an esoteric soul

* * *

"No one's striving to be Miles Davis. Everybody's striving to get paid. And, you know, I wanna be like Miles Davis."
~Meshell Ndegeocello

order dance of the infidel

click for all things meshell

reading...
life on the color line: the true story of a white boy who discovered he was black by gregory howard williams

recently finished...
anagrams by lorrie moore

the dew breaker by edwidge danticat
(thanks, deshi!)

the mysteries of pittsburgh by michael chabon

she's not there: a life in two genders by jennifer finney boylan

venture...
all about george
anziblog
bgb.com
the brotherlove
btrfly_locs
the desh in me
ej flavors
kevin.daily
lynne d johnson
naya hri
NegroPlease
nubian soul
on a path
pheline
sister outsider
prime time
small hands
studpoet.com
that bitch

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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...

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an esoteric soul

December 23, 2002

holidaze

being agnostic makes this time of year a little weird for me...i feel like a great big ball of contradiction.

i grew up celebrating christmas like i'd imagine most people who celebrate it do (at least in the midwestern u.s.): with gift giving and receiving, copious amounts of home-cooked food, traveling long distances (often in inclement, if not downright dangerous, weather) to be with loved ones...that kind of thing. the adults always stressed "the real meaning of christmas"...lest we forget that it was not supposed to be all about the presents. special church functions (e.g., services, youth and children's programs) were always a part of the deal.

but what's "the real meaning of christmas" for a non-christian? for someone like me...raised christian (lutheran, to be exact), but who has not only made a conscious decision to stop practicing, but who no longer believes? am i a hypocrite for celebrating a holiday i don't even believe in? sure sounds like it.

part of continuing to celebrate christmas has been about my family. they celebrate it...they give me gifts...they have expectations that i'll come "home" to join them for their celebration (tho, like this year, i don't always meet that expectation). it would feel very strange to just suddenly stop reciprocating. plus...my mother prays for my soul enough as it is. if i stopped acknowledging december 25th as a holiday, it'd probably put her right over the edge she's teetering on.

a bigger part of it is that i find immense pleasure in giving gifts, and christmas gives me a socially-validated excuse to go "all out" with that. i love to shop, and this time of year, i get to do a lot of it. i pay close attention to my people year-round, so that when it comes time to shop for them, i know exactly what to get, exactly what will please them the most. i wrap each gift carefully and creatively, so that receiving a gift from me (as sherri says) is "a party." i love watching people unwrap their gifts, seeing their faces light up when they see what's inside (or imagining it, if i'm not there). if i suddenly stopped celebrating christmas, i would lose a prime opportunity for all these activities that i love...for these little ways to show people how much i care about them. yeah, i suppose i could celebrate the solstice instead, but...that wouldn't feel quite right, either.

this year, because sherri and niq and the kids (robert, 14; ja'nique, 8; lamont, 6)—plus an extra kid "on loan" for the evening (d'errin, 4)—are coming over for christmas eve...i felt compelled to get a tree. how can you have kids over for christmas, and not have a tree?? it's only 4 feet tall, and it's not even real (tho it's cute for a fake tree), but it's the first christmas tree i've ever bought for my own home. even that felt strange at first. but at 1 o'clock on sunday morning, when s and i stumbled in, all martini-laden from a holiday party/stonewall benefit and were too wound-up to sleep, what did we do? we put up and decorated our first christmas tree. and in an odd sort of way, it felt like we were starting our own new tradition...something we can share with our kids (when we have them...and minus the martinis).

s and i have already started a new tradition by agreeing that we're not going to spend christmas apart anymore, despite pressure from our respective families to be with them. the last several times i've gone to see my parents for the holiday, i've ended up in tears at least one point during the visit, anyway...so why have i separated myself from my lover/partner/best-friend-in-the-whole-wide-world for THAT? on the one hand, i feel good about taking that stand. on the other hand, why is it so important to me to be with s on a holiday that i don't even believe in?

there is the fact that she believes in it, and it's important to her for us to be together on christmas...so maybe that's what it is. but it feels like it's equally as important to me. why is that? am i just hanging on to what should, for me, be a day like any other day, because it's convenient, because it feels good? is picking the parts that i enjoy, and discarding the rest, offensive to people who believe in and celebate the whole shebang?

s said recently that, once we have kids, she wants to start celebrating kwanzaa ...and i can't wait. i may not be of african descent, but at least i'd be celebrating a holiday in whose principles i could actually believe, even if they weren't/aren't intended for me.

while it's true that i DO tend to analyze everything to death and take worrying to a level unknown to humankind prior to my birth, i don't mean to imply that i sit around worrying about all this and forget to enjoy the good parts. i don't. but this stuff winds itself through my brain on a fairly regular basis. i never seem to be able to answer my own questions, and my fear of being a hypocrite (as someone who despises hypocrisy probably more than anything else) is...well, it just is.

hopefully, you're at least a little less conflicted about "this holiday season" than i am. hopefully, you've got it all worked out and know what you celebrate and what you don't...what you do wish to observe, and what you don't. whatever that is, for each of you...you have my wishes for the very best of it. 1:10 PM

December 18, 2002

apropos of nothing

as i'm sure you've realized, i haven't had the time to blog much lately. between work; gift designing and making (you should see some of my beaded creations...i'm actually kinda proud of myself), wrapping (this is a big deal...i am known nationwide for my stunning gifts), and shipping (2 to iowa, 1 to california, 1 to texas, 1 to canada, and 1 to minnesota for me; 1 to texas and 1 to new york for s) ; decorating (children are involved this year, otherwise i probably wouldn't bother with anything beyond the string of white lights on the mantel) and the 17 loads of laundry i've done in the last few days (if that's an exaggeration, it's not much of one) , i'm about to drop. for reallies.

while today is no exception, i thought i'd share a few of the things running through my (half-crazed) brain when i'm not busy writing multi-million-dollar funding proposals, deciding which beads and sterling silver charm(s) to use for my next creation, jockeying for the last roll of matte silver curling ribbon at world market , standing in line at the post office, or deciding what ornaments should adorn our little tree:

1) does nivea have a brother named lubriderm ? a sister named eucerin ? (why on earth would the child's parents do this to her??)

2) if i were a jewish rapper, i'd interject "CHALLAH!" in the middle of my of rap.

3) (why do my blogs of late have so much going on parenthetically?)

10:33 AM

December 06, 2002

colorado dreamin'

first of all, i cannot even express how very happy i am that it is friday. it's only been a 3-day week for me, but it sure has seemed a lot longer.

last week was a whirlwind. the first part of the week (in addition to work, of course) was all about running errands, doing laundry, and making sure we were ready for our trip. then, thanksgiving at jeff and john's...23 people for dinner (21 men, s, and me), enough food for 100 (i ate my annual piece of turkey—aside from seafood, that one piece of turkey each year is the only meat i eat), and lots of laughs. my friend sue and her new grrlfriend michelle came by for dessert. sue (who, years ago, i considered my closest friend) is like a completely different person now that she's finally broken up with her old grrlfriend (the one who, as s so accurately describes her, looks like what would happen if yoda and meredith baxter birney had a baby. now, if she were a nice person? i wouldn't repeat that. but...to say that she's not a nice person is an understatement...and i'll leave it at that). michelle, by contrast, seems nice, funny, and a whole lot more interesting...e.g., she's a couple flights away from getting her pilot's license...and she and sue just seem to "get" each other. even tho i think it'd probably be better if sue spent some time alone between grrlfriends—she's been single for about a week and a half in the 15 years i've known her—it's good to see her happy again. maybe we will even start doing things together again. (you see, yoda /meredith didn't like sue to have her own friends...)

anyway, we had a nice time. we usually halfway dread these gatherings...we're often the only women there, and we aren't all that crazy about some of the other usual guests. but this year was fun...if bittersweet. jeff and john broke up about a year ago, and just sold the beautiful victorian house they've spent the last 5 years renovating...so this thanksgiving dinner was dubbed "the last supper". it's great that they're still friends, but just weird that i'll no longer refer to them as "jeff and john," now that selling the house and moving on with their lives individually is a done deal. they'd been together for 13 years, and i've known them the entire time (john and sue were two of the first people i met when i moved to columbus 15 years ago)...so it's like the start of a whole new era or something. not a bad thing...just weird.

so friday morning, we were off to colorado. we landed in denver at about 3:30 (the airport is way cool), got the rental car (they were out of the class we'd reserved, so we were upgraded to a mercury grand marquis ...known thereafter as "the big-ass car". i HATE driving big cars, and this one was so NOT us...they should have just upgraded us to a volvo, or even an suv), and we were off to boulder. it's absolutely breathtaking—not just in terms of breathing difficulties due to the altitude (which were considerable), but also geographically (the mountains are, like, right there), meteorologically (blue skies, sunny, and in the mid-to-upper 50s the whole time we were there), and in so many other ways. visiting places like this makes me wonder...why on earth do i live in columbus, ohio?? i mean, i have plenty of reasons for living here...but couldn't we have just one little mountain? just a fraction of the days of sunshine boasted by the denver/boulder area??

but anyway...friday and saturday nites, we headed to the coors center for the tournament. our grrls lost to villanova in the first round (by only 6 points, and it had been a 2-point game until a really bad call late in the second half set the tone for the remaining few minutes), but beat hartford easily on saturday and took 3rd. not great out of only 4 teams, but with villanova going on on to win (something colorado was certainly not banking on), it's always better when the team that beat you goes on to win the whole thing.

with the exception of driving up into the mountains (okay...so this is one part of the trip during which the big-ass car was probably a help and not a hindrance...the horsepower was much appreciated, even if i couldn't park the damn thing once we got to the top) where we could look out over all of boulder (kind of like this , only more panoramic), we spent most of our time in and around the pearl street mall , one of the coolest downtowns i've ever seen. blocks and blocks of shops, restaurants, street vendors, entertainers (namely fire jugglers and balloon-animal makers) and opportunities for people-watching—these are the things we love best where ever it is that we're traveling—with, of course, the mountains as a backdrop...and plentiful free parking, even. we had a fabulous time.

we noticed a couple of things about boulder, tho:

1) there appear to be almost no black folks there. native americans, yes (which makes sense). hispanic people, yes. but during our hours and hours on pearl street, we saw just 3 black people (one of whom did a double take when he saw s...like he was thinking, "hey, another black person besides me!"). there were a few more at the basketball games (not counting the players), but not many. and there were no "black magazines" (ebony, essence, etc.) in the bookstores we visited. there's a common perception that not many black people live out west, with the exception of california...but (based on this trip, and our trip to portland in august) it seems to be the reality. i'm telling you, i would be ready to move to boulder toMORROW (are you detecting a pattern here?), if this weren't the case. i guess this is one of those reasons we're still in columbus ...at least we're not usually in a sea of pink faces wherever we go (unless, of course, we make a wrong turn and end up at tuttle mall ).

2) there appear to be almost no overweight people there. we saw 3, and they appeared to be a family. i guess it's a lifestyle thing...with the mountains and everything, people are just more active...or something.

so anyway, we headed to denver early sunday afternoon. a nice drive, and we found our hotel fairly easily (thanks to mapquest directions that were actually accurate this time). despite lovely amenities (such as the cylindrically pleasing bottle of voss at bedside, linens with an insanely high threadcount, a down comforter, the dvd and cd players, and the spa tub) we did have some issues with said hotel...namely, that it was costing us nearly 200 bucks a night to stay someplace that's under renovation (the worst part of which was the false fire alarm blaring repeatedly on monday morning) a fact conveniently omitted on the web site and when s made our reservations. but downtown denver is cool as a whole. i explored the 16th street mall while s relaxed in the room, and (after the sopranos...it's on 2 hours earlier there) we had dinner at a lovely little fondue place . have you any idea how absolutely exquisite bananas are when they're dipped in warm white chocolate?? and...there are apparently a whole lot more black folks in denver than in boulder, too. :)

we spent way too much time in the denver airport on monday (it's cool...but not that cool), afraid of being bumped off our flight, so we didn't really have time for any more fun. and given all the chicago flight cancellations, we very well may have been bumped, had we not checked in 3 hours prior to our flight to st. louis. but it was a great trip. s and i love traveling together, and are almost assured a great time no matter where we go...but this trip felt kinda special. we may not have had any business spending so much money on ourselves right before x-mas, but...i am oh so glad that we did. 1:33 PM

November 21, 2002

yeah, i'm here.

there seem to be a lot of people with little or no time for blogging these days...and i'm one of 'em. like everyone else, i just have other things going on right now. work has been maddddd busy. i have $85 million+ worth of proposals to write/edit/design by mid-december. and i'm working WAY harder than i want to right now, just to stay afloat. i ask you: how's a grrl s'posed to x-mas shop amidst all this madness?? i don't usually catch much of the "holiday spirit" that everyone's always going on and on about this time of year, but choosing the perfect gift(s) for my loved ones makes me really, really happy. and i've not had much time for it, damn it.

i've also been dealing with a sick cat: my 10 1/2 year-old harper lee. with the exception of chronic hairball issues (which are gross, but not life-threatening), he has always been healthy. but in the last 3 weeks, he's been diagnosed with:

1) a hyperactive thyroid...treated with a pill a day for the rest of his life. (sidebar: have you ever "pilled" a cat? it can be tricky.)
2) a heart murmur...which may disappear once his metabolism is under control...which the thyroid meds should do.
3) gasteroenteritis. after responding wonderfully to the thyroid medication, he suddenly just stopped eating (not even treats), lost a pound in 2 weeks (he's down to only 7.5!), was vomiting a lot, and had to be hospitalized for 3 days for dehydration. now he's on more medication (drops), special food, and seems to be doing better. *knocking on wood, crossing all digits*

while expensive ($365 and counting), the worst part of it all for me has been the stress. with the exception of harper lee (and now 2 1/2 year-old kala), i haven't had the best history with cats and their health. in the last 14 years, i've lost three—chelsea, nikko, and scout—to various dreadful ailments. so even a trip to the vet evokes near-panic attacks (in me...totally separate from what it evokes in the cat), and an (almost, but not quite) irrational fear that i'm about to lose another.

you have to understand...harper lee? he's my cat...and all that. he and i, we've been thru some thangs. 3 break-ups (he was a gift to me following the first of those). 2 grrlfriends. 4 apartments. the drama with (and subsequent loss of) nikko and scout. at the risk of sounding like the "crazy cat lady" with 37 cats down the street...he has been my confidante when there was no one else around to fill that role. losing him would fuck me up. i know it'll happen eventually...but hey, i know people with 22 year-old cats, so he might only be middle-aged....

anyway...like i said, i've got other things to do. in addition to the above, basketball season has started (we're driving to pittsburgh for the duquesne game tomorrow nite, and flying to denver for a tournament in boulder next week), and i am managing to get a little shopping done. but don't worry...i'll be back eventually. meanwhile, hit me up via e-mail if you are so inclined. and thanks to those of you who already have, for your concern. luh ya. :) 4:56 PM

November 05, 2002

a skeleton's birthday

in addition to being voting day, my nephew's 11th birthday, and s's nephew's 10th birthday, today marks an entire year since the revelation. about my sister and our, ummmm, parentage. as revelations often do, this one changed my life irreversibly.

emotionally, i have been thru a lot in the last year...DRAMA. a lot of anger . loads of hurt . some guilt . a loss of trust (and more anger). reconciliation . misunderstanding and the whole maid-of-honor debacle. more frustration than i think i've ever experienced (at least outside of work). fear . and a little relief .

where am i today with all of this? well, my mom and i seem to have repaired most of the damage to our relationship. my sister still hasn't told dad that she knows...which continues to strain my relationship with him, because i can't talk to him about the whole mess. and while it was all about the pleasantries (baby) during her wedding weekend, my sister and i basically have no relationship. i have struggled to forget the way that she so deliberately and unapologetically hurt me, and to forgive her for it. in the absence of genuine forgiveness, i have tried to at least act like i forgive her—hence the wedding weekend pleasantries...hence the thoughtful, carefully chosen gifts for her birthday and wedding...hence my very real wish for her happiness.

her response? none, to speak of. yes, she was pleasant enough during the wedding weekend (in a very "lukewarm" sort-of way). yes, s and i got the brief e-mails thanking us for our (birthday and wedding) gifts. and i got the group e-mail announcing their new home address and phone info. but she hasn't answered my e-mails—cheerful notes about what's going on with us, what's on dad's x-mas list, inquiring what's up with them—nor has she sent a personal note of her own. i know she's got a lot going on (a new marriage, a new house, and ongoing post-enron drama). even so, it doesn't feel good to be relegated to the very bottom of the list of what (and WHO) is important in her life.

that makes me indescribably sad. after the revelation , up until the maid-of-honor debacle , i had really believed that our relationship was growing, deepening. that we understood each other better. that we were in a good place. but now...it's worse than ever. we're not even speaking.

why don't i pick up the phone and call her, you ask? if you'd witnessed our last two phone conversations, you might understand why. it was like talking to a hysterical, irrational, and completely-unwilling-to-give-an-inch brick wall. nothing i said could convince her that she'd misunderstood me. that i would never, ever feel toward her how she'd accused me of feeling. that the very bottom-est of the bottom lines was that she's my sister and i love her, whether we have the same fathers or not. that i don't resent her as she thinks i do. what kinda person would i be if i did??

so here i am, a whole year later. time fucking flies. so much has changed. so much has been damaged, seemingly irreparably. there is so much good in my life...and so much that breaks my heart. 1:34 PM

November 01, 2002

i am mad at kelly rowland

with lyrics like "her life was stole" and "he never fitted in," how does she expect to garner support—and sell records —among the grammar-conscious?? 1:51 PM

October 25, 2002

"...quentin got cable...and a big-screen tv..."

check out my grrl meshell on yesterday's edition of morning becomes eclectic, a show on kcrw , one of the dopest public radio stations on the planet. not only can you hear her (and the band) do songs like "earth" and "faithful" (from 1999's bitter), "god.fear.money" (from cookie), and the as-yet unreleased "quentin mack" and "fellowship"...you can see her doing them, via the magic that is real one (formerly known as realplayer)...and watch her answer thoughtful questions from host nic harcourt.

or, you can download the mp3 from matthew . :)

november 3rd ? do come quickly. *grin* 3:32 PM

October 23, 2002

back in the day

When I met you,
I had no idea how much my life
was about to be changed...
but then, how could I have known?
A love like ours happens
once in a lifetime.
You were a miracle to me,
the one who was everything
I had ever dreamed of,
the one I thought existed
only in my imagination.
And when you came
into my life, I realized that
what I had always thought
was happiness
couldn't compare to the joy
loving you brought me.
You are a part of everything
I think and do and feel,
and with you by my side,
I believe that anything
is possible.

Thank you
for the miracle of you...
you are,
and always will be,
the love
of my life.

i've never been a fan of commercial greeting card sentiments...i usually just buy cool blank cards and write my own message...but i'm not sure that i could have expressed this any better than linda lee elrod did for hallmark .

5 years ago this month, s and i met. at first, she seemed like just another person frequenting a particular chat room i'd recently stumbled into, as the result of a web search for "black lesbians." why was i searching for chat rooms for black lesbians, you may ask? well, i was fresh out of a 4-year relationship with a black woman, and i was lonely. i knew that our break-up was the best thing for both of us (particularly her...there were things she needed to do for herself that she couldn't accomplish by staying with me)...but even so, it was the most difficult experience i'd ever gone through. letting go of someone you love is hard, y'all. if you've done it, you know this.

i was trying very hard to keep myself busy...to escape not just the loneliness, but the fear i had of being alone forever. i took a graduate women's studies course (for the first time since finishing my m.a. in '89...incidentally, it was a course on feminism and black political thought). i rescued a sick kitten and spent more than a year trying to nurse it back to health. i started seeing my therapist regularly, and actually doing the "homework" she assigned. but yeah, i was lonely. and...i've never been good at explaining this, but...i felt lonely in a particular way...lonely for the company of a black woman. i know, it sounds kinda crazy (or maybe not...). but that's how i felt. and a quick mental inventory of the friends i spent a lot of time with revealed that most of them were white gay men...besides my ex and another woman i'd dated briefly a few years back, the black women i knew were pretty much either acquaintances, or friends from college living hundreds of miles away, or people i'd lost touch with. hence the web search. and hence my discovery of the (now defunct) "aal" (african american lesbian) room on (the now defunct) wbs. i wasn't looking for love, cybersex, or even flirtation...which seem to be the things that people tend to think you're looking for when you reveal that you're frequenting chat rooms. i just wanted people...namely black lesbian people...to talk to. was that so bad?

i met some really amazing people in that room, a few of whom i still consider friends today. (i also met some losers, some users, a whole lotta playas, and many other, uhhhh, "undesirables"...but that was to be expected, and still is in pretty much any chat environment.) significantly, we actually had interesting and often in-depth conversations in that room, about politics and music and racism and homophobia, and a host of other topics. people posted their poetry and others responded thoughtfully. newly "out" lesbians sometimes posted their experiences and questions and dilemmas, and women who had been "in the life" for awhile tried to shed some light. i've never seen anything like it, in any chat room i've visted since. i miss that. (this blog community is the closest thing i've found to it.)

but the most amazing thing was that i started to look forward to seeing a particular person in that room...she was "snoodles101" *chucklin'*. i found myself feeling really disappointed when she wasn't there...and all exhilarated and things when she was. *laughing* we started e-mailing each other, in addition to our almost daily chats...and by february, i was crushing, hard. after much deliberation, i asked for her phone number. we started talking. and talking. and talking. phone bills spiraled out of control (and were still being paid back by the time she had moved here). i mean, we used to watch abl games together over the phone!

i guess everything just progressed from there. it wasn't long after that i knew what i felt was serious. i was falling in love...and i was scared outta my mind. i had no idea how this could possibly work...she was 1,600 miles away, in a part of the country i'd never even seen. it seemed impossible. even if she was diggin' me too (which she was, but—the great big ball of insecurity that is me—i sometimes doubted it), how could we ever be together??

somehow, it happened. we happened. after we finally met in person, i knew this was it...i knew that she was the woman i wanted to spend my life with. pretty much everyone i knew in the "real" world thought i'd lost my freakin' mind. ummmm, let's just say that they don't think that anymore. :)

and that hallmark card? the one with those words that (to my surprise) expressed my sentiments so perfectly? i was the recipient...a few weeks ago...out of the blue...for no special reason. *grin* 11:49 AM

October 17, 2002

drag the people along...

in a recent letter to the editor of newsweek, w.e. willingham of boone, north carolina, quotes hermann göring, hitler's second in command:

"Naturally the common people don't want war....But after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament or a communist dictatorship....All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country."

sound familiar, anyone? 1:53 PM

October 15, 2002

fallin'

i love this time of year. the "nip" in the air. wearing long sleeves and sweaters and corduroys . sporting socks and shoes instead of sandals. i'm not even sad about covering up my tattoo .

a harbinger of my last 8 or 9 autumns, dart season started last wednesday. while it was hard to believe that it's that time again already—and while we failed to win even one of our 7 games on opening night (yeah, well...at least we had fun!)—i'm actually glad. it's the only "sport" i've ever been halfway good at (well, except for archery in high school gym class...so what is it with me and launching pointy projectiles at concentrically-circled targets??). it gets me out of the house (and gives s a regular 3-hour break from me) on wednesday evenings from october through april. i get to drink beer (this for them and one of these for me) with some of my favorite boys on a regular basis (unlike our summer gatherings, which are sporadic at best). and i really do love the game, even if we're not consistent enough to win as much as we'd like to. other teams love to play us because we don't take it too seriously...it's really all about having fun, anyway. tho it is a little easier to have fun when we're winning.

(speaking of my favorite boys, i was excited to learn (even if i was the last to know) that j and his former co-worker from the great indoors are starting their own countertop business in the short north . it's called counter culture...can you stand it?? i'm so proud...i couldn't have named it better myself.)

on friday, s and i (re-)started "the dancing"—our third round of ballroom dance lessons at the jimmy rawlins dance studios . these particular friday-night sessions are targeted specifically toward the lesbian community...just imagine 20-30 lesbian couples, varying wildly in terms of age, coordination, talent, and speed in learning new steps. it's hysterical! (oh, what i would have given for a video camera during those first few sessions....) but very fun. we've learned basic steps for and a number of variations (i.e., "the fancy stuff") of the waltz, the fox trot, the swing, the cha cha, the mambo, and the tango...plus the ubiquitous electric slide, a studio-choreographed line dance for "mambo no. 5", and probably some steps i'm forgetting. it's a blast...so much so, in fact, that we ignore the fact that s is usually the only woman of color in the place and just enjoy the dancing. and—at $90/couple for 5 lessons plus a "dance party" at the end, combining students from both the beginners' and the intermediate/advanced classes, and to which we all bring "a dish to share"—it's cheaper than the movies and a lot better exercise.

on saturday, s worked her department's pre-game "tailgate" event and then went with sherri, niq, and the kids to the game , which i watched on television from the comfort of our living room. i'm not really into football, but it's hard not to get caught up in all the hoopla here —a big-ten school where football has long reigned supreme. it also doesn't hurt that the team boasts a national ranking of #4 and a freshman sensation who's already made history by being the first freshman to start at his position, and whose name keeps coming up in talk about the coveted heisman trophy .

sunday, while s went to the movies with a friend, i took a walk (on this most beauteous of days...60-ish and sunny is so me) down to byzantium and spent almost 2 hours browsing. they have the sweetest little buddha kitties (at least one of which i think i might need to procure at some point), as well as their not-so-little counterparts. and i think i might get into beading again...only this time using a lot of leather cord with sterling silver beads, charms, and findings. i bought a few lovelies, and found some bargain-priced 1mm leather cord on e-bay yesterday (byzantium doesn't sell leather)...so, as soon as that arrives, i can get rolling. i have some fabulous designs in my head...now if i can just produce them with a quality that matches what's in my mind's eye....

also with fall comes the anticipation of...what, what?? BASKETBALL . we can hardly wait! we have season tickets for the home games, as well as plans to travel in november to pittsburgh for the duquesne game and to boulder for the coors classic tournament. we're literally counting the days until the first game on november 6. to tide us over, we're going to see the cavs play the raptors in an exhibition game at the schott tonite. if vince carter doesn't play? oooooohhh, perish the thought. 3:54 PM

October 09, 2002

shadrach, meshach, & a billy goat

for some reason, i find a lot of humor in the way that people mess up certain words, phrases, and even song lyrics. s told me the other day that she had reached adulthood before she learned that the bible story and gospel song were about shadrach, meshach, and abendigo. *grin* a few other examples:

* if i wasn't yet an adult, i was nearly so when i learned that "wind chill factor" wasn't windshield factor...i.e., the temperature of the wind when it hits the windshield of your car.

* jumping into a recent conversation about foods that poor parents fed their kids back in the day, a woman calling into a local radio station talked about syrup sandwiches being a delicatessen (and as if it weren't bad enough the first time, she repeated it).

* when i was in grad school and teaching freshman composition, a student once left a note in my mailbox saying that he'd turn in his paper the next day by putting it in a vanilla envelope and sliding it under my office door. (i'm sure he was disappointed that the gummed flap didn't taste better....)

* another freshman comp student delighted in using the phrase, "for all intensive purposes."

* i once heard a woman mention that she was getting her hair cornrolled that night. now, i know i can't speak with any authority on the subject, but somehow i never thought "rolls" were a part of this hairstyle.

* whenever i hear "you don't have to call," i swear usher is saying something about "ninja friends." (turns out the line is something about "instead'a listenin' to friends." ummm, okay....)

* there's some new(er) song out right now (the title and artist escape me) with a line about "the happy song i sing." until we talked about it, s thought it was "the hairpiece on i sing."

feel free to add to this list. :) 3:48 PM

October 01, 2002

independent woman

a recent post by prime —and a response from j —have got me thinking about independence and self-reliance. prime asks:

"Is it realistic to think that we are capable of living our lives without relying on those around us for some level of support?"

my parents never really stressed independence and self-reliance overtly, but i learned these things just by observing them...especially my mother—who did the single-mom-with-2-kids thing twice (after husband #1, with my older sibs; and after husband #2, with my sister and me). i think independence and self-reliance are hugely important. i feel strongly about being able to handle my own business, and not having to depend on anyone for most of what i need to accomplish. i admire these traits in other people and sometimes am annoyed when others don't possess (or practice) them. maybe it's another thing entirely, but i keep thinking of the time my mother—who, at 70, has retained her self-sufficiency for the most part, but has lost at least some ability to make a damned decision—tried to get me to decide for her WHICH living room furniture she should purchase, when a) we live 600+ miles and 3 states apart; b) our tastes in decor are almost opposite, they're so different; and c) she didn't even offer visual aids! how the hell was i supposed to know what she should do? why did she seem so absolutely incapable of determining this herself?

like j , i don't want to be a burden to other people, and i suppose that i feel at least some sense of pride that i can handle things on my own, without asking for help. but does that make me arrogant? i'm not sure.

on the flip side, i don't necessarily want to handle absolutely everything on my own...emotionally or otherwise. i spent many years being single—high school (when everyone else was at least dating) through age 28, with only a few exceptions, all but one of them short-term—not really having anyone on whom i could rely for the level of emotional support that comes with being partnered (or at least, i think, should come with being partnered). now that i'm in a loving and stable and long-term relationship, i don't ever wanna go back! what i once wanted—but was capable of handling on my own—has become what i actually need. and while that's a little bit scary to admit, it's really okay. i like knowing that someone has my back...that she'll do anything in her power to help me if i need it. sometimes she actually has to remind me that she's there for me...even after 4 1/2 years together, i'm still used to doing a lot of things for myself.

i've seen independent people really struggle when something happens (e.g., an illness) that actually requires them to learn to ask others for help. for example, when my dad lost his driver's license due to macular degeneration , he had a very hard time beginning to ask his friends to drive him places that he couldn't walk to (in a small town with no public transportation). and my colleague, vince, is going through something similar (albeit temporary) as he recovers from major back surgery. these situations are obviously different—there are times when we all need to rely upon other people. in fact, i've gotten impatient with people who struggle to ask for help when they truly need it...but i should probably start knocking on wood, because that will be me at some point...whether sooner or later, permanently or temporarily.

i guess it's all really a matter of (as with a whole lotta things in life) BALANCE. handle your business, but don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it...or even sometimes when you don't. 5:11 PM

September 26, 2002

succumbing to contagion

scooch over jason , j , and ej …i’m jumping on the proverbial bandwagon….

ten movies i'd watch over and over:
my life as a dog (the un-dubbed version)
i've heard the mermaids singing
american beauty
monster’s ball
the shawshank redemption
chocolat
love & basketball
the hurricane
silence of the lambs
home for the holidays

nine people i enjoy the company of:
s (my boobala)
sherri
brent & jason
david t.
carla
chris & kim
my therapist (is that weird??)

eight things i'm wearing:
black crinkled cotton, embroidered “hippie shirt”
khakis
black frye slides
kenneth cole tank watch (with charcoal face)
silver jewelry (4 rings, 2 necklaces, 3 bracelets, 2 toe rings, 5 earrings)
ankle bracelets (1 made, 1 bought)
black fabric barrette with beads & tiny cowrie shells
bonne bell lip lix (“i scream” flavor)

seven things on my mind:
stewart’s key lime soda
the odd mix of songs on public radio
s’s (cherubic) face
work/unpacking
work out tonite? or skip it?
trying the vegetarian blt at skully’s
used-to-be friends (and why they’re not now)

six objects i touch every day:
harper lee & kala (the cats)
s’s lips
my keys
the tv remote
diet soda (cherry coke, mountain dew, or code red)

five things i do everyday:
read
watch tv
iron something to wear
fail to get enough sleep
tell s that i love her

four bands (etc.) that i couldn't live without:
méshell ndegéocello & the conscientious objectors
michael franti & spearhead
the fugees/lauryn hill
the talking heads

three of my favorite songs of the moment:
ll cool j, “luv you better”
res, “how i do”
erykah badu (featuring common), "love of my life"

two people who have influenced my life the most:
s
sherri

one person whom i love more than anyone in the world:
s

3:46 PM

September 23, 2002

move baby, move

i'm about to shut down my computer for the last time before our office's move to a new building tomorrow morning. because i have to depend on those more technically savvy than myself to get me reconnected again, it's like cutting myself off from the rest of the (online) world without any idea when i'll regain that connection. yikes!

so...~~in case i don't~~ until i rejoin the online world, i have a little somethin' good for y'all. check out my grrl breathless , a midwest mc who's gonna blow up any day now (and hire s and me as her publicists *grin*). she writes all her own rhymes...she has a really nice flow...she's cute...and she "goes to our church" *wink, wink*. her song "tonite" is my fave...enjoy.
4:58 PM

September 18, 2002

white-people kool-aid

you know, it's funny....even when i'm trying to explain how it's not all about me, i end up making it all about me . maybe it's a white-people thing....like kool-aid without enough sugar. whatever the case...it's so. not. attractive.

12:07 PM

September 11, 2002

this day

when my brother died unexpectedly in 1999, i grieved less for myself than i did for my sister-in-law, who had just lost her husband of almost 30 years...and for my niece and nephew, who (at the ages of 14 and 21) had just lost their dad. they were the ones who had lived with jeff for all those years...who knew him better than anyone else...who would miss him the most. but the fact that i was grieving more for them and less for myself didn't diminish that grief. in fact, i think it only served to intensify it.

one year ago today, and for several weeks afterward, i experienced a similar feeling of grief—only magnified by thousands. i was fortunate to lose no one close to me on that day, but it almost felt like i had. i mean...everyone felt like shit that day...but compared to most everyone i talked to, i seemed to be taking it to a whole 'nother level. it wasn't so much the news footage that flooded my mind (as pervasive as it was), but the images of what the people on those planes and in those buildings had experienced—the panic and fear, the grief of knowing they'd never see their loved ones again—as well as the pain and loss that their families and friends were only just beginning to endure. in the days that followed, i gave a name to what i was feeling: hyper-empathy (it was weeks before i found out that it was actually a word, and that i hadn't just made it up myself!). my boobala told me this morning that i'm a "weight-of-the-world kinda chick." however you want to say it, i've been fighting tears—and the urge to throw up—all day. i think the funk i've been in for the last coupla weeks has been dread that this day was just around the corner.

i'm not reading the papers today. i've only listened to a few minutes of radio. i've watched no television. and tonite, we're going straight from the gym to rent-a-flick, for dvds galore. i don't need the "calvacade of platitudes" (props to donald for coining that phrase), or gratuitous flag-waving, or public memorials ad nauseum, to remind me what was going on, one year ago today. i'm so sick of all that. what we need to be doing is remembering all the people WORLDWIDE who've lost their lives and their loved ones to terrorism...including the terrorism perpetuated by the united states.

*sigh* i'm out. peace and love to you all.... 4:31 PM

September 10, 2002

step outside the box

i've been thinking about how expand upon my last post , as well as how to broach the whole "september 11th" thing (because you know you're all thinking about it, whether you're saying anything about it or not....). in a way, an amazing article from the observer that george posted recently brings the two together.

Because of our history and our experience right here in America, as well as in Africa, we have an understanding of the rage and anger of America's so-called enemies....Black people know that most Arabs and Muslims are good people, that their beliefs are just as valid as Christian beliefs, that they have been at the receiving end of American so-called foreign policy for years. As a people of colour, we know how America treats other people of colour—with suspicion or disdain. —walter mosley

in this interview, mosley (one of my very favorite writers of fiction) crystallizes what s and i (and a whole lot of other people) started talking about almost a year ago...how black folks in this country were all too familiar with "terrorist acts" to be very surprised by what happened on 9-11-01.

mosley continues....

There are two Americas, and one is blind to the other. The way most black people live, the daily racism and the suffering, is transparent to white America. They just don't see it, or they choose not to. More importantly, they don't understand how most black people feel, how we live with rage every day, a rage against America.

THIS is where my last post comes in. it was really about the inability to think—and live—outside the box...outside the neat little worlds that people tend to build around themselves because (i guess....?) it feels safe and comfortable and they can negotiate those spaces without a whole lot of thought or effort. AND the neat little boxes that (most often, these same) people try to put others in.

so...most white people don't go to theaters to see movies with predominantly black casts (and/or black directors, producers, etc.) because those movies are "not about them." on the flip side, tho, j can't find anyone to go see a foreign film with him because "black people don't like foreign films." and some people don't really know what to think about jason because he listens to madonna and is a fan of mr. bean (see their comments in response to my september 5th post ). so it works both ways. it's a wonder that this country isn't more racially polarized than it is...and i haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the issue, or to address what happens for those of us who aren't simply "black" or "white".

why is it, anyway, that we are so eager to put people and things into neat little categories? why do we actually feel a need to do that? why can't we even see, let alone embrace, cultural aspects that are different from what we know, or what we're used to? i've never understood this phenomenon, yet it has long figured prominently in my life. when i came to the realization that i didn't want to be a christian, it had a lot to do with my issues with organized religion—which seems to give people the license to say, "my beliefs are more valid than yours". why can't everyone's beliefs be valid? why can't people step outside their own boxes to acknowledge that? of course, there are varying degrees of this whole pigeonholing thing, but for example: when people have condemned me to hell for being a lesbian (aka, my "lifestyle"), what stopped them from seeing me as a human being not so very different from themselves? why can't they step outside that particular box, and refrain from putting me into a different one? and when someone (black) whom s has just met discovers that i am white, why do they often assume that i'm "bad for her," and/or that she's internalized racism to such a degree that she can't have a relationship with a black woman, and has to "resort to" being with a white woman?? i could probably take this even further on another day. today is just not that day.

i have tried to find a way to think about this day, this anniversary, this "9-11" thing in some kind of positive way. NOT because i think we should all be "over it by now" and simply getting on with "business as usual"...but because i almost have to have a positive way to think about it, or i will lose my mind. mosley, in this interview , gives me that positive spin with a call to action:

What I am saying is that because of our unique position [as black americans], we should be at the forefront of a new peace movement that starts the process whereby Americans start to see the world, and themselves, differently.

i only hope that i can live to see—and help—it happen.
1:50 PM

September 05, 2002

i don't count

jason was talking the other day about images of black folks in the media (particularly film) and the lack of romantic movies, featuring black male leads, reaching wide audiences. in the course of the comments, he wanted to know where all the white people are—both in the audiences for these movies, and in the movies themselves (think the best man). especially after reading everyone's comments, mine got so out of control that i figured they should probably just become a blog of their own. (i've been doing that a lot lately....). that's a good thing—my last few posts have been dull, dull, dull. it's not that i'm not thinking about things...there's a lot going on right now to think about. it's just that the desire to take the time and energy to write about them just hasn't been there for me lately. but i digress....

i'll forgive jason for saying that "lesbians don't count" if we happen to be the white folks in these audiences, but only because i think i know what he meant. *grin* actually, i'm not sure that i do "count," but i don't think that's attributed to my being a lesbian. i've been pretty much immersed in facets of "black culture"—literature, music, film—for so long (15+ years) that i rarely read books written by white folks anymore (if i do, they're usually by gay/lesbian/bi authors) and 95% or more of my music "in rotation" is music made by black folks. living with a black woman—actually...2 black women, just one at a time...!—for 8 of the last 9 years has undoubtedly influenced my cultural proclivities, as well. i honestly don't think i'm lyin' when i say that i'm not "your average white grrl"....

while i suppose there's more of a "balance" in the movies i see—no surprise there, as the industry is pretty much driven by white folks (tho thankfully, that's being challenged more and more)—i did see all but one of the movies jason mentioned in the theaters—love & basketball (the first dvd i ever owned), the best man, love jones, and jason's lyric (that's the one i didn't see until video)...in addition to how stella got her groove back, two can play that game, the wood, and i don't know how many others. sometimes we don't make it until the second-run theaters, but we see every "black peepa movie" (as s calls them *chucklin'*) that hits the theaters, almost regardless of genre. it's not often that i miss a movie featuring denzel , jeffrey (as few and far between as they are), samuel , omar , or laurence ...or angela , sanaa , whoopi , alfre , or monica (okay, so she may be a less-than-stellar actor, but...she's fine, okay??)...or many others.

but it's true that i'm often one of just a few white people in the place (and sometimes the only one)—which supports jason's argument . we see black folks in the audiences for so-called "white movies" (i.e., those with no or few prominent black roles) all the time, but the opposite is most certainly not true. not cool, but...not surprising, either. in fact, i just don't get white people who have no interest in seeing movies with predominantly black casts...reading books written by black authors...or listening to music by black artists. a lot of the time, this work isn't really about "the black experience," per se, but is more about the human experience. but (white) folks so often don't want to acknowledge that. it's like...they're more comfortable continuing to see black folks as "the other," rather than acknowledging our common humanity...or taking a step outside their own little boxes for a second, to see what life is like for people who are different from themselves.

when i talk to the (mostly white) people i work with, they've almost never even heard of the authors i'm reading, the movie i've just seen, or the music in my cd player. they wonder why the framed posters up on my walls are of lauryn hill and meshell, and why my work space features a watermelon woman postcard and images of people as diverse as bessie coleman , michael franti , madame c. j. walker , jackie joyner-kersee , malcolm x , and ruth ellis . i always get the sense that they don't "get" me at all, or have the vaguest of ideas about why these images might hold some importance for me. i imagine them thinking, "what's up with this woman? why should 'we' be concerned with 'them,' anyway??"

this has obviously become less about the movies, and more about how absurdly self-absorbed white people can be, in the comfort of their own little lily-white worlds. but maybe that's part of what jason was really saying in the first place. 2:45 PM

September 04, 2002

freedom for freemyheart.com?

and by the way....if you're clicking on the freemyheart.com link at left—or you've stumbled here as the result of a google search—and are getting an error message, you're not alone. the company that matthew pays to host the site has taken it down, due to pending legal proceedings surrounding songs (by a certain artist who shall remain nameless on my site...hey, i'm not looking for a lawsuit of my own...) made available for download there for a very limited time. to keep the site fresh, matthew has offered a stunning range of downloadables each week, which has been the coolest...especially at times when there's been no new "real" info on meshell, such as the 11-or-so months from when cookie was finished until it was actually released. now, he's being punished for it.

we hope it's temporary, and we really hope there's no lawsuit. otherwise, the official and definitive meshell site will be no more...at least for awhile (i.e., most of it is saved, but it will be expensive to get it back up and running). keep your digits crossed....

UPDATE: in case you're dying to figure out that obscure meshell lyric, read your favorite interview from 1993, or determine the exact date of her '99 concert in ann arbor, visit the temporary home of freemyheart.com here . 5:00 PM

wanna feel smarter?

you're an undeniably smart bunch, but just in case you need a little boost today.... (i don't know if these are for real or not, but i laughed nonetheless):

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
—Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
—Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.”
—Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

“I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
—Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
—Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

“I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
—Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.”
—A congressional candidate in Texas

“I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
—John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental."
—Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
—Al Gore, Vice President

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
—Dan Quayle

“It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
—George Bush

“We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
—Lee Iacocca

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.”
—Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
—Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
—Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
—Bill Clinton

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
—Al Gore

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
—Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
—Department of Social Services, Greenville, SC

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart through the night, and the next morning, if they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
—Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

4:41 PM

August 29, 2002

trippin'

in addition to preparedness, another positive aspect of being a "worrier" is that things are rarely as bad as you've anticipated. *grin*

our trip out west for my sister's wedding was wonderful. portland is a beautiful city in (what i think is) our country's most beautiful region. it was sunny and warm (but not too warm) the whole time we were there, except for some clouds the morning we left. downtown portland is lively, with lots to do and see within walking distance...shops (including the only doc martens store in the u.s.), movie theaters, restaurants, a mall , a sunken plaza-type area for festivals (we were there during festiva italia), and a coffee shop on almost every corner (at least half of them starbucks...booooo, hisssss). our hotel was very nice, with the most comfortable hotel mattress i've ever experienced (which made up for the rather small size of our room). we spent some time in the hawthorne district , which is where we would live if we ever moved there. and we caught a bit of the annual hawthorne street fair, where we saw an act by the lifesavas , a portland hip hop trio (yes....i just used "hip hop" and "portland" in the same sentence) with a cool, positive kinda vibe. if it weren't for the fact that we saw, like, 15 black people there the whole time (okay, that's exaggerating...but not much), i would be ready to look for a job in portland TODAY...it was that cool. but at least we're talking about going back for a vacation...maybe renting a car and driving up to seattle for a few days, too. if we time it just right next summer, we may be able to catch games in both places. *grin*

the wedding itself was lovely. my sister looked beautiful (even done up with that sprout of fake hair that her new husband didn't know was fake until she took it off with her veil that nite) in a simple, strapless white gown with just a little decorative beading and (thankfully) no lace. the church was tiny and quaint. pre-ceremony photographs were taken in the park on the riverfront, and s was included in the photos for the bride's side of the family and the whole group. *grin* we looked fabulous, too...s in a striking cream suit and gold blouse, me in ice-blue with a charcoal silk blouse and shoes that couldn't have matched better if they were supposed to. we looked like the "city mice" of the whole clan.

family-wise, i couldn't really have asked for it all to go more smoothly. my new brother-in-law's family, there from wisconsin and minnesota, was very nice, laid-back, and just real. the first nite we were there, his oldest sister talked and joked with s while i was preoccupied with other family members, and i think she really helped to make s feel welcomed. my family didn't do too badly with that, tho, themselves. my dad gave her a bone-crushing hug when we first walked in, and my mom, both sisters, sister-in-law (the one family member s had already met), nieces and nephews, and j (the new brother-in-law) greeted her warmly. it was wonderful to meet my "little" niece and nephew (ages 8 and 10...i was introduced as "the auntie lisa who sends great presents"...which i most certainly do), and even better to hang out with kim and chris, the older ones (ages almost-18 and 24), who have absolutely no hang ups about gayness—a tribute to their generation, as well as good parenting. among the 30-or-so buttons pinned to the strap of kim's bag was a rainbow button...and, along with chris and my sister-in-law (their mother), we all joked about how j and my sister had invited (and made sure that we knew they'd invited) their lesbian-couple (former) neighbors, so that s and i would have a couple of "friendly faces" at the wedding...as if the fact that they were lesbians would mean that we'd all like each other *rolling my eyes*.....but we never even met them! s and i actually spent quite a bit of time with chris and kim, especially chris. what a cutie. he's got my brother's hazel eyes, dry sense of humor, and dazzling personality (now if he would just get a job...*grin*). and kim, my niece, just started an actor training program at a nearby community college and has her sights set on ucla after that. i've never lived close enough to have the luxury of developing real relationships with them, and i haven't fooled myself into thinking that one long weekend has solved that...but i do feel fortunate to be able to know them at least a little bit. maybe the e-mail communication that has fallen flat in the past can be revived somewhat by the fact that we've discovered things (music, books) in common and have actually spent a little time together just chillin'. it was definitely a highlight of the trip.

lest i give the false impression that all was idyllic, there were a few awkward and painful moments...including how it felt to see someone else standing up with (and toasting to the happiness of) my sister, when i was originally supposed to do that...and trying to negotiate time spent with my parents (which must be time spent with them individually), an all too common trap whenever i'm anywhere near both of them simultaneously. there was also the fact that ol' dub'ya was in town the day we arrived, portlanders were protesting his very presence (i knew i liked it there...we woke friday morning to sing-song chants of "bush is an asshole!"), streets were blocked off, and we spent 2+ hours driving in painfully slow circles around downtown, trying to navigate the maze of one-way streets to get to our hotel. overall, tho, i enjoyed seeing my family (however screwed up they are), meeting j's family, and "incorporating" the most important person in my life into the whole big mess. 2:28 PM

August 21, 2002

goin' to the chapel

we're leaving for portland in the morning, for my sister's wedding weekend. it should be quite the interesting trip, given the abundance of weird family dynamics:

maid-of-honor debacle

of last spring.

*my dad still doesn't know...(since my archives from last fall seem to have disappeared, so i can't link them, i'll explain...) that my sister knows that she is not his biological daughter.

*s will meet my family for the first time (except for my sister-in-law, who visited us last fall).

*s will be the only person of color at the wedding (a fact confirmed by the guest list).

*my other (older) sister is a homophobic bigot (and a "born-again christian").

*i will meet my 8-year-old niece (daughter of said older sister) for the first time, and see her 10-year-old brother for the first time since he was an infant.

*my parents (who've been divorced for 29 years) had a fight at the last big family event (my sister's 1998 graduation from

thunderbird

), after which my mom freaked out and left early.

*it will feel to all of us like "someone's missing"...and that someone is my brother.

don't you wish you could come along? *grin*

3:40 PM

August 15, 2002

friends & lovers

j was talking yesterday about friendship with lovers and with exes, and my comments got so lengthy that i decided they needed to become a blog of my own.

friendship has always been a huge part of my relationships. in fact, that's how most of my relationships started; we were friends first, and it eventually grew into something more. i can't imagine not being friends with my lover. if we weren't friends, what would we talk about? would we enjoy doing things (other than sex) together? would we feel connected in ways that don't depend on sex? would we trust each other? would we be there to offer each other support and encouragement during times of personal and professional challenge? those are the kinds of things i do and share with my friends. not sharing them with my lover/partner would seem...well, weird.

even so, i never used to remain friends with my exes (despite the stereotype that lesbians always do). i think, for me, it was mostly a matter of having been so terribly hurt, that i didn't want to face them...to be reminded of that pain, long after it should have been only a memory.

a full year after one particularly painful breakup, i ran into my ex while in d.c. for the 1993 march on washington . just my luck, out of more than a million "extra" people there that weekend, the one person whom i did not want to see (she had moved to another state, so until then, i hadn't had to) happened to be on the same train as my friends and me. she was all, "hey! how are you?!" and big smiles, big hug...and i freaked. i started crying and could barely speak. finally, she had the decency to just walk away. mostly, i recall my friend, steven, running over to a vendor and, in an effort to cheer me up, buying me a "yabba dabba dykes!" t-shirt with betty and wilma (from the flinstones ) all hugged up and kissing on each other. i was fine...but shaken. all that pain had come rushing back as soon as i saw her face.

my last breakup (almost 5 years ago) was very different, tho, and a little strange...the person who was there for me, consoling me thru it, was sherri...the person who had just left me after 4 years!! i love(d) her, and i knew that leaving me was what she needed to do, for herself, for her own emotional health. so while it was actually more painful than past breakups, in many ways—i think because we'd been together for a long time, and she was the first lover i'd ever shared a home with—at least i felt like i was doing the right thing by "letting her go" (not that i could have stopped her...but i think you know what i mean). the day she moved out (which, incidentally, was the day of princess diana's funeral), i gave her a copy of paul monette 's sanctuary: a tale of life in the woods, an exquisite little book about a fox and rabbit (both female) who fall in love. even then, i knew then i would always love her, no matter what happened.

today, sherri is (next to s) my nearest and dearest friend. we're family. actually, considering the extreme dysfunction of our biological families—we're better than family. amazingly, she and s have grown closer to each other, too (despite some rather rocky moments when s and i first got together)...and now we're ALL family. they are the 2 people in this world whom i love and trust most, and without whom i can't even imagine my life (and it's too, too scary to even try to go there...). it's certainly not how i would have ever expected it to turn out...but it's a beautiful thing. 3:44 PM

August 14, 2002

didn't get it

the job, that is. in fact, i didn't even make it to the 4th interview. but i think it's actually a good thing. just wasn't meant to be. which means that something else probably is.

i'm actually relieved...maybe even more than i'm disappointed. is that normal?? i don't even care. i'm tired of worrying about it. tired of dressing in suits...and "toning down" my look by wearing less jewelry. and you know what else? i'm tired of talking about it. so i'll be uncharacteristically brief and leave it at that.

except to say...thanks to several of you for your support and encouragement. you rule.

4:17 PM

August 09, 2002

yikes

i got a call yesterday from the woman with whom i interviewed for a new job a couple of weeks ago, asking if i'd come in again. we scheduled it for monday (a vacation day for me), but then she called back to ask if i was available to come in today. so "in again" i went, this morning.

i loathe job interviews. i've never been a "salesperson," in the stretch of anyone's imagination, and interviews are really all about "selling" yourself...which a) feels kinda sleazy, and b) is really challenging for anyone with lifelong self-esteem issues. even when i'm one of the people doing the interviewing, i don't like interviews. i know that you have to figure out the "fit" of potential candidates somehow, but interviews seem the very cruelest of ways to accomplish that.

nonetheless, it went well. i had been concerned about this second meeting with just her, as she'd indicated 2 weeks ago that "next steps" included interviews with the department staff (whom, should i be hired, would report to me) and the supervising vice president. as it turns out, she had a couple of questions that she wasn't sure we'd covered the first time around, due to repeated interruptions from said vice president...which, i discovered later, turned out to be related to the announcement that the university had just hired a new president —months sooner than anyone not associated with the selection process had anticipated (i.e., a legitimate reason for the interruptions).

i'm now invited back for the 3rd (with the staff) and 4th (with the vice president) interviews next week. this is where the "YIKES" comes in. as if worrying and being nervous about the interviews, themselves, weren't enough, i find myself worrying about (already!) problems i'll have if i'm hired: whether or not they'll offer a salary i'm comfortable with...if they're still sticking to their goal of having the new person in place by september 1 (which—given what i'd need to wrap up here, and the fact that i'm out for a week for my sister's wedding in 2 weeks—seems utterly impossible)...how i could ever wrap up all the loose ends here in time...how much time it's going to take to go through my files to "weed and pitch" and assemble those projects that i want to take with me for my "portfolio" (i've been here 5+ years)...what i need to do to "erase" my existence from the hard drive of this computer...what new route i'll have to take to get from s's office (where i drop her off each morning) to my (potential) new one, and how long it will take (yes, i went there already! *lol*)...and countless other things that should not even be crossing my mind at this point.

needless worry is the downside of being an anal-retentive planner (yes, i'm a capricorn .). it serves me well much of the time, because worry about what could potentially go wrong with any given meeting, project, or plan can enable me to figure out how to actually prevent those things from going wrong...and i score major points for being thorough. other times, tho...worry threatens to completely stifle me. i just overdo it. sometimes i long to be this completely happy-go-lucky, worry-free person...but that is so not me. s is forever reminding me to just chill. even if i look relaxed, chances are, my mind is spinning 17,362 miles per minute in 1,463 directions (and she can see it in my eyes *grin*).

yesterday, as i perused the greeting card section at target for the perfect "thank you" card for our student worker (who's off to law school next week), a smiling woman approached me and said:

"excuse me...but i saw your face...and...well, i'm an independent consultant for mary kay cosmetics , and would you like to be a face model during my meetings?"

maybe i should take her up on that offer, and forget all this worry about a job i don't have yet. *grin*

oops...i almost forgot the really big news: like nappi , i'm genevieve !

take the which one of the trading spaces cast are you? quiz!

vern is my favorite designer, but gen 's cool. what a relief...i took the whole quiz, uhhh, worried that i'd end up being laurie or doug . :) 2:09 PM

August 06, 2002

loose ends

okay, so i know i've been a bit all over the place lately...probably an indication of how unfocused and disjointed i've been feeling, in general...but i'll return briefly to a couple of topics that seemed to generate some interest awhile back:

first, there was the july 21st ursula rucker show at little brother's . for those of you unfamiliar, ursula is a spoken-word artist from philly who has worked with such artists as bahamadia and the roots . live—on stage with just "tim (motzer) and his toys"—she was intensely personal one moment, and delivering searing societal critiques the next. there were probably only about 50 people there, which really surprised me...the last poets drew a nearly-packed house at the same venue in january...but those who missed it because it was a sunday nite, or because they're just not hip to ursula yet, really missed a great show. honestly, tho...other than GO SEE HER LIVE if you can, i don't have too much else to say, mostly because i haven't yet bought her cd (tho it's been on my list since december). fast-approaching tour dates include new york, toronto, vancouver, seattle, portland (we'll miss her by 5 days when we're there for my sister's wedding), san francisco, and los angeles. ?uestlove will join her in toronto, vancouver, and seattle, and michael franti (of spearhead ) in san francisco (and i'm SO wishing i could be there for that one).

having mentioned the last poets , i suppose i should say that the evening began with umar bin hassan . i don't know whether it was because i was predisposed to dislike him (due to the gratuitious homophobia sherri and i and the rest of the crowd endured at the january concert), because he was less powerful without the rest of the poets (i missed the drums, in particular), or because he and his guitarist were each howling into the mic and creating all sorts of dreadful feedback...but i wasn't feeling him at all. i took away more from the local poet named ed ("just ed") than i did from the guy who's oft considered a forefather of rap and hip hop.

second, a few of you have also wondered what happened with my recent job interview. i was excited about it, as jobs that i actually want here at the university (which is where i want to stay as long as i live here) have been few and far between. but while it went well (at least i thought it did), i haven't heard anything about a second interview, which they had hoped to do last or this week. i don't know if that means that i'm out of the running, or that there's just too much else (e.g., this ) going on for them to focus on their hiring goals. whatever the case, i'm having lunch next week with the person who vacated the position in question, to get the scoop on why she left. maybe i don't want the job after all....

finally, in recent news....you may recall my mention of a fender-bender during a recent day off...where i rear-ended someone else while distracted by kala, my recently-immunized-feline-in-distress, who was doing some pretty major howling of her own. well, karma came reeling around the planet back at me yesterday, when someone rear-ended us at a stoplight while we were on our way back to eastern bay to pick up the kung pao shrimp they'd neglected to include in our order the first time around. fortunately no one was hurt (or at least not that we can tell at this point)...and even the car suffered just a minor scratch...but i was irked that i couldn't even be mad at the woman who hit us, because i'd done the same thing just 2 weeks ago! i swear...it has something to do with the fact that i bought out my lease on the 'rolla in april. as soon as the car is mine, we can't seem to stop colliding with other cars. i guess i'd better start wearing my seat belt.... 1:43 PM

August 05, 2002

20 questions

(some of them rhetorical...)

1) why do radio stations bleep out words like "panties," but not words like "faggot"?

2) why do most white people in this country think that issues of race aren't their concern?

3) was anyone else moved to tears by jason's recent discussion of race ?

4) am i the only person disturbed by the previews for anna nicole smith's upcoming new show ?

5) why do (many) lesbians who frequent strip clubs think that those who don't are prudes?

6) why does ashanti look like a monchichi ? (and why does everyone think she's so cute?)

7) is being someone's "chick" her biggest aspiration?

8) why does ja rule look like jiminy cricket ?

9) why did i not know about the 2000 biopic, hendrix (starring wood harris , aka avon barksdale of the wire), until a month ago?

10) what is it about the wire's sonja sohn that's so sexy?

11) am i the only person on the planet who doesn't like sex in the city?

12) why can't r. kelly just take responsibility for his actions, instead of whining about needing a hug?

13) why do radio stations play crap like that ad nauseum, but refuse to play songs by meshell (no matter how often i request them)?

14) could an entity possibly be more hypocritical than the catholic church?

15) how can anyone here maintain that "sexism is dead," when this 132-year-old institution just hired its first female president ?

16) how long will the male vice presidents last? *grin*

17) sweet potato sushi ...who would've thought?

18) why are so many people scared of clowns ?

19) will it ever cool off?

20) will i ever shut up? 2:16 PM