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i am: 40...a capricorn / moon in pisces / libra rising...an old soul with a young spirit...older than i look...contemplating my 3rd tattoo...NOT a web designer...a lesbian...working things out with the g.f....a native iowan...a graduate of cornell college and ohio state...a critical reader and thinker...really rather shy...agnostic...an ardent feminist...a bleeding-heart liberal...a pacifist...and so not your average white grrl...
e-mail me
feeling generous? *grin*
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December 18, 2003
blown away (in the windy city)after a busy week of juggling the full-time and part-time gigs (and deadlined projects associated with the former), conference presentation preparations, the wrapping and shipping of holiday packages to several points west, arrangements for clothing alterations, and whatever else arose, i headed to chicago on saturday for the conference. i'll spare you the details of the exceedingly and unnecessarily long trips and the disappointing hotel experience, but highlights of the trip included a successful presentation (during which i did not forget to breathe)...strolls down michigan avenue amidst throngs of holiday shoppers (i'm usually not a "crowd person," but i actually enjoyed the festive atmosphere)...crate & barrel...and, best of all, hanging out with the chicago people who were the real impetus for agreeing to present at this conference and take this trip in the first place:
* the very pregnant carla (the only friend from college with whom i keep in touch), her partner donna, and their twin 17-month-old girls, summer and sydney.
* lisa b, who has to be one of the kindest and loveliest people on the planet.
* deshi, the 4th blogger i've met "live" and with whom i shared a thoroughly enjoyable few hours over drinks, dinner, and conversation that felt like we've known each other for a decade, at the southwater kitchen. (nappi was supposed to meet us, as well, but we found out later that she had the flu).
i returned tired and completely unprepared for the server/computer problems (created by a guy who's clueless but won't admit it) with which our little department is now grappling...but all in all, it was a successful trip.
now, i just have to finish up a couple of projects with pre-holiday deadlines, work a couple of late-night shifts at the part-time gig, wrap a few more gifts, assemble and disguise one large gift, decorate the little tree, watch a lot of basketball, and enjoy some holiday time off with the ones one i love (even tho we're "on sabbatical").
12:54 PM
December 10, 2003
big decisionsso, you may be wondering about last week's interview, since i mentioned it in my last post but didn't elaborate. sporting a simple (and newly altered-to-fit) 3-button black suit and a pale lilac, sueded silk blouse, i met with 5 different people, including the vp and the director i met for coffee a few weeks ago, plus a coordinator who reports to them and both the president and senior vice president...i.e., all the potential decision makers and influencers. it went extremely well...i surprised even myself. when i talked to the vp to follow up a couple of days later (after, of course, the obligatory next-day thank-you e-mails), she told me that they needed to write a job description and post the position internally, via established protocol, but that she didn't anticipate having any qualified internal applicants and that she was planning to put together an offer package for me after that. everything may be delayed somewhat...i'm out december 15-16 for my conference and she's out december 18 until after x-mas...but it looks like i will probably have that decision to make, after all.
i don't make a big decision without a 2-column "pros & cons" list...on paper. when so many different factors are swimming around in my head, colliding and making a general mess of my thoughts, it's really the only way to go. these are abbreviated for the sake of space and discretion, and there may be more that i add later...but these are the big ones.
PROS | CONS |
| more $$ (~14%) | leave time (~1/2) |
| "director" title | employer-contributed retirement $$ (~1/2) |
| leaving bad boss | no ethnic diversity |
| learning new environment | leaving comfort zone * |
| helping hospitalized kids | more formal business attire ** |
| expanding responsibilities | medical coverage changes? |
| good vibe (?) | cubicle possibility?? |
| remaining close to home | parking (cost, distance) |
| quitting part-time gig | mac => pc |
| - | too much work for one person? |
| - | "coming out" an issue? |
| - | earlier hours |
| - | more traffic |
* especially when work is just about the only comfort zone i'm in right now.
** like i've said, suits ain't cheap.
this is one of those times in my life when i really, really wish i hadn't inherited one of my mother's most troubling and annoying traits: indecisiveness.
3:10 PM
December 08, 2003
so i'm a week late...i can't believe i'm blogging about thanksgiving a week and a half after the fact, but last week was SO crazy...my interview, late nights at work, even later nights consumed by post-work insomnia, gift wrapping...that i'm just getting around to it now. but you'll deal with it, right?
i actually had a lovely thanksgiving. i wasn't sure whether or not to believe her when sandra promised to come over at 7:30 a.m. in the fuzzy snowflake footie pajamas i'd given her for her birthday...but at about 8:30 thursday morning, i heard the front door, the rustling of grocery bags (she'd done the shopping, as i'd had a 8:30-12:30 shift the night before), and her feet on the stairs...and soon she was crawling into bed with me.
now, i know this sounds weird...not something a couple "on sabbatical" would be expected to do...but it just felt so right. i have missed her so much, and having her there to cuddle with all morning was a treat. we finally got out of bed at around 2 p.m. to start cooking. a spin on tex-mex that i dubbed "mexicohio" (yes, i really am that corny).:* cranberry-avocado salsa with tortilla crisps (let me know if you want the recipe...it was wonderful.)
* enchiladas (both shrimp and chicken) in green chile sauce
* corn salad (corn, red and green peppers, red onion, fresh lime juice, cilantro, and cumin)
* chipotle-cheddar mashed potatoes (which i made from scratch and which were quite fabulous)
* a creamy lime pie (from a mexican recipe web site that took about 5 minutes to make) very non-traditional, but delicious. we had fun cooking and spending the rest of the day together. our time together is so easy and so enjoyable, even now. until, that is...it's time for her to go home.
maybe someday i'll get used to this.
4:25 PM
November 26, 2003
indy on the flyhere it is wednesday already, and i haven't even blogged about last weekend yet (like i said, there's a lot going on....)! between friday evening and sunday afternoon basketball games with sandra, i made a quick trip to indianapolis on saturday to meet the illustrious ej, who was there visiting his friend, rod. after spending a hugely enjoyable afternoon with them both—making me feel as if i had known them forever and we'd spent countless such afternoons together—the day got even better when we hooked up later, for dinner, with rod's partner, darryl, and the fabulous michelle and belinda. it all went by too fast—dinner broke up around 9:30, and i was starting my 2 1/2-hour drive back home by 10—but it was wonderful to meet everyone, put a couple of faces to names blogs, and just spend some time together. i hope we can do it again.
an unexpected side benefit of the trip was talk of a possible part-time gig in the not-so-distant future, teaching an online english course for rod, who heads up a communications department at a local community college. if we can work it out, this "non-phone person" could potentially give up her new part-time job doing telephone surveys...ummm, YAY?!
i am thankful for the wonderful people i know, who bring so much to my life. have a beautiful holiday, y'all.
1:36 PM
November 25, 2003
overwhelmedlast week was an exhausting whirlwind from which i'm still recovering. in addition to the stuff you already know about, here's what's rocking my world:
the part-time gig
last monday, i stopped by this market research joint after yoga class, to apply for a part-time job. i don't really want another job, mind you...i value my free time enormously, and i work hard enough at my real job...but i've discovered that free time is a) a lot less fun without a certain someone with whom to share it; and b) more expendable than the time, energy, and money it would take to find a new place to live and move into it. and anyway, i can keep busy, stay out of apple-martini-serving bars trouble, and pick up a pittance a bit of extra cash to alleviate some financial stress, all at the same time.
so tuesday, they called to do a phone interview. wednesday, i went in for 3 1/2 hours of training. thursday, i worked my first 4-hour shift. last nite, i worked my second. *whew* it's nothing special. i'm doing telephone surveys...or at least attempting to. in two 4-hour shifts, i have only completed two surveys. the rest of the probably hundreds of calls i made ended in various other ways, including copious hang-ups during my introduction (despite my sexy pleasant phone voice), disconnected numbers, requests for call-backs, determinations that no qualified participants were available, and a man telling me i was rude for calling him at 9:25 p.m. (with which i really couldn't disagree).
it's not a bad job, nor is it difficult...and i only have to work 12 hours a week, so even the fact that i'm not "a phone person" isn't that big of a deal (but ohhh, the irony...). the thing is, because we're calling californians for this project, most shifts are 8:30 pm to 12:30 am...so, by the time i get home, i'm tired, but just wound-up enough that i can't go to sleep. last nite, the last time i looked at the clock, it was 2:30...which is awfully close to my 6 o'clock alarm. *yawn*
the potential new full-time gig
one week ago (last tuesday), i met some people for coffee re: a new job opportunity, and i think i blew them away; i have an interview with their bosses next week. it sounds like a great job...the salary is probably ~14% more than i make now, i would have the word, "director" in my title, and i could get away from my boss things here that have made my life hell at various and numerous times over the last 6 1/2 years.
the down side (you know there always is one) is that, because i would be leaving the university, this job would not bring with it the truly fabulous benefits i have now...in terms of vacation and sick leave, retirement savings, medical insurance and coverage, and pretty much everything else. i'm not even sure if i could still get my season tickets.... *sigh*
another factor concerns our department's new vice president (my boss's new boss). less than an hour after my pre-interview coffee meeting last tuesday, i attended our first all-staff meeting with our new leader. already, he seems to have plans to shake things up a little, in a GOOD way...in ways that could potentially benefit me directly. in addition, the guy has already set foot in my office twice, in less than 3 weeks, while his predecessor did not cross my threshhold once—in 6 whole years. so of course, these phenomena must be factored into (possible) decision-making about the potential new gig...i.e., how can i leave NOW, when some of the worst and most frustrating things about this department might actually change for the better??
so of course, i am fretting over a decision that i may not ever even have to make...because that is just my way.
further complicating the process of learning more about this job to discover whether or not i really want it (i.e., next week's interview) is the fact that i have lost 25 pounds. while that's not really a lot, considering the weight at which i started (trust me; it's not), my problem is that my clothes no longer fit—particularly my business attire and most noticeably, the pants. i went out and bought a new suit (fortunately, at half-price) for last week's meeting, but i'm hardly in the position to keep doing that. suits are expensive, especially when you're not exactly petite, you have a modicum of style, and you're a woman—which means you can't just change the shirt and the tie for a whole new look.
(note: i just returned from 1) a little trip to a consignment shop, where i spent $42 on 3 like-new talbot's silk blouses in different colors—3 sizes smaller than i would have purchased a year ago *grin*; and 2) a session with a seamstress (is there a more modern word for that??), who will charge me ~$125 to alter 2 suits and 5 extra pairs of pants. i think it will be money well spent.)
the art of diversifying diversity
this is a good something, but it's still a little overwhelming, especially in combination with all of the above and below. one day last week, after leaving me hanging for hours in between her cryptic e-mails, my department's hr director stopped by to talk. remember when i was booted off the diversity committee because of some comments i had made about this department not being welcoming toward glbt staff? well...i'm back ON the committee now. it turns out that said hr director was meeting with the interim vice president—one of those responsible for booting me from the committee—and the new vice president, and the topic of the committee came up. the hr person said, to the interim vp: "other areas of the university are doing some interesting things with respect to diversity, and i think we can, too. but we need motivated people who can lead the committee to actually accomplish something...and you know who i'm talking about." when the new vp asked who they were talking about, my name was said, and the rest is history. i don't know if i'll ever be empowered to get anything done...but at least i'm back on the damned committee! now, if i could just find some time to review the materials for tuesday's meeting....
the dog-and-pony show
i am co-presenting at a huge conference in december. did i mention that i am terrified of speaking in front of groups?? i can't even remember how i got myself into this, but i could just... *kicking myself*
so, yeah...i've got some shit going on.
2:38 PM
hers & minefrom the latest issue of girlfriends magazine:scorpio
you've put in a whole lot of effort recently, dear scorp', and we're darned proud of you! your next step sounds dull, a little routine, but it's oh-so-crucial: the simple maintenance of this situation you've gotten off the ground. it's your challenge to make the caretaking dynamic and loving.
capricorn
if it makes you feel any better, capricorn, it's not just you: everyone's having a shitty month. but you know how to deal with frustration, loss, and fear; you've done a lot of work around these buggers, so don't let them intimidate you. do let yourself feel your feelings. but, please, guard against making a lifestyle out of feeling crappy. every once in awhile? these things are right on the money.
9:23 AM
November 15, 2003
hey...thanks.i just want to thank all of you (you know who you are) for your thoughts, your comments, your e-mails, your instant messages, your calls, and your "wish list" surprises.
much love. you rock.
9:25 AM
November 06, 2003
5 years, 6 months, & 8 daysi didn't want to go straight home last nite, nor did i feel like working out...so i ran some errands, bought hideously fat- and carb-laden brach's malted milk balls (try them and you'll never eat another whopper), and went to see matchstick men at the dollar theater. it was all right...a little long. i'm not a big nic cage fan, really, but i thought alison lohman was great. i had just seen her in white oleander over the weekend (did anyone else notice that her eyebrows changed color from scene to scene? stuff like that really annoys me...), but i thought she was much better this time around.
i cried all the way home. i'm all, sobbing at the stoplights. i couldn't even listen to my life's soundtrack, because i knew that would only make it worse. and i hate the radio (for the most part), so i drove in silence. and in dread. finally, i was home...the porch light was on (which was weird). i went inside and was greeted by the cats, as usual.
downstairs, things didn't look too different...she hadn't taken her cds, dvds, books...or her guitar (a birthday gift from me a couple of years ago). but upstairs was what i really dreaded, anyway. after feeding my ravenous felines and checking my messages (2 from sandra, one from niq), i called my mom, and then my dad; they had each left messages for me in the last couple of days, which i hadn't yet returned...and i figured i should probably give them the news, anyway. i had been dreading this; they just met sandra a little over a year ago, and i was afraid they would not really understand, and think badly of her. but they were understanding. and supportive. mom, more so than dad...but i think that's only because he has such difficulty talking about anything emotional (it's "how he was raised," he says). they both expressed hope that we would get back together eventually...which, if you knew how far they've come since i came out to them back in the late '80s, would impress you.
then, i called sandra. i just wanted to hear her voice. and to make sure she was all right. she sounded sad...like me...but okay. she told me a little bit about her apartment (a second-floor, one-bedroom flat), the neighbor she had met, and the new-apartment bargains (iron and ironing board, pots-and-pans-with-utensils set, swiffer wet-jet) she'd found at walmart. it was so strange to say "good nite" to her over the phone, knowing that she wasn't 100 or 500 or 1,000 miles away, but only a few.
finally, sometime around midnite, i went upstairs. "our" room actually didn't look very different...just the absence of the tv and the dvd player gave away the changes (she hadn't yet taken the beautifully framed bernard stanley hoyes print i'd given her for our 5th anniversary). vast changes in the spare room, tho. no futon, no nightstands. half the "wall of shoes" now empty. opening up drawers and the closet, i found a lot of new space.
by this time, it was going on 1 a.m....i knew i had to get to sleep. it was strange not to have a television in the room, and to know that i couldn't fall asleep to the smooth r&b channel on music choice, as we have for years. i got into my pajamas and into bed, ate hideously fat-laden dry roasted peanuts (excepting a granola bar and the aforementioned malted milk balls, all i'd had to eat in over 24 hours), listened to depressing news about the world on npr, and browsed thru a harry & david catalog for potential x-mas gifts. finally, i turned out the light, grabbed my big stuffed black bear (a "just because" gift from sandra), and closed my eyes. sleep came sooner than i had thought it would.
rather than do without 2 small conveniences now gone from the house—and be constantly and painfully reminded of how my life has changed this week—today, i spent charged $250 (minus a $5.50 "price match guarantee" refund and a $5.00 (r)ebate) for a new 19" tv/dvd combo and a cordless phone with caller id (essential for efficient call screening), and will go tonite to pick them up at sears. i'm not really supposed to be spending money right now, but at least i didn't splurge on either the 24" or 27" sony tv that i really wanted.
and besides...a girl has to do what a girl has to do.
3:20 PM
November 05, 2003
"s" is for...or, a house is not a home (thanks, luther.)
for our entire relationship, s always traveled a lot more than i did, visiting various friends and family in different places across the country. her absences always felt really strange to me; the house was just "empty" without her in it. it was literally years into our relationship before i could drop her off at the airport without driving away in tears. even tho i had usually made plans to get together with neglected friends while she was gone, and it wasn't that i was just going to be sitting around moping until she got back, i hated the thought of missing her as much as i did...of feeling the void that she left, when she was gone. my imagination would run wild with thoughts of how horrible it would be if i somehow lost her. wondering if and how i would cope if something terrible happened. or if, for some reason, we simply ended up not being together.
and then...it would be time for her to come home. i'd pick her up from the airport, and we'd go to dinner at one of our favorite haunts, and go home. to our home. which always felt warm and full of love when we were there together. (i swear i'm not making that up, or using a string of dumb clichés...it's really always felt that way.)
tonite, i will go home to a house that is no longer her home. she told me last nite that it was, indeed, happening today (despite issues at work that she thought might prevent her from taking today off). we cried a lot...hugged a lot...watched law and order: svu...and i went to bed alone, while she sorted things and started packing, having promised to snuggle up to me when she came to bed (in that way that we do). this morning before work, we negotiated the division of clothing and, after her 9 a.m. meeting, she was headed back home to pack up and wait for the movers.
i am not with her. but my heart is.
oh, and in case you've ever wondered..."s" is for sandra.
4:15 PM
November 04, 2003
bittersweetafter work yesterday, i went to pick up sherri and niq from the airport while s took ja'nique (age 10) and all the kids' stuff (including clothes, books, toys, dvds, a 13" television, and various leftover food items) back to their place to meet robert (15) and lamont (6), who had been waiting there since after school. and so our 10 days with 3 kids came to an end.
we're both exhausted, but honestly? it was not really as difficult as we had anticipated...or as sherri had assured us that it would be. we had most of a weekend to settle in and get used to each other, and then we got our routines worked out early on. s and i managed to get everyone to school on time each morning (okay, so lamont was about 3 minutes late one day), and everyone fed a nutritious dinner (at the dining room table, no less...we almost never eat at the table), bathed, and to bed at a reasonable hour each night. in between and on the weekends, we even had some fun. we carved pumpkins, went bowling, went to the movies, went out for a nice dinner, and played around at home. we laughed a lot. and i didn't even have to miss yoga (tho i did miss one workout).
we especially enjoyed allowing the kids to experience things they either never had, or that they don't get to do on the regular: everything from nickelodeon and the cartoon network (they don't have cable at home)...to the computer and internet (which they only know from school)...to shishkebabs (which they delighted in assembling themselves) and sushi (albeit mostly the non-raw-fish varieties). i also signed up robert for a 3 1/2-hour saturday video workshop for teenagers, put on by the wexner center. he was skeptical at first, but ended up loving it...his video got the most applause.
we had our moments. a couple of lies, concerning who did what that they weren't supposed to. having to tell robert 14 times to take a shower. getting them all to quit talking and playing and go to sleep. mitigating lamont's fear of the cats...especially kala, who can be mean to people who aren't me. dealing with the ways in which lamont is not like most kids his age (he's mildly autistic). but they are good kids, all 3 of them. well-behaved and considerate (for the most part). sweet and affectionate. willing to help out around the house.
it was not really how i would have chosen to spend my last full week 10 of my last 11 days with s, before she moves into her new apartment. but maybe, in some ways, it was better. i was forced to focus on something other than us and what we're going thru, rather than being able to wallow in the state of hyper-emotion that i've been in for the last several weeks. and we were able to enjoy each other, and the kids, and to actually have some fun.
but it's bittersweet.
11:38 AM
October 29, 2003
sanctuaryjust wanna be happy
and thankful.
not just try to get through.
....
ease my sadness.
you’re all i need.
i lay my burden down.
—"thankful," méshell ndegéocello sherri told me, not too long ago, that she worries about me. because i tend to take on the troubles and the hurt and the weight of the world, and—since i'm agnostic—i don't have a [spiritual] place to lay them down.
funny thing is, before she said that? i don't think i ever really considered that i might need a place to lay those burdens down. i guess i've always figured that it was my responsibility to carry them myself. as just one example...when a child dies in the crossfire of warring drug dealers, it's partly because my money (albeit very, very little of it) has helped to feed a system that enables that to happen. i have made that choice, so i bear that responsibility. it's that simple. so, that...combined with this hyper-empathy thing i've got going on...there are times when, even tho things in my own life are going well, i'm just sad. shit hurts. even tho it might be happening to other people, and not me.
i'm realizing something. that my relationships have been my shelter from that pain. and from the hurt that i feel for all the other reasons...my dysfunctional family dynamic, the ongoing drama with my sister, the loss of my brother, and everything else. it's a bit of a "well, duh?!"-kind-of moment...but i'm realizing that loving someone, feeling enveloped by her love, and building our life together, have not only brought me happiness, but have eased my sadness. the sadness of living in a really screwed-up world. i may not have literally laid my burdens down at her feet, at least not intentionally...but love has been what i've looked to for stability.
love has been my sanctuary.
it's not like i need to be in a relationship. that i can't function if i'm single. i can. i have.
it's also not like i'm incapable of finding joy in life, on my own. i can. i have. i do. (tho admittedly, i'm a lot less sure about finding long-term happiness without a partner to share it with.)
it's just that, as long as i can remember...i haven't wanted to. and i don't want to, now. in addition to everything about s that i love and don't want to lose, i am terrified of losing my refuge.
part of me thinks that this smacks of codependency and overall emotional unhealth.
and part of me thinks that it's what perfectly normal people do.
1:24 PM
October 28, 2003
an in-body experiencei am sore today. yoga so kicked my ass last nite, and i'm realizing that it would be better on just about any other day of the week. on mondays, i haven't worked out since the previous thursday, and my body moans in protest afterward. yoga postures are no joke...this shit is way harder than it looks.
there's also the killer charlie-horse that i got in my right calf and quad hamstring (i'm so dumb), while attempting to jog across the busy street at a non-intersection, just to get to yoga class. i could actually feel the muscles in my leg knotting up and i had to stop, dead in the middle of the street (fortunately, there was a break in traffic). i finally managed to hobble the rest of the way across the street and into the building, but class itself may have been too much. trying to balance on that leg, or even to put any weight on it, was no fun at all. i made every attempt to heed our instructor's pleas to avoid doing anything that doesn't feel right—even if she is, and the other people in the class are—but i seem to have this need to be able to do what everyone else can do (it's a big-girl thing...you wouldn't might not understand), even if i simply can't. getting this body to do the same things that small people do quite often clearly violates the laws of physics.
nonetheless, i tried. which i think, in some ways, is good. i don't want to let myself off the hook every time, just because of my size. i want to be able to push myself sometimes, if not all the time...otherwise, how will i ever get stronger and more flexible and all the other good things that yoga promises to make you?
this was my third yoga class (of 10). i'm still not sure if this is something i can actually see myself doing on my own, on my living room floor, on my little blue rubber mat, enveloped in dreamy ambient music. maybe i'll feel differently after i've learned the postures and movements better, and have mastered the breathing (which is also much harder than it looks/sounds), and can remember which thing to do when, and whether it's on the inhale or the exhale. there's a lot to remember, and i wonder if i'll get to the point where i don't have to...the point where i just do it, almost without thinking.
the thing about yoga is that it's making me more aware of my body...both its parts, and as a whole. i'm not one to talk much about my body, or to try to draw attention to it (except maybe during those rare moments when maybe i'm feeling just a little bit cute for, like, 20 seconds). it's a subject i've always just really wanted to avoid...the very worst and most undesirable and hateful thing about me, as a person. there have been many times when i have thought, if i could make my body go away and still exist, i just might.
the weird thing is...this time, this awareness doesn't really feel like a bad thing, or something that i should push back down because it's not something i should feel, or even want to feel. and, while part of me is whining about how sore i am, another part is actually pleased by feeling the results of having done something physically strenuous, however painful. maybe a little proud, even.
wait a minute!! whose blog IS this? who am i, and what have i done with the real lisa?!?
i joke, but...i'm really not quite sure what to do with all of this.
12:40 PM
October 24, 2003
so much for thatfridays rock. for the same reasons that fridays rock for everyone else with monday-friday kinda gigs. i especially like that i don't have to go work out (who in her right mind would actually want to do aerobic activity after work on a friday?), and that i can wear jeans to work. realistically, i should probably work out 5 days a week, instead of 4; and i could probably wear jeans to work any of those days. but on fridays, being lazy and wearing jeans both feel extra-acceptable.
today, i'm rocking dark levi's in my favorite style (which has been discontinued in my size range and can only be found on e-bay), in a size smaller than i wore 2 weeks ago. they're accompanied by a new chocolate brown sweater and long-sleeved white t-shirt from eddie bauer that i could only justify if i bought them in a smaller size. i tried them on this morning, figuring i'd have to wait a few more weeks and at least a few more pounds before they would fit. but whaddya know? they fit now. a little more snugly than i prefer, but it works.
i always feel taller when i've lost a little weight. when i look at myself in the mirror, i just seem to look longer. and when i stand up, i imagine myself "rising to my full height." those are the exact words that pop into my head, which is funny. because, while i'm taller than the average woman, i'm still only 5' 9".
i say all this to say, i was feeling pretty good today. that is, until.
until i just had to satisfy my curiosity by asking s if she'd found an apartment. turns out, she has. she should hear back from them about her application today.
then, i just had to take it a step further, by asking the "when" question. we hadn't talked about it in over a week, and this "in-between" time—when we both know she's moving out, but aren't sure when it's happening—has been awkward and difficult. some days, everything feels fine. we're laughing together, doing our normal stuff together. but then...i remember.
"when the kids leave **, i guess," she said. apparently, she can only get the $99-deposit special if she starts paying rent on the first of the month.**i'm just realizing that i haven't blogged about this...but sherri and niq are leaving for the bahamas tomorrow—a trip all 4 of us were initially supposed to take, together—and we're keeping niq's their 3 kids—ages 15, 10, and 6—until they return on november 3rd. i had thought that it would at least be november 15th. but almost as soon as the kids are gone and our lives would be getting back to normal...our lives will very quickly be anything but normal.
so much for feeling pretty good today. now, i just want to throw up.
11:36 AM
October 20, 2003
cosmic love letterunlike her last record—which i was lucky enough to own almost a year before its release—méshell ndegéocello's comfort woman just hit my mailbox on friday, a full 4 days after its release. needless to say, it's been in heavy rotation ever since. in fact...aside from what's been playing almost exclusively in my car for the last few weeks, and a few snippets of songs on mtv and vh1, comfort woman is literally the only music i've listened to since friday.
i've heard it called "a make-out record," "songs to shag to," and "music to chill by". but what comfort woman is, is a love letter. a love letter to rebecca. how absolutely incredible it must be, to possess the talent to create something for someone that, if it doesn't completely capture the depth of your feeling, at least explores and communicates it. and how magical it must be to be on the receiving end of such a gift. to know that someone made that, for you.
méshell's own favorite is "love song #3". while "fellowship" blew me away every time i heard it performed live, right now i'm really loving "body" (check the bass, and guitar by both méshell and the inimitable allen cato), "good intentions," and "andromeda & the milky way."
i'm not musically savvy enough to write a credible review...as with art, architecture, and wine, i just know what i like...and plenty of folks (check here) have reviewed it already, some of whom seem not to have been listening to the same songs i am...but this album is gorgeous. lush. sensual. sweet. seductive. exactly what you'd expect, knowing her work...but at the same time—with diverse influences such as reggae and electronica—absolutely different than anything she's done before. full of the undulating bass lines and intricate guitar work we all know and love. and well worth whatever you have to pay for it.
2:15 PM
October 17, 2003
googliciousnesson a much needed, much lighter note...i got several hearty laughs out of following ej's lead and googling my last name. among other things, i am (favorites in bold)...
* using yeast genetic strategies along with green fluorescent.
* pretty good at employing this tone.
* also the host of family camping on memorial day weekend and numerous tiger cub safari weekends in the spring.
* rich in wildlife and allow for the study of conservation.
* the total package for a day of relaxation.
* preparing an article discussing aspects of akhenaten's deity.
* located in the mendocino mountains.
* the enterprising kingpin of the livermore valley.
* heard every friday on wild rose country in the fist half hour of the program.
* the quintessential california experience.
* always going on about how canada's middle class would be better off if we all did away with a public health care system that makes you wait in queues.
* still family-owned.
* still producing great wine.
* a course that has taken the cliched phrase and put some substance behind it.
* currently suffering from a nagging shin injury.
* a very well respected producer that would be a premium wine at most restaurants.
* averaging 13.
* averaging 12.
* a native of phoenix.
* the president.
* a very hard race if you are not well-trained.
* located just a few minutes' walk to the beach.
* obviously missing.
* from waverly.
* currently with the grandview family practice clinic.
* open all year round.
* currently contracting tobacco for its cigars from a variety of central american sources.
* proposals manager for development communications.
* one of canada's leading columnists.
* 11 of 20.
* a ___ acre camp with an 80-acre lake.
* a professor of music at concordia university in river forest.
* a member of the amphibian research and monitoring team that conducts research at the usgs.
* in the middle of an expansion. (...even though it is actually quite the opposite. *grin*)
* forced to seek markets for the finished product in europe.
* no more.
* the advisor and is not very interested in having distant thunder on the internet.
* vice president.
* communications committee chairman for 2001.
* our vineyard of choice.
* not actually a good writer.
* by word of mouth.
* racist. (hopefully, this one wasn't actually said about me.)
* second in the ivy league in assist/turnover ratio.
* averaging 6.
* another solid shooter.
* recovering from the same ankle surgery that rocca had.
* no stranger to local art audiences.
* the first multiple winner.
* a good perimeter jump shooter with range extending to just inside the 3.
* the first titan to lead the cciw in steals with an average of 2.
* no stranger to the midwest.
* the oldest and best.
2:51 PM
October 13, 2003
not about mewhile the reality of s moving out hasn't fully hit me yet—and probably won't for another few weeks—the nuances and implications have been steadily seeping into our lives and our consciousness(es).
the biggest realization is one that i must admit that i struggle with: this is not. about. me.
it's about her craving a level of independence that, at almost 31, she really hasn't ever had before. it's about her quest to become what she calls "a whole person," outside of our relationship. it's about her figuring some stuff out about herself, for herself, and by herself. it's about her desire to prove to herself that she can make it on her own, emotionally, financially, and in every other way. and it's about her belief that she can't accomplish any of this within the context of a relationship...with me or with anyone.
so, intellectually, i know that it's not about me. and because i love her...i mean, really, really love her...i want what's best for her. more than anything else, i want her to be happy. and if this is what it's going to take to accomplish that, then...well...this is what has to happen. right? i can't argue. i must be supportive. after all, this isn't just anyone...this is my heart.
but still, i struggle. because my twin demons—"fear of rejection" and "fear of abandonment"—automatically assert that it IS about me, no matter how many times i hear that it's not. no matter how many different people tell me that it's not. they say, this is happening because of something i did, or didn't do. said, or didn't say. am, or am not. because i'm just not good enough. because something is really wrong with me.
and i struggle because...i am afraid. afraid of being alone. of becoming old and bitter. of never having children (because i really can't see myself as a single parent). of losing her altogether...or actually pushing her further away, myself, because i can't handle loving her from a distance.
now, please don't go blowing up my comments section, telling me that i AM good enough. that there's nothing wrong with me. that it's not about me. that she doesn't deserve me. that i will find someone else. while the spirit of your intentions is something that i cherish in each of you, that's not what i'm looking for here (tho, don't ask me what i AM looking for, because i doubt that i could tell you...). and it wouldn't matter anyway, because the demons are always there. they have been for decades. we know each other well. we are thisclose. i acknowledge that this time spent apart may well be something that i need as much as she does. and i'm trying to get my act together, trying to prepare, trying to think about things i need to work on, myself. some of those are already well underway. i'm working out 4 times a week, and really pushing myself. i'm eating differently, and i've lost 18 20 pounds in the last 10 weeks. i'm starting a (free) hatha yoga class tonite, to see if i like it. i'm trying to think of ways to corral my skills, to bring in the extra money that i already know i will need, living on my own.
this is a journey. while it's not one i would have chosen to take, i'm trying to be open to what it may bring to my life. and trying to see it (as lynne pointed out) not as an end, but as a beginning...maybe even the beginning of a new, stronger "us".
but it's hard.
2:45 PM
October 07, 2003
everything's gone...wrong.years ago, i had this therapist (my first) who was really amazing. in one particularly difficult session, i remember her seating me in a chair facing away from her. she stood right behind me, with her hands on my shoulders, and asked me a series of questions...in her deep, soothing voice...ending in, what it was that i was so afraid of—which, for weeks, i hadn't really been able to identify, let alone articulate. later, she explained that she thought i might be able to open up to her if i didn't have to look at her. it worked.
the thing about her, tho, was that her own life was a complete mess. in the year-or-so that i saw her, i followed her from the small clinic where we first met, to a series of apartments where she operated her "private practice"...which, for at least a part of that time, was completely unlicensed. over time, i learned about her life. she was biracial, and still struggling with what it meant, for her, to "look white" when she identified as black. tho only in her mid-thirties, she had two teenaged daughters, who were always in some sort of trouble; one had already made her a grandmother. her father was reportedly wanted by the fbi, and she was somehow involved. her mother lived with her part of the time, and they fought constantly. and over time, she told me that she was a recovering addict (both drugs and alcohol), and that she had once turned tricks to support her habit(s). drama, drama, drama.
i'm not sure what it is, exactly, but people often tell me their problems. some tell me that i am (or at least seem) sincere...objective...a "good listener"...that i seem to have it all pretty much "together," myself. i kinda thought so, too.
in the past few weeks, tho, i've started to feel a little bit like my therapist...dishing out advice and "my perspective," when all is not well in my own house. i didn't think it was this bad. i figured that whatever it was, we could fix it. we could work together, and work it out. like we always have.
i'll elaborate later (at least i think i will)...but suffice it, for now, to say that s and i will be taking a break. not breaking up, but taking a "sabbatical" (the exact terms of which have yet to be hashed out). she is now in the process of looking for her own place. i am now in the process of figuring out—after 6 years of knowing her, and nearly that long being in love with her—how in the hell i am ever going to do this.
as the saying goes...shit done changed.
4:11 PM
September 25, 2003
everything's gone greenprobably the coolest thing i've bought for myself lately is retro, new order's 4-disc boxed set. the content of each disc was chosen not by the bandmembers themselves, but by people they know in one way or another. in the intro to the accompanying book, stephen morris spells it all out:...I like the fact that our box set has been handed over to other people, because it's the only way anything would have got done. And this way there's something for everyone at Christmas.
John McCready's CD ("FAN") is for the snotty nephew who didn't get the trainset he wanted, but a sweater instead. He'd console himself with John McCready.
Obviously, the frustrated housewife would go for Mike Pickering ("CLUB"): not been out clubbing in awhile, get a groove going while doing the dishes.
Granny would go for Miranda [Sawyer]'s ("POP"), she can hum along, cos she'll know them already, everyone a winner.
And Bobby [Gillespie]'s live one ("LIVE") would be for the getting-slightly-tubby ex-football hooligan. i guess i'm the snotty nephew, 'cause FAN—featuring songs that you only know if you were listening to the whole album tape cd—is definitely my favorite. as much as i loved tearing up the floor of the club back in the day, to favorites like "the perfect kiss," "bizarre love triangle," and "blue monday"...and as cool as the CLUB disc's remixes of the latter, as well as songs like "fine time," are...my own favorites were always the "b-sides": "your silent face" and "everything's gone green," especially.
anyway, i'm loving this set. i'm not sure it makes much sense that 80s electronic pop can evoke such strong emotions, but then...i've always been at least a little bit left of center.
3:34 PM
September 16, 2003
not half the bitchso, in the last few weeks, my sister and i have only just started to communicate again. i called and left a message for her on her birthday in late july, and she e-mailed a thank-you (albeit 2 weeks later). in a message the week after labor day, she told me that her sister-in-law, kim, had just had a baby girl. kim was the one who, at the wedding, had really gone out of her way to make sure that s was comfortable and having a good time, while i was preoccupied with the string of relatives i hadn't seen in years (including an 8-year-old niece i had not, until that point, even met). when we found out that she was pregnant, s and i decided immediately that we would send her a little something for the baby after it was born...to let her know how much her efforts during the wedding weekend had been appreciated.
in her e-mail, my sister had written that the baby had been born "on saturday at about 10 a.m."...meaning, saturday, august 30. the wife of a colleague and friend of mine is a professional tile maker, so s and i decided to ask her to make a tile to commemorate the baby's birth, which would include her name and birth date. in a conversation with my mom last nite, she mentioned a different birth date, so i decided i'd better verify the date with my sister. so i e-mailed her this morning. she replied:Lis - I thought that I just said in the email that she was born over Labor Day weekend, but if I goofed - her birthday is 8/31. so i sent my sister a quick reply:yup, you goofed. hopefully, it's not too late to make the change! thanks. then, i scrambled to make sure that our tile-maker friend hadn't inscribed the date yet (luckily, she hadn't).
in retrospect, while i certainly hadn't wanted to belabor the point, i had wanted to make her aware that it had been her mistake and not mine...but therein lies my error. she responded:Lis - the email jabs aren't cool. I am sorry that I wrote Saturday instead of Sunday. Neither of us knew you were focused on the date. If either we had, at least one us would've been careful to doublecheck and confirm the date of 8/31 (instead of writing the day of the week) - just like getting you the address. Honestly, it was an unintentional mistake that I'm sorry for, but I also think that it could've been avoided if we had just known that you were using the date - a quick phone call or even an email clarifying that you needed the date would've been all it would've taken. *sigh*
my reply, you may ask?jesus fucking christ!! you really need to lighten up. it wasn't intended as a "jab". i was simply responding to your use of the word "if"...as in, IF you had goofed...because guess what? you HAD!! you ARE capable of making mistakes! ooooh, THERE'S a newsflash. i am soooooo sorry that you didn't get the joke. my bad!
you know, it never occurred to me that this was anything other than an unintentional mistake. what, you think i'm sitting here picking apart every fucking little thing you say, in an attempt to find wrongdoing of some sort, so that i can call you on it? ummmm, no...that would be YOU. give me a fucking break. you're such a fucking drama queen. it is NOT always all about you. and the world is not out to get you.
okay. so i didn't really say that. my actual reply wasn't the least bit caustic. i explained. i assumed the blame (because with my sister, someone's got to, and it's certainly not gonna be her) for not making the fact that i was joking clear enough. i conveyed that it was a moot point, anyway, because it wasn't too late to change the date. i kept the peace.
because, you see...i'm not half the bitch i wanna be.
1:04 PM
September 12, 2003
salma hayek. johnny depp. is there really anything more to say?
11:10 AM
September 05, 2003
autumn & athletesthere was a chill in the air as i left the house this morning...and i was loving it. fall is on its way, my people. and i am so ready.
in addition to the promise of the cool and crisp autumnal days that i love, the schedule we've been waiting for was released yesterday, and some other women are hosting a tournament this weekend.
[sidebar: have you ever noticed that volleyball players have great butts? must be all those squats...nary a flat booty in the bunch. *grin*]
so what if this entire city is consumed each autumn by buckeye football? i'm actually beginning to enjoy it. s has played a huge role in the development of that appreciation over the last few years, teaching me more about the game than i ever thought i'd know. that, and...i had a revelation last saturday while watching a running back on espn demonstrate a rather intricate set of moves designed to evade his potential tackler:you can't be an idiot and play this game. at least, not at this level. you just can't. who knew? it's too bad that more players don't succeed in replicating that intelligence in the classroom. if they could, that whole "dumb jock" stereotype just might explode.
part of it is also that i'm just plain fascinated...by athletes, by athletic skill, and by athletic bodies in motion. how do they get their bodies to do that? where does the talent come from? how do they push themselves day after day, in games and in practice, all year round...when i have trouble forcing myself to do a basic 30-minute workout? i guess you either have it (whether it's "natural"...or you worked hard to get it...or both), or you don't...it being the talent, the skill, and the drive.
of course, another part of it is that it's really difficult not to get into football when you work at a place like this. i look out my upper-floor office window every day, and BOOM, there's the team...practicing right across the street. even at work, there's a certain type of energy on the friday before a game day that's just really hard to escape. and actual game days? forget it...you're likely to be sucked into it in one way or another, whether you want to be or not.
this weekend, we'll be watching plenty of other folks, in addition to the footballers, who are blessed with that elusive it...and we'll be having a ball (heheh) doing it.
4:38 PM
August 29, 2003
thanks to matthew, you can sign a birthday card for her here.
2:43 PM
August 28, 2003
a little surpriseall week, i'd been bitching about this dumb "staff appreciation" event i had to go to yesterday. as i was telling ej, it's become less and less of an actual "event" with each passing year...supposedly due to budget constraints, but it has really just felt like we're just appreciated less and less...i.e., depreciated.
so what happens? first, i win an ohio state football autographed by the only two-time heisman winner, in the raffle. then, i win one of this year's two "outstanding service and achievement" awards, consisting of a plaque and a check for (after taxes) $500!! a few months ago, i had joked with a couple of my colleagues that i was going to campaign for the award, but it really was just a joke. you see, along with a couple of co-workers, i have a "history" with this department that involves a formal complaint against our boss, so...i had figured that, even if i deserved the award, i'd never get it.
as someone wise once said, wonders never cease. i am grateful.
3:55 PM
August 20, 2003
this is could've been your lifebefore friday nite's reunion event, sue and i met up and decided to take a stroll down memory lane main street before hitting the sunnyside tavern for our pre-reunion fortification. after checking out the (carnegie) library renovations and her dad's old law office, we stumbled upon teri's parents' antique shop, and thus, teri's parents. after chatting with them for a few minutes, teri and her family showed up, so we rounded up her brothers and hit the sunnyside. we spent awhile catching up with each other until leaving for the reunion...it was nice not to have to walk in alone, so i was glad that sue and i had planned that.
i mingled, saying hello to people, meeting their spouses, getting the rundown on their lives, and re-introducing myself to some. at one point, i was standing there talking to teri, and a stocky, middle-aged man stepped up to us, said "hi," and looked at me like i should've known who he was.
maybe it was the few beers i'd already downed, out of nervousness. maybe it was his glasses...rather large and not at all stylish. maybe it was the extra weight he now carries. maybe it was the fact that he stood so close...too close for me to really see him. maybe it that he had walked up to us all fast—so quickly that i didn't get to see him approach and didn't notice his gait, which has always been distinctive. maybe it was simply that almost 20 years have passed since we last saw each other, and...well...people change in 20 years (albeit some not as much as others).
it wasn't until i heard his deep, unmistakable voice saying something more than "hi" that i recognized d. i literally gasped. i was embarrassed, and i think he was a little hurt. but as soon as i recovered from the shock, i gave him a hug, and we started talking, while teri drifted away.
d always had this way of looking right into my eyes when he talked to me...and whether it was always true or not, it gave the impression that he was hanging on every word i said, and that he meant every word he said. it was a quality that drew me to him, and drew things out of me that i hadn't before imagined telling anyone else. i can't think of another person from that era who looked me in the eye like that when we were talking...who paid that much attention to what i said, to what i was feeling.
friday nite was no different. d told me that he had read the recent e-mails that i had sent l (his wife). perhaps prompted by my apology to her, he began his own apology, to me. he told me that he had "had feelings for [me]". he told me that, because he had never been with anyone before l, he had been afraid to commit to her...which is why he had started something up with me in the first place. and you know, it was funny. suddenly, i no longer saw him as a schmuck who had cheated on his girlfriend and broken my heart...but as a scared kid (he was only 18-21 at the time) who was trying to figure out what his own feelings were, and what to do with the fact that he really loved us both. when she forced him to choose, he chose her...both times...and that's just the way it was supposed to be.
throughout the evening, d and i had bits of conversation in between the mingling and keg-draining. when he told me that he wanted to meet s, i just looked at him...if raising one eyebrow inquisitively were in my repertoire of facial expression, that's exactly what i would have done. when i asked, "why?", he replied, "because i want to meet the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with." now, some may have found that a little creepy, but—knowing him like i did...and maybe even still do—i found it incredibly sweet. i guess that even two whole decades couldn't completely erase the friendship we once shared, before we fucked it up by taking it to that other level.
one thing that was a little creepy at one point was that d seemed more than a little interested in the fact that s and i have talked about having children; he seemed to be going down the path of wanting to, uhhh, "help us out" with that. we actually had a conversation about how it's done, how a woman can be impregnated without "physical contact." i went thru the whole artificial insemination thing (both the clinical and the much less clinical "turkey baster" methods), explaining that, if that didn't work, in vitro fertilization was sometimes an option. he was absolutely enthralled, but...i eventually steered the conversation away from that topic. anyone who is that into the concept of donating sperm to 2 women who want to have a child would NOT be the ideal donor for us...i would always, always, always worry that he would come back at some point and try to claim custody.
but when i expressed some doubt and more than a little fear about having children—explaining that i just don't want to make the same mistakes my parents made—d told me that the "me" he knew would make a terrific mom. again...the same old sweet, sincere d that i used to know.
toward the end of the nite, d and l convinced me to attend the family pool party on saturday—something i had been certain i'd want to avoid! but we'd had such a good time that i didn't want it to end...so i got up saturday, ate a huge omelette that mom fixed for me, and hit the road, treating my hangover along the way with my favorite "herbal" cure and a 24-ounce bottle of diet mountain dew. after navigating my way to their house, i took a deep breath and went out back to join everyone.
it was a trip just being there. i mean...had things happened differently at a few key junctures, years ago...had i said "yes" instead of "no, let's just be friends" when d asked me out shortly after i had moved there (remember, i only got interested in him romantically after he had become unavailable)...had he chosen me instead of l, at either of the two points when he had to choose...or even had i gotten pregnant one of the few times we slept together...THIS could have been my house!! THESE could have been my kids! THIS could have been my life!! it was all freaking me out for a second...and despite its decidedly medicinal qualities, the weed probably wasn't helping. but it was cool. it may have taken me awhile longer, if the right set of circumstances hadn't presented themselves to me just when they did...but i would have eventually figured out that i was a lesbian. of that, i'm sure.
i fell in love with their 8-year-old, a little boy with big ears that stick straight out, and lots of freckles, and 2 missing front teeth. one of those kids who will actually sit down with an adult and have a real conversation. after his mom had introduced us, he plopped down in the chair next to me and told me about the cubs (his favorite team), and his new sammy sosa jersey, and how he keeps forgetting that he's not 7 anymore, and what the family did to celebrate his birthday. i wanted to scoop him up and take him home with me.
the previous evening, our 2 cars had been the last to leave the country club parking lot, at about 2 am. after convincing d and l that i was okay to drive, that i did not need to stay at their place (ummm, NOOOOO!), and that i would, indeed, be there for the pool party the next day, we headed off in the same direction. i followed them the 14 miles to their town, where they continued on toward their home, and i veered off to the west for the remaining 10 miles to my mom's. them toward their life...me toward mine.
3:35 PM
August 19, 2003
disconnectwhile it was definitely great to see teri at the reunion this weekend, and to see her happy, i was disappointed that we didn't really (re)connect, as i had hoped we might. we were close in high school...especially the 2 years we were actually in school together, before i moved away. i spent so much time at her house that it felt like my own house...her brothers, my brothers...her parents, my parents (well, almost). i remember being actually jealous when she went on dates...not because i was in love with her or anything like that—tho i probably wouldn't have recognized that, even if it had been true—but because she'd be doing something fun without me, and i'd have to figure out what i would do, myself. we were together so much that, when we weren't, it all just felt wrong. even after i moved away, and even after we each started college at different schools, we still kept in touch and saw each other as much as we could manage.
when she announced that she was pregnant, during our junior year in college, i was dealing with my own issues...namely, being in love with my roommate but not recognizing it as such...and just being really upset and confused about the whole thing. despite our past connection and ongoing friendship, i suddenly felt like teri and i were such opposites. i didn't feel like she could relate to what was happening in my life (especially because i couldn't even identify it, much less articulate it)...and i certainly couldn't relate to what was going on in hers. that was really "the beginning of the end" for us, i think. until this past weekend, we had seen each other only once after that, over the holidays during my senior year. her baby was a year old by then, and i was 2 weeks into my first relationship with a woman. if i had thought our lives were going in completely opposite directions before, this was the clincher.
maybe it's just that she's not ready to dive right back into being my friend after all this time...after i pretty much just abandoned her. maybe she needs time, and more communication, and some one-on-one time together, maybe the next time i'm in iowa. i can't say that i'd blame her, really...but that doesn't temper my disappointment, or my regret. i hope not, but...maybe it's just too late for us.
5:25 PM
(re)unioni scream
you scream
we all scream
for pork loin
—series of 4 little signs posted at intervals along the edge of an iowa cornfield my drive back from iowa yesterday was long, but thankfully uneventful. it gave me a lot of time to rehash the weekend's events and the rush of feelings surrounding them.
i drove there thursday, spending that evening and most of friday with mom. we talked a lot, went out to eat, and did a little shopping, which is typically how we spend our limited time together. she always tells me how much she looks forward to and enjoys having me there, and how she can talk to me like a friend. we do have some good conversations, i must admit. despite our past problems, i'm trying to focus on what we have now. and it has worked.
all day friday, i was nervous about the first event of the reunion, that evening. i was glad that sue and i had planned to meet up beforehand, but still...what would it be like to see all these people for the first time in 20 or more years? would it be awkward? or would it be "like old times"...the 20+ years just melting away? would they be talking behind my back about how i've gained the equivalent of a small-to-medium-sized person since then? or wondering why i was even there, since i hadn't graduated with them? stupid, i know...but these things were running thru my head.
most of my nervousness centered around 3 people...the first (and least consequential) of whom is tk, the guy on whom i had a hopeless crush for the 2 years that i lived there. he was beautiful...dark hair, brilliant blue eyes, stocky build (hey, i guess i liked 'em a little thick even then!)...athletically talented, not a very good student, and extremely shy. he was a wrestler and, our sophomore year, i was a wrestling cheerleader. when a member of our team scored a pin, a cheerleader would give him a congratulatory kiss on the cheek and pin a diaper pin (painted with the school initials in red nail polish) on his warm-ups. my fellow cheerleaders knew how much i liked him and usually let me "pin" him. once, he turned his head when i went to kiss him, our lips met, and i nearly died. but i tormented the poor guy. i remember getting drunk at parties and calling him up, begging him to come over. i remember sending him a valentine's day card our freshman year, with a big pop-up "I LOVE YOU!" on the inside. no fucking wonder the boy had no interest in me! frankly, i was embarrassed to see him again at the reunion. while i hoped that he wouldn't remember all the stupid stuff i did, i was afraid that he would.
today? tk still lives in the same town and works in the factory (farm implements, i think) there. people say he's "killed more brain cells than most of us" (the word alcoholic was mentioned a couple of times). he has never married. he's still handsome, but looks totally out of it most of the time. and not only did he not remember all the stupid things i did 22+ years ago, but he didn't even remember who i was! when i went over to say hello, he called me by the name of another girl who went to school there for a year or two and then moved away. when i said, no, that's not me...and gave him my name...he still didn't remember me. for a second, i was a little hurt...was/am i really THAT forgettable?? but at least he didn't remember all the ridiculous things i did to try to get his attention. all in all, a good thing.
the second 2 causes for my nervousness were d and l. a few weeks before the reunion, i had e-mailed l to apologize for everything i did all those years ago. it was a note i had been composing in my head for the better part of 20+ years, and i had finally sent it. it was heartfelt, but i had wondered how it would be received. i didn't have to wonder very long, because i had an answer the very next day. whew!! l thanked me for my honesty and said that "all [was] forgotten." she told me a little about their life together (married 16 years), their kids (2 boys and a girl), and their jobs. and she asked about my life. what was my job? did i have "anyone special" in my life?
so i had replied, telling her a little about my job and about s...and, to explain the latter, about coming out halfway thru my senior year of college. and to that e-mail, i never got a response. what was she thinking?? was she freaked out? was she pissed off, because i had caused her all that grief by sneaking around with her boyfriend, and then i turned out to be a lesbian??
as it turns out, they had been out of town for a wedding, so i guess l hadn't had a chance to reply to my e-mail. she was very kind, maybe even happy to see me. i was so relieved! i ended up going to the pool party at their house on saturday, which i had been certain i would avoid. i later learned that she hadn't been sure where i was staying for the weekend, and that i had been welcome to stay there (tho i probably never would have).
(as for seeing d for the first time in 19 years? well...that experience will get a post of its own shortly, so hang with me for a sec....)
so anyway, the "adults only" event friday nite was a blast. in a fashion appropriate for our laid-back class with a reputation for partying, there was a keg, but no food (which was actually okay). it was fun seeing everyone and, even tho i hadn't seen some of them since our sophomore year (after which i moved away), some people remembered me and even my name with no prompting. many people were remarkably well preserved....unlike the guys in the photo from my actual class reunion, most of these male classmates had all or most of their hair. in fact, most people looked almost exactly the same as i remember them...sometimes down to the hairstyles (which, as you might guess, was not a good thing).
it was interesting to find out what people are doing. many have stayed in or moved back to the same community, even after college and after living in urban areas, mentioning the fact that "having kids changes your perspective" about where you want to live. at 37-39 years of age, most had kids, but not all. some are on their second marriages, some still unmarried. it was refreshing that the people i talked to were barely fazed by my answer of, "i have a girlfriend, for 5 years," when they asked if i was married. in a small town of 1,500, with a class of less than 50 people, i had expected some narrow attitudes...but that really didn't seem to be the case. some even said i should bring s with me next time. :)
it was especially great to see teri (who looks wonderful and has the same athletic build she had 20 years ago) and to meet her husband and kids. her oldest daughter, whom she had when we were in college, is 17 and beautiful. she looks so much like teri, it's scary...i guess when she's there visiting her grandparents (teri's parents), old people see her on the street and call her by her mother's name. it was also wonderful to see teri's two brothers (one of whom is 11 months younger than teri and still in our class, and the other of whom is 2 years older, but was there for the whole weekend, anyway), who had been like my own brothers with as much time as i spent at their house those 2 years. tho all grown up (of course) and with their own families, they are basically just the same wisecracking goofballs they've always been. i would've loved to have had more time with them, too.
saturday was ungodly hot (at least 95 degrees, 97% humidity...the hottest day of the year), but the pool party was enjoyable, even tho i had forgotten my suit. it was a little freaky because of where it was held (which i'll address in the upcoming post about d), but it was okay. early that evening, we all gathered for the "winding stairs festival" parade. it was a trip...sitting on bales of hay (or was it straw?) on a trailer, pulled by a truck (driven by d)...waving and throwing candy to what must have been thousands of local onlookers...drinking beer from the stash of coolers nestled in among the bales, even while riding past the sheriff and deputies...it was all really corny, but fun, even despite the heat.
after the parade, we were all supposed to meet at the beer tent down at the festival, but that really didn't happen. a few of us showed up, but most people seem to have family obligations or other reasons for not being there...i know teri's little boy had been sick since the day before, so she and her family had gone home. i was a little disappointed, as it was a rather anticlimactic end to the weekend, and i had really wanted to spend more time with teri...but so it goes. she only lives about 90 minutes from my dad, so i hope to hook up with her the next time i head to iowa.
i spent sunday with dad. we "crashed" a family reunion being held for the other side of the family of his two second cousins (who were visiting from out of state), and spent time with my aunt and uncle. unlike my visits with mom, during which it's usually just the two of us, dad is forever carting me off somewhere to see people relatives i don't know. or rather, i'm carting him, as his eyes have put an end to his driving.
it was a good trip. i can't believe i waffled so much about whether or not to go...something i'll keep in mind when the next reunion rolls around.
10:47 AM
August 14, 2003
iowa boundi decided to go to the reunion after all, so i'll be in the car for the 10-hour drive this morning.
i've been e-mailing with an old friend (and current stay-at-home mom, pharmacist's wife, and junior leaguer) the past couple of days, and she asked if i'd be her "date, " since, like s, her husband has opted out of the weekend's festivities. i said, sure...as long as she would be my fig. *grin* we're meeting at a dive bar around the corner beforehand, so at least neither of us will have to walk in the joint alone.
so then...why am i so nervous??
this town and these people hold some of my best memories...probably the best of my entire k-12 experience. there will undoubtedly be some weirdnesses, but surely 20 years will have all but erased them from everyone's minds but mine...right?
i just wish i didn't care so much what people think. did you know that's genetic? yeah...i got it from my mother.
at the very least, the weekend promises to hold some amusing moments. they've planned the reunion around the annual winding stairs festival, and the class of '83 will be riding a float in the parade.
i've been practicing my parade wave all week. *waving*
8:50 AM
August 06, 2003
too much, too lateeating lunch at my desk today, while grooving to live shows by ben harper and morcheeba on the always wonderful kcrw, i was about two-thirds of the way through a decidedly unspicy bowl of fantastic foods spicy thai noodle soup when i discovered a huge glob of the spice mixture adhered to the inside of the cup, near the bottom.
hence the unspiciness.
i mixed in the glob, but it was too late. i'd already eaten most of the disappointingly bland noodles, wondering how they could possibly, in good conscience, market this as spicy thai noodle soup. the remaining noodles weren't enough to absorb the spices i'd found, even if i were to add more hot water. so i ended up with a thick, orangish, hyper-spicy, inedible mess.
sometimes? life is a lot like that.
2:12 PM
August 05, 2003
bushwhackedforwarded to me via e-mail:
[youknowwho]
The White House
ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
* I attacked and took over two countries.
* I spent the U.S. surplus and bankrupted the Treasury.
* I shattered the record for biggest annual deficit in history.
* I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
* I set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
* I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
* In my first year in office, I set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
* After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
* I set the record for most campaign fund raising trips by any president in U.S. history.
* In my first two years in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
* I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
* I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
* I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
* I set the record for the fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of TV.
* I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other president in U.S. history.
* I presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
* I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
* I cut health care benefits for war veterans.
* I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
* I dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
* I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
* Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
* I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
* I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
* I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in U.S. history.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the USA from the Human Rights Commission.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the USA from the Elections Monitoring Board.
* I removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
* I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
* I withdrew from the World Court of Law.
* I refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default, no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
* I am the first president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors access during the 2002 U.S. elections.
* I am the all-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
* The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
* I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
* I am the first president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).
* I am the first U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
* I took the world's sympathy for the U.S. after 911, and in less than a year, made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
* I am the first U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
* I am the first U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than by their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
* I changed U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
* I set the all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated USA law by not selling their huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
* I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
* In a little over two years, I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided that the U.S. has been since the civil war.
* I entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years, turned every single economic category heading straight down.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
* I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
* I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
* I refuse to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
* All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* All minutes of meetings of any public corporation for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
* Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
PERSONAL REFERENCES:
* For personal references, please speak to my dad or uncle James Baker.
(They can be reached in their offices at the Carlyle Group where they are helping to divide up the spoils of the US-Iraq war and plan for the next one.)
1:05 PM
July 31, 2003
the hotnessdespite all the bad reviews, i loved it. i want to be lara croft when i grow up. hell, i wouldn't even mind being angelina jolie. okay, so she's a little crazy. but she sure does look hot in a bikini.
have you seen the new gap commercial featuring missy and madonna? totally hot. and an interesting combination of talent.
hotter still is the new video featuring missy, beyonce, free, and mc lyte. whoa. okay?? everything missy touches is hotter than it was before. and is it just me, or does lyte keep getting hotter and hotter with each passing year?
i may have to quit watching the real world altogether...this is just so much more fun. and the crib makeovers have been undeniably hot.
and yeah...i'm still crushing on him because...he's, like...totally hot.
by the way...which johnny depp are you?
 | You Are Ichabod Crane From "Sleepy Hollow."
You're a deep thinker - most times logically. You're a bit of a neat freak and a wuss (hey, you do faint a lot!) but you do have the ability to overcome your fears and come out stronger in the end. And you never lose your head over things. (Gufaw gufaw!) |
Take The Johnny Depp Quiz!
12:57 PM
July 25, 2003
reunionsearlier this week, our mailman delivered the photo and booklet from my class reunion, held in june. i had had no desire whatsoever to actually attend, but as soon as i saw that envelope with the reunion committee chair's return address, i tore into it as if it held gold, rather than an 8x10 of a bunch of people i don't know anymore and a list of who they married, their kids' names and ages, and what they've been doing for the last 20 years.
as i was studying the photograph and matching faces to names on the attached list, s was thumbing through the booklet. one thing she noticed was how few people went to college, compared with her graduating class (her 10th reunion was a few years ago). i'd probably chalk that up to two factors: 1) the fact that more high school graduates were probably headed for college in 1990 than in 1983, given how the job market increasingly treats an undergraduate degree as it did a high school diploma not too many years ago; and 2) the fact that s went to a large urban high school, while i attended a consolidated school in a small town, with kids from farms and even smaller towns as far as 25 miles away.
when i spotted a particular person in the photo, i got all happy. i hadn't thought about robert in years, but i always liked him. he was very sweet, but never dated anyone (at least not that we knew about) and was always teased by the other guys for that. we loved him, tho. it was always "the girls" and robert at all the parties. on prom night my senior year—after i was dumped and dateless—we all went to a keg party in a cornfield, and i remember robert pulling me up after i'd fallen while trying to navigate the deep, roughly plowed furrows.
so anyway, i said to s, "hey, look up robert ______! see what he's doing!" he looked all happy and smiling and exactly like he looked at graduation, 20 years ago. she flipped thru the pages and said nonchalantly, "oh, he's gay." i screamed, "YAY, ROBERT ______! YAAAAAAAAAY!!!" listing "mr. todd ______" as his spouse, he also mentioned a dog named barney and a career as a flight attendant and restaurant owner. *grin*
yes, perusing the booklet this week has been interesting. of the 110 classmates who responded with information about themselves (out of a class of ~180):* 4 are deceased (including a friend of mine, a week before graduation)
* 3 have doctoral degrees (pharmacy, computer science, speech & hearing science)
* 1 is an m.d. (a co-valedictorian; in hawaii, no less)
* 9 have master's degrees (chemical engineering, industrial engineering, divinity, music, curriculum & instruction, horticulture & agricultural education...and me, in english)
* 25 have bachelor's degrees (most in business)
* 28 have associate's degrees (most in business or from tech schools)
* 9 are farmers (or are married to farmers)
* 5 are cosmetologists
* 5 have served or now serve in the military
* 3 are registered nurses
* 3 are pastors
* 1 is an fbi agent
* 1 is an opera singer
* 80 stayed in or moved back to iowa
*41 stayed or moved back to the area (within a 25-mile radius)
* 13 live in states not contiguous to iowa (mostly arizona and texas)
* 1 lives overseas (germany)
* 10 have children named "brandon" or "tyler" (one has one of each)
* 2 listed same-sex spouses (robert and me)
* 2 are (female) teachers and phys ed coaches with conspicuously blank "spouse" and "family" sections (both were jocks in high school...one was named to a big ten "all 1980s" sports team, and the other my friend, who was rumored, 21 years ago, to have been found late at night, in a car with the [female] basketball and softball coach, half naked....) now, i sort-of wish that i'd gone to the reunion. i could still go to my other one, but...i'm just not feeling it like i was a few months ago. perhaps in another 5 or 10 years, i'll be ready.
4:22 PM
July 18, 2003
tastebud titillationlast nite, s surprised me with reservations to my favorite restaurant, the refectory. it was lovely, from the fresh seasonal mesclun salad with maple syrup vinaigrette...to the pan-seared walleye, served with a chablis red bellpepper sauce, a ragout of crayfish (in the cutest little basket made of something that tasted like cheese, but thin and crispy), the tiniest slivers of carrot, and a little fez-shaped mound of couscous...to the meringue hazelnut gateau, a cylindrical tower of nutty mousse, layered with circular slices of crunchy meringue, dusted with chocolate, topped with a dark chocolate truffle and a mint leaf, and surrounded by "paislies" of cassis and mango coulis. even s liked the walleye, and she's not the fish fan that i am.
i think i may have seen her eyes cross briefly when she took the first bite of her new york strip, which she had cut with a regular table knife and not the slightest bit of effort. i didn't try that, of course, but her made-to-order warm pear tart, served with pistachio ice cream and mango, vanilla, and raspberry coulis was to die for.
ohhhh, how i love food. especially their food. it's always delicious, interesting, and stunningly presented, and the service is impeccable. admittedly, the ambience of the place is a little stuffy. and while there's the usual tableful of asian businessmen, the only black person i've ever seen there is s. but sometimes, it's possible to overlook these shortcomings, especially with the food, people...the food...as motivation.
it's also not cheap. this is not someplace we visit on the regular...only for special occasions, or when we've got some fairly substantial extra cash lying around, burning a hole in our collective pocket. but i guess that's part of what makes it special...along with someone who just goes ahead and makes reservations out of the blue, in the middle of the week, for no apparent reason....
4:31 PM
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