eased my sadness. the sadness of living in a really screwed-up world. i may not have literally laid my burdens down at her feet, at least not intentionally...but love has been what i've looked to for stability.
love has been my sanctuary.
it's not like i need to be in a relationship. that i can't function if i'm single. i can. i have.
it's also not like i'm incapable of finding joy in life, on my own. i can. i have. i do. (tho admittedly, i'm a lot less sure about finding long-term happiness without a partner to share it with.)
it's just that, as long as i can remember...i haven't wanted to. and i don't want to, now. in addition to everything about s that i love and don't want to lose, i am terrified of losing my refuge.
part of me thinks that this smacks of codependency and overall emotional unhealth.
and part of me thinks that it's what perfectly normal people do.
1:24 PM
October 28, 2003
an in-body experiencei am sore today. yoga so kicked my ass last nite, and i'm realizing that it would be better on just about any other day of the week. on mondays, i haven't worked out since the previous thursday, and my body moans in protest afterward. yoga postures are no joke...this shit is way harder than it looks.
there's also the killer charlie-horse that i got in my right calf and quad hamstring (i'm so dumb), while attempting to jog across the busy street at a non-intersection, just to get to yoga class. i could actually feel the muscles in my leg knotting up and i had to stop, dead in the middle of the street (fortunately, there was a break in traffic). i finally managed to hobble the rest of the way across the street and into the building, but class itself may have been too much. trying to balance on that leg, or even to put any weight on it, was no fun at all. i made every attempt to heed our instructor's pleas to avoid doing anything that doesn't feel right—even if she is, and the other people in the class are—but i seem to have this need to be able to do what everyone else can do (it's a big-girl thing...you wouldn't might not understand), even if i simply can't. getting this body to do the same things that small people do quite often clearly violates the laws of physics.
nonetheless, i tried. which i think, in some ways, is good. i don't want to let myself off the hook every time, just because of my size. i want to be able to push myself sometimes, if not all the time...otherwise, how will i ever get stronger and more flexible and all the other good things that yoga promises to make you?
this was my third yoga class (of 10). i'm still not sure if this is something i can actually see myself doing on my own, on my living room floor, on my little blue rubber mat, enveloped in dreamy ambient music. maybe i'll feel differently after i've learned the postures and movements better, and have mastered the breathing (which is also much harder than it looks/sounds), and can remember which thing to do when, and whether it's on the inhale or the exhale. there's a lot to remember, and i wonder if i'll get to the point where i don't have to...the point where i just do it, almost without thinking.
the thing about yoga is that it's making me more aware of my body...both its parts, and as a whole. i'm not one to talk much about my body, or to try to draw attention to it (except maybe during those rare moments when maybe i'm feeling just a little bit cute for, like, 20 seconds). it's a subject i've always just really wanted to avoid...the very worst and most undesirable and hateful thing about me, as a person. there have been many times when i have thought, if i could make my body go away and still exist, i just might.
the weird thing is...this time, this awareness doesn't really feel like a bad thing, or something that i should push back down because it's not something i should feel, or even want to feel. and, while part of me is whining about how sore i am, another part is actually pleased by feeling the results of having done something physically strenuous, however painful. maybe a little proud, even.
wait a minute!! whose blog IS this? who am i, and what have i done with the real lisa?!?
i joke, but...i'm really not quite sure what to do with all of this.
12:40 PM
October 24, 2003
so much for thatfridays rock. for the same reasons that fridays rock for everyone else with monday-friday kinda gigs. i especially like that i don't have to go work out (who in her right mind would actually want to do aerobic activity after work on a friday?), and that i can wear jeans to work. realistically, i should probably work out 5 days a week, instead of 4; and i could probably wear jeans to work any of those days. but on fridays, being lazy and wearing jeans both feel extra-acceptable.
today, i'm rocking dark levi's in my favorite style (which has been discontinued in my size range and can only be found on e-bay), in a size smaller than i wore 2 weeks ago. they're accompanied by a new chocolate brown sweater and long-sleeved white t-shirt from eddie bauer that i could only justify if i bought them in a smaller size. i tried them on this morning, figuring i'd have to wait a few more weeks and at least a few more pounds before they would fit. but whaddya know? they fit now. a little more snugly than i prefer, but it works.
i always feel taller when i've lost a little weight. when i look at myself in the mirror, i just seem to look longer. and when i stand up, i imagine myself "rising to my full height." those are the exact words that pop into my head, which is funny. because, while i'm taller than the average woman, i'm still only 5' 9".
i say all this to say, i was feeling pretty good today. that is, until.
until i just had to satisfy my curiosity by asking s if she'd found an apartment. turns out, she has. she should hear back from them about her application today.
then, i just had to take it a step further, by asking the "when" question. we hadn't talked about it in over a week, and this "in-between" time—when we both know she's moving out, but aren't sure when it's happening—has been awkward and difficult. some days, everything feels fine. we're laughing together, doing our normal stuff together. but then...i remember.
"when the kids leave **, i guess," she said. apparently, she can only get the $99-deposit special if she starts paying rent on the first of the month.**i'm just realizing that i haven't blogged about this...but sherri and niq are leaving for the bahamas tomorrow—a trip all 4 of us were initially supposed to take, together—and we're keeping niq's their 3 kids—ages 15, 10, and 6—until they return on november 3rd. i had thought that it would at least be november 15th. but almost as soon as the kids are gone and our lives would be getting back to normal...our lives will very quickly be anything but normal.
so much for feeling pretty good today. now, i just want to throw up.
11:36 AM
October 20, 2003
cosmic love letterunlike her last record—which i was lucky enough to own almost a year before its release—méshell ndegéocello's comfort woman just hit my mailbox on friday, a full 4 days after its release. needless to say, it's been in heavy rotation ever since. in fact...aside from what's been playing almost exclusively in my car for the last few weeks, and a few snippets of songs on mtv and vh1, comfort woman is literally the only music i've listened to since friday.
i've heard it called "a make-out record," "songs to shag to," and "music to chill by". but what comfort woman is, is a love letter. a love letter to rebecca. how absolutely incredible it must be, to possess the talent to create something for someone that, if it doesn't completely capture the depth of your feeling, at least explores and communicates it. and how magical it must be to be on the receiving end of such a gift. to know that someone made that, for you.
méshell's own favorite is "love song #3". while "fellowship" blew me away every time i heard it performed live, right now i'm really loving "body" (check the bass, and guitar by both méshell and the inimitable allen cato), "good intentions," and "andromeda & the milky way."
i'm not musically savvy enough to write a credible review...as with art, architecture, and wine, i just know what i like...and plenty of folks (check here) have reviewed it already, some of whom seem not to have been listening to the same songs i am...but this album is gorgeous. lush. sensual. sweet. seductive. exactly what you'd expect, knowing her work...but at the same time—with diverse influences such as reggae and electronica—absolutely different than anything she's done before. full of the undulating bass lines and intricate guitar work we all know and love. and well worth whatever you have to pay for it.
2:15 PM
October 17, 2003
googliciousnesson a much needed, much lighter note...i got several hearty laughs out of following ej's lead and googling my last name. among other things, i am (favorites in bold)...
* using yeast genetic strategies along with green fluorescent.
* pretty good at employing this tone.
* also the host of family camping on memorial day weekend and numerous tiger cub safari weekends in the spring.
* rich in wildlife and allow for the study of conservation.
* the total package for a day of relaxation.
* preparing an article discussing aspects of akhenaten's deity.
* located in the mendocino mountains.
* the enterprising kingpin of the livermore valley.
* heard every friday on wild rose country in the fist half hour of the program.
* the quintessential california experience.
* always going on about how canada's middle class would be better off if we all did away with a public health care system that makes you wait in queues.
* still family-owned.
* still producing great wine.
* a course that has taken the cliched phrase and put some substance behind it.
* currently suffering from a nagging shin injury.
* a very well respected producer that would be a premium wine at most restaurants.
* averaging 13.
* averaging 12.
* a native of phoenix.
* the president.
* a very hard race if you are not well-trained.
* located just a few minutes' walk to the beach.
* obviously missing.
* from waverly.
* currently with the grandview family practice clinic.
* open all year round.
* currently contracting tobacco for its cigars from a variety of central american sources.
* proposals manager for development communications.
* one of canada's leading columnists.
* 11 of 20.
* a ___ acre camp with an 80-acre lake.
* a professor of music at concordia university in river forest.
* a member of the amphibian research and monitoring team that conducts research at the usgs.
* in the middle of an expansion. (...even though it is actually quite the opposite. *grin*)
* forced to seek markets for the finished product in europe.
* no more.
* the advisor and is not very interested in having distant thunder on the internet.
* vice president.
* communications committee chairman for 2001.
* our vineyard of choice.
* not actually a good writer.
* by word of mouth.
* racist. (hopefully, this one wasn't actually said about me.)
* second in the ivy league in assist/turnover ratio.
* averaging 6.
* another solid shooter.
* recovering from the same ankle surgery that rocca had.
* no stranger to local art audiences.
* the first multiple winner.
* a good perimeter jump shooter with range extending to just inside the 3.
* the first titan to lead the cciw in steals with an average of 2.
* no stranger to the midwest.
* the oldest and best.
2:51 PM
October 13, 2003
not about mewhile the reality of s moving out hasn't fully hit me yet—and probably won't for another few weeks—the nuances and implications have been steadily seeping into our lives and our consciousness(es).
the biggest realization is one that i must admit that i struggle with: this is not. about. me.
it's about her craving a level of independence that, at almost 31, she really hasn't ever had before. it's about her quest to become what she calls "a whole person," outside of our relationship. it's about her figuring some stuff out about herself, for herself, and by herself. it's about her desire to prove to herself that she can make it on her own, emotionally, financially, and in every other way. and it's about her belief that she can't accomplish any of this within the context of a relationship...with me or with anyone.
so, intellectually, i know that it's not about me. and because i love her...i mean, really, really love her...i want what's best for her. more than anything else, i want her to be happy. and if this is what it's going to take to accomplish that, then...well...this is what has to happen. right? i can't argue. i must be supportive. after all, this isn't just anyone...this is my heart.
but still, i struggle. because my twin demons—"fear of rejection" and "fear of abandonment"—automatically assert that it IS about me, no matter how many times i hear that it's not. no matter how many different people tell me that it's not. they say, this is happening because of something i did, or didn't do. said, or didn't say. am, or am not. because i'm just not good enough. because something is really wrong with me.
and i struggle because...i am afraid. afraid of being alone. of becoming old and bitter. of never having children (because i really can't see myself as a single parent). of losing her altogether...or actually pushing her further away, myself, because i can't handle loving her from a distance.
now, please don't go blowing up my comments section, telling me that i AM good enough. that there's nothing wrong with me. that it's not about me. that she doesn't deserve me. that i will find someone else. while the spirit of your intentions is something that i cherish in each of you, that's not what i'm looking for here (tho, don't ask me what i AM looking for, because i doubt that i could tell you...). and it wouldn't matter anyway, because the demons are always there. they have been for decades. we know each other well. we are thisclose. i acknowledge that this time spent apart may well be something that i need as much as she does. and i'm trying to get my act together, trying to prepare, trying to think about things i need to work on, myself. some of those are already well underway. i'm working out 4 times a week, and really pushing myself. i'm eating differently, and i've lost 18 20 pounds in the last 10 weeks. i'm starting a (free) hatha yoga class tonite, to see if i like it. i'm trying to think of ways to corral my skills, to bring in the extra money that i already know i will need, living on my own.
this is a journey. while it's not one i would have chosen to take, i'm trying to be open to what it may bring to my life. and trying to see it (as lynne pointed out) not as an end, but as a beginning...maybe even the beginning of a new, stronger "us".
but it's hard.
2:45 PM
October 07, 2003
everything's gone...wrong.years ago, i had this therapist (my first) who was really amazing. in one particularly difficult session, i remember her seating me in a chair facing away from her. she stood right behind me, with her hands on my shoulders, and asked me a series of questions...in her deep, soothing voice...ending in, what it was that i was so afraid of—which, for weeks, i hadn't really been able to identify, let alone articulate. later, she explained that she thought i might be able to open up to her if i didn't have to look at her. it worked.
the thing about her, tho, was that her own life was a complete mess. in the year-or-so that i saw her, i followed her from the small clinic where we first met, to a series of apartments where she operated her "private practice"...which, for at least a part of that time, was completely unlicensed. over time, i learned about her life. she was biracial, and still struggling with what it meant, for her, to "look white" when she identified as black. tho only in her mid-thirties, she had two teenaged daughters, who were always in some sort of trouble; one had already made her a grandmother. her father was reportedly wanted by the fbi, and she was somehow involved. her mother lived with her part of the time, and they fought constantly. and over time, she told me that she was a recovering addict (both drugs and alcohol), and that she had once turned tricks to support her habit(s). drama, drama, drama.
i'm not sure what it is, exactly, but people often tell me their problems. some tell me that i am (or at least seem) sincere...objective...a "good listener"...that i seem to have it all pretty much "together," myself. i kinda thought so, too.
in the past few weeks, tho, i've started to feel a little bit like my therapist...dishing out advice and "my perspective," when all is not well in my own house. i didn't think it was this bad. i figured that whatever it was, we could fix it. we could work together, and work it out. like we always have.
i'll elaborate later (at least i think i will)...but suffice it, for now, to say that s and i will be taking a break. not breaking up, but taking a "sabbatical" (the exact terms of which have yet to be hashed out). she is now in the process of looking for her own place. i am now in the process of figuring out—after 6 years of knowing her, and nearly that long being in love with her—how in the hell i am ever going to do this.
as the saying goes...shit done changed.
4:11 PM
|
|
| |
|
| |
