June 10, 2005
 off to iowaafter taking tomorrow to decompress after this hectic week, sunday i'll be embarking on my first trip to iowa in almost 2 years. i'll get to see this little guy (for the first time since labor day), as well as my sister, brother-in-law, parents, and various other relatives...most of whom just want to see jeffy, but are feigning interest in seeing me, too. just to be polite.
it's a long, solitary 10-hour drive that i dread...but once i'm there, it will be good to see everyone and to kiss this little boy's face. i will be all OVER those cheeks.
and i need to see my parents. mom turned 73 this year, and dad is about to turn 72. they are both in excellent health for their ages, but still...you just never know. despite the things they've put me through since i was born, i love them and always will, and will be devastated when it's their time to leave this life. so i need some time with them while they're still here.
send me your "safe travel" vibes. i still don't have a cell phone, but i did just make a big sign that says, "PLEASE CALL 911." you know...just in case.
3:28 PM
May 24, 2005
disappointed
so. i broke things off with v last week. just a few days shy of what would have been 4 months. this is just the second time, ever, that i’ve broken up with someone (the first being just last fall).
it had been coming for awhile...since not long after i had returned from my trip to london and amsterdam. there was a series of 3 events--the second of which happened the very day after i got back--during which her behavior really bothered me...it just wasn’t what i want to see from the person with whom i’m involved (for various reasons, upon which i won’t elaborate). but then there were other things too, that i just couldn’t seem to get over. seemingly small, insignificant things...but when taken together, they added up to bigger things. it took me weeks to get to a place where i knew that breaking up was the right thing to do. i talked to her the day that it crystallized for me...last thursday.
but it wasn’t soon enough. she feels betrayed, and that i lied to her...which, essentially, is true. i allowed her to think that everything was "okay" between us, when it wasn’t. deep down, i think she knew that it wasn’t...but i told her it was, and she believed me. i tried to explain that i talked to her as soon as i could...as soon as i was emotionally able to do it...but it was still too late.
i love her, and i feel terrible for hurting her.
and i miss her. her presence in my house. her sweet, romantic gestures, like flowers for no reason, or the fabulous meals she’d prepare. other little things she’d do for me, like bringing in the mail and wheeling the garbage can back to its place on trash day. the way that she’d come home from work, look at harper lee (my beloved 13-year-old cat, whom she loves), and say, "i thought about you all day." her deep, deep brown eyes...and the way they lit up when she looked at me. her caramel skin. her full, pink, freckled lips. her high, cherokee cheekbones. the line of her collarbone. her perfect breasts. her flat, smooth belly. her long arms and strong hands. the curve of her ass....
we connected in so many ways. intellectually. emotionally. physically. i marveled at the fact that sometimes, we actually talked about books during sex.
it struck me that, when you break up with somone, you mourn not just what you’ve lost, but what you had thought you could have in the future. when things were great between us, and i was so happy, i had big, elaborate dreams of our life together. with a couple of kids and a house filled with love. there was a time when i thought..."she’s the one."
now, my sadness and my disappointment are written all over my face...i am transparent. having told only a few people at work about this relationship (for various reasons), i can’t really even explain that i’m going thru a breakup. i am intentionally vague.
this just sucks.
5:00 PM
May 09, 2005
good question, sweetie
We’re not asking the president to get married to a
dude so why should he have any say? --joss stone
8:45 AM
April 19, 2005
6 years ago
today is the 6th anniversary of the unexpected death of my brother, jeff...way before his time. it never matters what else is going on in my life when this day rolls around each year...i always wake up feeling uneasy and sad, sometimes without even realizing why.
and then it hits me.
in addition to the terrible fact that he is gone--which is, of course, bad enough all by itself--there are 2 aspects of his death that have continued to haunt me:
- right before he died, while he was sick (with what, no one knew), i was going thru the craziest professional period of time that i had ever experienced, or have since. working 70+ hour weeks, totally stressed out about meeting impossible deadlines, in way over my head. so i didn't call him. each night as i came home, completely exhausted, unable to even reason clearly, i told myself that, once the deadline had been met and i was free of this particular project, i would call him. we would catch up. discuss the possibility of me going to visit.
- at the time of his death, i hadn't seen him, in person, in almost 5 years. so the image that pops into my head is not his tousled hair, his crooked smile, or that distinctive chuckle. it's the one from the funeral.
*sigh* this is just always a very fucked-up day.
4:27 PM
April 15, 2005
notes from london & amsterdam, part I
it's already a week later, and i'm still on a high from the london & amsterdam concerts featuring meshell ndegeocello and the spirit music jamia. i would imagine my traveling companion deshigrrrl is, as well. *grin*
we were at the jazz cafe in london for the show on friday, april 8. incredible. the place was packed with a sold-out crowd. shortly after 9 pm, with no opening act (which i've come to really appreciate), meshell and smj--chris dave on drums, michael cain on piano/keys, ron blake on tenor & baritone sax, dahu mumagi on soprano & tenor sax, and dj jahi sundance (son of oliver lake & brother of gene)--came onstage and started in on a mix of songs from dance of the infidel and others i hadn't heard before. true to form, meshell has once again assembled a group of exceptional musicians, each a true artist in his own right.
chris dave busted a drum during one of the first few songs...it was the first time i'd seen him, and he was fantastic. ron blake on sax was so much fun to watch...the look on his face following his off-the-hook solos was priceless. and of course, meshell. she was smiling and laughing on stage in a way i'd not seen during the 10 previous performances i'd witnessed over the last 10+ years....so great to see her having fun (or at least appearing to). i hadn't seen her live in a couple of years, and i think she just gets better and better on bass all the time. i was blown away.
but alas....we had no idea what would be in store for us in amsterdam the following night. first, the paradiso is a fabulous venue. large dance floor in front of a raised stage, 2 additional floors of balcony space, beautifully back-lit stained-glass windows behind the stage. the (again) sold-out crowd was large and very engaged, even more so than the previous night's crowd in london had been. smj came onstage shortly after 9, again playing a mix of songs from the new album and songs i either hadn't heard before, or had only just heard in london.
perhaps it was the fact that it was the last show on this leg of the tour (tho smj is headed back to europe, including the netherlands, later this spring). perhaps it was the ability--on the part of the band and/or the crowd--to smoke freely. perhaps the planets were aligned just right. but something was different in amsterdam. the show was magical. mystical. absolutely phenomenal. each member of the band seemed to have taken his/her musicianship to a different level...transcending the confines of this earth. i didn't want it to end, ever.
meshell was, again, smiling and laughing onstage...she appears to revel in no longer being the "frontman," the star. and on the bass?? she was in a total zone, and she took me right along with her. she played a particular bass line in one song (which is not on dance of the infidel) that i still have in my head, crystal clear, a week later (and i'm no musician, so this is not something i do on the regular).
as you may know, this was my first trip abroad, planned (by deshigrrrl and me) around these 2 shows. there were times when i threw back my head and laughed out loud...i was just so happy to be there, and almost incredulous that i was. then, there were other times when the music nearly brought me to tears. this range of emotion wasn't unfamiliar...meshell's music has had that effect on me since i first heard it in '93. but the atmosphere(s) added another dimension to the shows, and to the trip, that i wouldn't trade for anything.
this was an experience that i will hold in my head and in my heart, forever.
2:40 PM
March 01, 2005
[that outkast song]
i’ve been experiencing a strange phenomenon lately...the complete and utter evaporation of time. poof.
one moment, v and i are lying in bed, laughing about something. the next moment, we’re lying in bed, laughing about something else. the thing is...it’s likely that 3-4 hours have passed between those two moments. 8-10 hours on a weekend. no joke! it’s uncanny. and so not conducive to keeping a house tidy. (her) studying. blogging. reading. or even shopping. with the exception of a few brief online forays for valentine’s day gifts, i haven’t shopped since i met her. for me? that is very strange, indeed.
but do i really want to clean my house and do laundry all that much? am i distressed that i haven’t blogged in two weeks? am i really all that interested in reading right now? do i really need anything enough to shop for it?
well...no. there’s really nothing i’d rather be doing than spending time with her. getting to know one another better than any two people probably have any business knowing one another after five short weeks. but you know how “we” do...when thinking about longevity in lesbian relationships, i've heard that one should think in terms of “dog years”...which means that we’ve actually been seeing each other for almost 9 months. :)
but alas...it’s not all about me. she needs to study. and--while we both know it’s not my job to schedule her time, or to keep her on the path to what she’s trying to accomplish--i hate being a detriment to her academic goals, on any level. i suppose it’s all about balance...but we’re still trying to figure all that out.
meanwhile...there is just never, ever enough time.
3:10 PM
February 14, 2005
v-daya month or so ago, i was chatting with a co-owner of one of my fave hangouts, and he was telling me how he already had a bunch of dinner reservations for valentine's day. he said to me, "now, we'll just have to get you married off by then, so you can come in for dinner, too." i was like...yeah. right.
but then...? i ran into v (whom i had first met several months ago) . for the first time, we had an actual conversation. a week later, she surprised me by showing up at the capricorn party (a capricorn herself, she had thought the energy would be good. it was). not that i'm "married off" or anything. and there are no u-hauls involved. but there have been these last three weeks....
once again, i find myself back at the new vibe. can i just say, "wow"?! it sure is nice to actually have a "valentine" on valentine's day. she has to work tonight, but we had our own little celebration yesterday. even better...every day is "v-day." *grin* happy valentine's day to you. spread the love.
1:58 PM
February 09, 2005
remembrance of things past
(props to will shakespeare & marcel proust)
i’m thinking, now, that the very act of putting a new vibe out into the universe is automatically “shakin’ shit up in the ‘05.” no time wasted here!
while checking my e-mail one morning a coupla weeks ago, i discovered a message from someone from my past. someone with whom i was once in love...someone with whom i had a kinda-sorta off-and-on (mostly off) thing for about 2 years, but with whom i’ve had almost no contact in nearly 13. someone who not only broke my heart, but whose subsequent and utter carelessness with my feelings had me feeling like it'd been ripped it out of my chest, flung to the ground, and stomped to bloody shreds (tho i eventually came to realize that i’d completely set myself up for that very thing).
now? after all this time? she wants my forgiveness. she wants to “know [me] again.” and for me to know her.
it so happens that i’d had literally no sleep the night before discovering this e-mail, which may have contributed to the wide range of things that i felt upon reading it. feelings like:
* surprise: why is she contacting me now, after all these years?
* shock: i’ve googled myself, and my blog doesn’t come up. how the hell did she even find me?
* irritation: the nerve that she even tried! that she is asking for anything from me!
* nostalgia: we did have some good times together....
* a little residual sadness: how could i have thought i’d found my soul mate, only to have it end how it did?
* self-forgiveness: but i was young. and naive. and stupid.
* self-satisfaction: see? i knew she’d regret breaking my heart one day.
* uncertainty: do i respond? if so, what is there to say?
* apathy: do i even care?? it was all so long ago. and it's so far outside my circle of priorities right now.
i haven’t responded...haven’t really decided whether or not i even will. tho i’m guessing she’ll be reading this not long after i’ve posted it (ohhhh, the wonder that is the IP address...).
an interesting few weeks, indeed.
4:27 PM
February 04, 2005
life's a tripit’s funny...when you put a new vibe out into the universe, you can sometimes sense that it’s been recognized. by whom or what, i’m not sure...being agnostic, i’m not sure that i ever will. but sometimes, things? things just start to happen. people are drawn to you. opportunities flow your way. life starts to look a little different. more exciting, maybe, or just more interesting.
early last week, i was perusing updates to the most definitive meshell web site ever and took note of her european tour this spring to promote the spirit music jamia: dance of the infidel, her long-awaited new jazz album. on a whim, i checked airfare prices, just to see. well, between $650 and $800 for airfare alone just didn’t seem feasible, so i dismissed it as just another of my crazy ideas.
the next day, i got an e-mail from deshi, with a subject line reading “crazy idea.” and i had a feeling.
to make a long story short, i’m flying to chicago in april, where i’ll join deshi on a plane to london. we’ll spend 2 nights there, the second of which we’ll see meshell and the spirit music jamia at the jazz cafe. the following morning, we’ll board a plane to amsterdam, where we’ll see the show again (!) at the paradiso. we'll then have an entire day and evening to explore the city that's been on my top-3 list of places to visit for YEARS, and see what kind of trouble we can get into.
and it really is happening. we still have some reservations to make, but we've bought tickets for both concerts and have one of the hotel rooms reserved.
now, first...i’ve never before been abroad. sure, i’ve been to canada several times, including vancouver and toronto and a pristine lake in northern ontario. i’ve also been about 3 steps into mexico, to shop in a little border town across the rio grande. but europe? it's just never been in my cards. i was supposed to go to london for a class when i was in college, either my sophomore or my senior year, but the money was just never there. and then, when i was planning to visit my sister in barcelona while she was living there, my job was suddenly eliminated, and the money i'd been saving for the trip had to be used for rent.
second...while deshi and i have been e-mailing each other for years, since we first met on a (now-defunct) meshell message board...we really don't know each other all that well. we did meet for dinner a little over a year ago, when i was in chicago presenting at a conference...and we had talked on the phone a few times prior to making arrangements for this trip. still, "european travel companions" is not what i would have pegged us. yet it became apparent that she is the only person i know who would and could actually travel to europe specifically to see a meshell show, and vice versa. so it's gonna be great.
yeah...life’s a trip, for real. *grin*
3:58 PM
January 25, 2005
capricornucopiaeven tho the date (january 22nd) had gotten pushed into the aquarius zone and many invitees apparently decided not to brave the snow, wind, and frigid temps, the much-anticipated capricorn party on saturday--celebrating my 40th birthday, jeff's 50th, jon's 33rd, and and those of various other caps who joined us--was a blast.
i am becoming quite the special-occasion guest at rog and steven's, having just spent x-mas eve and a portion of x-mas day with them, when my holiday travel plans to iowa were derailed by the "frozen parfait of disaster" (aka, freezing rain + snow + more freezing rain + more snow), as well as new year's eve. and i've known for years that those boys can throw a party. but with the help of brian, shawn, greg, eddie, and wayne, they definitely outdid themselves this time. fabulous food, drinks galore, wonderful people, titillating conversation, amazing gifts, and the best birthday cake i've ever had in my life from a piece of cake, all in the exceedingly warm and inviting and comfortable atmosphere that is their home. i even forgave them for inscribing everyone's ages beneath their respective names on said cake...'cause you know i am embracing 40. a few random highlights: - feeding everyone bites of cake from the giant slab that bore my name.
- my “big-girl cup” (i.e., a large glass tumbler), instead of the little plastic glasses that everyone else was using for cocktails.
- my nat sherman fantasia party cigarettes.
- "sophisticated adult refreshments" in the upstairs tv room, and other assorted decadence.
- v's arrival when i least expected it.
capricorns rock. but those who love us and throw us spectacular parties rock more.
10:17 AM
January 20, 2005
don't spend a dime todaysomeone forwarded this to me and i thought it was worth passing on. except for whatever my heat, electricity, water, and the gasoline already in my car are costing (i do have my limits), i'm not spending a cent today. join me?
Not One Damn Dime Day
Since our religious leaders will not speak out against the war in Iraq, since our political leaders don'thave the moral courage to oppose it...Inauguration Day, Thursday, January 20th, 2005, is "Not One Damn Dime Day" in America.
On "Not One Damn Dime Day," those who oppose what is happening in our name in Iraq--not to mention those who oppose the millions and millions of dollars that will be spent on, of all things, the inaugural "celebration"--can speak up with a 24-hour national boycott of all forms of consumer spending.
During "Not One Damn Dime Day," please don't spend money. Not one dime for gasoline. Not one dime for necessities or for impulse purchases. Not one dime for anything for 24 hours.
On "Not One Damn Dime Day," please boycott Wal-Mart, Kmart, and Target. Please don't go to the mall or the local convenience store. Please don't buy any fast food (or any groceries at all, for that matter). For 24 hours, please do what you can to shut the retail economy down.
The objective is simple. Remind the people in power that the war in Iraq is immoral and illegal; that they are responsible for starting it, and that it is their responsibility to stop it. "Not One Damn Dime Day" is to remind them, too, that they work for the people of the United States of America, not for the international corporations and K-Street lobbyists who represent the corporations and funnel cash into American politics.
"Not One Damn Dime Day" is about supporting the troops. The politicians put the troops in harm's way. Now, 1,200 brave young Americans and (some estimate) 100,000 Iraqis have died. The politicians owe our troops a plan – a way to come home.
There's no rally to attend. No marching to do. No left or right wing agenda to rant about. On "Not One Damn Dime Day," you take action by doing nothing. You open your mouth by keeping your wallet closed. For 24 hours, nothing gets spent, not one dime, to remind our religious leaders and our politicians of their moral responsibility to end the war in Iraq and give America back to the people.
8:44 AM
January 19, 2005
catching up, starting freshso, deshi wants to know what i’ve been up to during my extended hiatus from blogging. aside from continuing to be challenged at work (in one way or another); doing my usual friday happy hour thing with my boys (which often goes way beyond the traditional few hours after work); first anticipating, and now thoroughly enjoying, basketball season; and building a small obsession with collection of martin gordon striped shirts (if you own one, you understand)...i can honestly say, not a whole helluva lot.
i’ve been lazy. obviously not blogging. not really reading a lot (tho i’m trying to ease my way back into it). watching a lot of tv (albeit some of it, really, really good tv). blazing through my netflix queue at a speed that makes it a really good deal.
okay, so i did turn 40 this month. while the birthday itself wasn’t a big deal (as much as i had dreaded it for a few months prior), i do feel like this is a turning point. last year was my “rebuilding” year. it was a little rough at times. i cried a lot. some days...some entire weeks...were a struggle. start to finish.
this year, i’ve got: - my motto: shakin’ shit up in the ‘05. i'm not sure yet what exactly i'll be shakin' up, but it'll be somethin'. trust.
- my mantras: look forward and not back. focus on what i have, instead of on what i don’t. and redefine, redefine, redefine. that last one, in terms of my relationship to/with sandra. if i want her in my life at all--which i do--i MUST accept that it’s on new terms, as reluctant as i've been to see it as permanent.
- a whole new attitude. if i don’t change my own mindset, no one else will. nor will anyone want to hang out with me. ever, ever again.
i also have anitra (goddess love her) saying things like, "you're still one of the most rockstar-ish people i know. heh." :D at 40...what more could i want??
4:39 PM
January 18, 2005
three’s a charmnot that you care...but this week’s women’s ncaa rankings are out and my buckeyes are...*drum roll*...NUMBER THREE in the country. woooo hoooooo!!
this comes on the heels of an amazing game against then-number-four-ranked rutgers on sunday. i was there, in my row-e seat, waving my spirit towel (which i know makes me a complete and total dork), booing the refs’ bad calls, and going hoarse with the best of 'em.
this ranking matches the program’s highest in its 40-year history...back in 1992-93 when katie smith was playing (and i wasn’t yet paying much attention). katie, by the way...when she’s not tearing up opposing pro teams during the summer...is on the ohio state bench as an assistant coach a grad assistant, along with her lynx teammate, tamika williams (who really is an assistant coach).
now if they can just maintain their nation-leading field-goal percentage (52.4%), continue to kick some defensive ass, and hang on through the regular season, sandra (forever, i hope, my hoops companion) and i will find ourselves scrambling for final-four tickets, come march.
go. bucks.
10:07 AM
January 17, 2005
mlk daywhile part of me wants to wax philosophical about this day, who and what it commemorates, and why it's a whole lot more than a just day off from work (for some, anyway)...sorry, kids. it's just not happening.
i started the day feeling bitter that i am working today, on a federal holiday when everyone i know (except, of course, my colleagues) is off. (*whispering* especially after a rare sunday evening of spirited carousing, for which i am now paying dearly. )
but thanks to aaron mcgruder’s installment for yesterday, i feel a little better.
11:39 AM
January 14, 2005
don't call it a comeback. i've been here for years. --ll cool j
some experiences, however inconsequential, simply cannot pass by without comment.
today, a baby shower luncheon was scheduled for one of three women in our office who is pregnant. earlier in the day, much squealing was going on around the corner from my office, so i popped out to see what the fuss was about. several female staff members had gathered around “mom”. it seems that she had just been presented with a “baby”...one of those creepy, “lifelike” infant dolls that parents sometimes use to teach their little girls (and sometimes boys, if mom and dad are striving for gender-neutrality) how to nurture.
okay....?
the expectant mother was encouraged to carry around “baby” for the entire work day. so far, i believe she has. at the luncheon, when she presented “baby” to her husband (who had been invited in for the occasion), he took it reluctantly, held it for a hot 3 seconds, and promptly returned it to her, with an absolutely priceless look on his face.
as if the whole “baby” thing is not scary enough... “baby” actually belongs to another woman on staff, one of 3 vice presidents who is in her mid-50s and has children in high school and college. apparently, it had been a gift from her staff (including 2 of the 3 now-pregnant women) last year. apparently, she had really wanted it. apparently, she thinks it’s “precious.”
the workplace? it can be frightening.
p.s.-- yeah. i'm back.
3:20 PM
|
|
