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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
Who Links Here
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June 29, 2004
treehousei want to love you
and watch
as your moans catch the breeze
linger for awhile
just outside the windows
amidst the rustling leaves.
and then ride
up, up, up, up
beyond the trees
through the heavens.
dodging planets
racing stars
weaving through constellations
encircling the moon.
swirling cosmonauts
of your pleasure
and my desire.
10:54 PM
June 25, 2004
mr. jtonly hours old, this kid looks like he's been around for 6 months. *grin*
8:28 AM
June 23, 2004
he's heremy newest nephew arrived this afternoon:jeffrey thomas (named for our brother)
6.23.04
1:19 p.m. PST
8 pounds
20 3/4 inches this kind of news is always fabulous, but especially given everything my sister and her husband have been thru over the past few years. i'm so excited!!
7:44 PM
June 17, 2004
so yeah...i'm a nerd
You're a Speak & Spell!! You nerd, you. Just
because you were disguised as a toy doesn't
mean you weren't educational, you sneaky
bastard.
What childhood toy from the 80s are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
12:11 PM
June 09, 2004
tattuesday, take 2thanks to ej and the wonders of modern technology, i give you tat2:
and tat1:
10:30 PM
something about the oomoto all those who urged me to call her, don't worry your pretty heads...i did. we've had 3 dates since. *grin*
now, y'all know i'm not trying to be in a relationship right now, or to fall in love, or anything dramatic like that. for obvious reasons. and she told me the other night that--while she likes me, and agrees that we have a great time together--she is seeing someone else, as well. somehow, miraculously, i am just fine with that. which is a first for me. i'm still trying to comprehend what that even means!
she's also very busy...with work, her writing projects, and helping her 70-something-year-old parents to raise her sister's two young children (after having already raised the first one, now 20). so i don't see her often. but when we're together....
there is something...something...about her.
on the first date, my hand brushed hers as i handed her a book she had just given me to look at...and the first word that comes to mind when i think about it is electric. when it happened, we both looked up at the same time. she felt it, too.
on the second date, as we sat next to each other at the play, my thigh, up against hers, was absolutely on fire for the entire 2 hours. i wanted to reach for her hand, but felt like it was too early. probably a good thing, judging from what it felt like to have her hold my hands in hers later on, when we were alone.
third date? we went to a party where we both knew a lot of people. we'd each be off socializing, enjoying the rooftop of the lofts on a breezy summer afternoon...and then we'd end up together, laughing and joking around. we'd drift apart again after awhile, and then she'd walk over next to me, asking me to "knock [her] a little kiss" (update: i'm sure it's been said elsewhere too, but that's a line from clueless, one of my favorite movies EVER). :) we had a blast, and i did not want the evening to end...which explains why i got home at almost 2:30 a.m. on a school night and had to fabricate a doctor's appointment the next morning to facilitate a couple of extra hours of rest (not sleep) before i drug my sorry ass into work.
needless to say, there is some madd chemistry happening here. i don't know if it's just good old-fashioned LUST, or what, but...damn.
at the same time...i'm really not stressed about it. i seem to be able to appreciate the time we spend together without expecting anything beyond that...or at least, not anything serious.
i've said it before...this doesn't feel like my life. but like i've also said before...that's not really a bad thing.
8:09 PM
June 08, 2004
tattuesdayremember tattoomorrow? well, today was tattuesday. after letting months pass since i had worked on my design, i suddenly got inspired last week. i finished it, e-mailed it to the joint, and made my appointment with gunnar when he called. it took almost 2 hours, but it's beautiful. if i had a host, i'd post it...but it's a capricorn glyph in a circle of red-fading-to-orange-fading-to-yellow--nestled in one side of a black design that reminds me of the way that the smoke from a clove cigarette rose into the tree-filtered sunlight as i twirled it around in my fingers, one lazy saturday afternoon in my backyard.
now, i have to plan for tattoo-tres. because--like flowers in a vase, gifts that i give, and the little charms on my silver necklace--i don't like stuff in even numbers.
by the way, check out mention of gunnar's recent "winter project" on mtv.com and a shot of it on the nfg web site. he's famous. :)
11:04 PM
June 01, 2004
the oomonote: tho i've alluded to it twice, i think this story deserves its own post.
i couldn't believe it when jeff hadn't yet shown up to happy hour...we had a date! okay, so not really a date...but he had said a few days earlier that he'd go with me to the 'vine, this little place we've both frequented for 15 years or more (tho less often these days). it was first friday...i.e., that one day of the month when lesbians come crawling out of the woodwork for the monthly event at the wall, but manage to filter thru every other gay club or bar downtown at some point during the evening. so jeff--agreeing with everyone else that i would never meet any women as long as i'm always out with a herd of gay men--had suggested we go play some darts there. i thought, okay...they're right. so i was up for it. maybe even a little excited. finally, jeff showed up, admitting that he'd almost decided to stay home. when i said that he'd wish he had, once i'd kicked his ass at darts, it was on. off to the 'vine we went.
we played a few games, and i was throwing better than i had in probably years...certainly better than i usually did when we'd played together in the league. it was fun...i never realize how competitive i am until i start winning. *laughing* anyway, we were pausing in between games, sitting at the bar, talking and people-watching. the bar was full of lesbians, indeed, but i had yet to spot a cute one.
i leaned over to jeff so that he could hear me. "jeffy...?" (we've known each other since 1989, so he lets me call him that, even tho he doesn't let anyone else call him that.) and i was just about to whine about how i had to track down the "object of my obsession," or i was just going to die (yes, i can bring on the drama when i've had a few). but before i could even start whining, i happened to glance around the corner at a table that hadn't been in my line of vision before i'd leaned over.
and there, at the table, talking to a woman who looked like a 12-year-old boy, was the oomo.
i sat straight up. i think i may have gasped. i know i said, "oh. my. god." there she was! right there! after i'd obsessed about her almost incessantly for weeks...cooking up these elaborate sexual fantasies in my head (which i, like, never really do), wondering how in the hell i was ever going to find her without knowing her phone number, where she lived, where she worked...anything. and suddenly, there she was, right in front of my eyes. hot as fire. wow.
my friend shawn says i made it happen...i conjured her. :)
after explaining to jeff why i had suddenly gone silent mid-sentence, i think i must have hyperventilated for about 5 minutes, trying to think of some smooth way to end up over in that area of the bar without looking obvious. 'cause while she had been on my mind for weeks, i was pretty sure i hadn't been on hers. finally, i had it...the old "i-don't-have-to-go-but-i'm-going-to-the-bathroom" trick. yeah, that's it. and on my way back, i would pretend to spot her for the first time. "ohhhh, hey! how are you? what's goin' on?"
so, on my way back from the bathroom, i glanced over where she had been sitting (she was still there...whew!) and caught her eye. she smiled at me.
"hey! what's up? how are you?" (you know, all according to plan and everything.)
"look at you...gorgeous, as always," she said. BIG hug. she introduced the 12-year-old-boy-lesbian. "so what's new?"
i told her about the new job. blahblahblah. she told me what she's been up to. blahblahblah. then, she was like, "so, what else is new?"
i paused. "well...(another pause)...i'm single again." (hey, she asked!)
"awwww." 2nd big hug...during which i glanced over her shoulder to see jeff standing at the bar, grinning at me. "sweetie, what happened?" i had just given her the 30-second version when she grabbed her messenger bag, took out a notebook, wrote her name, cell number, and e-mail address on it, ripped out the page and gave it to me. i added my info to the bottom of the page, ripped it again, and gave her that half. after agreeing that we'd get together soon to "catch up," we said our goodbyes (3rd big hug). me, walking away, grinning like a damned fool.
i'm really not used to all this. i'm really just not.
8:26 PM
May 24, 2004
adding the "up"i finally did it.
it had been an eventful weekend. (and, if i were as dedicated to blogging as i wish i were, i would've blogged more about it before more than 2 weeks had gone by. ahhh, c'est la vie.) that friday, i had run into the oomo (i.e., object of my obsession) and i'd had my little escapade with the artist. maybe i was full of myself. maybe i was feeling confident. i don't know why, but i did it. it had been coming for awhile...in fact, ever since i spotted the oomo in that recent production of the vagina monologues.
i had already tried to do it twice, in person, and couldn't get the words out either time. just panicked and backed off. it was too difficult, face-to-face. to look into those deep brown eyes that i have loved for so, so long, and say those words. yeah, so i'm a punk. i just couldn't do it.
so finally, one sunny sunday afternoon, i picked up the phone and called her. i told her that i couldn't stay "in limbo" any longer. that i felt like i had put my life on hold, and--while that had been my choice, and not her request--i couldn't do it anymore. that's not to say we couldn't ever get back together...just that i can't sit around waiting while she decides what she wants. i didn't get what i want, so...i guess it's time to find something else to want. so, in effect...i added the "up" to the "break" that we had been on for the last 6 months.
she said, "okay." that she missed me, but that she also "kind-of like[s]" where she is right now.
it was a brief conversation. it made me very sad. and i could tell she was crying, too. but i have to admit...i felt some relief. i felt a little more free. i have no idea where that freedom will take me. i don't even think i want to know.
i feel like i'm living a parallel life...or the life of someone else, entirely. it doesn't feel quite right. but it doesn't feel all wrong, either.
9:10 PM
May 11, 2004
the brickthe four of us hadn't been inside the door of the neighborhood pub for 30 seconds, and there he was. taking me by the waist and one hand, and spinning me around to some goofy country song on the jukebox. i laughed...4 apple martinis, more stoli vanilla/diet cokes than i had bothered to count, a few rousing games of darts (at which i kicked ass), the (wise) decision to give up my keys and plan to sleep over at kevin's, and FINALLY running into the "object of my obsession" a bit earlier in the evening (and getting her number)...all combined to have me feeling pretty good, and very laid-back.
he introduced himself. asked my name. where we'd just come from. what i "did". he said he was an artist...a painter. and that he was celebrating because a collection of his work had just been accepted by the local museum of art into their permanent collection. "yeah, right," i thought.
but strangely, his come-ons didn't bother me. he was sweet. charming. handsome, in a slightly "off" way. and i was only amused when, after i had told him that i was a lesbian and that this wasn't going to happen, he said he was going to sit right next to me and flirt with me, anyway. i just laughed. as long as i had put that out there...that it just wasn't going to happen...what was wrong with a little harmless flirtation? after all, i'm single now...i need the practice.
and i was looking pretty hot. a decidedly good hair day. black linen tunic with a mandarin-esque collar. loose, low-rise levi's that were fitting just right. my favorite black frye sandals that took forever to break in and have been resoled twice, but which i love. i looked good. hell...i'd date me.
i ordered a drink. kevin introduced me to the bar owner (clearly a jerk). i chatted with jeff, with greg, with kevin...and with keni. he showed me pictures of his beautiful nine-year-old son. he told me stories about when he was an mp (as in, military police). he talked about his artwork and an artists' exchange program that he'd done last year in europe.
it could have been the fact that he was an artist. it could have been that he was so into me. or it could have been simply that i was wasted and not thinking rationally.
but i think it was his eyes.
hazel. stunning in their intensity, and in their golden contrast against his cappucino-colored skin. when he looked at me, i couldn't look away. it was weird. i remember sitting there with this bemused look on my face...like, "i know i'm sitting here staring into your eyes, and that it makes NO sense, and it probably looks completely ridiculous if anyone's paying attention...but i can't stop." a little later, while we were all sitting at the bar in kevin's "dining room," keni and i were talking about something...music, i think...and mid-sentence, he leaned in to kiss me lightly...tentatively...while his eyes asked, "are you really gonna let me do this??" by the time he was finishing his sentence, post-kiss, i was thinking about how absolutely bizarre it was that the roughness of his goatee against my chin felt...different, but...surprisingly...not unpleasant. he took note of my response and kissed me again...this time, a little longer, a little less lightly. the third kiss was brimming with urgency, and my mouth opened to accept his tongue (and return the favor) before my brain could question it.
the feeling of being kissed like that...of being kissed at all...was exhilarating. i had been really "missing kissing"...since long before my girlfriend had moved out, even. but wow. once it was happening, once i was actually experiencing it firsthand, and not just in my head, i didn't think about this being not only a man, but a man i had just met. or about how it had been 18 years since i had last kissed a man like that. or about how i had assumed that my first real kiss after my recent breakup would be with a woman. sensation took over and i just stopped thinking altogether.
the next day, i would wonder what my friends had been thinking, watching this whole thing play out...their lesbian friend making out with a MAN! but at the time, i was living that particular moment and nothing else.
now...you have to realize how SO not me that is...to throw all caution to the wind and just do something because it feels good at the time, with no regard for consequence. i just don't work like that. at least not usually. not even after copious amounts of alcohol, or any other substance. i just don't do it. but there i was. doing that very thing.
not long after, jeff left to go home and greg and kevin were headed upstairs to bed. earlier, when i had accepted kevin's invitation to stay rather than risk a d.u.i. (or worse), i had figured it would be like last time...me sleeping in his spare bedroom, in my clothes. waking up early, disoriented, but alone. but this...this was a very different night.
i followed kevin and greg upstairs, and keni followed me. kevin walked in the spare room ahead of me and tossed a couple of condoms on the bed before bidding us good night and proceeding to his own room with greg. i laughed...like THAT was going to be necessary! i slipped out of my sandals and threw myself on the bed, fully clothed, still laughing.
keni wasn't laughing. he shook his head. "no," he said. "i want to see you."
he closed the door, then turned back to the bed and coaxed me to a sitting position. he raised my arms above my head and pulled off my shirt...then, the tank i was wearing under it. next, he unbuckled my belt, unbuttoned and unzipped my jeans, and slid them off. finally, he reached around me, kissing my shoulders, and unfastened my red bra, gently pulling it away from my body. i drew the line at my underwear...they were staying on. he was disappointed, but he acquiesced.
so there i was: always, always painfully self-conscious about my body, to the point where i'm rarely willing, or even able, to share it with anyone...almost completely naked. on a bed. with a man. a man who, inside of 10 seconds, was naked himself. his chiseled, tattooed, almost hairless body right next to mine. his lips on mine. his tongue in my mouth. his hands touching me...every part of me. not only did i not stop him...i encouraged him. i liked it. he felt good to me...warm. and present.
for the rest of the night and well into the morning, we alternated between frenzied groping and calm, quiet conversation while just lying there, tangled up in each other. he wanted to fuck, but he respected my boundaries (what few i had left) and didn't persist. he also wanted me to touch him...his penis...but i couldn't do it. i could barely even look at it...it was like, that brought me back to reality. and i wasn't ready for reality just yet.
"do i repulse you?" he asked, the confusion plain in his beautiful eyes. "no...if you did, i wouldn't be here." i don't know if he believed me, but i meant it. even so, i couldn't really explain what it was that i was feeling, or why i couldn't touch him the way that he wanted me to. the best i could muster was, "keni...i'm not the girl for you. and i need to go home."
he helped me dress, kissing the small of my back when i bent over to pick something up off the floor. he dressed, himself, and we went downstairs. greg had already left for work, but kevin was up and making coffee. "we didn't have sex," keni told him. "but please don't tell anyone we spent the night together. you know...not for me, but...to protect her...her reputation." i thought it was sweet. corny, but sweet.
on our way out, he stopped me just inside the door. "since this probably isn't going to happen again...i want to kiss you one more time." he put his arms around me and, continuing to ignore my protests of morning breath (mine), he kissed me. long and gently. like we'd known each other for years. like we were saying goodbye.
we thanked kevin and walked in opposite directions down the street, toward our respective cars. i sat there for a bit, letting him drive away before i pulled out. i caught up with him, though, at a red light a few blocks away. he looked at me in his rearview mirror, waved and, when the light turned green, made his turn.
i drove home, half convinced that this experience had been a dream. but my logic won the debate and allowed truth to settle in. "what the hell am i doing??", i kept asking myself over and over. but then i just laughed at myself. and smiled at the way that keni had somehow, miraculously, erased my inhibitions.
later, after some good weed, a long nap, and a lazy day, my curiosity got the best of me. suddenly, i had to see if i could find anything about him online. a single google search turned up bios...articles mentioning his european artist's residency...a couple of photos...online galleries of his work. and a press release about a collection of his work being donated, by a local corporation, to the museum of art.
maybe, just maybe...i inspired a painting.
7:33 PM
March 28, 2004
i'm baaaaack....on a completely different note....
the new job is good. i am completely and totally exhausted by a) the learning curve and b) the fact that i happened to start 3 weeks before 5 proposal deadlines fall within in a two-day period (april 1-2), so it's definitely a "trial-by-fire" kind of situation. i pretty much collapse every night when i get home and am worthless for anything more than feeding the cats, feeding myself (if i'm lucky), and getting my execu-drag ready for the following day. it's pitiful.
but it's all good. friday was a banner day. i gave a draft of a proposal to my boss, admitting to her that i felt like i was totally winging it. i mean, i really don't feel like i have the slightest idea what i'm doing. but she gave it back to me a few hours later, saying it looked great and she wouldn't change a thing. the program people still have to look it over, but...wow. that felt good. maybe i won't fall flat on my face and make them rue the day they ever hired me, after all.
and people there seem to be pretty cool. the whole "coming out" issue hasn't surfaced yet, so time will tell...but so far, so good. most everyone's been helpful and friendly and no one seems psycho (that's always a good sign).
the only really weird thing is that we are on total computer lockdown. no one is allowed access to their own hard-drives (thanks to all the renegades who downloaded all kinds of shit, fucked up their computers, and freaked out the computer support staff), so i can't do so much as change my own screen saver, let alone download software, delete cookies, or ensure the privacy of my own e-mail or web habits (no more blogging, no more shopping...it's downright crippling!). between that and making the mac-to-pc adjustment, i am not a happy computer user, at least not at work. and, after staring at the screen for 6-8 hours a day, i'm just not all that anxious to jump on the computer once i get home, especially given the exhaustion...hence, the blog-lag. it's just going to take some time to adjust and get into the habit of using my computer at home.
but...i guess that's why they call it "work". who knew?
1:52 AM
pathetic & stupidi haven't blogged in weeks...but here i am, at 1 a.m. on a saturday (or rather, sunday), blogging to keep myself from smoking a bowl and driving down to the club. where bad music is most certainly being played and where i most certainly have nothing to gain.
earlier tonite, i joined a friend, her new girlfriend, and her friend for drinks and then a local benefit production of the vagina monologues. it was surprisingly good, and a woman i used to date was a cast member. actually, we dated on two previous occasions...probably for a month about 13 years ago, and again for a couple of weeks about 7 years ago. basic incompatibility issues prevented us from ever being more than "dating," but i have always been drawn to her. she's a scorpio...and she's a black woman. historically, that combination gets me every time. but she also happens to be attractive. and smart. and talented. (and, as i recall, a really good kisser.)
so, after the show, we head over to the post-show reception at a nearby bar. i find myself watching the door, waiting for her to show up. what's that about? remember...i'm SO not dating. SO not even looking. i'm in love with someone. you know the story.
but she does show up, just as we're ready to leave. it's crowded...people are congratulating her...i don't know if she sees me or not. she makes her way to the back of the room and i lose sight of her. and then my companions are ready to move on to the next destination, so we leave.
a few hours later, i'm on my way home. debating whether or not to a) drive directly to the club and see if she's there; b) stop at home, smoke a bowl, and go to the club to see if she's there; c) go home and stay home.
this is ridiculous. what do i expect to gain?? worst case scenario, she's not there, i talk to no one (i haven't been out to this place in literally years...i'm sure i no longer know anyone who goes there), i spend money on drinks that i really don't need, or even want...and then i go home, feeling even more lonely than before. best case scenario, she's there...we talk...she flirts (which she has always done with me)...i flirt back...maybe we even kiss...and then i go home, feeling guilty and stupid and lonely and confused. how "best case scenario" is that??
you know why i wanted to run into her tonite? why i wanted to see her? because she pays attention to me (or at least, she has in the past). she says flirtatious, complimentary things. she makes me feel desirable. she makes me feel sexy. which is something i haven't felt in a very, very long time. i mean, c'mon...i lose 30 pounds, i'm feeling pretty good about myself...and my girlfriend of 5 1/2 years moves out. needs her space. leaves me with more space than i've ever wanted or needed.
oh, yeah...and did i mention the physical traits shared by this woman and sandra? short stature. glasses. chocolate skin. locs.
i am, like...so. fucking. pathetic.
1:07 AM
March 02, 2004
out the doorwell...one more day and i'm outta here. it feels weird. my office is almost completely devoid of character and personality, save for the lauryn, erykah, and meshell posters still on the wall. ahhhhh....i have so much history here. good and bad. these last few days, my boss has done a lot to remind me how fortunate i am to be leaving him behind. he gives a whole new range of meaning to the words, PATHETIC LOSER. trust.
i am so excited about our trip to indy for the tournament that i can't even verbalize it! having won 9 out of their last 10 games to place 3rd in the conference—including those against nationally ranked opponents—my buckeyes are playing better than they have all year. i have high hopes for them.
even better, this trip is feeling like the perfect way to transition between the old job and the new; i won't have a (work-related) thing to worry about while i'm gone and can just have fun. and i am SO looking forward to a block of uninterrupted time with sandra...where it doesn't end after just a few hours, leaving me wistful and sad and wishing things were more "normal." it will be hard when the long weekend comes to an end, i know...but i'm doing my best not to think about that and just seize the moment(s).
we're still trying to meet up with michelle and b, so that will be a good time for sure. plus, just being out of town is good sometimes. and then, after we get back home, i'll still have a few days to putter around the house, and relax...and make my cats love me again after they've been caged boarded at the vet for days and days.
see you all on the flip side.
6:19 PM
February 20, 2004
right to the riteeveryone's talking about it. del and phyllis did it. so did ej's friends. and the other nite, my friends joyce and denise called on their drive home from the san francisco courthouse to share that they had just waited 6 1/2 hours in line to do it. (fortunately, they had thought to bring a chair for the 9-months-pregnant-due-on-monday denise.)
i found derek powazek's site via a link over at michelle's. looking thru all his photographs, i cried. how can anyone look at these people...these happy, committed, and now married people...and think that it's anything but good and beautiful and right?
i ordered the poster and had it shipped to joyce and denise. "justly married," indeed.
whether we want to marry or not, we deserve the right to make that choice. it's just that simple.
3:40 PM
February 18, 2004
red gig, blue gig, old gig, new gigpeople keep asking me how the new job's going, so i guess that means that i never blogged about the timeline. oops.
the next 2 weeks: purge, pack, and wrap shit up at the old gig
february 29: last day at the part-time gig (at least for awhile...)
march 3: last day at the (full-time) old gig
march 4 or 5: board the cats and leave for indianapolis for the tournament
march 6 (or thereabouts, we hope): dinner w/ michelle and b?
march 8 (we hope): watch my buckeyes play in the tournament finals
march 9-14: rest, relax, and regroup
march 15-16: orientation at the new gig
march 17: my first day in my new office
so there you have it.
2:31 PM
February 13, 2004
stuff that makes me smile(because if i don't, i might cry.)
* "mr. isaac" fitting elmo for a tuxedo on the isaac mizrahi show.
* ellen degeneres dancing *singing that phrase to the tune of bananarama's "robert deniro's waiting"*
* sherri pulling up in front of my house the other night, driving a van full of kids from the guild, blocking traffic and yelling my name until i came outside.
* my buckeyes' HUGE win over the 10th-ranked gophers last night (perhaps there's hope for them in the big ten tournament, after all.).
* sandra talking basketball with the men sitting near us at the games, surprising them with the fact that she knows more about the game than they do.
11:01 AM
February 10, 2004
a note to r. kellyas much as i don't like you or your music, i often found myself humming along to the rather pleasing little melody that is "step in the name of love." until, that is, i actually listened to it recently.
in the first line, you sing, Many lovers has come, and Many lovers have gone. okay, so...did you figure out that you got it wrong the first time, so you just thought you'd correct it for the second? and, if so, why didn't you just go back and correct the first one, too? instead, you left it like that. (did you run out of studio time or something?) it makes you look like a total idiot dumb.
oh, and...why do you insist on pronouncing the word, similar as if it contains the letter, "u"...as in simular? this makes you look like an even bigger idiot dumb, too. over and over and over again.
come on, r'rra. there's creativity with language. there's "urban" slang. and then? there's just plain ignorance. and laziness. as if there weren't already enough reasons to dislike you....
i suggest you hire an editor. one with a grasp of the english language. please. mmm, thanks.
1:49 PM
February 06, 2004
revolutionslove is medicine for this life.
—kenna, "vexed & glorious" despite the week this has been, at least i've been enjoying new music. okay, so not exactly new-new, but new to me. so...just thought i'd share:
* joss stone, the soul sessions (thanks, ej *smile*)
* goapele, even closer (thanks again, ej!)
* anthony hamilton, comin' from where i'm from
* kenna, new sacred cow
* morcheeba, parts of the process
2:21 PM
February 05, 2004
the cardwhen i left to go to work this morning, i discovered that the front passenger window of my car had been busted out, and some things were stolen. not much, thankfully...the alarm (which i didn't hear) probably scared them off...just a leather portfolio (which must have slipped to the floor and eluded my glance around as i got out of the car) containing several copies of my resume (which is a little disconcerting), an engraved pen-and-pencil set that i got for my 5-year anniversary in this job (isn't that ironic?), a bunch of information about my new place of employment, some other papers, and the title to my car...the latter of which is, to my surprise, quite easily replaceable. they left $1.75 in parking meter money, 3 pairs of sunglasses, a hairbrush, an ice scraper/brush, 2 books, and the cd changer and cds in the trunk (which they didn't get into at all). so...no sweat. tho it was a little weird that my car had been parked in 3 different places yesterday between the time i left work and the time i got home...all of which were in the same rather questionable neighborhood...and nothing happened until i got home and parked in front of my own house, one block off one of the busiest streets in town, in a neighborhood with a very visible police presence.
but there was one more thing in that portfolio that cannot be replaced: they took the card. now, sandra has given me many, many cards and letters over the years, and i've kept them all. but that was the one i carried around with me. i usually forgot it was in there, amidst all the other papers and stuff. but i spotted it at some point yesterday, and my heart leapt...and then sank. so much has changed. i can hardly believe that it's 3 months ago today that she moved out.
i'm glad that i blogged about the card, so that its words...which conjure up my exact feelings upon receiving and reading it...are preserved for posterity (provided blogger doesn't just up and disappear someday). but this card, this symbol, is now gone. and i have cried several times today over that. isn't that crazy??
it's just that...that card so perfectly captured the experience of how we met...not to mention our feelings 5 years later. she had given it to me during a time when all was right with us, or at least it felt that way. and i'm so afraid that we won't be able to get to a place that feels like that, ever again.
and i fucking hate that fucking people just break into your fucking car and steal stuff that is completely meaningless to them and not even valuable, but that means so much to you. people suck.
11:33 AM
February 04, 2004
analyze thisso, even tho i don't start until mid-march, i went down to my new place of employment for a little "meet & greet" today. when i first walked in, the place was abuzz with all sorts of activity...people rushing around and busily collating reports...volunteers in their little logo'ed polo shirts, working with children...lots going on. when i saw my new boss, she said that she was busy finishing up something, and why didn't i take a little swim in the pond out back while i was waiting for her?
so i did just that. it was weird, tho, because there were thousands of ducks on the pond, just swimming around. it felt weird to be swimming amongst them...i saw their bright orange, webbed feet when i was swimming underwater, and i felt them brushing up against my skin as i moved around. at some point, i'd had enough swimming, so i swam to shore, went back inside, and got dressed.
except that, in my haste, i must've forgotten to dry off, because i was still dripping wet. and when i looked down, i was wearing some strange get-up that had one pant-leg, but the other half was a long skirt. just as i was trying to figure out what the hell it was that i had on and where my shoes were...while noticing that the bright red polish on my toenails was chipped...the president spotted me, his face lit up, and he rushed over. he was dressed really casually, in jeans and a button-down, which surprised me...everyone had been dressed all corporate-like when i was last there (for the interview). he was so happy to see me that he literally tackled me to the ground in a big hug. "i HAVE to talk to you," he said. we got up and he led me over to a sofa in the middle of all the activity. we sat down, and he actually came out to me! it was strange...because, during the interview, my gaydar had totally gone off with him, despite the pictures of the wife and kids scattered about the office. i guess it'd been accurate.
we talked a little while longer...and then suddenly, my mom showed up! the prez had to rush off, so mom and i had lunch in the hospital cafeteria. and then...i woke up. i don't usually remember this level of detail even minutes after i'm awake but, for some reason, i did with this dream. weird.
i actually am going down to the new gig for a little "meet & greet" this afternoon. and my gaydar actually did go off with the prez, despite the family photos. but THIS is the way that my subconscious works, people. and this was waaaay more detailed than when i dreamt, the night before my drug screen and fingerprinting last week, that i was supposed to take a swimming test but had forgotten to shave my legs.
should i be worried?? what's with all the swimming, anyway? and the chipped red toenail polish? and, for the love of god(dess), the DUCKS??
so i did a little online research on dream symbolism; here's what i came up with (or the relevant parts, anyway):water: symbolizes the unconscious; depths of imagination and creativity.
swimming: suggests venturing into the realm of the unconscious; swimming toward shore suggests good fortune in business and financial affairs, achieved through hard work.
being wet: suggests a transition phase; increasing flexibility; restoring life to something; immersing oneself in one's emotions.
ducks:suggest getting organized, as in putting one's ducks in a row; swimming ducks suggest a lucky journey.
my mom: symbolizes guidance and care. the brain is a fascinating thing.
2:17 PM
January 23, 2004
change & the comfort junkiei've been so busy that i haven't even had time to blog about it, but...
i've taken the new job.
you see, the "offer" made to me to stay late last week would have more appropriately been termed an "insult," on many levels. so...while i probably could have chosen to stay, i would not have respected myself in the morning. so it had to be done. i accepted the new job and gave my notice here on tuesday.
i was in shock for a few days. first, over the offer insult. no one likes to be told (in so many words) how completely unimportant and replaceable they are, especially when they know this to be false. second, over having to leave the place that has been my home—and (some of) its people, my family—for the last 9 years. i was in a total funk...couldn't stop crying...spent hours on the phone with my mother (who was distraught that we're a day's drive apart)...and went out drinking with "the boys" 3 nights in a row, which i haven't done in years. and i'm sure it still hasn't really hit me, even now.
late yesterday, the e-mail announcement of my impending departure went out. seconds later, my phone started ringing and my in-box started pinging. even if my boss and his superiors don't appreciate me—or even fully understand what it is that i do, and my impact on this operation—it's abundantly clear that my colleagues do. people are actually worried about how they will be able to do their jobs without me. i guess i can feel good about that.
i'm not to the point, yet, where i'm excited about my new job. i still have several weeks left here, and a lot to accomplish before i leave. and i'm sad. i can't even really explain my attachment to this place...it's somehow bigger than just the people i know, the things i've accomplished, the bad times i've survived. i just know that i feel sad when i think about leaving it.
and i'm scared. in the context of the rest of my life...more change is not what i wanted, or even what i thought i needed. i feel like i'm on that ride at the fair...where you get in the big giant cylindrical "room" and it spins around and around until the floor drops out. and you're glued to the walls by the centrifugal force.
but will my "floor" rise back up when the spinning stops? like it does on the ride? that's what i'm unsure about.
nope. no comfort zones, here. no-siree-robert.
1:30 PM
January 15, 2004
comfortthe alarm went off and i awoke to the pleasant drone of a voice on npr. before i was fully awake, there was my kala, all up in my face...thisclose. staring at me with her big green cat-eyes and doing that purr-breathing thing she does...a cross between the two that is all her own. even when i reached over to hit the “snooze” button, she didn’t move. she just sat there contentedly, all black and sleek and gorgeous...studying my face and, finally, brushing my cheek with her little pink sandpaper tongue.
still nestled in the crook of my knee was my harper lee. i think he spent the entire night in the same spot...his solid little body shifting with mine, riding the movements like a wave and settling back in when they ceased. harper lee is my beautiful, tabby-striped boy. he’s been with me since kittenhood and he’ll be 12 this spring. sometimes, when i ask him a question, he looks at me with his ice-blue eyes and nods his head, slowly...like a genie granting a wish in slow motion. he knows exactly what i say to him. i know it.
sure, sometimes they stay close to me purely for the body heat. and because they’re strictly indoor cats (there’s just too much danger beyond my doors), it’s not like they have a choice to live anywhere else. but this morning, i thanked them anyway. one by one, i gently held each of their little faces, looked them in the eyes, and thanked them, out loud, for being with me...and for comforting me when i need it (which, lately, is often)...and for all they bring to my life.
what we have, my felines and i? it’s love, in its purest form.
—inspired by michelle
3:47 PM
January 12, 2004
finallyso, yes. after much anticipation (and 3 inquiring calls from my mother in the last 20 hours), it's finally happened. i have an actual job offer. in writing. right here in my hot little hands.
i told my boss. he's "talking to people," to see if a reasonable offer can be made to entice me to stay. i really have no idea what they will say. people don't get 14% raises around here very often, if ever (unless they're those people who make tons of money for doing almost nothing; those kind of people seem to get whatever it is they want), but...dare i say it?...i deserve it. and my skills, experience, work ethic, attention to detail, and commitment to serving my clients—not to mention my wit, charm, intrigue, and endless supply of smarties—will be impossible difficult to replace.
i like that it's temporarily out of my hands...i.e., that i can't really make any decisions until i find out what (if anything) they're willing to do to make me stay.
we shall see....
5:42 PM
January 09, 2004
in the stars cloudsCapricorn Horoscope for week of January 8, 2004
Following Castro's revolution in 1959, 11-year-old Carlos Eire was exiled forever from his beloved homeland of Cuba. Raised in America, he became a Yale professor, but never lost his yearning for paradise lost. His recent memoir, Waiting for Snow in Havana, recounts his cherished memories. "In the past 38 years," he wrote, "I've seen 8,917 clouds in the shape of the island of Cuba." What's your equivalent, Capricorn? A missing treasure you're reminded of whenever you gaze upon the ripples in a lake? A fugitive dream that floats across your mind's eye as you're falling asleep? I predict you will be united with it in 2004. A crucial pointer will arrive soon. Watch the clouds. if rob brezsny is right, i will kiss him.
9:32 AM
January 06, 2004
14,243 days*you probably haven't yet noticed that one tiny detail on the template of this page has changed. that's not because it's twelfth night (or, more accurately, twelfth day). or because it's epiphany. it's because today is my birthday.
i'm 39 today, and i'm not even freaked out about it. i declared years ago that i would never, ever lie about my age...because it's one of those things that "most women" (and a lot of gay men) do that is just so wrong. i loathe this culture's obsession with youth and its progressive devaluation of people—women, in particular—as they grow older. we should get props for surviving! for making it through another year. for gaining a year's worth of experience and wisdom. but because i live within this culture, i'm subjected to all those subtle and not-so-subtle messages, just as everyone else is. and they seep into my consciousness sometimes, whether i want them to or not. so...maybe i am a little freaked out. not necessarily with this particular number, but because the next one seems to loom a bit ominously. and because on my last birthday, i never would have imagined that my life would look like this. some things you just never quite expect....
but anyway....
i took the day off, purely so that i wouldn't have to set my alarm and get up early (so of course, i woke up at 4...). no huge plans...today, i'm going to change the tag on my license plate and, while i'm at it, affix my new buckeye women's basketball license plate frame. i'm going to go stand in line at the bmv to renew my driver's license. i'm going for a haircut. and tonite, sandra's taking me to a movie and then out to dinner, which i'm looking forward to more than anything.
happy birthday to me. capricorns rule (right, anitra?).
* that's 365 x 39 + an estimated 8 extra days to account for the leap years.
10:19 AM
January 02, 2004
alieni went to a new year's eve party where i was the only woman among probably 20 gay, mostly white men. some of these guys i have known for a decade or more...most i wouldn't necessarily call "friends" (a term i think is thrown around all too loosely), but i join them every once in awhile for happy hour at a favorite spot, and have been doing so a little more regularly for the last 8 months or so. they're a fun group of guys and i've always felt comfortable with them. they call me "gorgeous," and comment on how much weight i've lost (even if no one else has), and tell me they love me (even tho i know they don't know me well enough to love me). yeah, they stroke my ego. and i admit that the attention sometimes feels good...but fuck it. my bruised and lonely little ego can use a little attention right about now.
so anyway, i'm chillin' with the boys, a couple of them in particular. it's close to midnite, so we've switched to champagne (which was actually quite good...i guess i'd never before had good champagne), and talking, and making plans for a joint capricorn birthday celebration next friday, when one of them—a guy whom i don't know all that well, but whom i've really come to like over the last few months...a guy i've been thinking i could maybe go to the movies with, or hang out with in some other non-drinking-type capacity—uses the n-word in reference to the upcoming martin luther king jr. holiday.
i was shocked. my eyes got really wide and my face got really hot and i couldn't even say anything for probably at least a minute. i kind-of moved away from him on the sofa and just looked at him. he realized that i was upset, and he started stumbling all over his apologies. i told him that using that word just wasn't cool, and he launched into the whole excuse of how (black) people where he works use that word all the time, blah blah blah...and i could hardly even believe that i was sitting there, having to explain to a 32-year-old man—up until that moment, someone i had thought i kinda liked, who perhaps could possibly become a friend—that that doesn't make it okay for him to use it. a whole big discussion ensued—also involving the words "dyke" and "f*g" (the latter of which i also avoid), and when it is and is not okay to use those words—which was then interrupted by the countdown to midnite...and i was actually glad. i was SO not in the mood for that conversation. and i was disappointed that i had to be having it in the first place, and having it with him.
a little later, another guy there—whom i've also gotten to know a little better in the past few months, and whom i'd also kind-of decided was pretty cool—wanted to ask me a question, which turned out to be: "why do you only date black women?" i explained that i didn't, that i had actually dated a number of white women in the past. which he countered with, "well, as long as i've known you, the only women you've been with have been black." which is true, but...SO?? he told me that maybe i would have more in common with white women...i guess he perceives that i've not had much in common with sandra or sherri, and that's why i'm alone again. and then, shortly after midnite, when a whole group of (white) lesbians from a neighboring party came strolling thru, he made some comment about "finding me one"...even tho i've told him more than once that i'm not even looking...and SO not interested in the dating thing.
*sigh*
to top off the evening, those whom i would call my friends (and all the lesbians) had left by 12:30 or so and, shortly thereafter, everyone else was headed off to the exile—a leather-and-levis-only club where women are not welcomed most nites, graphic drawings and photographs depicting man-on-man sex are plentiful, and the, uhhh, "furniture" includes cages, a giant "x" structure, and a rough wooden chair, the latter two of which are equipped with hand- and ankle-cuffs (which i only know because we've played darts there, on wednesdays when the cages have tabletops and the other stuff is shoved in the corner). people who had, earlier in the evening, expressed concern about how i would get home if i'd had too much to drink (which, fortunately, i hadn't) disappeared and i walked the block-and-a-half to my car alone.
could i have just read these guys totally wrong? am i making a bigger deal of their comments and actions than is warranted? or are my expectations of them simply too great? i don't know. amidst a group of people i've always been happy to be around...all of a sudden, i felt incredibly out of place. those conversations haven't quit bugging me, a day and a half later. and i feel let down. disappointed. and a little bit more lonely.
11:28 AM
blueso, no...i haven't been blogging. and it's been on purpose. i've been busy, but not that busy. i've just been...sad. parts of the whole holiday scene were enjoyable, but more parts were not. even with 2 jobs, i've just had WAY too much "alone time." it hasn't been pretty. in fact, it's been downright pathetic. but...it's my blog, and i'll whine if i want to (whine if i want to, whine if i want to...).
(if you stop reading right here, i promise i won't hold it against you.)
i don't want to be this sad, pathetic person. but i don't know what it's going to take to pull myself out of it. sure, i evade it for awhile by doing things that i like to do. spending time with enjoyable people. laughing when something is funny. playing with kala and harper lee. watching a lot of movies, and escaping into those worlds for a time. but escapism is only temporary. then it's back to being blue.
i know it's supposed to be okay to allow myself to feel the way i feel...but at the same time, i know this can't go on forever. i'm going have to figure out how to be happy on my own. but that just seems impossible. i cannot imagine real happiness without her...having experienced it with her.
i know, i know...it could be worse. a lot worse. i'm lucky that we even met (given the odds, geographic and otherwise, against it). i'm grateful that we've had the time together that we've had. that she has no interest in erasing me from her life. that we still spend quite a bit of time together. that there's even a possibility of reconciliation, sometime down the road. but...being thankful and being happy are not the same thing.
i want to be both.
10:48 AM
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